Still not feeling the best about the situation today I feel like I am constantly on edge and it is killing my concentration also so making it hard to get through a work day without distraction.

Have to meet STBXW today to sign a motion for our mediator to cancel our court date so we can continue with private mediation and keep it out the hands of a judge so we do not have to step inside the court house again since everything will be mailed instead which I guess is nice.

Had a tough workout last night and usually this distracts me for some time after but last night it was all back at the forefront of my mind the minute I left the gym then had it simmering all night which kills my time with the children since I dont feel like I am mentally present for them or being a good parent as I dont feel like I have anything mentally to offer I am consumed with D and the fear and anxiety that come with that.

Meeting some friends tonight for some drinks hopefully it gives me a break from my own head.

 

Check out my first two threads.... they're VERY short.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/61735-normal-fell-way.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/64013-crossroads-sink-swim.html

I was where you are.......

 

Once XW realized I saw life without her as better..... more reaches than a Roman bathhouse on dime beer night.

XW has made at least one reach every year since D. Made a strong one just back in the Fall.

The light bill was to force her hand. That was the olive branch. If we had done MC, there was no promise I'd want to go back.

Everyone is scared of their future after a 10+ year M that ends. It's healthy to.... but to also be optimistic. MF... you will have a brighter tomorrow. If I listed the five worst things which happened in my life.... over the horizon were brighter days, every damn time.

XW was nice leading up to D because she knew it was real. And I was not reaching. She knew... she overplayed her hand. I tried to take action to save the M, she had refused. By the time she decided it was worth saving, I was ice cold.

A M certificate is worth "the paper it is written on." If it was all so powerful, WTF do we have 50%+ D rates? A M is what the two make of it. As we see on these boards often, the H 85% gets raked over the coals during a D. Maybe it's not the fear of M but... the fear of D where you lose half your earning, see your kids half-time (at best), lose your home. Everything he considered "family" gets taken away.... wife, kids, home.

Side note: I was single when I bought my 1st duplex to rent out. I met XW later that year. I re-fi'd it five years later to lower the interest rate. At the time.... I was M so W had to sign too. She threw a sheet-fit when she saw my mom's name on the deed. "If you recall, when I purchased this, I did not know you. I wanted mom's name on it too in case something happened to me and mom could use it for income when she got older." She was speechless.... I walked towards the bedroom door.... "You showed me some of your true colors."

Also.... a week before we got M, I went with mom to the courthouse and placed my 1962 Corvette into mom's name. The only female I have ever trusted 100% for more than say... a year.... was my mom. MF you and I can start a business in AZ dealing with Spring Training and Fall Baseball.... you may trust me... but you're still going to count the drawer after I do.

 

Yes he financial implications for the higher earner or more financially secure are huge, my W has never made a payment on our house yet I have to pay a significantly amount to keep it which has cost me my 401k on top of that despite 50/50 custody I am Down to pay a decent chunk of change in child support, provide medical for everyone and alimony to maintain a lifestyle I provided and I am considering myself one of the lucky ones. I will be able to fall in love again potentially but no more children and no marriage I don't think I will fully trust anyone ever again.

 

You're doing well so far. Not as deep in a fog as some at this time.

Most going through this will project their feelings onto the STBXW. That's why it's hard to understand that their feelings toward you aren't the same as yours are towards her. If they were she wouldn't be divorcing you would she?

Like most you don't see it just yet. The big clue you've posted is her wanting introduction rights early with the kids. Big eye opener!!!

However, you can't stop her from doing anything. The best thing to do for you is stay out of her life and keep her out of yours. Yep, you have kids but it can be done to where it's kept at a bare minimum.

Get out, stay out and make your own life.

 

You're doing well so far. Not as deep in a fog as some at this time.

Most going through this will project their feelings onto the STBXW. That's why it's hard to understand that their feelings toward you aren't the same as yours are towards her. If they were she wouldn't be divorcing you would she?

Like most you don't see it just yet. The big clue you've posted is her wanting introduction rights early with the kids. Big eye opener!!!

However, you can't stop her from doing anything. The best thing to do for you is stay out of her life and keep her out of yours. Yep, you have kids but it can be done to where it's kept at a bare minimum.

Get out, stay out and make your own life.

Damn I missed this. That is a tell-tell. Have you investigated? Is this guy M or have gf?

The great thing about WS and OM/OW.... they don't think straight and make many mistakes.

Detective hat...... this can buy you some leverage.

