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Female coworker wants to befriend my husband

7.6K views 175 replies 23 participants last post by  SunCMars  
#1 ·
I trust my husband, but there is a female coworker (also married) who insists they be friends outside of work, too. They got to know each other because of an interview story about the people who work at their organization. When she was done, she said that he should write a book. She was formerly a journalist for a local newspaper. When she first said that I thought that was kind of cool. I learned that they were spending time at work taking notes for the book. Then it was time for an interview with my husband's father and I just broke. I said the book would be too intrusive, and my husband told her the next day that I was not comfortable, and the book was off. I already started making notes long before this. Anyway, I think she has a crush on him, and honestly, who wouldn't?

She asked him to go for dinner at their house, and he declined (I wasn't aware at the time, but I was told recently). She asked him again, and he told her to set it up with me. She hasn't yet, and today she asked him again, and he reiterated to set it up with me. I think somewhere for her, there is no couple's friendship, and she just wants him to say yes, we will go, so it will satisfy something for her. She will tolerate me for extra time with him. There is so much more than this, but I wanted to know if anyone had thoughts about why she asked him again instead of contacting me.
 
#2 ·
Well obviously she could be contacting him for exactly the reason you suspect. However if I worked with someone and wanted to invite that couple to dinner I’d ask the one I worked with cause I know them. As long as you are invited I am not automatically suspicious due to that.

However, I have no problem with you not wanting this ‘book’ or them to cool it with the after or out of work communications. Whether you trust your husband or not this is how married people catch feelings for others and how the “we didn’t plan it, it just happened” affairs start.
 
#4 ·
Thank you for your reply. My husband has emphasized asking me to make the plans as I know our schedule better than he does. But I find that it might be she is disrespecting me, or she just wants the invitation to be accepted by my husband. I can't type all of the things that make me think she has a crush. Should it matter if she does? Will she just get over it eventually?
 
#5 ·
You stated in your OP, that this female coworker 'insists' they be friends outside of work. Then...this led to writing a book. It sounds like her offer to help write a book with him, is the excuse to be 'friends' outside of work.

How do you know that she insisted on wanting to be friends with him outside of work?
 
#38 ·
It is in reverse; the book idea came after an interview that all of the employees partake in. After she completed his, she said, "you should write a book" then came all of the meetings and notetakings. TO be friends outside of work, she asked him multiple times for us to go to their house for dinner and he kept telling her to set it up with me, yet she asked him several times after where he repeated the same.
 
#6 ·
Invites to their house for dinner, out to other events she enjoys...When she went on vacation she said to him, I'll send you photos to which he replied, "why?" she said, "because we're friends." My husband is on the spectrum and is very honest and to the point...also, why he wouldn't recognize if she had a crush on him. She likes to pick his brain on ways she can help her husband whom she suspects may be undiagnosed. So they have talks about how to help.
 
#12 · (Edited)
She likes to pick his brain on ways she can help her husband whom she SUSPECTS may be undiagnosed. So they have talks about how to help.
Is this correct - she is asking YOUR husband to 'help' psychologically diagnose HER husband as to how far on the autism spectrum he MIGHT be? Which means she's sharing a lots and lots of personal information whose accuracy is questionable, perhaps slanted and your hubby is not exactly Sigmund Freud, able to discern fact from fiction. She should be respecting her husband's privacy and not gossiping with co-workers about his ALLEGED mental issues as they 'both search for clarity'. My take is this is an attempt to create common ground, emotional closeness and find something to bond them together. How many of these clinical psychiatric round tables have they had?
 
#7 ·
can you report this to HR at your husband’s work? Can you call her and just straight up tell HER how it’s gonna be?
Let her know you’re on to her BS, that there will be no after hours friendship or home visits, and in case it continues you will take further action.?

what she’s doing would be totally unacceptable to me. I would also give your husband the book “Not just friends”. By Shirley glass? He might enjoy the read and better understand why your knuckles happened to fall on Ms Friendzy’s chin. Sounds like he’s done well explaining things to her. She’s going overboard.
 
