Mediation really works. Everything will go well, don't worry.

 

Not much has been happening recently apart from my W has become much more distant and cold.

We have hopefully our final Mediation today so hoping it goes well as she is starting to turn on me and become hostile when she has been friendly and civil up to this point, I am sure that happens in all D cases though they keep you sweet and then start to stab you in the back when they can.

 

Final Mediation done and settle agreement finalized, did not get exactly what i wanted but it could have been worse only got 3 years of financial pain and then should be able to move on it could have been 5-6 so i guess i can count myself lucky or as lucky as you can be when you start again with nothing.

She has acted like an entire Beetch this entire process and when I thought she was being reasonable I think I was still blinded by the fact I still loved her, at this time I cannot wait to see the back of her and will have zero issues not speaking to her ever again, I can say I actually hate her at this moment.

She threatened me, walk out, cussed me out non stop, the only good that came from it was she is moving out June 1st so I don't have to look at her horrible face and be around her fake and toxic personality.

 

STOP caring how she feels.

Cool
Firm
Dispassionate
(those are Conrad's advice.... I added this one) IDGAF

Most important.... what is the children split? How often do you have them?

You didn't mention it so I am bracing for a bad response.....

 

@chuck71 I don't care how she feels I'm just angry that I have to deal with and pay such a beach.

Custody went well got a little under 50/50, every mon/tues overnight and every other Friday and Saturday and then Sunday until 6pm.

Seen so many new sides of her, unfortunately in my state she can move i. With someone and I still have to pay alimony only marriage stops it and she flipped when I suggested it stops when she moves in with someone but mediator told me no judge would enforce it so no point discussing here.

So we have she is moving out so she can ' move on' 3 months to meet new partners and anger at though of losing alimony if she moves in with someone and instead of buying a house she is renting an apartment for 6 months I would guess most people are right and she has been cheating and got it all planned out and I get the pleasure of financing the entire transition for them.

 

@chuck71 I don't care how she feels I'm just angry that I have to deal with and pay such a beach.

Custody went well got a little under 50/50, every mon/tues overnight and every other Friday and Saturday and then Sunday until 6pm.

Seen so many new sides of her, unfortunately in my state she can move i. With someone and I still have to pay alimony only marriage stops it and she flipped when I suggested it stops when she moves in with someone but mediator told me no judge would enforce it so no point discussing here.

So we have she is moving out so she can ' move on' 3 months to meet new partners and anger at though of losing alimony if she moves in with someone and instead of buying a house she is renting an apartment for 6 months I would guess most people are right and she has been cheating and got it all planned out and I get the pleasure of financing the entire transition for them.

Getting wiser all the time. It hasn't all unfolded yet but it will very soon. Better start detaching right away

 

Upside is i am free from her and can start a new life and find new happiness.

 

Was that from rationalism or emotion?

Either way brother.... I understand. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to mourn. Been there.....

Just don't let it encompass you....

 

Did not sleep all that well and woke up about 2am and the first thing I saw was a 10 year anniversary thing i had made for her on the wall so i took that down and started working though the house taking down any pictures of us together and gifts and collages i had made and boxing them up, a few more still but I need to borrow an oversized ladder to get to them. The amount of Family pictures and items with all our names on in our house is crazy there will be nothing left on the walls by the time i finish.

It's time to start deleting history.

 

I like your therapist.

Don't think of this time as deleting memories, because there is likely plenty to fondly remember as well. Rather, think of it as the last steps in closing a chapter in your life story that must be done before beginning the next chapter.

 

I don't know the way I currently feel I just want to forget it ever happened.

 

IMO it's therapeutic to do the "out with the old and in with the new"

Make sure you get just compensation if she gets all the furniture, etc.

I'd send all the photos, wedding, etc with her. You don't need reminders hanging around.

 

It was cathartic to me when I deleted all photos of my xw off of my social media.

I have kept a wedding picture album, and I have a couple of family photos on display which she happens to be in but which are great photos of the kids when younger. The wedding photos are in with a pile of other family heirloom stuff, not on display. I have gotten rid of some things she gave me which are of little monetary or practical value.

