What exactly is your question?

Do you have concerns about the trajectory of your marriage?

 

Wow. You definitely love your wife to let her explore her sexuality like this. While I'm not in your situation, if I was. I don't believe I would be comfortable with it evolving beyond where it is now. Only threesoms, with you present at all times. No emotional ties at all. And I would also require that your sex life apart from the threesomes improve significantly. And don't let her think she is doing you a favor by letting you be with another woman. This was what she wanted, not you (stick to that story).

What ever you do. Tread lightly. There are a lot of ways this can go wrong and destroy your marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

That's my biggest problem at this point. After it happened, she has suggested I should be grateful (which I am). However, I wasn't the reason it happened.

Deejo, what do you mean?

In fact, up until the threesome I bragged I had never even looked at another women, been to a bar or strip club, and have been as loyal as I think a man can be. Now I really don't have that.

Has anyone else went through this type of thing? Should I stop the threesomes or continue on and just enjoy the experiences?

I'd also like to know if anyone else is dealing with finding out your spouses' sexuality isn't what you thought it was prior to marrying them and how it was dealt with. Sorry if my thread wasn't clear?

 

Coldie, I think you've handled the situation extraordinarily well, and have considered the real limits and boundaries that you can accept. Unless problems arise from the accomodations you've made for your wife, I think it would be fine to continue as you both seem okay with it so far. To end it without good reasons could create another set of problems now that she's opened up about her sexuality.

 

I think your being taken advantage of honestly. She's uncomfortable seeing you orgasm but she has no problem having one with you there so you tell me where the justification is.

Second. She lied to you for 15 years. She should have told you before you got married. How do you think she would handle it if you told her after 15 years that you were Bi?

What I don't understand is where she has the right to have sex with another woman just because she has the urge.

When I was married and saw a good looking woman and thought about how it would be to have sex with her because I had the urge didn't give me the right to act on it. It's called self control and respect for my wife. Honestly I think your wife is selfish and IMO, if she wants to have threesomes then she should allow you to also be able to have an orgasm. If not then tell her that this stops now and it won't be open for any more discussion.

It just blows my mind that there are people who think they have the right to feel their entitled because the have urges. IMO. your opening up a can of worms and are heading for trouble.

 

Second. She lied to you for 15 years. She should have told you before you got married. How do you think she would handle it if you told her after 15 years that you were Bi?

What I don't understand is where she has the right to have sex with another woman just because she has the urge.

When I was married and saw a good looking woman and thought about how it would be to have sex with her because I had the urge didn't give me the right to act on it. It's called self control and respect for my wife.

These are very good points and I agree with them.

I do not think she lied for 15 years though, as a recent death in our family made us both realise life is short. With that idea, we both asked each other what we would or wouldn't regret in our lives. For instance, the amount of times we are intimate, or working overtime and not spending time at home because we want a larger savings account. Which one is more important to us?

Since she had never been with a woman, I wouldn't consider her telling me she feels bisexual 15 years into our marriage (she actually first told me maybe 13 years into our marriage but I didn't take it serious) is a lie. She said she always thought women were attractive but that was it. My daughter felt the same way and she told my daughter she also has those thoughts. From there, I took her serious and we talked about what she was feeling.

The last point you made is my biggest concern. I agree completely. I don't just have sex with random women because I have an urge and feel women are beautiful. Why should my wife? Just because she is a female? I guess after talking and her asking if it would be offensive to me (which is isn't, as long as I am not in the dark and she is off being intimate without me there). It would be offensive if she was alone though. Or maybe I am greedy and just want to be there? So I share my wife with other women just to also enjoy myself? I don't have the answer to that question. I do agree with you though. I guess I wonder if its cheating or wrong when I don't disagree with it? I also wonder if she will regret "sharing" me when maybe the bisexual urges aren't as strong.

That's why I am here.

 

"That's my biggest problem at this point. After it happened, she has suggested I should be grateful (which I am). However, I wasn't the reason it happened."

Seriously?

