Thank you for your post MJJean. It expressed a lot of my thpughts and helps to dispell they are all heartless baby killers.

Where their underlying issues of why your sister had two abortions at 16? If so did the clinic offer any info as to possible issues and where to seek up.

 

My sister was using condoms sporadically and got pregnant because she wasn't consistent with condom use.

After the abortion, she was given the Pill. The clinic staff were very pro birth control beginning immediately after the procedure. She got pregnant about 6 months after the abortion because she flaked out on taking her birth control pills properly.

The second clinic recommended the shot. She had some serious side effects from the shot and ended up pregnant again at 17. She had twin girls just after her 18th birthday. Two years later, she had her 3rd daughter. Then, 6 years after that, she married and had the other three girls.

In her mid 20's, she started having "female problems" that worsened over time. When she was 30, she was diagnosed with PCOS. Turns out, it runs in our family. She had severe menstrual issues, it was extremely painful for her to have sex with her DH, and she had cysts. So, a hysterectomy was performed. She's actually very glad she had the girls when she did.

As for the boy, I feel truly sorry for him. I will never understand how the father of a child has no say in what happens. It takes two to make a baby, and he should have every right to be a part of what happens.

Biology dictates who gestates the young. Fair or not, the reality is the male makes his decision when he has sex with a female. He knows that if he impregnates her, she will decide what will become of the child.

So, basically, this boy had his "say" when he chose to have unprotected sex with a girl who may or may not decide to terminate.

 

You are welcome to look for your own studies. But what I have read indicates that the majority suffer no ill effects.

In my opinion, there may be negative effects from every choice.

Abortion may come with bad feelings.

Choosing to keep the child comes with a lot of potential issues. Its expensive and you need babysitters constantly to help you through at that age and you don't usually don't have parenting skills and patience.

I'm the mother of two and although I adore my children, there were days when they were collicky newborns or covered in explosive bowel movements (exactly how did that get in your hair?) or hiding report cards...that were rough and I thought about how much easier and cheaper life would have been without children.

Adoption comes with a boatload of issues too...especially since you have to stay pregnant and give birth which affects school and work. Plus I'd imagine you spend a lot of time wondering if you did the right thing and if the child is being raised well.

There's only one "right" and that's when a woman only gets pregnant when she wants to give birth and raise a child. Every other decision is a personal choice made by a woman who uses the current data she has to make the best logical and emotional choice FOR HER.

The parents' role in that is simply exactly what this OP is doing. Support her, don't guilt her out or add to her sense of self-disappointment and get her all the information she needs to make an informed choice. And most of all, to support whatever comes after she makes the decision.

Adult behavior unfortunately comes with adult consequences and this young woman has to make this decision on her own.

 

In my opinion, there may be negative effects from every choice.

Abortion may come with bad feelings.

Of course. All of life's decisions can. I was disagreeing with the prevalent notion that abortion, by its nature, leaves lifelong, horrible scars.

I agree with everything else.

 

Abort mission... I repeat ABORT.

These two people are INCAPABLE of raising a child.

At least your daughter is smart enough to realize she's not able.

This world is filled with enough broken and fvcked up people.

 

My oldest daughter got pregnant at 16. I told her when I found out that adoption and abortion weren't options for her. She was grown up enough to have sex, she was grown up enough to deal with the consequences. She graduated HS and graduated with top honors from college. She is now 26, and my grandson is 9. Her and her bf are still together.

Obviously you have to do what is right for your family. I hope your daughter will be okay with her decision. When I got pregnant at 18, I thought about abortion. I just couldn't do it. While I can understand your wanting to respect your daughter's decision, I personally couldn't do it.

As for the boy, I feel truly sorry for him. I will never understand how the father of a child has no say in what happens. It takes two to make a baby, and he should have every right to be a part of what happens.

 

My oldest daughter got pregnant at 16. I told her when I found out that adoption and abortion weren't options for her. She was grown up enough to have sex, she was grown up enough to deal with the consequences.

How is abortion or adoption not dealing with the consequences?

 

My oldest daughter got pregnant at 16. I told her when I found out that adoption and abortion weren't options for her. She was grown up enough to have sex, she was grown up enough to deal with the consequences. She graduated HS and graduated with top honors from college. She is now 26, and my grandson is 9. Her and her bf are still together.