It is an important part of the process to break the ties to the past. It doesn't mean we reject the good memories. Just like past jobs, high school, and other things we have moved on from, the ex-spouse needs to be taken out of our daily view so we can move into the future.

 

It was cathartic to me when I deleted all photos of my xw off of my social media.

It is an important part of the process to break the ties to the past. It doesn't mean we reject the good memories. Just like past jobs, high school, and other things we have moved on from, the ex-spouse needs to be taken out of our daily view so we can move into the future.

!
I had a much harder time trashing my wedding and honeymoon albums, because they weren't just albums, they were very detailed scrapbooks that I had invested a great many hours into making. They were beautiful books. But I finally convinced myself to toss them, and I don't regret it.

Getting rid of shared stuff, and gifts he gave me, was very therapeutic. There's no need to hang on to those mementos when it's over. Keeping them is just depressing.

Yes I am very sentimental and a little bit of a hoarder so really don't like throwing anything away so i think I will box it all up and let her deal with it all, not sure if i would be able to throw it out myself.

Same with pics on social media so many of my pics are family pics of us with the kids so going to have to figure out what to do with them all.

 

I got so much out of stuffing my wedding dress in the rubbish bin. It felt great. My best friend was trying to convince me to donate it, and I was like, no way. First off, I will have to pay to have it repaired and cleaned before I can donate it, and at the time that was cash that I did not have to waste, and second, this dress has so much bad juju all over it, and third, I WANT TO STUFF IT IN THE RUBBISH BIN AND PUT OTHER TRASH ON TOP OF IT!

I had a much harder time trashing my wedding and honeymoon albums, because they weren't just albums, they were very detailed scrapbooks that I had invested a great many hours into making. They were beautiful books. But I finally convinced myself to toss them, and I don't regret it.

Getting rid of shared stuff, and gifts he gave me, was very therapeutic. There's no need to hang on to those mementos when it's over. Keeping them is just depressing.

 

I threw my X's wedding dress on a raging bonfire during a drinking ceremony.......Felt good. Didn't want the bad karma to spread to someone else.

 

She continues to want to cake eat. Dont let her. You're doing good.

 

Thanks just have to be civil for 3 more weeks and she is gone and we start parenting plan and can pretty much cut contact, then 2 weeks after she moves she takes the kids to her parents for 3 weeks so will hopefully give me some time to grieve the loss of family and the marriage and i guess get used to being in the house by myself.

Very apprehensive about it all but i can't change anything so just need to get on with it.

I still have a lot of emotions flying all over the place it is weird, I probably cry at least once a day sometimes up to 3 times and it just comes on out of nowhere but they are not all day depressions anymore just a quick 10 minute cry and I pick myself back up

 

I feel certain there is another man you will soon find out about. Hence the rush. The sudden divorce request out of the blue (he gave your ex an ultimatum to get moving on the D that he wasn't going to wait around forever for her to get divorced.) 6 month apartment rental... after the 3 months in the mediation, she will move in with him. At first I figured that she just wanted an open marriage type thing where she could date around but still "date" you as well ... keeping her family ... but the sudden move out and temporary quarters make me think she is done with you. I am so sorry for you. I have been married 38 years and still in love. I am so lucky. God comfort you Moving Forward.

 

Yes everything points to that logically but I cant quite believe it yet myself maybe just denying so I dont have to deal with anything extra.

It is a tough time and a big change.

 

Remember......The best revenge is living well and being happy. Show that when you are in her presence but do not share any of that happiness with her.

 

I'm not really looking for revenge but I do want to live well and be happy again, just going to need a lot of help to see if i can get over this and trust someone again for a future relationship, otherwise just going to have to make a good life for kids and spend my time traveling and just doing what I want

 

Away for the summer with the kids? Is that a good idea?

As to the idea of friends: never.

Allies when it comes to your children but never friends. Your ex needs to know as well as your children they have only one father. Others can be a mentor, favorite teacher, etc but never a dad.

 

Away for the summer with the kids? Is that a good idea?

As to the idea of friends: never.

Allies when it comes to your children but never friends. Your ex needs to know as well as your children they have only one father. Others can be a mentor, favorite teacher, etc but never a dad.