 

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6301, she also doesn't orgasm. She has fake orgasms, which we call "mental" orgasms. If she is happy and excited and wants to let the other person know she is enjoying herself, she lets them think she orgasmed. She also does this with me at times during sex, when she can't get off but it feels good to her or she is in that mood. She let's me know what type of orgasm it was afterwards, as to not leave me in the dark. It's hard for her to really achieve an orgasm through penetration, although she has a few times. She also has small less intense ones through penetration, but not like her orgasms with oral sex or a toy (on her clit, not inside her).

During the first threesome I kissed her and she whispered she was going to "cum for her." I could tell she meant "mentally."

Usually, oral sex wise, I would be down on her for 30 minutes or longer before she has an orgasm. With a toy, much faster. The room has to be quiet, lights dim, no distractions. With a threesome, that environment isn't possible because the other girl isn't just going to lay there for 30 minutes eating her out (at least not in our experience).


What she enjoys is giving oral to women and kissing them. She loves to make them orgasm, even if they are also "mentally" having their own orgasms. That's what attracts her to women. I know that may sound unusual, but she also enjoys giving me oral sex and her biggest fantasy was to give me oral sex with another woman. I don't think a woman can be a "cuckold", especialy since she is extremely jealous but we are all wired different and a bit unique. This is what she enjoys.

If you read this comment, does any of this new information change your opinion at all? Thanks.

 

Sounds a little more fair now. But still no way of knowing for sure that she is faking an orgasm or not.

I'm going to send you a PM with a link that might help you.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

You have jumped right into the proverbial deep end with your opening post.

It's provocative, and doesn't tell us anything about the state of your relationship or marriage outside of the context of bringing other women into the bedroom.

So? How is/was the state of your relationship before deciding to bring a third (wo)man in?

Do you have concerns that you have just greenlit the end of your marriage?

Why on Earth would you let her completely set the ground rules?

She thinks you should be grateful? Really? She isn't grateful that you gave your blessing to this undertaking?

Do you wonder what she would have done if you had said 'No.'? Wonder what she'll do if you try to put a stop to it now?

You asked about others with experience, I can tell you outright, the question you DID ask, is NOT what respondents are going to be focusing on.

Suggest you PM Faithful Wife, she is happily married and an open bisexual.

 

You have jumped right into the proverbial deep end with your opening post.

It's provocative, and doesn't tell us anything about the state of your relationship or marriage outside of the context of bringing other women into the bedroom.

So? How is/was the state of your relationship before deciding to bring a third (wo)man in?

For the first few years of our marriage we were best friends and newlyweds. It was great. For the next decade I became less attentive and sex became emotionless and robotic. Although we had sex probably every other day, afterwards I felt totally guilty. Guilty enough that the next day I wouldn't ask. It was her "day off." And in her case, when I did ask, she never said no. Although during sex she would moan, immediately afterwards, she would wash off, not talk, and mentally make me feel guilty. Maybe it was my own insecurities that made me feel this way because I knew I didn't deserve to have sex with her after ignoring her all day. I don't know. I just know we lived as "best friends" who were really just roommates that had sex.

Then there was a death in the family and a health issue with myself. After talking, we both realised that we would rather spend time with other friends than each other and my lack of attention for her made her resent me after sex. This really hurt me. So a little more than 2 years ago I decided to drop a few hobbies and be more attentive. In return she became more sexual. This made me feel less guilty so I wanted to spend more time with her. This is all she ever wanted.

And then came the talk with my daughter.

Do you have concerns that you have just greenlit the end of your marriage?

I do have concerns that I have given her reason to resent me later. Even now, what's done is done. It will be hard to explain to my family that having threesomes was something I did because of her.

If this was all a test of my loyalty, I failed horribly. I'm still failing. However, theses concerns do not erase both of us enjoying the experiences we are having. Every friend I have talked with off of this board has said "You are lucky but just know this usually won't end well." So yes, I am worried about the marriage not ending well. And so far, I haven't seen signs of that, but it's what everyone tells me.

Why on Earth would you let her completely set the ground rules?

