So starting new thread since I am not longer 'Looking for advice on reconnecting with wife' and we are moving forward with a Divorce currently.

Original post started here - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ge.com/considering-divorce-separation/364514-need-advice-reconnecting-wife.html

When I originally posted back in January I had already been through a few weeks of emotional Hell, ups and downs, hope to no hope and everything in between. We had good days, bad days and completely normal days together and up until last night I still had some hope that things would work out but for some reason unbeknown to me she walked in told me not to be nice to her and she needed me to sign the Summons so we can get our 60 day Windows to dissolve the Marriage and that is the last conversation we had.

Met at Court house earlier and signed papers and she has called to tell me about an appointment with a Mediator next week, I have arranged for a realtor to come and put out house on the Market and we should be up for sale by the end of the week. 12 years to get to this point and can all be over and be strangers in a matter of weeks.

Have a IC session tomorrow with a new guy and timing couldn't be better unless it was today.

Just need to get through these next few months and hope it doesn't get messy, any advice on living in the same house and co parenting while in the divorce process would be very much appreciated?

You guys were working on becoming strangers for a long time coming, you just didn't realize it.

Good luck with the next phase. Glad you have the new IC tomorrow.

 

Your right just hard to let go sometimes.

I am not sure if the worst is over or the worst is still to come, guess I know where I stand finally at least.

 

Another night down, went for a drink with a new Friend who also happens to have just gotten out of a Divorce after 18 years so is very supportive.

Still not told any of my family or Friends back home, just not ready to talk about it.

 

Here's the trick: you only have to tell one person. Tell the biggest blabbermouth you know, and tell him/her (or have someone else tell Blabbermouth). Pretty soon, everyone will know without you having to do anything

 

I have a meeting booked with my boss today to discuss seeing if I can adjust work schedule to accommodate Joint custody, hoping that works out so fingers crossed.

 

Start going no contact with her as much as possible. Do the 180.

 

Still living in same house but doing a reasonable Job so far.

 

Already had meeting with Boss and he was very supportive and told me they could work with me to accommodate a Joint custody agreement so that is great news, I was very worried about my work schedule and not being able to be a decent part of there lives but looking like I might be able to.

Has anyone here had success with alternating 7 days custody with an X? Children are 8 and 5 not sure if this would be a healthy living situation or not for them.

I really do not want to change my relationship with the Children and become a part time or Disney land dad.

 

Sucks to see you here, but there are others who have done the same thing. For me the worst was not living at home with my stbx but the day she moved out to her new house with the kids. That's when it became real.

It took a long time to get over all the feelings involved, be glad you have IC already schedule to help you. Make sure to take care of yourself as well as your kids. Work on increasing your social circle of people you can talk to (DivorceCare is not a bad place to start), work out, eat decent meals, and get plenty of sleep. I actually started to read some self help books on divorce and some on helping my kids.

Limit your conversations with your stbx to the kids and important decisions. Except for the kids, try to look at this as a business deal at this point. Keep everything emotionless and work through it step by step, like you would do a business transaction. Separate the house, belongings, and money in an equitable & fair manner. She has made it plain she is done, so don't pine away over something that is gone.

Make keeping joint custody of your kids your number 1 priority. Most states have become Dad friendly and 50/50 is pretty common, don't settle for less. There are other schedules available than 7 on 7 off, especially considering your kids are young. Look at 3/4/4/3 or 2/5/5/2 type schedules to ensure the kids get to see both parents often. We used a modified 2/5/5/2 which worked well (I have Mon-Tue, she has Wed-Thur, and we alternate Fri-Sun). Works for us since we were in same school district and could just use school as the dropoff/pickup point.

Keep you head up, you can get through this.

 

Thanks, regarding schedule I just wanted to ensure I got normal time with them like I currently. We are seeing a mediator on Tuesday so will see how that goes, I really need to keep this as civil as possible but without being a doormat and accepting less.

I am going to see if I can refinance the house and buy her out although could be a struggle but would be worth it, really like my house and where I live so hope she goes for that would make life so much easier for all and keep things more stable for kids.

 

Nothing much to report today, feel good knowing Joint custody is an option but still nervous to bring it up in Mediation next week, also a little worried how she will take me buying her out the house if I ca n get cash together, I feel it would work best for all of us especially the kids and her but I have a feeling she won't like it.

Ended up having a dream about her last night(The sexy kind, my sexual frustration is sky high) and then woke up anxious about the future of running into her when she is dating other people, that is something I am not looking forward to at all.

Have a great Day all who read this.

 

@;

Nothing much to report today, feel good knowing Joint custody is an option but still nervous to bring it up in Mediation next week, also a little worried how she will take me buying her out the house if I ca n get cash together, I feel it would work best for all of us especially the kids and her but I have a feeling she won't like it.