She takes the Children back every summer for 3-4 weeks usually as I am traveling a lot for work and they spend summer with her large family. It was booked prior and as part of our settlement she still has option too, it also allows me 2 weeks away every other Christmas and same time away in Summer so it works both ways, I actually think timing is perfect she goes for 3 weeks then comes back and i take them away to go back to my home town for 2 weeks so there is less time to wallow or think about anything.

Bye the way; you mentioned you live far away from your birth place and family. Has your stbexWW ever made an effort to plan to travel to visit them at all? My dad was from half way across country from where I grew up. Yet even as the interstate was still being built we would spend three days traveling to and then from his family using up my dad's two week vacation. My mom always insisted his family was as important as his.

Yes she lived there for a few years and we have been back twice in the last 10 years as a family but cost usually prevented us from going more often.

Your ex needs to know as well as your children they have only one father this is one of my big concerns, she in my eyes is much closer to her step dad than her dad and I am sure wold think nothing of introducing someone as a dad and not really sure how i can stop that

 

Bye the way; you mentioned you live far away from your birth place and family. Has your stbexWW ever made an effort to plan to travel to visit them at all? My dad was from half way across country from where I grew up. Yet even as the interstate was still being built we would spend three days traveling to and then from his family using up my dad's two week vacation. My mom always insisted his family was as important as his.

 

12 years to get to this point and can all be over and be strangers in a matter of weeks. Yes it can be over in a day once either one of you decides to choose to divorce. Once the Four Horsemen of the Appocolyps strike at Contempt, Both can feel it or one does and other does not. The marriage is done for. It's over and a sunk cost and the 12 years is the cost of doing business. I hope you are not older than 40 or 43. You will have four years to get your life together to try again, start over, in a different way if you want children. explain later with advice.

Have a IC session tomorrow with a new guy and timing couldn't be better unless it was today. Split and divide up the money. If you have a decent paying job and it is somewhat safe,have a few grand in money, move out and get an apartment. It's absolutely horrible to see your spouse and deal with the attitude. Especially when you feel you have to give it back. You may feel it is o.k. to have conversation, but like a knife, she will use the venom to put you down by not giving you respect although you do.


Just need to get through these next few months and hope it doesn't get messy, any advice on living in the same house and co parenting while in the divorce process would be very much appreciated?
You guys were working on becoming strangers for a long time coming,

This is what happened to me in a way.... over ten years we just didn't attune to each other's needs, Step kids hers and mine never blended. money flying out the window to pay for your child support is a thing wife doesn't like. you may be didn't realize it. I am sure you had a uneasy feeling in your gut and ignored it. Try not to that.

Advice from now on. in the future wife
1.10% of your income and 10% of her account. If you need to put in more of your money to equal yours do so.
If there is any disparity of the two you will pay later. Boy will you pay later. If you hide $4K in an emergency bucket off site and no-one knows you have it is your safety valve to high-tale it our of a bad situation. Pick a place the Court and She can't find it. It may come in handy for another divorce or a stash to pay a huge medical copay for you, your wife, or children. Expenses can break a marriage in the above cases.

It is just love to fund and both of you have this money. I will explain later.

2. If you can reconcile great if not so be it. Seek marital counseling, Gottman Training if she is willing. Kids get real screwed up in divorce. ]

3. Together review the love verses of Corinthians and maybe you will understand what it means. Most likely you both feel naked because you are at the point where you decide what love is and can stomach their bad faults, accept them, and still love each other to make love and stick it out. Romance, love, sex waynes and waxes like the seasons. See Joe Black the Movie. She saw what Mr. Black was. Couldn't accept it. True love, appreciation, and acceptance to the core of what Corinthians means that she should have gone with Joe Black. I think millions don't know the meaning. I did but too late so I must move on. It hurts even if is my third divorce. I thought this one was different.

4. Get a lawyer at all costs. I went procey could not afford one. I tried to get a loan everywhere. If you have to go process, Get as much $50.00 half hour consultations you can. Illinois law still favors separate marital property when it is acquired alone during and before marriage even though you both transmute/co-mingled income.

