[Lotsofheart73]

This is some stressful stuff. Your wife seems to be a person that is never satisfied with what they have.
I do not believe she has respect for you. The comment about wishing she had slept with that guy J is such a hateful thing to say. Kinda makes me wonder if she did. Her letting & encourage you to befriend this guy is just as bad if not worse. Again, she has no respect for you.
Hard place to be in.

 

[Cynthia]

Well, @TinyTbone, I don't think you were blissfully blind. You just said you didn't feel seen or heard by your wife.

Do you feel seen and heard now? How is daily life with her?

@LATERILUS79, if he divorces now, she will continue to be supported by him. The financial repercussions of divorcing at this point would be crippling.

 

[TinyTbone]

Well, @TinyTbone, I don't think you were blissfully blind. You just said you didn't feel seen or heard by your wife.

Do you feel seen and heard now? How is daily life with her?

@LATERILUS79, if he divorces now, she will continue to be supported by him. The financial repercussions of divorcing at this point would be crippling.

Well sometimes? I been thinking for several years that she might be high end autistic. She just doesn't exhibit emotional feeling normally. Or maybe she's just a narcissistic person that delights in punishing me? I don't know. I've now sat with 2 different therapists and said the same thing. Is it that I'm bipolar, or that I'm just that unhappy?
Oh I've looked into what divorce will do. Had a free consultation 5 months ago. Basically it goes down like this:
A. She gets 50% of my military retirement by law.
B. She would be entitled to 30% of my state pension.
C. I will have to pay spousal support in the amount of between $1800-$2200 a month.
D. I would most likely be required to pay 50% of her housing cost for 2 yrs.
E. I would be required to continue to make payments and also insurance for the car she drives for 2yrs.
F. I would have to pay for herself and my legally costs for the divorce since she has always been SAHW.
Plus a few other incidentals. I would be living in my truck or a card board box.

 

[TinyTbone]

Well folks I'm gonna close up for the night. Worked nite shift last night and had a fit full nap today. This post has exhausted me just putting out. It's after 11 where I live. I will check in the morning any posts and reply as I can to the best of my ability.

Good nite Johnboy!

 

[Openminded]

I’m very sorry. I’ve always suspected there was much more to your story. I wish you well.

 

[Diana7]

Have you thought of requesting she does a lie detector test? As part of the condition for the marriage to continue?

 

[Mr.Married]

There is a point at which you must understand that there are times when two people just aren’t right for each other and life isn’t supposed to be that hard. You can continue to “work on it” all you like but to me you are with out a doubt wasting your time, life, and mental health. You will never get what you need from this relationship. Too much damage is done.

 

[hamadryad]

Tough story, pal.

Not much to add that wasn't alredy addressed. I wonder if when you came clean with your rather tame admission, that she wasn't saying to herself "if this dope only knew what was in my head he wouldn't even care about what he did" ...

Anyway, it seems as though it's the typical deal where many women pick men for security and safety, but then aren't totally satisfied. I learned long ago that if a woman isn't dying to **** you(or at the very least is thrilled to see you) she's probably thinking she's settling on some level.

Once you have this info I can imagine that you feel like you wasted your life with this person. 40 years of an adult life is a lifetime, imo..Quite frankly, it would have been better if she just dropped you on your head early and then you would have had a chance to be with someone who is truly better suited.

At this point with no small children to support I'd tell her to kick rocks. Whether you find someone else at this point or not may not even matter. At least you would be free to see what's out there anyway...I'm not a fan of trying to fix this type of stuff, I more in the camp of "wasn't meant to be", and life is hard enough already without this type of ******** on top of it.

Sorry you have to deal with this, hang in there.

 

[Blossom Leigh]

Thank you deeply for being so vulnerable. I am so so sorry 😥

 

[ConanHub]

Infidelity is ridiculously destructive. Gaslighting and trickle truthing about it will destroy your soul.

A guy that used to post here almost committed suicide over being lied to and made to feel like he was insane because his wife couldn't keep her pants on.😡

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

So, first of all Tiny I’m very shocked. At all of it. But in the same breath I’m not because life is messy and well, humans.

if i knew then, what i know now, i would have consummated it with J!)

This is cruel and wrong. While I can’t deny I’ve thought in my head “if I knew now what I didn’t know then,” in the great words of Toby Keith…. I never said that to my LH. I know what that would have done to him because deep down I do believe that he loved a fair piece of me, but was too emotionally stunted to really show that or do what was necessary to really treat me like his wife.

placed a loaded pistol in my mouth, sobbing hysterically and pulled the trigger!

This, even though I obviously don’t know you in real life, made me instantly nauseous reading. I’m not judging you, but I am thinking deeply of your daughter, even your wife and what this would do to both of them Because I know what it did to me.