Well, I set the ground rule of I didn't want her out on her own experiencing women. I immediately told her that I would be totally hurt if she had intimate time, even if it's a woman, while I am at home with the kids. She had her ground rules of watching or what she'd be okay with as far as my participation. Because she was the one bringing in someone of the same sex, I didn't want her experience to be uncomfortable or totally on my terms. It was a 50/50 thing, but I had my own "hidden" motives. As loyal as I was, I felt like it was lifting this huge weight off my shoulders. I wouldn't even look at another woman, even when my wife wasn't around. I forced myself to be loyal, not because of her, but because of my moral compass. The idea of her being happy with me, not because she sexually has had me to herself, but because mentally she has me all to herself, turned me on. I think being in love with me because she loves me, not because she is the only girl that has touched me in 15 years, almost liberated me. Dumb right? Either way, I wasn't against the threesome, I just felt it was wrong on the inside. Like, am I knowing making the worst decision of my marriage?

She thinks you should be grateful? Really? She isn't grateful that you gave your blessing to this undertaking?

Our only arguement so far has been about this. I guess because I am stubborn and do not want to feel like I 'owe" her anything. Maybe my fear of being told that eventually she will want to bring a man into the bedroom, or just the fear of her feeling resentment. I wanted to pretend it was just her, but it wasn't. So we argued. Yes, she feels I should be just as grateful as she is. She may be right?

Do you wonder what she would have done if you had said 'No.'? Wonder what she'll do if you try to put a stop to it no?

If I wouldn't have been open, she would have never told me what she felt to begin with. It was something she was embarrassed about. Like our daughter, she had the same mixed feelings, even as an adult. It's funny, how sometimes talks as a kid just confuse you more, and that kid inside you never dies. Well, I didn't make her feel embarrassed or ashamed. However, if I would have said no, which really isn't my personality, then nothing would have happened. I think my wife would have had that regret, and the death in our family kind of showed us life is too short to regret things. Maybe living out one thing to not regret it, creates new regrets? I hope not.

You asked about others with experience, I can tell you outright, the question you DID ask, is NOT what respondents are going to be focusing on.

I thought they would focus on my daughter for some reason, so I tried to nip that. What will the focus be on? The threesome?

Suggest you PM Faithful Wife, she is happily married and an open bisexual.

That would be great if she contributed to the discussion.

Hopefully the proverbial deep end doesn't mean I broke forum rules. Not my intentions.

*I typed this response the first time and for whatever reason my browser errored and I lost it. I then typed it again but quickly. I am sure I made mistakes because I was retyping the same thing twice.

 

I have a question for you:

Since you aren't allowed to cum, and she claims her orgasms with women are fake....and she is telling you you should be grateful, when it was her idea all along....

Tell her you also have a fantasy, that you want to make love to a beautiful woman while she watches. Tell her she's not allowed to get off while watching you do it either...maybe she can touch the chick a bit, but this is your fantasy, it all about you, just like her fantasy was all about her, her idea. Tell her you really just want to make another woman orgasm while she watches, but you'll only be having fake orgasms with the other woman.

Then tell her she should be grateful you let her watch. Try to be as convincing as possible and gauge her reaction.

I think your wife is being rather selfish here, and then pinning it on you like she's doing you a favor. It's common for woman to assume all men want a 3 way with 2 chicks, but not every guy wants to actually do this with his wife...it's more of a fantasy, like straight women who get-off watching lesbian porn.

Bottom line is it doesn't feel fair to you, so you need to discuss it and or stop it altogether. She puts restrictions on what you do but expects you to be cool with whatever she wants? You should have never agreed to this in the first place...coulda just watched lesbian or 3some porn together, you didn't have to actually let her have sex with other women.

Bringing other people into the marriage really complicates things.

 

It absolutely complicates things.

It really feels like outside opinions on the negative implications have affected us more than what we are actually going through though? That's what confuses me. I over analyse everything, including this. So I am looking into my situation trying to dissect and find all the things bad that people warn me about, but so far, that idea has ruined my experience the most.

Maybe we should just stop listening to people?