 

Stay focus on getting the terms you need for post divorce life, but grab all the phone bills both cellular and land for as far back as you can. Later you can use them to track volume and times of calls and texts. Focus on the time before things went south. If he has children with multiple woman chance are he is a player and shortly after the adultery began guided her to a burner phone and/or apps that leave a trail.

 

We don't have a land line and have company Phones so I don't have access to Bills.

 

If it were me if VAR her car. Just be careful

 

Var is purely for information purposes only. Unless you wanted to expose and end the affair if there is one but from what you've posted it's a good bet.

Pay cash. They are cheap. Velcro securely under the car seat. If it's found you don't even know what a var is. Who's gonna prove it? Knowledge helps with closure

 

Just got a text from W out the blue, she want's to tell the kids soon, not sure why but right there again my heart broke and I feel terrible in myself, about life and about the situation that is happening and can't hold my emotions inside so sitting at desk crying to myself.

I replied about changing some of the agreement we made in Mediation and she called me mad but then agreed to the changes as she felt they were fair and I was OK but then she tells me she wants to tell the kids tomorrow!!!!!! I just lost it and couldn't control my crying and had to hang up, basically made a fool out of myself.

Also told me she wants this over with ASAP and she will be house hunting next week as she needs to move on and can't do that currently.

Why does the pain keep coming back continually it never stays away????!!!

 

Because YOU allow IT.......... you think it's bad now, just wait. Loading up 2x4s....

 

Because you are refusing to accept that your marriage is over.

 

I know you are right, I think I get by pretending nothing is happening, I am still in shock this is my life.

 

Like most you probably see her for who you thought she was as well not who she is.

VAR will help bring clarity to that.

I suspect at this time you don't want to know. Denial just keeps you in self imposed limbo hell.

Wake up

 

Yes, it is your life and you have to figure a way to deal with it. Like everyone else who goes through this.

I'm sorry but this isn't a special circumstance and she's no unique snowflake.

She's either getting eager to move on with other man or he's pressing her to move faster or a combination of both.

I don't think I need anymore clarity. I need to figure another way of dealing with it as what i am doing doesn't work, just keeping myself busy all the time but anytime something else comes up its another blow and i go back down to the bottom.

I don't know if it is just gonna keep getting worse until it gets better but i hope not, I am still stuck in Limbo Legally, financially, physically in the house and have to remain calm and civil so she doesn't become unreasonable in mediation as she could get a lot more than she is asking currently the pressure is driving me insane.

 

MF - today I was reading a story about a small town that was totally obliterated by a tornado three years ago. One photo in particular showed a man sitting among the rubble of his destroyed home holding his dead dog. Flash forward three years. Same man. House restored, new trees, new sod and two new black labs. In an interview he said yes, this was bad but I had a choice. I could continue to sit among the ruins of my life or I could start to rebuild. He said he began to heal when he got out of the victim chair and started to press forward and recreate.

Be that guy MF. It's your choice. You can sit among the ruins holding a dead dog or you can.... move forward.

Be your username.

 

I know, I want to rebuilt but still stuck until all the legal stuff has been finalized as I need to limit my financial hit as much as possible.

Once it is finalized I will have the house with some decent equity but negative Cash and Zero retirement and paying a healthy amount of cash out each month to her but it could be much worse so just need it signed and approved then I can think about how to rebuild and what i want that to look like.

I am trying to get in on Monday to finish the draft settlement agreement but not heard back yet and if not Monday it will be the following week, then 2-3 weeks after that for final review before submitting to a judge to approve and issue the decrees.

Mentally this has been the toughest situation ever and most of it was because i was not prepared and couldn't believe it was happening.

I picked my username on a more positive day :smile2:

 

Can you get away for a few days?

Maybe take off for the weekend?

 

No but I wont be around her much and she is away for work most of next week so guess I can have some time to reflect without having to see her.

At least an emergency session with your IC?

I am in to see him tonight just by luck, I had booked a bunch of sessions and forgot about this one and got an email reminder.

I am just a mess not been able to do a thing at work all week this brain fog is really slowing me down.

 

At least an emergency session with your IC?

 

It is up to now the toughest thing you've dealt with in your life. Worse than the death of a parent.

 

It is up to now the toughest thing you've dealt with in your life. Worse than the death of a parent.

Funny you say above, I told the same thing to the IC, When I first met my W my dad had a major accident and we got called into while they read him his last rights and sat all night waiting for him to pass and in the worst part of that I didn't feel as bad as I have during this time. He survived in the end but has serious issues still.

