I got pregnant at 16 and decided to keep my child. It was not easy and it's too much of a personal choice for anyone but the mother to be making.

If she feels that abortion is the right thing for her to then your job is to just support her. I know it's hard not to feel bad about her ex but just worry about your own daughter right now, even without knowing his other issues it sounds like he could end up being a nightmare to co-parent with.

If she chooses abortion, make sure she is on birth control consistently. Maybe talk to her Dr about something like depo or the patch, implant or IUD. Something she can't forget to take. Encourage her to get an STD panel and a pap test too.

 

I got pregnant at 16 and decided to keep my child. It was not easy and it's too much of a personal choice for anyone but the mother to be making.

If she feels that abortion is the right thing for her to then your job is to just support her. I know it's hard not to feel bad about her ex but just worry about your own daughter right now, even without knowing his other issues it sounds like he could end up being a nightmare to co-parent with.

If she chooses abortion, make sure she is on birth control consistently. Maybe talk to her Dr about something like depo or the patch, implant or IUD. Something she can't forget to take. Encourage her to get an STD panel and a pap test too.

:iagree:

I'm personally anti abortion, i don't believe a child is to be punished for the mother's/father's mistakes. However, i also don't believe in shoving my controversial opinions at other people

Your daughter will need all of your support right now, I'm sure this is throwing you all for a loop. The hormones have already started coursing through her and changing her, thing will be different after this for her, no matter her choice. She might need some counseling either way.

 

I've been through this twice, as the boy. Although we didn't break up right away. All I can say is that an abortion will affect her in ways she can't fathom until it's too late. I'm not anti, but will tell you with the benefit of 30 years of hindsight, I would choose differently if I had it to do over.

 

Were you involved with the decision as a boy in a relationship? My daughter has totally shut this boy out. I was supportive of that at first, but now I'm feeling really badly for this kid. I think it was her reaction to protect herself when she was hit with the reality of the situation.

 

When I was in a treatment center for depression over 28 years ago, all the other patients were suffering from losing a child to abortion, whether they were male or female. Every one of them sobbed when they read their letters to their unborn child. Their pain and guilt contributed to men being alcoholics, women being sex addicts or deeply codependent, etc. At the time I was glad I had never gotten pregnant while single, because I too would have had an abortion and been suffering from one more issue.

I have 3 daughters and a son. If any of them gets pregnant out of wedlock, they know that I will not be ashamed of them, but will help them through pregnancy and adoption. Even my 20 year old son, who is sexually active and and isn't ready for a baby says that if a girlfriend gets pregnant he doesn't want her to get an abortion. He would be ready to take responsibility for his actions. He would be devastated to know his child was murdered in the womb.

Having a baby at 17 or 18 isn't the end of a girl's life, especially in today's society. She can still get scholarships, go to college, etc. She can have the baby, and give it to a loving family for adoption.

That boy your daughter was dating is in a worse spot than your daughter. It is not fair that he has no say regarding his own child. It could push him over the edge, since he doesn't have parents or family. It would be tragic.

But at least your daughter's future is preserved. That's all that matters, right?

 

My daughter was trying to save him I think, but in it has sarificed herself.

When I found out I told her that she needed to put herself first now. It was time to take care of her and decide what she needs to do.

Your daughter did not sacrifice herself. She is not dead. She was horny, had sex, and nature ran its course.

She was already thinking of herself. Now she needs to start thinking of others: the boy's feelings, and the baby's future.

Your daughter will have a future regardless of her decision about the baby, because she has supportive parents. She needs your love and for you to encourage her to do the better thing for everyone involved.

 

If your daughter wants an abortion get it done. While it's not at all an easy thing to go through for anyone, I know several women who had abortions in the young single days and none of them claim to regret it in the slightest.

Your worry and focus should be on your daughter. This boy may be a fantastic kid who's had some lousy hand dealt him. Without a family it would be natural for him to desperately want to create his own family. But we adults know that the fantasies of a teenager do not come to pass on wishes.

Your daughter has her whole life ahead of her and it sounds like she intends to have that life. She needs your support for her decision. Good for you for being there for her!