 

I'm bi-sexual. There is no reason a bi-sexual person cannot be monogamous. If you are having fun with threesomes, then great. But just know that there's no reason that just because she is bi-sexual that this means she "must" sleep with women. She just wants to. I guess if you feel "lucky" that your wife wants to sleep with other people...

 

I agree with this completely, and so does my wife.

I do not think there was ever an issue of she must be with other women just because she feels attracted to them. She expressed her bisexuality and we discussed the possibilities.

Faithful, are threesomes with your husband and another woman just a bad idea in your opinion? And if you could be honest, I'd love to get your input. My wife's biggest concern, which kept her from really opening up was, if she expressed to me she was bi, I would want to have a threesome. Basically, her worse fear came to fruitation. Are you against having a threesome married because you are possessive of your husband and do not want him to experience another woman with you (I understand this feeling)? Or he is possessive of you and is totally against sharing you with "people" ( -- another woman). Or are you panasexual? You do not like a man or woman, you like the person. Panasexual is a bit different, as you fall in love with the person, not the sex.

Please take into consideration, if you were bisexual, yet you never had that experience. This is important and I understand this is a marriage forum, but how would you feel if you realised you were bisexual during your marriage. It's not really an urge to have sex with other "people" but to try something you have never done. Huge difference, especially if you are speaking from experience and you met your husband after you had multiple experiences with women. You knew what it was like, you do not have questions about your sexuality and were happy with your choice. Things change.

 

Deejo said: "Suggest you PM Faithful Wife, she is happily married and an open bisexual."

AND MONOGAMOUS WITH MY HUSBAND.

 

Deejo said: "Suggest you PM Faithful Wife, she is happily married and an open bisexual."

That's why I thought your advice and perspective was warranted. You've never posted anything remotely like this scenario.

 

My wife has told me she's bi-curious. I don't know the extent of it yet. But if she wants to sleep with men or women, I'll just end it. The idea of a threesome has crossed her mind and mine, but I want to "try" to be a good Christian, so I just can't.

 

I feel like my moral compass is so strong, yet I totally failed here. Maybe it's a sex addiction thing.

 

Sometimes I think when people say something like "hey, you know, what if we tried some non-monogamy" what they are really saying is "I'm bored in bed with just you and I'm not sexually mature enough to figure it out for myself, so I figure hey why not add a third (or more) persons". Which then makes the third or more person into nothing more than a prop. How nice for them.

 

The third person is absolutely a prop... in every sense of the word. A sex toy. This thought process actually makes it easy to handle, because it's true. I understand you are feeling compassion for the third person, but that's their choice, you know? As a married couple, we definitely discussed multiple times that the third person is nothing more than a tool for foreplay. But I don't see that as a negative? Maybe its a sociapath thing for us both (trying to make it totally a negative thing -- but I'd disagree).

We've talked about poly as well, where there is no "prop", but I do not think this would be a good topic for this forum (the real proverbial deep end).

I learn something new about myself a lot, I wish I could say each day but that would be a lie. Either way, I am constantly maturing, so I would agree with it being a maturity issue. However, you hit the nail on the head with the third person being a prop.

I think I may discuss with her tonight that we should put a stop to adding a third person again until we discuss what we are feeling. Maybe put a little time behind us to see if our feelings change or we develop resentment?

For the record, I do not consider using "props" as sexual immature. It's quite the contrary. Using toys, props, and anything to spark things in the bedroom, without insecurities, is extremely mature. Immaturity is the opposite. But that's just my humble opinion. I am constantly learning so I feel everyone is maturing in some way, but I just don't agree with using "props" as being immature.

 

Coldie,

I'm pretty blunt but I do try to be polite. You are now in a one sided open relationship. You have given your wife permission to have sex with someone other than you while married. Relationships do not exist in a bubble. Relationships change and evolve. Do you honestly think that your marriage is going to stay just as it is? Do you honestly believe that after you have opened Pandora's box things will not spiral out of your control? I have seen relationships like yours and this never ends well.

 

That's my thinking as well.......