I think adult behavior is allowing her to make the choice by herself and not be forced into a decision based on someone else's moral code. I have daughters and there's no way I'd force them into my way of thinking on this issue if they became pregnant. They do have to live with the consequences and they deserve the right to make the decision their own. I respect my kids rights and I know I raised them with the ability to make their own choices.

Obviously you have to do what is right for your family. I hope your daughter will be okay with her decision. When I got pregnant at 18, I thought about abortion. I just couldn't do it. While I can understand your wanting to respect your daughter's decision, I personally couldn't do it.

OP, this is what I mean by "guilting." Please don't say stuff like this to your daughter or let others do it while she's trying to work through this. This is the type of language that can cause long-term damage later.

As for the boy, I feel truly sorry for him. I will never understand how the father of a child has no say in what happens. It takes two to make a baby, and he should have every right to be a part of what happens.

The male's decision making power ends when their biological contribution ends. Women have longer decision periods simply because they're the ones who have to be pregnant and give birth. He's not doing that...she is.

She certainly can choose to consider what he has to say but ultimately it is not his decision to make...its hers.

 

I think adult behavior is allowing her to make the choice by herself and not be forced into a decision based on someone else's moral code. I have daughters and there's no way I'd force them into my way of thinking on this issue if they became pregnant. They do have to live with the consequences and they deserve the right to make the decision their own. I respect my kids rights and I know I raised them with the ability to make their own choices.



OP, this is what I mean by "guilting." Please don't say stuff like this to your daughter or let others do it while she's trying to work through this. This is the type of language that can cause long-term damage later.



The male's decision making power ends when their biological contribution ends. Women have longer decision periods simply because they're the ones who have to be pregnant and give birth. He's not doing that...she is.

She certainly can choose to consider what he has to say but ultimately it is not his decision to make...its hers.

Oooops, you caught me. I am a horrible mother. I wasn't trying to force my way onto the OP. I was just stating what I did. I get that people, (you) won't agree with my actions. That's perfectly fine with me. I am vehemently anti abortion, but I obviously realize people are allowed to make their own decisions. I also don't get where I used any "guilt shaming."

I think someone inferred a little too much.

 

I for one am glad my son was a choice and not a consequence. It's something that has changed the entire course of my life from that point on and because you are a teen, you are starting that life at a deficit. With statistics against you, for you and your child. Grandparents, friends, family, they don't live it, it's not their life and it shouldn't be their choice.
No one should be deciding what to do other than the mother herself.

OP- you sound like an amazing and supportive Mother. Whatever your daughter chooses she will have that advantage on her side.

 

If I may weigh in here, I got pregnant at 17 and had an abortion. It was my decision and I don't regret it at all. I also got pregnant at 20 and now have a wonderful 22 year old son. I don't regret that decision in the slightest. The difference between both unplanned pregnancies was who the father was. The first was an abusive, manipulative person who would have made a terrible father. The second was with a kind and compassionate man who I knew would be a wonderful father, regardless if our relationship lasted. It has.

This is your daughter's decision, nobody elses. It is her body and her health being risked here, not the boy's, not yours, only hers. Support whatever decision she makes. 17 and pregnant is terrifying, especially when people are questioning her decisions.

Lastly, you daughter didn't do anything "wrong". She had sex. Teenagers do that and sometimes pregnancy happens even with the best birth control. She is still a "really good kid" and going through the worst time of her life. Hug her for me. She needs it.

 

Just want to chime in here. I had an abortion at age 19. Yes, it's awful that it had to happen (BC failed), but I never experienced depression. In fact, today, I know that there is no way - at all - that I'd be where I am today if I'd had a baby at 19.

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How did the meeting with the principal/foster mom go last night?

 

And, as mentioned upthread; why IS she attracted to a guy who seems to be a train wreck?

Aren't all girls attracted to the "bad boys?" /end sacrasm

What a shock! He's a horrible provider... I hope step two isn't to find a beta man to help raise the child for her.

 

I can give you some first hand advice here. I fell pregnant at 16 and had baby at 17. I had baby girl and she's now an adult studying psychology. Things can work out if she chooses to have and keep the baby.