 

If your daughter wants an abortion get it done. While it's not at all an easy thing to go through for anyone, I know several women who had abortions in the young single days and none of them claim to regret it in the slightest.

I think that many people get wound up in their own political views and either dismiss that there are some women who aren't bother in the least as your friends were and then there are others that think no women will be bothered.

The reality is that some are incredibly troubled by it and others who are not. I suspect the biggest factor is how supported they are.

 

She doesn't want to talk to him because she is afraid he will change her mind. .

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes because I have daughters around the age of 17. If there is any shred of doubt in her mind about keeping the baby, and you are able to take care of it while she continues her education, don't let her get the abortion. However, if she does want to, then you'll have to be there to support her and not try to change her mind if she is SURE this is what she wants to do.

I'm not pro anything except for myself. I would not get an abortion and I would not want my daughters to get one. I've known of a couple of women who have done so and still weep about it today (they were both in stable marriages and already had children).

my 2 cts

 

My niece became pregnant at 14 and my sister insisted on an immediate abortion. Within a year my niece was pregnant again... Many years later she told me that the second pregnancy had been deliberate and designed to help her deal with the grief and pain of the abortion. She's now 39 years of age and a mother of 5, but she still grieves for her 'lost' child.

I think we have to be so careful with this sort of thing, because no matter how well intentioned - an unwanted abortion can leave a lifetime of scars.

 

I think we have to be so careful with this sort of thing, because no matter how well intentioned an unwanted abortion can leave a lifetime of scars.

Yes, this scares me. I've been careful of my words from the second she told me as I know how big this is and how this needs to be her decision for her own mental healh. I also think I probably should look for some counseling for her.

 

I'm basically neutral on the subject of abortion. I think it's completely the choice of the person who's pregnant because she's the one who has to deal with it. Some single mothers do well and some don't. Some women regret their entire lives they had an abortion and some don't. Right now, her future is unknown but a decision has to be made soon and it's hers to make. Your job obviously is to emotionally support her -- whatever she chooses -- and not try to persuade her one way or the other. And, yes, that's very hard. But this is her life and her choice. I hope she has the maturity to deal with it either way because it's a tough road whatever she chooses. I wish the very best for both of you.

 

Your job obviously is to emotionally support her -- whatever she chooses -- and not try to persuade her one way or the other. And, yes, that's very hard. But this is her life and her choice.

I agree. The choice is hers alone. Trying to get her to do one thing or another can end up very badly.

Abortion has it's risks but many women do not have any regret or emotional problems afterwards. If they have the support and love and are not met with judgement, she will get through this.

And keep in mind that teen parenting does not just change your teens. Finishing school, college, getting your first place, dating, first job and trying to move up - all with a child - is harder. The choice I made changed everything from that moment on.
Many of the women I was with in my teen pregnancy group (a gov't thing to help us finish school) were never able to get back up. They ended up on welfare, more children, crappy boyfriends. There are horror stories on both sides of this sadly.

It is far too personal of a choice for anyone to make other than her.

Research abortion clinics in your area and find a good one that has a full range of services for her. Be aware that there are some places out there that will act like they will help you with getting an abortion and then once you are there pile on judgement and try to get you to change your mind.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/pregnancy/crisis-pregnancy-centers

This link is also a nice read-through for you
Parents | Abortion Care | Northland Family Planning Centers

 

I'm sorry this has happened in your family . How far along is she?

 

I haven't asked for exactly when this happened but based upon last period, etc. it would have had to have been at the very beginning of November. So according to calculators around 5 weeks - very early.

 

Here's a little more info...

I am the child of a teen mom. My daughter has always known that I had a challenging childhood because of it. She sees her "grandpa" (my bio-dad) and how he never amounted to anything. Lives with his elderly mom still and never did anything with his life (we don't really have a relationship, but we see him when we visit my grandmother). I have a great mom, but it was hard. I remember. We were all very lucky that she eventually married my wonderful step father who raised us like his own and had the financial means to support us.