 

coldie...I've never had a threesome or moresome. Being bi-sexual doesn't mean "group sex is my thing, baby". And people can be into group sex without being bi. They are two separate things, IMO.

Then there is the poly lifestyle. I was in that lifestyle for a time, long before meeting my current husband. And yet still, that didn't mean group sex, for me.

I am sorry, I just don't have any relevant experience for you on the threesome stuff. It just isn't something I would want to do.

I do wish that the typical vision of a bi-sexual woman didn't include the idea that she also wants groups sex.

 

Re: Re: Found out my wife is bisexual after 15 years of marriage.

I do wish that the typical vision of a bi-sexual woman didn't include the idea that she also wants groups sex.

Well, coldie can correct me if I'm wrong, but upon reading several of his posts it appears thst the 3some was his idea and not his wife's. This would also explain her position that he should be grateful.

 

Deejo - Yes, I didn't necessarily mean Coldie's view on bi-sexual women....just "in general" people tend to think that bi-sexual people "have to" have a partner of each gender and group sex/threesomes.

 

Coldie....I would argue your wife isn't bi-sexual, she is just bored in bed.

Especially since she apparently considers porn to be "how things are" for different sexual orientations. That couldn't be more insulting to actual bi-sexual people. But have fun with it, I guess.

 

That would be an argument for you and her. She isn't that bored in bed because she isn't here on the sex forums arguing with me, you know? She may be bored but not especially because of her analogy. I also do not consider using porn genres as an example or analogy is the same as "considers porn to be how things are." Her point is valid regardless, a bisexual experience is not a lesbian or hetero experience. This is probably why so many people consider bisexuality a group thing. So your problem is more with the porn industry than me, her, or anyone else on this forum.

You sound very interesting and I commend you for being in a committed relationship with a man, monogamous, that hopefully lasts forever. Your bisexuality, if that was what it was (sounds more like pansexual), is no longer an issue in your life. I don't really want to argue about it.

If your contribution to the discussion is that my wife sounds bored in bed and isn't bisexual at all, I will accept that. She may be. However, that has nothing to do with her distinction between women that claim they are bisexual but want only lesbian experiences, or her analogy to porn genres. That sounds more like bitterness.

 

Not bitter, just proud of my sexual orientation. The way it really is, not the way others "think" it is.

 

Okay, I understand that.

My biggest goal is to keep my marriage successful. That's why I am here. What would you suggest I do to make my wife less bored in bed and stop thinking about using women as props?

I'm curious, how long have you been married? If it is under 15 years, do you think it's possible you could change or open up prior to your 15th year? If you have been married beyond 15 years, some advice on how you have kept your mind off women. I'd pass along to my wife and I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

Thanks.

 

so let me get this straoght.

shes bisexual and held it from you for 15yrs
shes told your 14 yr old daughter this.
now you guys have threesomes with other women.(did she also tell your daughter this?)
during these threesomes she fakes her orgasms(really) and you have to hold yours in.

hmmm, this would not be acceptable to me as her husband. Sorry but I don't see what you get out of this arrangement.

I would bet the house if shes not already having a lesbian affair it will be shortly forthcomming.


get your ducks in a row...........just in case.

 

He gets to recieve oral and penetration from other ladies in his wife's presense, she gets to do the same gender sex acts that she wants to do.

He may not have needed sex acts with another person other than his wife, but once she realize that life is short and this is a part of her she does not want to let fully go of, it's a way for both of them to enjoy it and no sneaking around.

I too, do see the day where her desire for the ladies pushes him out of the picture. That taste, that hunger grows as it is fed. She will fall in love with one of her female lovers, and husband will have same lack of connection as a man who was cuckholded by his wife.

Dangerous dangerous stuff.

 

Been together 10 years, happily and sexually satisfied with the same man. I've had my experiences with women in the past, and if I hadn't, I would probably be wondering about it for the rest of my life and that could be a problem...but we're lucky in that we've both had time before we met to sow our oats (this is a 2nd marriage for us both). My husband has quite the colorful sexual past before meeting me too, and I'm happy for him.

Did your wife have any bi experiences before you met her?