That said, the decision should be hers and hers alone. If she goes through with the pregnancy her body, life, opportunities and health could be effected. Statistically speaking he's unlikely to be around, whilst he may be, those are just the stats. The emotional and financial costs of sole parenthood are high and it's extremely difficult and they will largely fall on your daughter.

Also if she chooses to have an abortion that's never an easy thing, but many women who have them don't regret it and feel it was a wise decision.

I don't like the insinuation that your daughter must somehow be punished because she was being selfish and thinking of herself when she had sex, it's normal and natural to want sex, and she should not have to pay a high price for it.

Personally I'm glad I had my daughter, but I'm even happier that no one made me have her, I wasn't forced to carry a child I didn't want, because that would have been truly dreadful. It's her body and should be her choice.

 

No judgements betrayed. Women are allowed to sleep with whoever the heck we want to. Not all of them are going to be someone you'd want to raise a child with. There isn't a single thing to indicate this girl is looking for anyone to help raise this child with.

She smartly understands that he isn't someone she wants to co-parent with. I wish every woman had that amount of understanding. I sure didn't at that age. Some girls think they'll have the baby and the guy will suddenly shape up and step up and they'll all be one big happy family. This girl has the maturity to know what is best for her and IMO it's indicative of what a wonderful support system she has at home and in her Mother.

In the future when any woman is ready to have a child and they do so with a partner that is capable of being a father, it won't be because he's a "beta provider".
Maybe men who are finding themselves filling ONLY that position should stop complaining about it and fix their picker to find women who see them as more. Maybe they should have the maturity this girl has to know who they should be parenting a child with and who is not a good fit to do so.


But let's not get into painting women as users. Bad women and bad men are minorities. They do not speak for the whole gender. The vast, vast majority of women are not like that.

 

Hi everyone-

Met last night with Mom/Principal. It went well, but is jus so sad. I did find out that boy tried to jump out of a moving car on Sunday night. Unfortunately since the holidays are the busiest times in the stress center there were no beds so mom was forced to call his probation officer and have him put in shelter care to keep him safe until there are beds. I heard more about his childhood and why his coping skills are so poor and it is unbelievably awful the things this kid has gone through. He is a good person, but bad luck and bad choices keep getting him. She's fighting to get him every bit of help possible because he will be 18 soon and then things change...

I guess there are several colleges interested in him for football and he wants to be a firefighter. He has good grades and works hard in school but isn't the brightest and had nothing stable in his life during those formative years so the hope is that he will be ready for college next fall.

She was very respectful of the fact that it's my daughters decision to make and wanted her to know that she still thinks the world of her. I guess she knew before I did and told my daughter on the phone that she had 30 minutes to tell me because she wanted her to just get it done. I'm glad she was there for her.

My daughter keeps asking how boy is doing. Mom told me to tell her that he's fine and that she will take care of him. Mom did tell me that boy feels like he ruins everything and has now destroyed someone else's life. He just wants to be responsible and do what's right and when my daughter immediately dumped him he didn't understand that. So I asked if it would be helpful for us to see him and she thought so. She is going to arrange but now that he's been turned over to probation it is all a little complicated. I asked my daughter last night if she wanted to see him and she does. She's so worried about him- she doesn't say it but I can tell.

I hope seeing him is the right thing- I think it will be. They needs to make peace with this whole thing. They both know a baby wouldn't be good for them right now- too much stacked against them.

I'll keep you all posted- thanks for the advice.
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Life tends to throw things at you...it's those moments when you find your strength (or don't) -you are doing great -you found your strength -your daughter will find hers.

Whatever decision your daughter makes -the world will keep spinning -and people like her (from what you described) drive on regardless.

 

I think maybe I should add that I think my daughter really wanted to be just friends with this kid from the get go. She likes him but she's always known he probably isn't good for her. She has tried to break up with him but it's hard when he is always in crisis and she felt like she didn't want to cause him more stress or add to his pain. Which is why when this all happened I told her flat out you need to put YOU first now. And asked foster mom to help by encouraging boy to giver my daughter space.
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Posted by Nikoled

Met last night with Mom/Principal. It went well, but is jus so sad. I did find out that boy tried to jump out of a moving car on Sunday night. Unfortunately since the holidays are the busiest times in the stress center there were no beds so mom was forced to call his probation officer and have him put in shelter care to keep him safe until there are beds. I heard more about his childhood and why his coping skills are so poor and it is unbelievably awful the things this kid has gone through. He is a good person, but bad luck and bad choices keep getting him.