Ended up having a dream about her last night(The sexy kind, my sexual frustration is sky high) and then woke up anxious about the future of running into her when she is dating other people, that is something I am not looking forward to at all.

Have a great Day all who read this.

Brother! Please for your sake get an attitude adjustment on the bolded underlined above. You are the FATHER and have absolutely every single right to get 50% custody. You have every right your wife has. Just because you have a penis doesnt meant you get less access to the children.

Its not just an option!! Your attitude is to settle for nothing less then 50%. There is no negotiation period! (provided you haven't been abusive and are just a normal good father dude). There is nothing to be nervous about because you are the father and are going to get what is legally yours.

No knock on TAM at all but there is a site that does nothing but help fathers get the custody they deserve. I strongly suggest you check out the site. Its a no Bull**** place where people will offer up good advice to fathers only in custody cases and D. Its like TAM on the topic of infidelity.

PM me if you cant locate the forum and ill let you know. simple google search will find it.

good luck and keep us posted

 

I agree with @Grapes. Adjust your thinking. Whether you get 50/50 isn't even up for debate. The only thing that should be up for debate is the schedule.

Personally, I really like the 1 week with mom, weekend with dad, following week with dad, weekend with mom type schedule. The kids are at one house for the entire school week and then have the weekend to settle in and spend with mom or dad before the next school week starts. Also, there is time over the weekend to retrieve any special blankies or teddy bears or favoritest shirts that may have been forgotten and to make a trip to the store for anything else before Monday morning mania.

If you think your STBXW won't be cooperative during custody negotiations, figure out a way to sell it to her. After all, 50% of the time the kids would be with you. This gives her time to develop hobbies, date, work extra hours, go out socially with friends, visit family, find herself as a single woman, etc.

 

This is the plan I thought made most sense to me also as it gives you a full week of normality and stability to settle in.

 

As the divorce progresses it may get much harder to be in the same house. Is there any way that one of you can move out and rent for now?

 

Not really I could but was advised not to for financial reasons and also want to keep house so would not be in my best interests to move. Mentally I am holding it together pretty well and just do my own thing so currently not a big deal but if things get to a bad point will look at her moving.

 

Just need to get through these next few months and hope it doesn't get messy, any advice on living in the same house and co parenting while in the divorce process would be very much appreciated?

MF, my divorce finalized about 6 weeks ago. We were separated in the same house from January last year until September. Kids all adults, son in the house for the summer. So not the same as your situation but not totally different.

Don't take the bait. If she is trying to get you upset, just walk away. Even if she isn't trying to do it, if she does or says something which gets you emotionally off balance or angry, just leave the house. I took the dog for many long long walks!

Realize that even in an amicable divorce there are going to be conflicts. Have your lines in the sand (but don't tell her what they are in advance), and stick to them. Use other things as give-aways. If she wants the couch and you don't have a big emotional attachment to it, let her have it but use that as collateral against something you want. Don't fight over everything, but if she is picking you to pieces on little item at a time, you should hold your ground. Basically, don't let her walk all over you. Get what you want and need.

Expect surprises. For me there were a couple of items which were kind of nuclear fire. One I knew about, the other surprised me when she brought it up. You may have to walk away and come back some other time to discuss it. Or, you might decide to hold your ground on it right there. The point is, control your anger. Expect to be surprised at getting angry about something, and resolve today to keep it calm when that happens. You're going to be prickly about custody and about the house, but something for sure is going to come up and surprise you. Maybe it is the garden tools, maybe it is a painting a friend gave you. But it will happen.

Oh, talk to a lawyer asap. Even if you are going to do this mediated without lawyers arguing, you need to get a good consultation so you know how things work and what your rights are. You may need a lawyer to do some documents to be sure they are done properly. Even if you agree not to use lawyers to argue, it is smart to use a lawyer when the documents exceed your expertise.

 

@Thor, I can see us fighting over Alimony and I can see her making the 50/50 an issue and possibly me keeping the house and they are really the only 3 things I care about, the contents of the house i told her she can have since I want to get new stuff and make the house mine since she picked all the furniture and decorated everything.

Thanks for the advice.

 

MF - hope your doing well. I just read your other thread and Im sorry you had to go through that. Theres not much worse then the push/pull from your SO like you expierenced. Is so confusing and causes such an emotional roller-coaster its unbearable. I've been there and can really relate.