 

Make sure you inform your boss what you're going through. They should understand this. It'll help

 

I told him, he was the one who made the decision to allow my schedule to change to accommodate shared custody. He comes in and asks what is going on from time to time.

I feel like my brain is a pile of mush............

 

Went to my IC last night and then straight for a group workout so 1 hour of mental rehabilitation and 1 hour of physical exhaustion and I felt much much better.

Still woke up in the early hours of the morning with a lot of stress and just ended up getting up early as I could not fall back asleep.

IC believes I am depressed and wants me to consider speaking to my Primary Physician about possibly getting some Anti-depressants for some short term assistance, I have no experience with that kind of thing so can anyone shed any light on there experience and Pro's/Con's, I am really not keen on it currently as hear all kinds of horror stories about prescription drug addition and sexual side effects etc I have no experience at all?

 

I am not a fan of Rx anti-depressants because of their side effects. But, if you need them, and nothing else works for you, then you need them.

However, there are a number of alternates to try first. Start with good nutrition, good sleep, plenty of vigorous exercise. Cut out the caffeine, alcohol, and other substances as much as possible.

Get the book "Mood Cure". There are several excellent natural supplements which have been proven in clinical studies to be as effective or even more effective than the Rx meds. To give you a quick-start, go to your grocery store or GNC type store and pick up some 5-HTP. Take 50mg mid afternoon, and another 50 mg mid evening. In a couple of days if you don't feel better, double the dose (but not more than that). Don't take 5-HTP if you are on Rx anti-depressants without consulting with your doc. 5-HTP is a natural amino acid. But, do get the book as it explains a lot of things and includes other things such as specific vitamins etc.

Not every supplement or Rx med works for everyone. You need to find what works for you.

 

I am not a fan either it seems like a way of avoiding dealing with the issue or a fake happy but made me think when he mentioned it as he seemed concerned and wants me to txt and email him my mood daily so he can track it which made me think I should be open to considering it.

I am trying to eat as well as possible and exercise frequently but caffeine and alcohol are in excess for sure since I don't sleep well and then feel like I need a couple drinks just to loosen up in the evening and a few coffee's to keep me going through the dayt but will try to find another outlet.

I will read up on 5-HTP I do prefer something more natural, I had sleep issues in the past and take something called GABA which is a natural Anti- Anxiety and it worked well for a number of years but does not help currently.

 

I dont want to be anyone but me and happy lol.

I keep reading this post its the 180 basically but I prefer the wording - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html just to clarify nothing to do with getting her back just to get past.

I think I have been holding on to the past and the good and still kept the bad and current at bay so need to focus on negatives.

I believe it was @farsidejunky who has commended on a thread somewhere about crazy being good in bed and its the truth I miss the sex a lot.

Regarding Limbo and R there is no hope for that my proceedings are moving fast and I am pushing to get everything in line so there are no delays for our final submission, it looks like early June will be my freedom date.

 

Don't band-aid the pain, rip it off. Eventually you will have to face it. Hit it head on.

Nobody wants to walk through pain and torment, no Fing one. But it will... set you free. I swear by it.

I hit my pain head on.... thank God I did. The rest of the D wait for final was a "bike ride in the park"

compared to before the rabbit hole drop. Avoid alcohol ..... unless you can drink to laugh and

"chill." If you drink to remember.... that is a dark path to the Dark Side.

After my DDay, I fasted with food two weeks and did not drink alcohol for that time either. I wanted to be

"in my zone." Then I resumed each....

 

Trying too. Problem with alcohol for me is I feel great at the time but the mornings are full of anxiety and depression if i cross over the slightly too many threshold.

I have a good night ahead of me but still feeling really down in the dumps, order the 5-HTP as recommended by @Thor and expecting it in on Tuesday so hoping that helps some with the downward swings.

Have a great weekend all

 

Drink for pleasure, not for pain. Huge difference.

If you wake up F'ed up.... try channeling your rage. Now THAT'S what I know way too much about.

Yay in a way, sad in another. Just the way it is....

 

After my mom died, and I was still crying daily after 6 months, my GP prescribed some Paxil for 6 months. She said that once you've been in a bad situation for an extended time, your body runs out of its own natural 'feel good' chemical. The Paxil is just for 'priming the pump' so to speak, to get your own chemicals flowing again. I had no side effects whatsoever; the only difference was that, after a few weeks, I stopped crying so much and stopped thinking about her so much. In other words, it just helped me get on with my life.

