Can the numbers be the last four of a credit card number? If so, check your card activity.
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Arrange for a lie detector test, and there is a good chance you will get the truth in the parking lot.

 

If your husband was truly remorseful, he'd be bending over backwards to prove his innocence to you. He could call the hotel (in front of you) and ask for all his invoices for the past 6 months. He could show you all his credit card statements and cell phone bills, identifying his activities.

Did he tell you who this woman is?

C
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If he's so keen on you trusting him after he's busted with the evidence, tell him to offer up the information. Which hotel? When did he go there? When did he reserve the room? How did he pay?

Have you looked at his cell phone? Asked for passwords for his email/fb/instagram/twitter?

Put a VAR in his car.

And I am really sorry this has happened. It really throws people down a huge painful hole. Keep breathing.

 

TryAgain,

It might be possible he is coming clean with that happened. My FIL had "second thoughts" when he attempted a hotel stunt with a co-worker. He said to his wife(my MIL) that he could not get erect. Called it off. Second time he was successful as it were...

At any rate, hopefully your H has been discovered before any PA occurred. Time for H to turn over all electronic devices with passwords. He needs to provide a timeline of how he got to this spot. AND he needs to explain why he got to this spot.

I hope you do not find anymore, however, lying is part of the arsenal of cheaters. There might be more coming. Look for TT(trickle truth).

 

8444 is probably a reservation number.

Was it a hotel in your hometown, or was it someplace he was travelling to?

If it is nearby to you, GO to the hotel, with your hub, and make him ask them for the info you want in your presence, or ask for another copy of the receipt. Assuming there is more (rarely does a WS admit to anything other than what can be proven, at first... classic Trickle truth), you will likely get a deeper confession on the way there.

If it is not in your hometown, have hubs CALL them with you on the other line, and ask for receipt to be sent to him. Same effect.

Either way, be sure you are with him so there are no excuses about what they couldn't provide. I assure you, they can if he used a credit card. I get receipts sent to me for my hotel travel expenses so that I can get reimbursed from work all the time. If he paid cash, there is still a record, so maybe 8444 can help.

Prepare yourself... it is insulting to ask you to believe he "walked away" after going that far without any proof otherwise or detail being offered up.

Addendum: Do not call or go to the hotel yourself, they likely won't tell you without being able to identify yourself as the person who rented the room. Make him do it with you... this will also be very telling in how he acts and approaches it.

 

So far he seems to be bending over backwards to get me to trust him. However, he volunteered to take a polygraph test more than a week ago, but has not done anything about it. He told me I could see his credit cards and phone bills FROM HERE ON IN because he said he he wants to put the past behind us and "work toward a happy Future" instead. I still don't believe he got the hotel for one night. WHY would he keep those cards? Do you think the Days Inn hotel be willing to tell me for how many days the room was rented? Although he tells me that he never had sex with ANY woman, and that was the only hotel room he ever rented, I do not believe him. He could have paid cash for the hotel room, so it wouldn't show on a credit card. I am so sad -- he says he wants to move forward and shows great remorse for hurting me, but I can't trust him without knowing

 

It sounds like he is doing the right thing. Willing to take a poly. Go ahead and schedule it. Tell H time and place when done. Credit card statements will show charges to whom. Bank statements will show large withdrawals of cash. Go through these and identify any.

H cannot move forward and RUG SWEEP. You move forward at your pace. Until then H becomes transparent with everything! Who she is. How they met. Coworker? If so, H needs to find a new job or this A will never stop.

 

Good afternoon TryingAgain
I don't see any point in trying to track down more information. You can never *prove* he had sex and he can't *prove* he didn't but the evidence sure makes it likely. He certainly went to the hotel with the plan of having sex, whether or not he went through with it.

For now, pissed as you are, try to consider rationally:

Why do you think he did this? Is he missing something at home? Does he not have any self control? Is he just selfish and doesn't care about anyone else. If the reasons for cheating don't go away you can assume he will do it again.

If he will cheat again, do you want to stay with him?

If you could be sure he won't cheat again do you want to stay with him?

 

Why from "here on in"? Not the past? Stop letting him put on conditions and limits.

If he's not willing to be open on everything, there's more you don't know and he's hiding. You can't forgive unless you know what you're forgiving.

And again... Did he tell you who the woman was?

C
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:iagree: ^ and this! ^
Who is she? was she a "paid escort", someone he knows, works with? some YOU know?? He needs to come clean if he's to have any chance of you forgiving him, you have to know what it is you're forgiving... so far, that's not seeming to be the case. MAKE him show you past credit card bills (why do you not see these anyway?)... make him explain, in detail, all you want to know.

 

schedule the poly.