My last pregnancy was very bad and its the only one she can remember. It is what she knows about pregnancy. She was 5 when I had her sister and I almost died- was horribly sick the entire 9 months. I think this terrifies her. I know every pregnancy is different, but I also know what I had runs in families and there is a chance she will have the same issues. I have not told her that at this point.

I too always thought if one of my children became pregnant or got someone else pregnant that they would have the baby and we would all just be fine. That still is a possibility. Abortion is never something I thought would even be contemplated very honestly. We can handle a baby- we have the means, she can still go to school, we love children, etc. My daughter has always wanted to be a mom. I think had this boy been someone that I wasn't so uncomfortable with I'd be more accepting of having the baby. But he is a mess. And honesly I'm fearful of what we don't know about him. I think my daughter is too now that the fantasy bubble has burst. What I do know is that he has been in the foster care system almost his entire life. He has suffered tremendous loss in his life- his parents, siblings, he was adopted once, but the parents both died (I verified this story with newspapers because it sounded so crazy that this kid would have so much loss). His older brother is a drug dealer and has tried to drag him into it by threatening his younger sister- he resisted, but only after my daughter found out and basically turned him into his foster mom. He has been threatened by gangs. He was molested by an aunt that had custody of him for a while. And I believe his foster mom told me that he is bipolar. We live in an upper middle class suburb where this life is something I know NOTHING about and neither does my daughter. She was drawn to him initially because he needed a friend. She was a good friend to him and became his confidant. He was crazy about her and started buying her nice presents and really treated her well and he is a fun person. But he also is a manipulator. He has learned to be in foster care- it is his protection device- he's smooth. He is super polite and always says the right thing. I don't think he means harm by it, but it does help him to get his way. I"m not saying my daughter is not responsible for her actions, but I definitely think there was some manipulating going on.

I think if he was a "normal" boy I would be so much more supportive of keeping this baby, but honestly I am scared for her to have ties to him forever. I'm scared for him too. He needs the chance to build a life for himself. He has so many people trying to get him there right now- has been accepted to college, is getting all a's and b's, is learning to drive, etc. I never thought abortion would be a good option for one of my children, but in this case it is seeming like the better choice.

 

I see someone else has mentioned adoption. Have you considered that option?

 

If she chooses to have the baby she will keep it and that would be fine- we would be supportive. I think adoption would be harder on her than abortion quite honestly. Although I do think it is a great thing for some. We have several adoptees on our immediate family so we are close to that situation and have seen it up close.

 

I am in favor of supporting your DD's decision. It is her life, and her body. While others here have expressed their belief that an abortion will cause long term harm, having a pregnancy at a young age does equal amounts of harm. From what you've shared it does not appear that the guy could provide any kind of stable co-parenting environment. So I would advise that you allow your DD to meet with the MD at the local clinic and see how she feels.

Every situation is different. But the choice is hers and hers alone.

 

If she keeps the baby, she keeps the BF. He will be part of her life, make sure she is aware of that factor.

 

Yes, I think this is what she realized when she was hit with reality. She really cares about this boy. But she knows he is not good for her and has just so many issues. I think that is why she dropped him right away when she found out even though she was gaga over him the week before. But poor boy has been through so much trauma that I don't think it hit him the same way. I think to him it looked kind of like a positive where to her it definitely did not.

 

If the Dad is pressuring her to not have the abortion or wanting her to stay with him, I doubt getting him to give up rights will be that easy. Typically the courts don't like doing that anyway unless there is someone else willing to step in AND the bio-father has been out of the picture for a long time.
She will likely have to deal with splitting custody with this guy, who is not stable, for the next 18 years. She will need to notify him of moves, of changes in her income, all choices she makes with the child will be shared with him, he will be in her life as she tries to date and marry.

If anything can be learned here on TAM it's be careful who you have children with.

 

I"m meeting with his foster mom tonight. Even that is complicated. She is the principal at my daughter's school. She adores my daughter and my daughter adores her. She never had children and is just a little older than I am. She has spent tons of time with my child over the past 2 months and really knows her, but I"m sure her loyalty is to the boy as she is raising him- she has had him for about 18 months. She is a good person. She is doing the best she knows how to do. She asked to meet with me so we could just talk. He will still be in the stress center. I'm not going to tell my daughter we are meeting until after we do I think.