I've only but 2 to 3ish years(?) Knowing all of this this? That for me, this all just happened and I'm in pain!

The issue I see here is not only has she had more time, you didn’t do it again. You didn’t repeat the offense as she has, to what seems like several times.


This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, but I’m going to sing it anyways. When things like this happen, there’s a processing that has to occur and sometimes it goes on for years and sometimes it never stops processing. At least when you choose to stay with the spouse, it almost seems like a never-ending thing. The time between it being brought up in your head, may go longer between point an and point B or sometimes it’s constant.

Either way, at some point, it has to be almost lead to rest. I don’t even know if I’m saying this right because after I had my affair, I took the verbal assaults and the following me to work and I quit my job, I left a career I loved. We moved to a different state. I did every single thing that I could rectify something that really couldn’t ever be rectified I guess.

It takes a really strong couple to be able to move past something like that, and there’s a time for lashing out and pointing the finger and getting all of that out, and then there’s a time to heal from it and allow that bond to hopefully be mended, but that will never happen if it’s a constant attack. Does that make any sense? It’s not that you should be shoving your feelings down and swallowing it and taking it. You have to have time to work through it and that is a process, and it’s one thing to be doing that with somebody who’s repentant. Your wife doesn’t sound repentant which is gonna make it even harder.

I couldn’t have been more sorry if I had tried to be, but I couldn’t do anymore than I did except for go back in time and make a better choice and that wasn’t an option.

So I guess my point was, my husband should’ve just divorced me, but instead, he was cruel and used it as a means of control, which is why he chose me to begin with. I was young and naïve That I loved him so dearly that I would do almost anything for him. And I did do anything for him. But I did slip up along the way. The difference with me is I owned it, and I was on my knees every day for the next 12 years, trying to make it up to him until he shot himself one night.

So the unpopular opinion is that eventually you both have to stop beating each other up for your mistakes if you’re gonna get past it. Or, give up on each other and throw the towel in. Both scenarios are sad..

I don’t understand your wife, however. Military life is hard and time away from each other’s hard…. I think it’s pretty apparent that you get married and go into that life knowing that it’s gonna be though right? And it’s one thing to make A (meaning one time) mistake, it’s an entirely different thing when you’re bringing the guy around your husband and in your case, it’s two dudes. It’s wildly inappropriate and the fact that she can’t acknowledge that is very telling. I suspect you might be willing to work through it even more if she could own what was going on, but she’s so far into lying to herself, but that’s probably not gonna happen genuinely.

I don’t know if any of this has been helpful or just rubbed salt on your wound. Hoping you can find some peace and others comments if it can be had. And if nothing else, most important and from the bottom of this Internet strangers, heart, please keep yourself away from your firearm when you’re feeling down. The devastation you would leave behind is something I can’t even begin to explain and I so pray that no one you know ever knows.

 

[IJustWantToKnow234]

First, I want to thank you for the kind words you said in my thread.
I really appreciated.

Now, please take what I'm going to say next seriously:
-go to home depot/the hardware store
-buy 2 toilets, 1 permanent marker, 1 tarp, 1 sledge hammer, 2 bottles of cheap champagne
-set the tarp in your yard, unpack the toilets, assemble them, set them next to each other on the tarp
-take the marker and name one toilet "J" and the other one "SA guy" (you know SA guy was actually "the one that got away" right???)
-"bless" the naming with the cheap champagne
-take a deep breath, than take the sledge hammer to it. And put your back into it. Like you really mean it.
-catch your breath
-clean up back into the cardboard boxes they came from
-take them to the dump, where they belonged all these years
-come back home
-take a deep breath
-say BYE!!! to those images out of your mind. they don't deserve one more bit of energy and your time anymore.
-sleep tight, like a bug in a rug.

If you feel like you can't divorce your W,
How about you take care of YOU for a tiny bit???
How about YOU enjoy life???

She does not respect you
She will never come around to feel or care for you
She knows what buttons to push
She knows how to put you down

Go fish
Go drive around
go look at the mountains
just talk to people
finish some furniture
build a dog house

Plenty of things and stuff you can do, without being the subject of passive aggressive bitterness.

 

[TinyTbone]

Infidelity is ridiculously destructive. Gaslighting and trickle truthing about it will destroy your soul.

A guy that used to post here almost committed suicide over being lied to and made to feel like he was insane because his wife couldn't keep her pants on.😡

Morning. Well Conan...guess I'm basically reenacting that guys performance? Been there and done that. Crap I have what I call nite terror dreams, as my therapist says. Now not just parts of the house fire, but the nite of our anniversary and what i did. I see my self in 3rd person with the gun. Even I can't believe it was me!