5. Do not every marry a woman with kids until they are out of the house a few years and will not becoming back. They destroy marriages no matter how young or old they are. If the child is 23 or older and mom forbids him or her to move out of the home and get a life, there is some serious Freud and emotional incest issues If the step son is walking around like her deceased husband to take his place. Get out that is not a marriage. I accepted that subconsciously until I got depressed.

advice.
Don't argue, don't get even, don't get angry and rehash the past of who did what or who didn't do what.
If you go to trial it will make you a poster child for marriage terrorism and it will be recorded as such.

Give all the attention to your children you can muster.

Move out

Attend a 12 week Divorce care support group at a church. It was really helpfull.

If you can reconcile great.

jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj Im tired.

 

@Davidmidwest that is a hard read LOL as not quotes.

There is no reconciliation here she did not want MC and has not attended IC she is leaving and apparently I am 100% to blame oh well we are going to Divorced shortly it is all in process and will be finalized shortly(Hopefully).

I did not see this coming and was 100% trusting which as it has gone down was my bad as she has not been trustworthy herself in this process and has gone back on promises and agreements multiple times, i will not make that mistake again.

She is moving out in a few weeks but if i could go back in time i would have moved out myself months ago, I thought we could still work it out but that was never on the cards and just caused me much more pain that i could have avoided.

I plan to put all my effort into making my kids feel safe, secure and loved in my presence at least and the rest of the time I plan to improve all areas of my life, Hobbies , Education, friendships, health and overall happiness.

I am under 40 so have time to catch up financially and get life back on track but as for remarrying no Thanks, I have children and am not looking for anymore, i would be open to a LTR in future but not sure how that would work other than separate houses and stay together when kids are with other parent who knows, the only thing i am sure on though is i will never remarry it is way too much hassle and seems like it doesn't mean much to people anymore other than gambling yours and your kids future financial security on someone who can take half your assets and then expect you to maintain there lifestyle for years after you are no longer married or together.

This forum has been a great learning tool i just wished i had been more open to really taking it all in earlier, i thought deep down my story was different but they all seem the same and go the same way, when she told me she wanted a D i should have filed, moved out and not looked back, i would be in a much happier place currently had i done that.

 

Went to Group counseling again last night, was a good experience again it is just guys and feels good to just talk openly about whatever we want and have the group listen and offer support, I came home refreshed and in a much better mindset.

Only 15 more days until my W starts moving out(she has a week) got a lot of things to arrange and we also get to split all the finances that day so a big step towards moving on.

I think I am getting excited finally.

 

Even if you have to return them..... her last day there, have the delivery guys bring over all

the stuff you'd want for a man cave. Get a pool table while you're at it.

Give the XW something to think about LOL.... "WITF is MF going to enjoy me being gone?"

 

sry for tl;dr all thread but what is the situation with lawyer assistance? my close pall used to dealing with his waifu too and without proper divorce attorney he almost get broke by his mad ex, so be aware.

 

We have not used Lawyers just a Mediator, our state is a community property state so assets all 50/50 and child support is a state calculator, Alimony was only thing we had to work out and I just cut my loses and gave her what she wanted and got a reduced time for it, if we had gone to court i would have been responsible for all legal fee's on both sides and my child custody agreement could have been worse due to my work schedule which we were able to workaround in Mediation and Alimony could have gone either way but could would have been a longer duration.

 

Is there any way you could pay somebody to convert it to a pool table? Like, really conspicuously looking like the old table, while just adding a few pockets.

 

I still have room for a pool table also so might as well find a use for the table since its 'mine' now LOL, i just found it funny how I never cared about it and she told me I can keep it.

We still need to go through all the other furniture this weekend luckily we have so much since she liked to fill every room there will be plenty of things left regardless, only one thing we both want is the Bed so going to see if she wants to flip a coin. :smile2:

 

Was working through some rooms last night just taking note of what we had and what I wanted to keep and figure out how to reorganize furniture once some items are removed.