When the pregnancy was confirmed she immediately dumped him and we requested no contact for now. Foster mom knew this and took his phone so that he wouldn't call her. He went out and somehow got another phone and did call her and they talked for 2 hours. I checked our phone bill the next day and saw it and asked my child about it- she admitted it right away and said he was begging her not to break up with him. The next day he was trying to facetime her all day and my daughter was upset by it- she was trying to ignore him. I finally texted Foster mom and requested that she ask him to stop facetiming as my daughter needed sleep- she was exhausted. She went and confronted him on how he had a new phone and he took off running and threw the phone away- making me a bit suspicious about I don't even know what. The next morning, yesterday, she admitted him into the stress center. I think he was suicidal, but not sure. My daughter asked me last night to text the mom and just check up on him. I did not tell her he is in the stress center. I was asked not to. So we are meeting tonight to catch up. I want to do what I can to make this as easy for this boy as it can be, but I am really struggling with this. My daughter misses him, but knows he is bad for her and wants to just close that door. He needs closure. Not sure how to help him and help her. Ugh.

 

My heart breaks for this boy. He sees this baby as his only family. He sees this abortion as the same as the way his family rejected him. My heart really breaks for this boy.

But the decision your daughter makes has to be one that she wants because it's the decision she is most confident regarding her further. Whether that confidence is that being a single parent is doable or about not wanting to by pass her plans for her life, the choice is hers.

I'm so sorry this is heartbreaking all around. I'm so thankful I've never (knock wood still have a 16 year old) had to deal with this. Makes you realize that as distasteful as it is putting your sweet innocent daughter on birth control, facing something like this is much much worse.

 

I know- I was so wrapped up in dealing with her that I didn't really consider him until yesterday- it had only been a day and a half. And then I started to feel really sad for him. He has had so much loss and this is heartbreaking for him. I get that. He asked his mom if he could call me and just tell me he was sorry :crying:

I am meeting with her tonight and wondering if there is a way to make it easier for this boy. I don't know if this was his intention or just a stupid mistake. My initial thought is what kind of boy doesn't use a condom??? That's just so basic. He walked to the store to get her pregnancy test- if he can do that he can walk to the store to get condoms. But then again it happened and although she claims there was a lot of pressure from him, it was not forced so she is partly responsible for that poor choice.

This is my daughter's first real boyfriend. I honestly was considering having a birth control talk with her soon, but they had only been together a little over a month when this happened. That seems crazy to me! They don't go to school together so they don't see each other everyday. Neither can drive yet so they aren't going anywhere. Anytime they've gone somewhere it has been in a group. If they were at our house or his there was ALWAYS an adult present. I just did not think it was a possibility given all of those circumstances. Not yet. They were never home alone or out alone.

I haven't dicussed this with her yet, but I know she needs to be tested for STD's too. This boy was molested multiple times as a young teenager. I am positive this was not his first rodeo too. That is scary. We definitely will be having a talk when this is all said and done about future sexual partners and experiences- how you must plan ahead and consider and ask about things like STD tests, etc. But I want to get her through this initial crisis first. We did send our oldest child, a son, off to college with condoms. I know he wasn't sexually active when he left, but he has had 2 serious girlfriends since he has been to college and I'm pretty certain he is no. We are fully aware it can and does happen- Just wasn't quite there yet unfortunately.

 

The boy didn't even get a chance to react, daughter just cut him off. That will leave a mark on both their lives.

 

Yes, I realized yesterday that maybe that wasn't the kindest thing to do...I feel like he is going to need some closure. I feel really badly about that. My daughter pushed him away and I went all mama bear and asked that foster mom help us by giving her some space for now. My child has a HUGE support system, a great family, lots of friends, great grades, etc. I feel like she will be ok. But am now feeling badly that this kid has not much and the most important person in his life left him very suddenly. I'm hoping we can find a way to help him without compromising her.

 

We all have moral free will and choice.

Abortion or keep the child.