 

1) Get STD tested STAT

2) Tell him you either get to see his cc stmts for the last 2 years immediately or he packs his bags and leaves and you get a lawyer

3) Same thing with his phone, his emails, his computer/tablet/laptop, his bank statements, and anything else he has such as facebook. He does this WITHOUT time to delete anything, plus he gives you the passwords

4) He calls the Days Inn on speakerphone with you and gets the details with respect to what you found

5) You schedule a polygraph and do NOT let him back out (this often elicits a parking lot confession)

Cheaters only admit to what they've been caught at.

 

Hope's got your TDL nailed. Take heed.

 

No credit card statement from the past, no more marriage. It's that simple. You cannot forgive what is concealed from you.

Re: condom
Many cheaters don't bother with this detail. Good if he did.

Re: her identity
Tell your husband that you insist on knowing who she is. If she is married, you may conclude that your husband cared not a whit about the other man's marriage. Does the OW
have chidren?
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Re: her identity
Tell your husband that you insist on knowing who she is. If she is married, you may conclude that your husband cared not a whit about the other man's marriage. Does the OW
have chidren?
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If she wasn't married, he probably wouldn't have had to meet her at the Days Inn (assuming she's not an escort). Assuming she's married, her husband deserves to know, but make no mention of any desire to notify her husband, else he'll just be that more vigilant about protecting her identity.

 

verify verify verify

Of course he WANTS you to trust him. But he is not in a position to tell you how that trust will occur, or how long-if ever-it takes for it to come back.
I agree with others, get the bank statements, all credit card statements, and cell phone records.

 

Do you not have acesess to his credit card statement? Do you have access to the card? Call the 800 number and the automated system will give you the past transactions. It will say amount, date, and vendor.
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Husband claims he met the woman online and the first time he saw her was at the hotel. He says he did not remember her name. He claims that when he saw her, he knew things wouldn't work out. Husband is 70 years old, so I told him that maybe he couldn't "get it up," or maybe it was she who just wasn't attracted to him. I am 60, but look much younger, slim, nice body. He is retired and I still work, so he has the time and opportunity, however, he also said he did this because I was not showing interest in him anymore. I admit that he can be childish and self-centered, and I would resent his behavior. Without going into boring details, he did come clean that he paid for several "hand jobs" and met 5 different women for coffee or drinks, but none went any further. He is not a good looking man but I always tried to make him feel like he was throughout our marriage. We have had long talks throughout this past week and he continues to say he is sorry he hurt me and he knows trust takes a long time to rebuild. He wants to try to work things out between us. He told me that none of the women he met were as attractive as I was (BS-ing me?) He seems very ashamed, but I still think I'll buy a var (saw that mentioned here, not sure what it is.) He insists that there never was an emotional affair. He said I could see his emails, credit cards, phone, etc. I told him that he just wants to spare hurting me by letting me see past emails. He seems scared that I'll leave him. We each have our own computers so I can't monitor his easily. I'm hearing everything you all are saying, thank you for your input and ideas. What is a VAR and how does it work -- where to purchase? Very depressed.

 

His computer / e-mail accounts / credit cards / bank statements though should all be wide open to you - past, future and present. And you need to look at them until you are comfortable that you know the entire story.

I know it really hurts right now - but one of the worst things about these situations is when you just continually stumble upon little things and realize there is more to the story (trickle truth).

VAR = Voice Activated Recorder. Please be aware that recording someone without their consent can be illegal, so what you find out might have to just stay with you.

 

A VAR is a voice activated recorder and has helped lots of spouses.

Please, please, please, try to remember you did not cause this.
This is not your fault.
You are not responsible for his actions.
You did not drive him to do this.
This is on him, all of it, every ugly little bit.
This is not your fault.

 

Did you post this under a different name recently? It sounds very familiar.

 

Yes, I think this poster is the one with the husband that came home with the red nose.

 

Was it in Arlington, TX? 8444 is the last 4 digits of the phone number for the Day's Inn there. The clerk may have written the number there because it's the extension for the hotel switchboard when called on the internal phone system. He may have said when he was checking in that he needed to contact them for some reason so the clerk wrote it there. It was hand written, right? same pen/handwriting as the room number? I assume it wasn't some number your husband scrawled there using the key card holder as scrap paper?

Likewise, it might be the code for wireless access. Or could be an internal hotel charge number to be used for charging instead of giving the room number - to reduce chance of people charging things to other rooms. I think i remember at least some hotels doing it this way.

Having the key card doesn't mean that he still had the room. Hotels often don't ask for the keys when you check out or you have automatic check out so I sometimes find that I leave the hotel with them by accident.