#10 ·
I wouldnt contact her, she is hardly going to admit to anything even if its true. Its possible that she wants both couples to get to know each other partly due to her suspician about her husband also being autistic. As long as she always asks both of you and its both of them I cant see any issues. Many couples are friends with other couples.
He gave the right answer by saying she should contact you.
 
#9 ·
I trust my husband, but there is a female coworker (also married) who insists they be friends outside of work, too. They got to know each other because of an interview story about the people who work at their organization. When she was done, she said that he should write a book. She was formerly a journalist for a local newspaper. When she first said that I thought that was kind of cool. I learned that they were spending time at work taking notes for the book. Then it was time for an interview with my husband's father and I just broke. I said the book would be too intrusive, and my husband told her the next day that I was not comfortable, and the book was off. I already started making notes long before this. Anyway, I think she has a crush on him, and honestly, who wouldn't?

She asked him to go for dinner at their house, and he declined (I wasn't aware at the time, but I was told recently). She asked him again, and he told her to set it up with me. She hasn't yet, and today she asked him again, and he reiterated to set it up with me. I think somewhere for her, there is no couple's friendship, and she just wants him to say yes, we will go, so it will satisfy something for her. She will tolerate me for extra time with him. There is so much more than this, but I wanted to know if anyone had thoughts about why she asked him again instead of contacting me.
Invites to their house for dinner, out to other events she enjoys...When she went on vacation she said to him, I'll send you photos to which he replied, "why?" she said, "because we're friends." My husband is on the spectrum and is very honest and to the point...also, why he wouldn't recognize if she had a crush on him. She likes to pick his brain on ways she can help her husband whom she suspects may be undiagnosed. So they have talks about how to help.
She could have innocent intentions, but it sounds like fishing to me. Good news is it sounds like your husband's response has been great. She should not be HIS friend. They, as in her and her husband, can be your, as in you and your husband, friends if you so choose. The couples are friends, not the individuals of the opposite sex. That is mine and my wife's stance on this type of thing.

All that said, if you have a bad feeling about this woman, trust you gut. You can make an attempt at a couple to couple friendship. That may even give you some more insight about her. But in the end if you don't feel she is a friend of your marriage and supportive of your marriage then ask your husband to have her keep it strictly courteous professional interactions only.
 
#13 · (Edited)
Invites to their house for dinner, out to other events she enjoys...When she went on vacation she said to him, I'll send you photos to which he replied, "why?" she said, "because we're friends." My husband is on the spectrum and is very honest and to the point...also, why he wouldn't recognize if she had a crush on him. She likes to pick his brain on ways she can help her husband whom she suspects may be undiagnosed. So they have talks about how to help.
Initially this didn’t concern me, if I was going to invite a colleague and their spouse to dinner I too would ask the one I work with. HOWEVER, if said colleague said to go through their spouse that’s what I’d do.

Are you invited to these dinners or just your husband?

can you report this to HR at your husband’s work? Can you call her and just straight up tell HER how it’s gonna be?
Let her know you’re on to her BS, that there will be no after hours friendship or home visits, and in case it continues you will take further action.?
Omg no no no. OP don’t do this.

I get where you’re coming from @Evinrude58 but that would not be a good idea at all.

OP - your husband has his head on straight, I really feel you don’t have anything to fear from his side. My husband is in the spectrum too, as is my daughter. One very common theme among Aspies is their absolute sense of right and wrong.

Your hubby sounds a sweetie, and I believe he will respect your wishes. Simply say to him “I’m very uncomfortable with you communicating with this woman about anything other than work, could you please not do that” and I bet he’ll say “sure” x

I would also add to say to him that you don’t want him to tell her about that conversation - sometimes they can be too honest 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

*edited for grammar
 
#15 · (Edited)
Initially this didn’t concern me, if I was going to invite a colleague and their spouse to dinner I too would ask the one I work with. HOWEVER, if said colleague said to go through their spouse that’s what I’d do.

Are you invited to these dinners or just your husband?



