[Satya]

The road to divorce isn't always linear, there's a lot of stuff that people need to process along the way.

I recall the day I went over to the house to retrieve some items, I was in the garage packing up my tools. This was about halfway through a highly contested, acrimonious divorce, but we had gotten past much of the anger and were at least civil with each other. She comes in to the garage, starts making small talk and then starts pulling her shirt down and smiling and asks me if I want some. I just looked at her, shook my head, and went back to packing up my saw blades.

Don't expect rational behavior.

Good point.
My ex H started telling me I should sleep with some of our mutual, single male friends. Basically, wanted to throw me to the wolves because we were done anyway. I absolutely did not and just the thought of how he worded it made me want to vomit.

 

[MovingForward]

How long has it been since your marriage was good?

How long has it been since she consistently met your needs?

Is the marriage, on its own merit and given no other considerations such as children or finances, actually worth saving?

I know I asked you if you wanted to try to rekindle your marriage. In fairness, if I were in your position, I would let the marriage die.

@farsidejunky I really don't know how to answer, I feel like I need a bunch of counseling to find out what I am thinking/wanting/needing and who I am myself, I don't even really know sometimes.

Regarding being good we have good times all the time from my point of view but we did have a blow up from time to time.

I wish i could confidently answer this and feel bad I cant

 

[MovingForward]

Good point.
My ex H started telling me I should sleep with some of our mutual, single male friends. Basically, wanted to throw me to the wolves because we were done anyway. I absolutely did not and just the thought of how he worded it made me want to vomit.

I could not imagine ever saying something like that, I am still at a point where the thought of her with someone else kills me a little, that is the one thing I can't quite detach from just yet.

 

[MovingForward]

I can tell my mind is all over the place just reading back through my own posts, the inconsistency is something I have to laugh at, Its good I guess to document it all so I can see how I progress/regress over this time situation.

 

[3Xnocharm]

@3Xnocharm regarding the highlighted portion what were you thinking at the time and what scared you?

Its a scary thing when you realize that you dont want to be with your spouse any more... the commitment you made, the life you planned, the feeling of failure... I remember saying to myself that this is what I want, but I wish I didnt want it. Also coming out and telling my then H that I was leaving was THE scariest thing I had ever done in my life. He had a terrible temper, and while I really didnt feel he would physically harm me, he was frightening when he got angry and I just didnt want to deal with it. (he did push me down once when he was drunk/angry)

 

[Absurdist]

I can tell my mind is all over the place....

And that may continue for awhile. But also.... your wife's mind is everywhere too. Both of you, your left brain is in a civil war with your right brain. From the men I have spoken to and try to counsel as a friend, that is very, very, very ... exhausting. It's one of the reasons your wife had the meltdown with the kids.

MovingForward - as I told you several days ago, your wife's head is one big bag of cats. She has no idea who she is, what she wants or what she wants to do. I think she has deep insecurities and self esteem issues all mixed in with a unhealthy dose of depression.

I have no idea what your end result might be. But as Farside says, you will have to lead this thing. Unfair as h3ll. I understand that, but you still need to lead it.

 

[MovingForward]

Its a scary thing when you realize that you dont want to be with your spouse any more... the commitment you made, the life you planned, the feeling of failure... I remember saying to myself that this is what I want, but I wish I didnt want it. Also coming out and telling my then H that I was leaving was THE scariest thing I had ever done in my life. He had a terrible temper, and while I really didnt feel he would physically harm me, he was frightening when he got angry and I just didnt want to deal with it. (he did push me down once when he was drunk/angry)

Thanks I was just curious so maybe I would understand a little more about her mindset and why she does certain things, I guess it is not easier for the leaver than the left behind both feel the same emotions of failure, lost future plans, and not being a partnership anymore.

 

[browser]

I can tell my mind is all over the place just reading back through my own posts, the inconsistency is something I have to laugh at, Its good I guess to document it all so I can see how I progress/regress over this time situation.

Now you can understand why some states have mandatory "cooling off" periods before a divorce can be filed.

 

[MovingForward]

Now you can understand why some states have mandatory "cooling off" periods before a divorce can be filed.

Yes it is a smart move :smile2:

 

[FeministInPink]

Good point.
My ex H started telling me I should sleep with some of our mutual, single male friends. Basically, wanted to throw me to the wolves because we were done anyway. I absolutely did not and just the thought of how he worded it made me want to vomit.

Eeeewwww. Gross. I would have the same reaction as you.

 

[FeministInPink]

How long has it been since your marriage was good?

How long has it been since she consistently met your needs?

Is the marriage, on its own merit and given no other considerations such as children or finances, actually worth saving?

I know I asked you if you wanted to try to rekindle your marriage. In fairness, if I were in your position, I would let the marriage die.

@farsidejunky I really don't know how to answer, I feel like I need a bunch of counseling to find out what I am thinking/wanting/needing and who I am myself, I don't even really know sometimes.