OP, 18 years of co-parenting with this unfortunte young man could prove extremely difficult... Another thing for your daughter to consider should she choose to keep the child.

 

I'm sorry that your family is in this position. It is difficult, but a baby has already been made. Plans should be made for how to make sure that both your daughter and her child are taken care of, rather than trying to make it all go away. Encouraging her to kill the child will cause more harm than good in the long run. She knows she is carrying a child. That is going to mess with her soul for the rest of her life.
Further there are risks to abortion that are not really discussed. Have you thought about what happens during an abortion? It's pretty horrible.
I encourage you to contact a crisis pregnancy center in your area and find out what options are available to help your daughter. There is no reason why she cannot consider carrying the child to term and finding a loving home. There are many couples that would be wonderful parents who are waiting for a child to love.

 

I really respect you from prior advice you have given me and do respect your point of view. I always thought I leaned toward anti-abortion. But now that I am wearing these shoes my view has changed.

I will be fully supportive if my daughter wants to have and keep the baby. I am able to babysit while she goes to school. We can absorb the cost. We have the space. My husband and I are young parents and we have the energy and time to help with a young child. So adoption would not be an option for her. But I truly think in our particular case we have to consider abortion. I know to some it is very morally objectional and I get and respect that. Never thought we would be considering it.

 

Please do not ever go to a crisis pregnancy center. They have been caught outright lying to women about their options, their pregnancy, hiding facts and manipulating women into keeping pregnancies that they do not want. Horrible people.

If we really want what is best for the woman and her emotions during this time, using words like killing and child and "mess with her soul" are counterproductive and help no one.

ETA http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caitlin-bancroft/crisis-pregnancy-center_b_3763196.html

 

I'm sorry that your family is in this position. It is difficult, but a baby has already been made. Plans should be made for how to make sure that both your daughter and her child are taken care of, rather than trying to make it all go away. Encouraging her to kill the child will cause more harm than good in the long run. She knows she is carrying a child. That is going to mess with her soul for the rest of her life.
Further there are risks to abortion that are not really discussed. Have you thought about what happens during an abortion? It's pretty horrible.
I encourage you to contact a crisis pregnancy center in your area and find out what options are available to help your daughter. There is no reason why she cannot consider carrying the child to term and finding a loving home. There are many couples that would be wonderful parents who are waiting for a child to love.

sigh...

OP, this is why you should be careful at home to keep this private so that you don't run into this type of nonsense when your daughter is trying to make an informed decision.

 

Its nice to have an opinion.

 

First, I am not trying to be in your face or to offend you. I understand this is a difficult situation. No doubt about it. The reason I am using the words that I am is because this is the reality of what your daughter will eventually face.

This is why it is very likely that your daughter will suffer if she has an abortion. Eventually she will grapple with the reality of killing her child. That is a heavy burden to bear and can have much greater negative consequences than dealing with a baby and the circumstances surrounding this situation will.

Who are you to assume that you know how someone will feel or what they will experience? What utter arrogance.

There are myriads of women who have abortions who have no regrets about their decision and there are many mothers who give birth who do have regrets.

You have every right to make whatever decision you choose should you find yourself pregnant but you have ZERO right to tell another person what they should do in their situation with their body and their life.

I have two daughters and as much as I want grandchildren, I would never be inhuman enough to force my daughter into a decision she didn't want should she find herself in this position. Its so very, very wrong.

OP, please keep your daughter away from people who have the audacity to insist they absolutely know what she should do. She has the right to decide what is best for her. And as long as she makes an informed choice, she's doing the right thing.

I know to some it is very morally objectionable and I get and respect that. Never thought we would be considering it.

Other people's moral objections can apply to their own bodies and lives. They have nothing to do with your daughter's rights.

 

Then let's all help destigmatize abortion so these women don't need to suffer due to other people's moral objections.