 

[Openminded]

IIRC (and I may have confused you with another poster) didn’t you once say that you had offered your wife a hall pass while you were deployed? If you really did that, is it surprising that the situation with J happened (and I don’t think you’ll ever know the full truth about that)?

 

[TinyTbone]

So, first of all Tiny I’m very shocked. At all of it. But in the same breath I’m it because life is messy and well, humans.



This is cruel and wrong. While I can’t deny I’ve thought in my head “if I knew now what I didn’t know then,” in the great words of Toby Keith…. I never said that to my LH. I know what that would have done to him because deep down I do believe that he loved a fair piece of me, but was too emotionally stunted to really show that or do what was necessary to really treat me like his wife.




This, even though I obviously don’t know you in real life, made me instantly nauseous reading. I’m not judging you, but I am thinking deeply of your daughter, even your wife and what this would do to both of them Because I know what it did to me.



The issue I see here is not only has she had more time, you didn’t do it again. You didn’t repeat the offense as she has, to what seems like several times.


This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, but I’m going to sing it anyways. When things like this happen, there’s a processing that has to occur and sometimes it goes on for years and sometimes it never stops processing. At least when you choose to stay with the spouse, it almost seems like a never-ending thing. The time between it being brought up in your head, may go longer between point an and point B or sometimes it’s constant.

Either way, at some point, it has to be almost lead to rest. I don’t even know if I’m saying this right because after I had my affair, I took the verbal assaults and the following me to work and I quit my job, I left a career I loved. We moved to a different state. I did every single thing that I could rectify something that really couldn’t ever be rectified I guess.

It takes a really strong couple to be able to move past something like that, and there’s a time for lashing out and pointing the finger and getting all of that out, and then there’s a time to heal from it and allow that bond to hopefully be mended, but that will never happen if it’s a constant attack. Does that make any sense? It’s not that you should be shoving your feelings down and swallowing it and taking it. You have to have time to work through it and that is a process, and it’s one thing to be doing that with somebody who’s repentant. Your wife doesn’t sound repentant which is gonna make it even harder.

I couldn’t have been more sorry if I had tried to be, but I couldn’t do anymore than I did except for go back in time and make a better choice and that wasn’t an option.

So I guess my point was, my husband should’ve just divorced me, but instead, he was cruel and used it as a means of control, which is why he chose me to begin with. I was young and naïve That I loved him so dearly that I would do almost anything for him. And I did do anything for him. But I did slip up along the way. The difference with me is I owned it, and I was on my knees every day for the next 12 years, trying to make it up to him until he shot himself one night.

So the unpopular opinion is that eventually you both have to stop beating each other up for your mistakes if you’re gonna get past it. Or, give up on each other and throw the towel in. Both scenarios are sad..

I don’t understand your wife, however. Military life is hard and time away from each other’s hard…. I think it’s pretty apparent that you get married and go into that life knowing that it’s gonna be though right? And it’s one thing to make A (meaning one time) mistake, it’s an entirely different thing when you’re bringing the guy around your husband and in your case, it’s two dudes. It’s wildly inappropriate and the fact that she can’t acknowledge that is very telling. I suspect you might be willing to work through it even more if she could own what was going on, but she’s so far into lying to herself, but that’s probably not gonna happen genuinely.

I don’t know if any of this has been helpful or just rubbed salt on your wound. Hoping you can find some peace and others comments if it can be had. And if nothing else, most important and from the bottom of this Internet strangers, heart, please keep yourself away from your firearm when you’re feeling down. The devastation you would leave behind is something I can’t even begin to explain and I so pray that no one you know ever knows.

Well what can I say to all this? You've really hit some serious thoughts and feelings in me.
No, I will never entertain the thought again. I don't want my last moment on earth to permanently disfigure my daughters soul!
This is why I have chosen to have the big moment, the final confrontation. It can't go on like this anymore. It's killing me and it's killing her. The recent slip ups with things popping out show it needs to come out, all of it. I feel the biggest fear for her is being left alone. She knows that in reality, I don't need her, but she does need me to get by. I will be fine. I will find work, support myself and keep on going, while she can barely walk due to a bad knee and no work experience.
I think the biggest hurdle right now at getting all the truth out, whether worse than I fear already, or just inappropriate is that she's known for a long time my stance on cheating. She's, I feel trying to process whether I'm being honest about extending grace at this point and really forgiving so long as I know what it is I do this for, or will screw her and leave regardless.

 

[TinyTbone]

IIRC (and I may have confused you with another poster) didn’t you once say that you had offered your wife a hall pass while you were deployed? If you really did that, is it surprising that the situation with J happened (and I don’t think you’ll ever know the full truth about that)?