 

I guess that makes sense, I will see how the natural stuff works first and then if I can't snap out of it go talk about it again and see what the dr advices.

Thanks for the input.

 

Just need to rant.............

I just cant believe after 12 years its ending like this, no real conflict or arguing, plenty of good times, no abuse or cheating, no alcohol or drug addictions, no financial instability, she is in a better place financially and career wise now than she would have been due to contacts she made as a SAHM, regular holidays and trips away, I helped with everything around the house sometimes doing well over 50%, I never held her back or stopped her from doing anything so she has not missed out on things she had wanted to do, She 'needed' a new and bigger car, bigger house, more stuff to put in the house, etc. and we got it all and it ends with her speed divorcing me without any real discussion or chance to work on anything, she has rewritten history that 'we' have not been happy for a long long time and we need to move forward and put this all behind us

Weeks before we had the talk that started all this she was telling me and everyone else how happy she was!!!! It has just frustrated me so much and I really wish I understood the why's but I guess I will never get that answer and don't expect to but it still bugs me and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me if i am that disposable and worthless to her.

I was not perfect but am working on myself and over the last few months have really managed to come out of my shell again, more social and outgoing, less stressed and uptight, hobbies finally again and a group of friends I can go hang out with so not always just being who I was in the rut the financial provider and the guy who spent 100% of his time trying to do kid/family stuff and probably suffocating her.

I know logic tells me F her she is not worth anything if that is how she wants to do this and it doesn't matter that I can change because she would always find another problem but just the lack of emotion about it all which shows I did not really mean anything to her really really hurts mentally, I feel used and abused.

 

While I sympathize and understand how bloody frustrating all of that is, you are wasting tons of your mental energy on someone other than yourself. You need to change that and stop caring about her. She's not your problem or concern anymore. Re-channel your frustration into something productive, not mentally destructive.

 

Regarding "natural" supplements... you are kidding yourself if you believe that works better or differently that clinically tested medicines.

First, all drugs that have passed clinical trials and have been approved moved from "alternative therapy" to real medicines. The only ones that ever remain are those that have not been proven to be effective.

Second, most "natural" supplements are NOT regulated and when tested, often are NOT what is in the label. Many times weeds or common grasses and flowers (Google lab testing - even national chains' natural remedies failed)

Third of the actually DO work - then they ARE drugs and as such, should be given in clinically tested dosages and regulated.

I have cancer and believe me, many many fall victim to scams in an attempt to find a miracle cure. People believe doctors and pharmaceutical companies are evil empires suppressing cheap cures. I am on forums with medical researchers and compassionate doctors working tirelessly to find treatments and cures for my disease and others. These hard working people are the ones to educate us and I have learned to trust them

Find out about antidepressants from a qualified doctor and share your concerns. They will tell you what's up and direct you to literature if you ask


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

OK thanks for the input @TheTruthHurts, I am just not sure I have always been very skeptical of the pharmaceutical industry, have you seen the documentary Prescription Thugs? it is very interesting and worth a viewing. I will be consulting a professional if things don't pick up though as I cannot continue with my head full of fog and the inability to focus or concentrate on anything.

I am sorry about the Cancer I wish you the best.

 

"all his/her friends" is very common. What does that tell you moving forward?

 

Form my own Friendships and interests as an individual not as a couple

 

I remember the first time after she moved out when I watched a baseball game - a really good one - from beginning to end.

It felt so friggin' fantastic.

No one coming downstairs to see what I wasn't doing. The hair on the back of my neck actually would stand on end while I'd brace for the correction/nagging.

Screw that.

She's back now. I can watch any show I want. I can walk the dog because I want to. Go to a gym because it's my time.

Embrace your life - and live it.

You'll be surprised how attractive a man like this becomes.

The man with the plan.

You used to be him. In fact, you WERE him when you attracted her.

What pushed her away was the pathetic sycophantic wimp you became.

The domesticated chump who lived to put a smile on her face - and got the opposite result.

You'll actually begin to feel your testicles hanging again. Your tail won't be between your legs.

You'll be chasing someone else's.

 

Your W came back? I was a compete different person to who she met and it was like she pushed me into that and I allowed it but she did not like the end result.

 

The other side of the coin of forming your own circle of friends, would they be a friend of the marriage first if you met someone. Don't get buddies with players and individuals that are hostile to a marriage.

 

JohnA I will never be getting married again lol I think I can confidently say that at this point.