Being 17 and pregnant is got to be scary and I feel for you. Wow.

My wife was on birth control day one we got married and waited 6 months before going all the way to be sure. Before that we only had oral sex.

We've only had one close call that made us freak out. Her period was late, no blood but cramps......So I got an early pregnancy kit and she did two tests. One when she got home and one first thing in the morning. Both results were negative.

We figured since she is 37, could be early menopause, stress, her body is used to the same birth control and it minimizes her flows to almost nothing at times. So we learned all that and its normal even though we thought we were pregnant.

If she chooses an abortion, there are consequences. If she keeps the child, there are consequences.

It's up to her really. All you can do is support her through this tough time.

If she has the abortion, there will be emotional scars.......and regrets.

If she keeps the child, she will grow up fast. They both get married, he works, she works, and start their lives together. When their child is 19 and out of the house, she'll only be 36? That's very young still.

Maybe getting pregnant is a blessing in disguise?

 

Good evening
I think a fair number of kids engage in unsafe sex, some get pregnant. Its very unfortunate, but understandable.

Unless she has moral / religious objections, I think an abortion will be the best solution for her and for the boy. Having a child when you are young can make life extremely difficult in ways in which she might never recover. Also it is a terrible thing to be an unwanted child - even if you parents do their best to love you.

I know abortion is fraught with moral / religious issues, and reasonable people will strongly disagree.

In the end I believe it is her body and her choice. As parents the best you can do is to support her decision.

BTW - double check the laws in your area. If she is 17 and he is 18 be sure that isn't statutory rape. Unless there was some coercion, the boy shouldn't suffer for their mutual mistake.

 

There are no options that won't come with consequences at this point.

She has to decide which of those consequences make the most logical sense for where she is in life. I worked in a girl's group home for years and there isn't any easy decision at this point. Her choice needs to be dependent on her own internal sense of direction...not someone else's and you need to explain to her that she's going to be dealing with that decision for the rest of her life...its not going to be simple and over.

My advice is to give her all the information you can. Tell her whatever decision she makes, you'll support her and if she is leaning towards making the decision to have the child...she needs the facts about what that means...to her personal life, to her financial life...and she needs immediate parenting classes. Young people often just aren't fully prepared mentally for the patience and sacrifices it takes to raise a child.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Whatever your daughter does is the right choice for her as long as she's making an informed choice.

If its any help, I married far too early and had my oldest daughter 4 months before my 20th birthday. I had to delay finishing my 3rd year of university for a semester which was really depressing at the time but was determined to go right back to school and did. I worked, went to school and raised my child. There are great resources out there for mom's attending school and working and I utilized those and my family helped where they could. I finished school, then went to graduate school and started a great career. My daughter today is in graduate school herself and is a wonderful, clever, strong young woman who I'm very, very proud of. It was very tough at the beginning but the challenge also helped to make me into the person I am today.

 

My child has a HUGE support system, a great family, lots of friends, great grades, etc. I feel like she will be ok.

I think you're right. This is the number one indicator that she'll be ok. One thing you may want to ensure is that family members work hard not to shame her or make her feel guilty for her sexual choices. She'll be dealing with enough personal guilt on her own.

But am now feeling badly that this kid has not much and the most important person in his life left him very suddenly. I'm hoping we can find a way to help him without compromising her.

This is very kind. The only thing I should caution you on is that my husband and I have one kid who always seems to pick up "strays." He married one of them and got divorced a year later, she was just too damaged and was very conflict-driven. It was a really big learning experience for him. Its very noble to want to save someone but it doesn't work if they aren't prepared to do the work to save themselves.

If he purposely got your daughter pregnant, I'd be concerned that he's got issues that are deeper than you can help him with.

 

Let's not turn this into a debate on abortion. It is not our decision.

 

Agreed^. The only one that will have to live with the consequences of the decision is her and her family.

@OP - support your daughter, whatever her decision.

I will say that the world is not a kind place for young, single mothers. Some have raised children young, without support and made it, but no bones about how absolutely difficult it will be for her, even with your support.