She definitely sounds riddled with guilt from your other thread. There also seems to be a sense of manipulation on her part by strumming your heart strings. In D it will be vital for you to ignore this and not feed into any of it, recognize it for what it is but separate it from the D. There is no way to know her motives at this point. For instance; she will be pleasant with you today, throws you off balance, then tomorrow she wants 60/40 on the kids. You can bet your ass that she was nice yesterday to make that request today. watch out for that. If that starts happening then you KNOW she is playing you. Always check to see if her niceness is followed by a request.

You will read elsewhere that this is war. Amicable or not this will be war. Not that you need to be savage or mean but in a sense she is your opposition now and you'd be best suited to think like that. Strategically.

Aside from learning everything you can about your Laws (highly suggested) never ever ever give something up without getting something in return. Doesn't matter what it is, information, material items, documents, money etc etc. Negotiations 101.

Sign nothing unless a lawyer working for you has reviewed it.

Keep posting brother. We are in the same spot for different reasons but we will make it to the other side!

 

@Grapes, I will be continuing to post this is my therapy and support group

I think I am in a good mindset mostly calm but firm and focusing on end goal of getting house, 50/50 and not being lumped with a huge Alimony payment.

Next week I am sure is when things get a little messier during the first mediation and she hears my plans for first time.

 

@Grapes I had a question for you since you lived in same house for so long during divorce, did your wife continue to walk around naked in front of you and not think anything of it? I find it very odd since I moved to the spare room, lock the door to the bathroom etc to keep privacy since we are technically not a couple but she will walk in and use the bathroom or walk out after a bath with no clothes on to get a drink from the kitchen.

This is all stuff she has always done so nothing new so could just be habit and I am looking too much into it but doesn't seem like normal behavior to me.

What makes it really bad is she has an amazing body and I am frustrated as hell from lack of sex.

 

@Grapes I had a question for you since you lived in same house for so long during divorce, did your wife continue to walk around naked in front of you and not think anything of it? I find it very odd since I moved to the spare room, lock the door to the bathroom etc to keep privacy since we are technically not a couple but she will walk in and use the bathroom or walk out after a bath with no clothes on to get a drink from the kitchen.

This is all stuff she has always done so nothing new so could just be habit and I am looking too much into it but doesn't seem like normal behavior to me.

What makes it really bad is she has an amazing body and I am frustrated as hell from lack of sex.

Well - weve been under the same roof for a while now but she's a bat **** crazy cheating pos. There is no nakedness. Instead of nakedness I get her hovering over me staring at me in my sleep. Id prefer the nakedness.

That behavior seems extremely odd. Had she not filed and asked you to sign everything my opinion would be different. but she filed. She wants D. She is taking your mind out of the game. Throwing you off balance. I cant help but think its just more of a manipulation tactic. When this happens - is it followed by a request hours/next day?

If it makes you uncomfortable then tell her it is inappropriate. Tell her that with the pending D it is inappropriate for her to be around you naked, and you would prefer her to be clothed at all times when she is around you. If you say that - watch her be completely floored that you would EVER say it. It will be a shot to her ego. The reality though - tolerating it only keeps you wanting more and not detaching.

Your goal = Custody and detaching.

Her goal = Bolded above, and its working

 

Do YOU ever walk around naked? If not and you don't feel like confronting, then just start randomly walking around naked. It will be amusing and send a message that she's being ridiculous.


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Not anymore but might be an amusing way to pass the time, get home from work strip off and walk around rest of evening with my piece swinging >:laugh:

 

So quick update.

Went to my new IC lastnight, this is the one who specialized in men and emotionally reconnecting couples. All day at work I was confident, excited I had a plan in place, hopeful for future, total acceptance marriage was over and generally feeling pretty good about the future.

The moment I walked into the office all my emotions came to the surface again and I felt awful about life, the situation and couldn't really give him an answer on what I wanted. He asked a lot of questions and seemed to piece together pretty quickly how things had progressed over the last few months, he described what she had felt and how I would have reacted and why we both did we did and then told me straight up this is totally fixable as long as she has a 1% doubt that she is making the right decision. He went on to explain that we were in a Pursuit/Withdrawal cycle and when I go home if she asks anything to tell her what we talked about, when I got home she did ask and I did tell her and she started reading articles on it and then joked maybe she should go see this person to see if he can fix her.

I told him at this point I dont want to save anything I just want to move on since the trust and security from the relationship has gone and I cant go through that again and he told me that how I am feeling right now is the same place she has been in and people do flip back and forth.

He also told me that he doesn't think I am allowing myself to grieve the relationship or that I have truly accepted its over(somewhat agree) and he told me in order for him to help me going forward if I do still love her then I should go talk to her one final time and tell her how I feel about her and that I didn't want this, apologize for any past hurt and then I will be able to look back without any regret in the future and not think what if I had done this or that. I did say I do not think this part is possible for me at this stage but I would give it some thought to which he said I can't make you do anything and she could be done and it will hurt really bad if she is but then you will truly be ready to start healing properly so sleep on it.