 

I agree 100%, but just not in Nik's thread.

This thread is about a mother trying to support her daughter through a difficult time.

 

Nikoled, I highly, highly suggest your daughter get into counseling asap before she makes a decision one way or the other in regards to this pregnancy. Either choice will have life long consequences and you want to make sure she is confident in her decision, being able to deal with it many years from now. She needs to know all the information and get all of her feelings out in the open to be able to deal with this in a healthy way.

I worked in a pregnancy clinic while I was in college and have seen both sides, where some did okay with an abortion and some did not. Some did well with parenting and others struggled. It's a very tough choice to make and think about what the future will look like. This is not something for her to take lightly. She seems to really care for this guy, as she did sleep with him, so I do think she still wants to be with him, but she is just scared. This is not how she expected things to happen and has put up a wall to protect herself, which ultimately does not help her. Counseling is a must.

I have no personal experience in regards to abortion, but I have had an unplanned pregnancy. I got pregnant when my son was only 6 months old, while he had a lot of health issues(breathing problems, cyanosis, chest/neck retractions, etc), which was very scary and exhausting. I did not want to be pregnant while dealing with all of that and I panicked. After that panic feeling lifted, I knew I did always want that baby, but unfortunately miscarried a week and a half later. I am very glad I never made any decisions while I was in that state of panic and fear because the decision would not be what I would normally make.

It's so great to see your support for her, no matter what she chooses. I just strongly urge that she gets counseling first, to make sure she is making the choice from a solid stand point instead of in fear.

 

OP, I didn’t want to chime in when I saw this thread but will just to add the other side here. I want to say first off you seem like a great mother and one who cares deeply for her daughter which I comment big time. You have gone to great lengths to help her and all mothers should be as helpful as you been in this difficult situation your family is in (my wife got pregnant at 16 not w me and it was not as smooth as you are being). Anyway I just want you to see some things.

First off you say you care what the boy is but you have made it clear you see faults with him due to his upbringing. Well he cant control that. When you said he might be manipulating your daugher due to be foster home care I can tell you that is probably not the case. I grew up in foster homes abandoned by my mother. You don’t learn these traits in there. You learn to surivive and have a guard up that the world thinks you are crap cause no one wants you. And guess what your daughter has proved that to him. I mean they were close enough to have sex and a baby comes in and boom she stops talking to him? Imagine if the roles were reversed and your daugther was the poor girl from other side of the tracks and he was with the good family and he all of a sudden stopped talking to her cold turkey? No on here would like him including me.

But as you said hes been dealt a crap hand in the world and look by your statements he gets great grades and in sports to get into college. That is a sign of someone raising them up from their past. But you blame him for no protection. Well yeah he is at fault but so is your daughter. To say hes disrespectful? Come on? I mean you know who is having unprotected sex these days? Most teens including your daughter. If anything with your parenting and family structure she should have known just as much as him.

You keep saying there was no chance as they were always watched well guess what it happened. They are young and dumb and probably telling each other they are in love. Now that the pregancy has happened I am sure your daughter is trying to play to you and all of a sudden hes this and that. Wrong. He was charming and good enough for her to like and sleep with so he should be good enough to have the resepct to talk to during this. Now I am not telling you what to do. Your daughter might be better off not having it and getting on but to cut him out cold is not right either. Your daughter owes it to him to at least talk to him. She can make a baby with him like an adult she can talk to him like one.

Again you seem like a caring mother but I think you need to see your daughter put you in this issue with her great backgound just as much as the boy who has a crappy one did too. Fair is fair. I hope whatever you do you and your daughter are well going forward.

 

I actually agree with much of what you said and I think I've said as much in my prior posts. If I have not let me clarify.

I do think it is disrespectful as a boy not to use a condom when having sex with a girl that you care about, BUT that doesn't mean that my daughter is not also at fault. She could have insisted or stopped or offered to get some or whatever and she did not. If I implied that this is just his fault that was not my intention. Yes, they were not alone ever- as in home alone, but they are teenagers. I'm not ignorant enough to know that it is impossible for things like this to happen. I did plenty of questionable things as a teen too- I get it.