Personally (again, not my decision), I think there are plenty of children being born into this world without adequate support and resources. Your daughter need not feel guilty about not bringing another one into the world at this time. If she were my daughter, I would be counselling her to learn from this experience and work VERY hard to improve her situation in life (college, good job) so that when she does DECIDE to have children, she can give them the best life experience she can.

Remember:
Quality of life >>> Quantity.

FWIW.

Good luck to your family,
- Sapi

 

I also feel bad for the boy, this without knowing anything about him other than what has been written here.

I cannot offer much advice about abortion, not because I don't have views on it but because I am a bit afraid that my views will be regarded as "weird". Sorry, English is not my first language.

I can however maybe help you with some input about the boy. It seems like he never had the good influence of a father or a male role model. By that I mean what a father is really supposed be like. I understand that the principal means well but trying to raise a male teenager to be a man and behave as one will be difficult at best as a woman and close to impossible at most times. Given this boy's circumstances with being in foster care I don't give the principal much of a chance. It is at least good to read that he can be polite and has someone that cares for him. I am not trying to be sexist or anything, I am sure there are single mothers raising young men who will be very good fathers.

I will give you a short story from my life to explain why I wrote the above. My BIL came from an abusive home. When his father wasn't happy for any reason he and his brothers got a punch in the face. When they were old enough to punch back, they did. That was their view of what a father was like and behaved. My BIL met my sister at a teenage age. My father being what he was, fair, loving, decisive, had boundaries of what to tolerate etc was not what my BIL was used to. When my father forbid my sister to do something he expected to be obeyed. This did not agree with my BIL and he tried to handle my father the about the same way he handled his. No punches thrown but my father let my BIL know it was his rules.

My BIL has told me that if is wasn't for my father he would never have known how to behave as a man and as a father. As time went on they got along better and better. My BIL never shed a tear when his father died, but cried his eyes out when mine did. The point is that people can change, when faced with challenges and when circumstance change. The boy in your and your daughter's life can change too, but that will take more work.

You sound like a good person and mother, I am sure that whatever decision you do it will be right. Again, I am sorry if anything I wrote comes out sounding strange, English is not my first language.

 

If your 17-year-old daughter wants an abortion, she gets one. Where I live, a 17 year old wouldn't even need parental permission. I admire that you have the empathy to think of the boy. However, he's not going to be there to support your daughter through the pregnancy and infancy. Hopefully your husband treated you like royalty when you were pregnant. Who would be there to do that for your daughter?

Then there's the matter that your daughter will be right in the middle of school. I imagine your daughter would give birth some time in late July or August. She wouldn't have very long to recover.

She should think long and hard so she is calm and sure of her decision once she is at the clinic. She should also find out exactly when in the procedure is the point of no return, and ask about sedation. Even when she's at the clinic, she can still walk away...until she can't.

Nature can be so cruel. Fertility peaks at a point when most modern Westerners definitely should not be having kids.

 

I helped my younger sister through an abortion when she was 16. Twice. And I've been there for friends abortions, too.

If you are still at the appointment setting stage, I highly recommend you opt to have your DD put into twilight sleep, which is somewhere between conscious and out. The procedure is somewhat painful...discomfort my foot!...and really gross to see and hear. I don't want to be too graphic, so trust me. The women I've been there for seemed to handle it better when they weren't fully aware of the actual dilation and removal.

Post procedure you'll want a large stash of pads because she will be bleeding for up to two weeks and cannot use tampons. You'll also want foods like soups and jello for your DD to eat for a day or two as her tummy might be really upset. Also, if the clinic doesn't prescribe anything, get her some otc pain meds like Motrin or Aleve. She'll be sore and she'll cramp.

If it helps, my mother had an abortion before me and then had 4 kids. My sister had two abortions and is now the mother of 6. My mom was haunted by her choice until the day she died. My sister has been just fine .

Be VERY careful who knows. With social media, news spreads FAST. Theoretically, everyone could know within a day. There is also a chance the bf could blab and add the "she's the evil wh0re who killed my child" spin on it. Might want to be prepared for the worst just in case. Teenagers can be so brutal.
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