Regarding being good we have good times all the time from my point of view but we did have a blow up from time to time.

I wish i could confidently answer this and feel bad I cant

This may be your answer, right here. If you have to think too hard about the answer... the answer is probably no. If you had a good reason for wanting to save the marriage (aside from the kids or finances), you wouldn't be looking so hard for it, because it would be right in front of you. You would know.

 

[MovingForward]

This may be your answer, right here. If you have to think too hard about the answer... the answer is probably no. If you had a good reason for wanting to save the marriage (aside from the kids or finances), you wouldn't be looking so hard for it, because it would be right in front of you. You would know.

It just confusing it really is, I really feel like I am just lost and not sure what I am thinking about anything. I do love her just not sure if we can work together anymore or if I am trying to hold on to something that is not there anymore or if this is just a bad time and things will get better again.

We are going MC tonight so maybe something could come out of this good or bad which helps me one way or another.

 

[MovingForward]

And that may continue for awhile. But also.... your wife's mind is everywhere too. Both of you, your left brain is in a civil war with your right brain. From the men I have spoken to and try to counsel as a friend, that is very, very, very ... exhausting. It's one of the reasons your wife had the meltdown with the kids.

MovingForward - as I told you several days ago, your wife's head is one big bag of cats. She has no idea who she is, what she wants or what she wants to do. I think she has deep insecurities and self esteem issues all mixed in with a unhealthy dose of depression.

I have no idea what your end result might be. But as Farside says, you will have to lead this thing. Unfair as h3ll. I understand that, but you still need to lead it.

Yep, i guess none of us knowing who we are or what we want anymore makes it a weird situation since emotions are all over the place.

I wish i would confidently make a solid decision but I am just not there quite yet.

 

[Grapes]

MF = how did the MC session go?

 

[MovingForward]

MF = how did the MC session go?

Not totally sure, he talked to us both and then described to each of us why the other was feeling and acting a certain way and most of it made sense and how we were communicating in different frequencies and we are basically acting out action for action as it it described in some text book, he actually called us a text book case, he mentioned it will take work and be hard but if we are both committed then he thinks we can work things out but also mentioned there is no guarantee.

It was a little frustrating that my W seemed more interested in making sure I was seen as the bad guy and she was the good guy so not sure how to take that exactly.

I am waiting to be scheduled for another session not sure if solo or together since after we left my W went to get the children and I had a friend I was meeting so not really spoken about it.

 

[FeministInPink]

Not totally sure, he talked to us both and then described to each of us why the other was feeling and acting a certain way and most of it made sense and how we were communicating in different frequencies and we are basically acting out action for action as it it described in some text book, he actually called us a text book case, he mentioned it will take work and be hard but if we are both committed then he thinks we can work things out but also mentioned there is no guarantee.

It was a little frustrating that my W seemed more interested in making sure I was seen as the bad guy and she was the good guy so not sure how to take that exactly.

I am waiting to be scheduled for another session not sure if solo or together since after we left my W went to get the children and I had a friend I was meeting so not really spoken about it.

Best of luck, MF. It's good to know that your marriage/problems are fixable, but you both need to be committed to that, and I have doubts if your wife is willing to commit to it right now.

 

[MovingForward]

Best of luck, MF. It's good to know that your marriage/problems are fixable, but you both need to be committed to that, and I have doubts if your wife is willing to commit to it right now.

Thanks, I also have some doubts but the next few days/weeks or even months should show one way or another.

Not sure how soon we are going to get called into court either so that could change things one way or another.

 

[FeministInPink]

Thanks, I also have some doubts but the next few days/weeks or even months should show one way or another.

Not sure how soon we are going to get called into court either so that could change things one way or another.

If you guys are actually going to give MC a go, the first thing has to be that your wife pulls the divorce filing. It's unfair to have that hanging over you. And come to some agreement in MC that filing for divorce is off the table, for at least a certain amount of time. Or something like that. The MC might have a recommendation on that.

 

[MovingForward]

If you guys are actually going to give MC a go, the first thing has to be that your wife pulls the divorce filing. It's unfair to have that hanging over you. And come to some agreement in MC that filing for divorce is off the table, for at least a certain amount of time. Or something like that. The MC might have a recommendation on that.

Thanks he knew there was a filing but did not mention anything else, I will check if there is a way we can postpone things, I know I can apply for conciliation which suspends all proceedings for 60 days but need to look more into it all.

 

[Grapes]

This whole thing is just so confusing, i cant imagine how all over the place your thoughts are man. Keep your chin up.

So she spent her time blaming you for all her unhappyness. Now I may be jaded so take what i say with a grain of salt but at some point she has to look in the mirror. If she isnt capable or willing to do that not much will change in my opinion. and you wont rebuild trust which i think is your concern?