Came across a lot of Photo Albums my STBXW has put together over the years, it stirred a lot of emotion, my first trip to the US she was in the pics(we weren't together at the time), buying our first house together all the holidays we had taken, fun nights and trips with all my friends back in England, Moving to the US, our pets, birth of Children and their steps, first Christmas, Thanksgiving and vacations, first time swimming and walking on the beach.

I know I will have plenty of time in future to build new memories and take new pictures and videos involving my new life and the new people in it but it is still sad.

One thing which I really don't like is that I dont get to share moments I have with the kids with anyone, I know that sounds a little weird but its just how I feel.

 

I know I will have plenty of time in future to build new memories and take new pictures and videos involving my new life and the new people in it but it is still sad.

One thing which I really don't like is that I dont get to share moments I have with the kids with anyone, I know that sounds a little weird but its just how I feel.

I know, was speaking to my Group about this and my IC also provided feedback and basically said men dont always grieve the Spouse or Marriage they grieve the loss of their family unit and the security that provided and I think that is exactly how I am feeling.

I will miss being able to catch every moment and experience my kids have, Miss having a family during the holidays, Miss looking forward to family vacations just those things and maybe I am just being overly sensitive and thinking about too much at once, I think generally day to day this should be a positive experience for me i am know in control of my own future again.

Ok, that's all normal. I was married 34 yrs, and all my kids are in their 20's. A few grandkids, too. As I considered the option of divorce over the last years we were married, I was acutely aware that I could not have the same things with a new woman. That is, I will never have a young family and all of those memories with a new wife. We won't go through the struggles of teens (that's perhaps a very good thing!). I spent my entire adult life with my now ex-W. We explored the world, we learned about life, we went through everything together.

Any future relationships I have can be fantastic. But we will never have children in common. We'll be together during years of physical decline rather than the years of our physical peaks.

For me, I agree there is a grieving of the loss of the family. To be honest, though, I miss the dogs far far more than I miss my ex or living with her!

On the other hand, there are new memories and good times with your kids. Holidays are different, but they are on my terms and the way that I want to do them. Kids have fun easily. New places, new circumstances, new traditions are full of exploration and fun when they are younger. If they are older, the relationship becomes more peer like than parent-child, which provides opportunities to talk about their lives and plans. You get the chance to show your leadership (over your own life) and confidence in the face of change. You get to configure your home and life to your own preferences. My kids and grandkids all seem to be quite ok.

Things will be different, but they will be good for you and your kids.

 

Remember who took all this away. Get your perspective. It'll still hurt but you'll be able to deal with detachment beret that way.

 

I know, was speaking to my Group about this and my IC also provided feedback and basically said men dont always grieve the Spouse or Marriage they grieve the loss of their family unit and the security that provided and I think that is exactly how I am feeling.

I will miss being able to catch every moment and experience my kids have, Miss having a family during the holidays, Miss looking forward to family vacations just those things and maybe I am just being overly sensitive and thinking about too much at once, I think generally day to day this should be a positive experience for me i am know in control of my own future again.

 

You don't have any other family members or good friends you can share pictures or memories with?

 

My closest family are a ten hour flight away if I fly direct In another country, this summer will be first time in almost 7 years I have been back as it is quite cost prohibitive. I don't have any close friends here but working on it so hopeful that is coming. I think it's just a thought adjustment I always wanted us to raise the kids together and be a family and that part has gone we will be raising them separate from each other and having separate lives.

I will get over it just a big change from how I thought my life would be

 

We told the children lastnight, it went as well as could be expected, my younger one cried and refused to talk and just kept trying to pull me and my w together, my elder one tried to pretend nothing was wrong and comfort his sister. Felt terrible telling them and hope we can make this as bareable as possible for them.

 

Ok, so this means that for now, your focus needs to be on the kids. You've had time to process, but this is new and very confusing for them. Give them lots of hugs, and tell them how much you love them, how important they are to you, and that will.never change, no matter what.

Good luck.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

 

I know I think it is going to take them a while to let it sink in as the summer is so crazy.

Not looking forward to co-parenting find it really hard being around her currently.

It just devastates me, the entire situation is terrible all around, I don't even feel like I am able to look after myself and terrified of making a mess of this.