Omg no no no. OP don’t do this.

I get where you’re coming from @Evinrude58 but that would not be a good idea at all.

OP - your husband has his head on straight, I really feel you don’t have anything to fear from his side. My husband is in the spectrum too, as is my daughter. One very common theme among Aspies is their absolute sense of right and wrong.

Your hubby sounds a sweetie, and I believe he will respect your wishes. Simply say to him “I’m very uncomfortable with him communicating with this woman about anything other than work, could he please not do that” and I bet he’ll say “sure” x

I would also add to say to him that you don’t want him to tell her about that conversation - sometimes they can be too honest 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣
Yes, he is a sweetie. He has been taking extra steps to make me feel better. Like when they have to meet, he will text me while he is in the meeting to let me know I am at the forefront of his mind. We have worked so hard to get the wonderful marriage we have, and lots of people probably admire us and want to have what we have...hence why I think she is trying to include me so she can be near him outside of work. I wonder if she won't call to make the dinner plans because she is afraid that once I see her with him, I will figure it out. She does appear to be asking both of us each time. I will see how that pans out.
 
#25 ·
Yes, he is a sweetie. He has been taking extra steps to make me feel better. Like when they have to meet, he will text me while he is in the meeting to let me know I am at the forefront of his mind. We have worked so hard to get the wonderful marriage we have, and lots of people probably admire us and want to have what we have...hence why I think she is trying to include me so she can be near him outside of work. I wonder if she won't call to make the dinner plans because she is afraid that once I see her with him, I will figure it out. She does appear to be asking both of us each time. I will see how that pans out.
Aw bless him, what a sweetie. He's got you, you don't have anything to worry about.

He sounds a lot like my husband, he had lunch a few years ago with his former boss, a woman. He told me she'd asked him and was I ok with it, which honestly, I was - and would have told him if I wasn't. I know her too, she's lovely and not interested in him romantically at all. He told me about it again when he got home from work that night, and said that even though I knew about it, it still felt "wrong" to him to be there, bless. I thought it was cute.

Thanks, well, last night I received the dinner invite text for a week from Saturday. I can accept and hope that I do not reveal my suspicions while I am there; I wear all my emotions on my face, probably should get Botox, lol. Also, I hope I do not have a panic attack, since those have been creeping up on me mostly when I think about the current situation. I hope I go and find out she is just a really nice person and wants to be couple friends.

I did ask my husband if it was necessary, if he would back off the 'friendship' at work and make the relationship more professional. He said he would. I told you, better than George Clooney!
Don't get anxious about it, your hubby is in your corner, you are clearly his world.

Devil's advocate here...is it possible that she is also on the spectrum but not aware? She can't read social cues?

I think you should go to the dinner, given that you've already said you would. I wouldn't commit to any further social things though, not until you see how this goes. You may feel more comfortable if they just keep their interaction to during work hours, which is perfectly reasonable.
 
#30 ·
Aw bless him, what a sweetie. He's got you, you don't have anything to worry about.

He sounds a lot like my husband, he had lunch a few years ago with his former boss, a woman. He told me she'd asked him and was I ok with it, which honestly, I was - and would have told him if I wasn't. I know her too, she's lovely and not interested in him romantically at all. He told me about it again when he got home from work that night, and said that even though I knew about it, it still felt "wrong" to him to be there, bless. I thought it was cute.



Don't get anxious about it, your hubby is in your corner, you are clearly his world.

Devil's advocate here...is it possible that she is also on the spectrum but not aware? She can't read social cues?

I think you should go to the dinner, given that you've already said you would. I wouldn't commit to any further social things though, not until you see how this goes. You may feel more comfortable if they just keep their interaction to during work hours, which is perfectly reasonable.
I don't believe she is on the spectrum; she is very social (I know that doesn't mean anything about social cues) but I think she found she has a crush and is just finding ways to 'see' at work, she is super needy of HIS help. I sincerely hope, I just find that she does like him and that she hopes her husband could be his friend. fingers crossed
 
#29 ·
Not a hottie. We are scheduled to have dinner at her & her husband's house. I did think to, if I had the opportunity, maybe with clean-up, to just say to her "you are extremely fond of my husband" and see what her reaction is.
 