I also agree that she owes him the opportunity to at least talk before the decision is final. We have reached out to the family and are awaiting a time to do so. He is in protective custody right now to keep him safe so we have no control over when, but we have initiated that contact and I truly hope that it happens. She tried to break up with this boy several times over the past month- I think she got in over her head and was feeling guilty so even though she liked him she didn't like where the relationship had gone and was trying to break up. But every time he would get so depressed/suicidal/etc. so she would take him back. I understand that he needs to have some input and closure, but at the same time I needed to help her put up her wall for a couple of days while her head got clear because he was unable to give her a little space. She cares so very much for this kid. He has poor coping skills. But should she stay with him just because he cannot handle her not staying with him? That's not really fair either. Our hearts are all hurting for him, but I also need to make sure we aren't making decisions based soley upon him.

Yes, I do see faults in his upbringing. It was HORRIBLE. It's not his fault and it doesn't need to define him- but he is young. He is being given the opportunity to go to college, to play football, to have a career. This kid deserves the opportunity to be able to take advantage of these GOOD situations being offered to him. Not that a baby isn't a good situation- I truly believe babies are a blessing and no one loves their children more than I do. But in thie particular situation it is an obstacle that might prevent some things that he NEEDS to happen in order to be able to survive. His story in a nutshell- born to drug addicted parents. Put in foster care as a preschooler. Shuffled around to 3 different placements. Adopted. Adopted dad died. Adopted mom went crazy. Adopted mom killed herself in front of him. Aunt took him in. Cousins molested him. In and out of group homes. Birth parents recently died. There is so much more. The details are just horrendous.

I know that people can overcome. I so hope he can. I could look at this baby as a blessing that is supposed to somehow motivate and help him to grow and step up. And that thought has crossed my mind and I feel guilty for trying to keep it out of there-Because I also need to consider MY child. This boy may not be able to overcome. He is connected to some pretty bad stuff. And as much as my heart hurts for him it also is terrified.

 

There is no hurry, as abortion is legal until ? weeks in your state. She won't even begin to show until 3 months, so no one will even know she is/was pregnant. Let her take time to think about it rather than push her. She might have a miscarriage, as Anonymous07 did, and then she will not have had to make any decision at all. Consider encouraging her to think about it until she is 13 weeks along. Most miscarriages happen before then if the baby is nonviable. (I've had 3 miscarriages that I know of. Who knows how many I actually had, because my periods were never regular anyway, and I wasn't keeping track until after my first child was born.)

 

If he really wants to be a dad, there's more where that came from as far as he is concerned. Put bluntly, his sperm is not a real estate claim to your daughter's womb. There is more to making a baby than having sex.

My wife is pregnant. Even though I go out to get Ben & Jerry's for her when she's craving, pay the mortgage and utilities, pay the medical bills, massage her when she's sore or even when she's not, and wash her clothes so she doesn't have to go down the scary stairs to the basement, I still have to be mindful of her personal space and remember that she is her own person. It is hard at times, my kid is in there.

I don't know if she should discuss the abortion with him. She certainly shouldn't engage him if he tries to talk her out of it. Maybe she can say some kind words and well-wishes to make for an amicable breakup (I know nothing about breakups).

 

If he really wants to be a dad, there's more where that came from as far as he is concerned. Put bluntly, his sperm is not a real estate claim to your daughter's womb. There is more to making a baby than having sex.

That is good enough to be a signature, EBS.

 

Nik, just wanted to comment again. Your description of the boy and his situation hits close to home for me. I also had a rough upbringing and, when I got pregnant, I was at a turning point - I had the opportunity to make something of myself, to get out of that situation, that area, etc. I went forward with the abortion, moved out of my abusive parents' home, started working 3 jobs and going to college...and now less than 10 years later, I make more than both of my parents combined, am married, and have a full life. Meanwhile, the girls who got knocked up and never left my hometown are working at gas stations and call centers, some have been in and out of rehab, 2 have lost custody of their kids. People can talk all they want about the supposed side effects of abortion, but again, for me -- I'm sad that it happened, sad that I got pregnant at all, but I've never had any related psychological problems.

I really admire you for how well you are handling this. No matter what happens, I'm quite sure that your daughter will be grateful to you.

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