No you're not confused. However either folks see it as a hall pass or i worded it incorrectly.
What i did say was i understand that sometimes things happen. Things we wouldn't plan. That attraction can be strong. She's young and now fully a woman, not just a girl growing into adult hood. I told her that i can u her stand, but I'm hoping she can be faithful and respect us. However should she mess up, I asked a couple things. Don't dirty my doorstep or bed with it and I don't ever want to know. There's bliss in ignorance. What I don't know can't hurt me. Just you better be able to live it, because these kinda things will eat you like cancer. So no, I didn't give her a hall pass, just that I can understand how it can happen.

 

[Quad73]

No you're not confused. However either folks see it as a hall pass or i worded it incorrectly.
What i did say was i understand that sometimes things happen. Things we wouldn't plan. That attraction can be strong. She's young and now fully a woman, not just a girl growing into adult hood. I told her that i can u her stand, but I'm hoping she can be faithful and respect us. However should she mess up, I asked a couple things. Don't dirty my doorstep or bed with it and I don't ever want to know. There's bliss in ignorance. What I don't know can't hurt me. Just you better be able to live it, because these kinda things will eat you like cancer. So no, I didn't give her a hall pass, just that I can understand how it can happen.

That's kind of a hall pass.

The recent slip ups with things popping out show it needs to come out, all of it.

TT, if you've already reached your limit, consider just ending it. Could you just be pain shopping asking for more horror stories, and the way she might tell them with no remorse?


Btw, I'm really sorry to hear all of this...

 

[Openminded]

No you're not confused. However either folks see it as a hall pass or i worded it incorrectly.
What i did say was i understand that sometimes things happen. Things we wouldn't plan. That attraction can be strong. She's young and now fully a woman, not just a girl growing into adult hood. I told her that i can u her stand, but I'm hoping she can be faithful and respect us. However should she mess up, I asked a couple things. Don't dirty my doorstep or bed with it and I don't ever want to know. There's bliss in ignorance. What I don't know can't hurt me. Just you better be able to live it, because these kinda things will eat you like cancer. So no, I didn't give her a hall pass, just that I can understand how it can happen.

That basically gave her a green light to cheat, if she decided she could live with it, and also to never tell you what she did because you said “I don’t ever want to know.” And here you are, decades later, still dealing with the fall-out from that because you will never know the truth.

 

[TinyTbone]

OK, so after a good nights sleep, I remembered what the latest thing she slipped and said was. It's this that has finally propelled me to where I'm at now.
Out of the blue, I asked a question. It was based on a thread I was reading here. A wife was talking about wanting a 3 some based of her admission of having them twice before they met and married, after being mar1ried for 15 years.
So jokingly I asked, hey babe...you ever have a 3 some before we met? She said no...hell no! Then tangently she said wait, maybe sort of technicly? She said she'd been visiting her best friend G at her place one time. That she, her friend G and J had all slept in the same bed?!?
Again, cue that record scratch sound! This just stunned me. I couldn't even respond for 5 5 minutes. Just silence. Then I said, rather emotionally, is there anything else that's happened that you haven't told me about, because I'm about done with all these surprises! Well, she immediately tried to walk that one back, to which I said no. You said what you said honestly, can't take it back! I immediately asked her to explain. She tried and made no sense. I asked why didn't he sleep on the sofa? Crickets. Why didn't she sleep on the sofa? Crickets finally why was he there in the first place? He lived about 40 minutes from G, we lived about 40 minutes the other direction from G, so how the hell did all 3 of you wind up at her apartment? Crickets. Again, I exclaimed how the hell can you even begin to feel that was ok? You were married. This is beyond inexcusable behavior for a married woman or man! She tried to manipulate it by saying, well G slept in the same bed with us. To wit i replied that yes she has, but big difference. She became not just your friend when we married but our friend. We all went out together and did things together. That the times she was at our home visiting and stayed over and slept in our bed with us were wholly different. You were there. You knew we were all in the same bed, you were included in this, even insisted on it as the sofa and day bed were uncomfortable. Also that shes our friend so whats the fuss? Again told her dont throw that garbage in my face and try to make yourself the innocent victim here. You're not. This was with a man that had attempted to connectnwith your married ass and you handled it again. I'm not the a hole here. What we 3 had done back in those days was because we had a deep friendship shared and amazingly, duh, um you were there in the same bed with her and your husband and know nothing but sleep and stupid friend talk happened! This, this isn't even right!

 

[TinyTbone]

That basically gave her a green light to cheat, if she decided she could live with it, and also to never tell you what she did because you said “I don’t ever want to know.” And here you are, decades later, still dealing with the fall-out from that because you will never know the truth.

Yep, you are right with this! I thought i was being all grown up. Boy was that one of the biggest regrets of my life! I really thought that she wouldn't do this kind of crap. I was the nieve one.

Edit to add: you and Quad73 are correct. Looking back...crap. why is hindsight 20/20?