Anyway, that doesn't matter. As others have said, you need him to agree to provide the evidence to you - financial records, etc. If he's been covering tracks by using cash, check the bank statements for large cash withdrawals that can't be explained. If he's been with prostitutes or with affair partners/mistress, etc. all of this requires a lot of money so the trail is there somewhere. Any prostitute coming out to a hotel will charge at least hundreds of dollars. If it's a girlfriend/mistress, they will likely do more than have sex - there will be lunches, dinners, drinks, gifts, etc.

 

From the other thread:

hank you everyone for your posts in response to my question about my husband's red nose. In the interim, My WS and I have had long talks and he admitted to getting the room but he told me he walked out after 10 minutes because he didn't want to go through with it. He wants to reconcile, does not want to get a divorce, and after 5 days of non-stop discussion of our relationship, he says that he will do everything he can to earn my trust. He is 72 years old and not exactly a stud-muffin. I am more than 10 years younger than him and I'm in very good shape, slim, fit and attractive He insists that he is sorry to have hurt me, said he was wrong and immature to do that and told me I did not deserve his behavior. He knows I don't believe his story ... but he insists that he wants me to be happy and wants our marriage to work. The way I found out about the hotel room was from searching through his car for evidence and I found the the hotel room key-cards that unlock the door for a room at a Days Inn. Why he would keep those I don't know. I asked him why he kept them. Believe me, I ripped him to shreds over this fir five straight days and he seems genuinely contrite, remorseful and asked me to forgive him. I may still contact the hotel to find out whether he rented to room for several days. Maybe the desk clerk will tell me ... otherwise, why would he keep the key cards? I want to believe that he is remorseful but I am ready to leave if I feel he can't be trusted.

 

From the other thread:

hank you everyone for your posts in response to my question about my husband's red nose. In the interim, My WS and I have had long talks and he admitted to getting the room but he told me he walked out after 10 minutes because he didn't want to go through with it. He wants to reconcile, does not want to get a divorce, and after 5 days of non-stop discussion of our relationship, he says that he will do everything he can to earn my trust. He is 72 years old and not exactly a stud-muffin. I am more than 10 years younger than him and I'm in very good shape, slim, fit and attractive He insists that he is sorry to have hurt me, said he was wrong and immature to do that and told me I did not deserve his behavior. He knows I don't believe his story ... but he insists that he wants me to be happy and wants our marriage to work. The way I found out about the hotel room was from searching through his car for evidence and I found the the hotel room key-cards that unlock the door for a room at a Days Inn. Why he would keep those I don't know. I asked him why he kept them. Believe me, I ripped him to shreds over this fir five straight days and he seems genuinely contrite, remorseful and asked me to forgive him. I may still contact the hotel to find out whether he rented to room for several days. Maybe the desk clerk will tell me ... otherwise, why would he keep the key cards? I want to believe that he is remorseful but I am ready to leave if I feel he can't be trusted./QUOTE]

What username is this under?

 

it seems we get the exact same lame excuse on here every two or three weeks: "I DID meet a woman at the hotel with a condom in my pocket, but I left after only 10 minutes after I had a vision from God..."

can't cheaters be more creative? Like "The CIA recruited me for a spy mission, and the condom is to hold microchips smuggled out of china.....I was only going to meet the agent, a female one....it was my duty to the country!"

 

I'm wondering how often it really happens that a married guy can't get it up in these situations.

I was on a girl's weekend a few weeks ago and we all were hanging out at the resort bar. My single friend strikes up a conversation with a man at the bar and after a while they end up going back to his room. He was about 10+ years younger than her, (she's 50). She tells us later that nothing happened because he couldn't get erect and then she finds out he's married and his wife and kids are going to join him the next day, (he was there for a conference). I don't know if the reason he couldn't get it up is because he's married or the family was going to be there later but it's kind of gross.

 

KatStar

 

So, OP, can you tell us why you posted under one username then came and posted under another? Did you not like the advice you were given or did you forget your login or what?

 

You know, whether they can get it up or follow through or whatever really doesn't matter. Their intentions are what counts. My husband went to a hotel to meet up with a woman and go to her room with her. She never showed - he was being scammed actually, which I do know for a fact - so he never got his piece of tail, but I couldn't care less. The fact is, he was at a hotel to screw another woman. I kicked him out anyway.

 

I totally agree with you.

 

Just checking I have this straight: He cops to having met 5 women 'just for coffee or drinks’ + 'several' other women whom he paid for handjobs + this woman for sex, but walked out... and you, who posts here under 2 different names and was worried about a red nose, believe him. OK.

I'll just watch then.

 

and you, who posts here under 2 different names and was worried about a red nose, believe him. OK.

I think I know her husband

 

Good evening all
Why all the suggestions for VARs, and other forms of spying? He either cheated or was close enough to it that it makes no difference. One can assume he very likely did it more than once.

What else is there to look for?