Anyway pretty deep stuff from my point of view so thought I would share it, woke up today in the same mindset as yesterday ready to move forward with a new life.

 

Seems to me her career investment is a marital asset


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I would try to make a case regarding the investment of marital assets over the 12 year period. Of course I was an accountant, but if you can sketch out a spreadsheet of net income then an estimate of where it went over time that's your marital investment. At a minimum it will show a moderator and your w why you think a particular final settlement is fair


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That's another reason others have said to sketch out all the household items too. People don't really have a handle on where all the money goes - particularly when they're not earning it - so this will show your point of view


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Yes this is very true.

 

WOW, you need new IC ASAP!! What a freaking moron! Thank goodness you still had your sense about you this morning.

 

The IC still seems focused on trying to repair the marriage, and that really isn't helping the OP move forward.

OP, I think you need to be straight up with this IC and tell him you need help moving forward in a healthy way, and if he can't help you with that, then you need to find another IC that will.

 

Latest update.

Stbxw wants to do MC but also still maintain apontments with mediator, told he one or the other and to tell me today. Not sure I want to save anything anymore but if she commits to MC and working on 'us' 100% I would give it a shot since kids involved and feel like after 12 years I owe it to myself to make sure I did everything I could have. Still feeling pretty strong on getting out of this and moving on but have a little doubt I need to remove.

 

If you two do go to MC be prepared for the therapist to ask for the divorce to be put on hold. The specter of the divorce looming over your sessions would create a serious problem because she would have so much leverage and there'd be this giant ticking clock for the therapy. Is she prepared to do that if the therapist tells you two that it's the best course of action?

Also, that's a pretty big update. What happened? Why does she suddenly want to try MC? Your first post was on the 27th of February; that's only a week ago! Maybe this got started a bit before that but it would still be a rather abrupt change.

 

Dont do it. Tell her to pound sand.

 

Your wife seems to be all over the place. She wants D, gets you to meet at courthouse and sign, then shes all nice, then shes walking around naked, then asking for MC.

She is just all over the place.

Not sure what to make of it honestly because it all just seems to irrationally move from one place to the next.

I dont mean to intrude but has she ever been on prescribed drugs or something like that? History of depression etc?


Or she is buttering you up for something. I haven't a clue.

 

Yes all over the place, she has been falling apart the last few days. This has been my battle since beginning my first thread, she does/doesn't and at beginning power ratio was 100/0 her to me, I was begging etc and taking the licks while she left me in the dark and It was a really terrible time, I have been up and down so many times I finally managed to mostly detach, accept and move on mentally but it seems like the choice not solely being hers anymore is adding a lot of stress to her and she broke down in public Saturday and Sunday spent the entire day in bed.

She had a bout of depression almost 10 years ago and was very similar to how she is currently, once it was treated/passed she regretted a lot of the decisions we made because of it. I told her this and asked her outright and was told she is happy with everything in her life except our marriage.

 

Right, so he needs to make that final decision FOR HER and proceed with the divorce. He would be right back here again in less than a year.

 

And this is my worry, this experience is something I never want to go through again. I just feel li

 

I agree - Even if there isnt infidelity when a spouse just drops you like a bad habit there is alot of trust lost. Trust in that they speak when things bother them instead of just waiting to drop bombs.

i agree, make the decision for her.

 

It really is down to trust I would love to turn back the clock but cannot see how that trust can ever be repaired.

Honestly I dont think I will ever truly trust any one ever again and that is not a healthy mindset to future relationships but that is really where I am at!!!!

 

This upsets people, but let's be pragmatic. I know you have 12 years in, but if there were no kids would you stay?

 

It would be less complicated and confusing since I have tried to put that question to myself a few times and not sure how much that affects my choices but if she could say she was 100% in and show the same I would try but she can't so I won't.

 

MovingForward - have you noticed a dynamic here? On February 17 you wrote this in your first thread:

So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me.

Counseling was your idea and it was rejected.

Now she wants to go to marriage counseling but still keep her options open with the mediator.

Her head is a big bag of cats all clawing to get out and do.... that which she does not know.

OP she has self image problems, self esteem problems, probable depression and who knows what else.

Ultimately, you are the one who will be required to make the decision. She is incapable of doing so herself.

Are you up to the task?

 

I really don't know what I am up for, this is so mentally and emotionally taxing i really don't know what to think, the moment i let my guard down for a second or think about the situation its just ruins me. Just been out for a few drinks and was not a good idea.