#32 ·
I’ll bet when she offered the vacation pics (I’ll bet 100$ it was swimsuit pics also) she was crushed at his question—- “why????”
Your husband is HIM……. Lmao.
That’s a pretty classic response.

Yet she continues to chase. It will be interesting to see how far she’s willing to go with this before OP has no choice but to drop the hammer.

There’s no way this isn’t exactly as Counterpoint described. She’s investing FAR too much thought into your husband. He’s apparently always on her mind. I’m surprised her husband isn’t wondering what’s going on! He may be……
She may be a repeat offender.
 
#33 ·
No bikini pics but she sent them while she was away. I agree, she is investing too much thought into him. She also gave him a birthday card that he, of course, shared with me. Pretty inappropriate sentiment for a married woman to write to a married man. He didn't see/read into it. I will also be in a full suit of armor. If she isn't careful, she may be called out at work as well.
 
#43 ·
She is on vacation, out of the country, and couldn't resist checking out his Facebook page and liking a post from a week ago.
She is on vacation, out of the country, and couldn't resist checking out his Facebook page and liking a post from a week ago.
These likes to his posts are not surprising given her obsessive infatuation with your hubby. (Those green eyes must be something else.) Also, she has probably thoroughly checked YOU out on your social media for a competitive analysis. You can make some kind of subtle post online to somewhat unsettle her because I would assume she is following not only hubby but yourself.
 
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#44 ·
The post she 'liked' was one of me & my hubby on our wedding day; it was a memory that popped up, so I shared it. When I posted a handful of pictures of us for his birthday post, she didn't like the post but asked questions about one of the people in a group photo. So....she probably didn't like me showing our unity, or she was just jealous. What kind of subtle post could unsettle her?

Also, my hubby has a habit of answering questions and then going on little diatribes about things like non-Newtonian fluids.
 
#53 ·
@Anxious_one ,

I have a wonderful Beloved Hubby too--and he works in technology in an industry that is strongly female. He is EXTREMELY handsome and a kind, friendly person, but his heart is good and he has no idea that to the cougar women in his industry... he is THE one to catch! He's handsome, smart, funny, financially firm, and a good man (those are few and hard to come by!) He's not naive or anything--he just is very loyal and doesn't think "like that" ...so it doesn't occur to him that the cougar out there sort of laying her trap even IS a cougar...much less that there's an attempt at laying a trap.

Here's what I do. I trust and believe in my Beloved Hubby. As I said, he's not naive, and he is loyal to a fault--of that I have absolutely NO DOUBT. He also tends to believe the best of people until they put him in that position to see it and not believe the best. If some lady were to make an overt flirt, I am convinced he would shut it down in no uncertain terms!!

But there have been one or two (and I mean that--one or two) ladies where I've had to say to him, "Honey, that lady is putting out her feelers for you to see if you're interested." And once or twice I've had to say "I am not comfortable with where SHE is taking this, and I'm going to ask you to draw the line." I also communicated directly with the lady and made a statement that was firmly "I see what you're doing. Knock it off."

Based on how you've described things, it sounds like your husband is a good man just like my Beloved Hubby--good in his heart. It also sounds like the work lady is trying to sink her claws into him and is clearly pursuing him. I'd suggest that you trust your husband and put faith in his true heart but also, at the same time, after the dinner party you can decide if you request a firm work boundary, if you tell her to knock it off, or both.
 
#58 ·
Your husband isn’t encouraging this but not discouraging her behavior, either. Unless she’s a complete psycho or delusional, she is reading his lack of boundaries to mean it’s okay to keep pushing her boundary. I don’t think I’d be placing all my suspicion on her, tbh. It will be interesting to see the dynamic between your husband and this woman, at dinner. That might help you see if your husband is clueless or a little more encouraging than you thought.
 