 

Coldie...look, here's my stance.

"I want to have sex with someone else" is what your wife is saying, and it doesn't really matter that "bi-sexuality" is behind that statement.

The "reason" she wants to have sex with someone else is kinda irrelevant...she just does.

Now if you are OK with that because it means you get to have sex with someone else, too...then that's where you're at with it.

Just know that there are many people who use the "bi-curious" line just to be able to screw around. I can't say about your wife one way or the other, but people who say that porn is any depiction of sexual orientation (when it comes to girl on girl stuff) are usually very far off base. If you would read up on some LBGT literature you would see why that is.

Do you or don't you want to have sex with other people? Because that's really all that is going on here. If you do, then figure out how to make it work out for you both.

But please do understand that people are not props, even if you want them to be.

These posts are actually very good. I like the honesty of your first post, where you admit to it possibly being an issue if you hadn't already experienced women.

And the second reply is accurate. Maybe I am compartmentalizing, but I do tell myself that I am not having sex with the other girl, but sometimes I am used as a "prop" so they both enjoy their bisexual experience. Either way, I am glad I got those responses out of you, because for me, they are much more helpful.

 

Coldie...look, here's my stance.

"I want to have sex with someone else" is what your wife is saying, and it doesn't really matter that "bi-sexuality" is behind that statement.

The "reason" she wants to have sex with someone else is kinda irrelevant...she just does.

Now if you are OK with that because it means you get to have sex with someone else, too...then that's where you're at with it.

Just know that there are many people who use the "bi-curious" line just to be able to screw around. I can't say about your wife one way or the other, but people who say that porn is any depiction of sexual orientation (when it comes to girl on girl stuff) are usually very far off base. If you would read up on some LBGT literature you would see why that is.

Do you or don't you want to have sex with other people? Because that's really all that is going on here. If you do, then figure out how to make it work out for you both.

But please do understand that people are not props, even if you want them to be.

 

coldie said: "She has her beliefs on what a bisexual person is, and like you guys can see, all bisexual women don't believe the same things."

The problem with this is that she can only decide what being bi-sexual means for HERSELF, not other people.

 

There is no problem.

She isn't here discussing her beliefs on a message board, I am. She says what she feels privately to me. She feels what she feels. She will also say that if a woman wants to be bisexual or say they are bisexual and only have lesbian experiences, then that woman can do that. She isn't telling women they aren't bisexual and she thinks the world should change. She is saying she is bisexual because she has bisexual experiences, not because she has sex with a man, then sex with a woman.

Like I said, there is no problem.

 

LOL! No, dear coldie....I've never been someone's prop, and neither have I ever used someone as a prop.

 

Unforunately, I have.

 

sounds like your not really ok with her sexuality.and thats ok!

if your not tell her and if she leaves then you know she wanted women over men and I call that homosexuality.

would you ever chose to be in this situation or would you prefer not to.

if its the latter then .......make it a boundrie and be true to yourself.

or compromise you beliefs so she can sow her wild oats and maybe leave because she was confused about her orientation sexually.

if you treat your 14yr old as an adult(I don't know why shes 14 and not an adult) then tell her.

I think your wife has been gay her whole life and supressed it because it was not thought of acceptable when she was growing up but now that its more acceptable and her daughter is asking she felt obligated to suport her so she doesn't make the same mistake she made by marring someone of a sex she isn't really attracted too.

 

All I am saying is that just because she says "other women this or that" doesn't mean she gets to decide what bi-sexual means for anyone but herself.

 

This all started with you saying the following:

I do wish that the typical vision of a bi-sexual woman didn't include the idea that she also wants groups sex.

I simply wrote out that she feels the exact opposite. She wishes bisexual women would not have the typical vision that just because she says she is bisexual doesn't mean she wants to have lesbian relationship/experience. She wanted a bisexual experience. That was her point. That was also my point.

This back and forth really isn't going anywhere, you can either agree to disagree or claim my wife is wrong for doing exactly what you did. Either way, I can't speak for her any longer regarding her beliefs, as I may have mispoke. She isn't on the forums.