#61 ·
If I remember right, this OW is 59.
At this age, most ladies are no longer coy.

Their words are to the point.
That point is honed sharp.

And like a fishhook, those words of theirs can have barbs.
Barbs, some Barbara's, that do not release once laid into flesh.

As men age, they become more mellow and soft, where-ass, women 'often' gain that hard edge.
This is not meant to be a criticism, but an observation.

At some point in late 50's+, the two sexes briefly meet in the middle of that passive/aggressive, psychological curve.
Many men lose their hair, and some ladies gain a mustache.

After, say ~68, the ladies call the shots, as the men further weaken.
At this point, the men lose their strong stream of consciousness, it goes south.

Alas, the poor guys then dribble-miss the toilet bowl and they pee on the floor.
To make matters worse, their zipper soaks up the residual.

Dribbling is an end of life, shared humiliation, with both sexes.
Ladies are the wiser, with they wearing those panty liners.

Our poster, this lady OP, is up against a rival lady who knows what she wants.
And makes no secret of it. Games are for younger gals.

Were her husband typically loaded with spiked "T and tea", he would bend over to her wishes.
Her wishes and his lust would meld together, he would be taken.
 
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#63 ·
As men age, they become more mellow and soft, where-ass, women 'often' gain that hard edge.
...
At some point in late 50's+, the two sexes briefly meet in the middle of that passive/aggressive, psychological curve.
Joseph Campbell had some things to say about that as I recall.

As the woman ages, she turns from a wife into that most feared figure, the Mother In Law!

And the man takes up fishing. Who knows what he is hoping to catch with his rod?
 
#68 ·
I doubt your husband is so clueless, he doesn't realize that these marital advice chats can be turned around and be considered cringey by his HR Dept. He should keep his distance for that reason alone, if he doesn't understand how these interactions are making you feel.
 
#86 ·
Also, I feel a little like I am crazy, even though my gut says I am not. I logically see my husband as acting normally toward me, but I keep thinking he is just trying to trick me. I have been cheated on many times before, but I have no reason to believe he would do that to me. I see the signs in her though, who writes something that intimate in a married man's birthday card?
 
#87 · (Edited)
I don't know about the notes being transcribed, reviewed or edited. Since this was all taking place at work, I don't even know how often these little interviews were occurring. So, if you were me, and I am in a very vulnerable state emotionally, would you just cancel the dinner and ask my husband to reel in this friendship and make it professional?
If you go to the dinner ask her for her original handwritten notes so you can make a copy and you and hubby can review the content for accuracy. Since you're at her home anyway she can dig them out then and there or give them to him at the office. Tell her that you both need to see what's in it for purposes of transcription, review and verification per your attorney as sensitive communications or some such thing like HIPPA at your doctors office. Now that will 'unsettle' her! Maybe hubby too, it's possible because I smell bullpucky floating. Get the source docs if you can, if they even exist.

I know you don't want think of it but did your husband ever spend any late nights at the office working on 'the book'
 
#96 ·
This strange lady is the symptom, but not the problem in and of itself.

If you felt reaonably secure in your marriage and confident that your husband would brush off her advances, you wouldn't perceive her as such a threat. But here you are, trying to prove your couple-dom to her on social media and thinking about doing pop-ins at work to check up on her. She is taking uo way too much of your brain-space here. She isn't the real issue.

Think about where this is really coming from. There is obviously a bigger disconnect between you and your husband than you are ready to admit (to yourself), or you wouldn't be so worried that some random office crush could invade the barrier of your marriage.
 
#97 ·
Normally, I am very secure with my husband. It was like this hit me out of nowhere that, wow, she has a crush on him. And I thought of previous things that my husband shared (which he didn't hide from me) and came to that conclusion. He doesn't necessarily think that way because he is faithful to me and didn't see her 'friendliness' as anything other than that. But looking back she is the typical damsel in distress, and he has a need to fix problems that people bring to him no matter who they are, she just glommed on to him. She is also a newer (2 yrs.) employee where he has been there 20 years. He works with other women, and I have no issues with them at all.