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Discussion starter · #181 ·
This whole thing is just so confusing, i cant imagine how all over the place your thoughts are man. Keep your chin up.

So she spent her time blaming you for all her unhappyness. Now I may be jaded so take what i say with a grain of salt but at some point she has to look in the mirror. If she isnt capable or willing to do that not much will change in my opinion. and you wont rebuild trust which i think is your concern?
No at this time it seems like I am the only problem and 100% responsible for everything, if that pattern continued I will obviously just terminate MC but expected it partially for a session or 2 until we dig a little deeper.

Not sure what you get out of 'Winning' in MC seems weird to care about that in my opinion.
 
I would not request that the divorce proceedings be delayed in any way shape or form.

What I would do is explain to her that she was the one that filed, and as far as I'm concerned, the divorce will suit me just fine unless she can make a compelling enough case for it not to be.

MF, you can see already this is going to be harder on her than it is on you. Never...Ever...Ever play brinkmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink.

I honestly don't think she is ready, but she's willing to take you over the cliff anyway, in order to punish you. The best thing you can do in this situation is convince her that you will go over the cliff if that's what she wants, but would prefer not to.

However, if she insists, you are willing to go off the cliff with her, but you won't hold on to her when your parachute opens.
 
Thanks he knew there was a filing but did not mention anything else, I will check if there is a way we can postpone things, I know I can apply for conciliation which suspends all proceedings for 60 days but need to look more into it all.
Since she filed initially, I think she has to be the one to stop it.

If she really wants to pursue MC, she needs to prove it by stopping the divorce. If she refuses to stop the legal process, then there's no point in MC, and you should continue to prepare yourself for post-divorce life.
 
Discussion starter · #184 ·
I would not request that the divorce proceedings be filed in any way shape or form.

What I would do is explain to her that she was the one that filed, and as far as I'm concerned, the divorce will suit me just fine unless she can make a compelling enough case for it not to be.

MF, you can see already this is going to be harder on her than it is on you. Never...Ever...Ever play brinkmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink.

I honestly don't think she is ready, but she's willing to take you over the cliff anyway, in order to punish you. The best thing you can do in this situation is convince her that you will go over the cliff if that's what she wants, but would prefer not to.

However, if she insists, you are willing to go off the cliff with her, but you won't hold on to her when your parachute opens.
You think that is the better way to go? I am just not sure if having the Divorce hanging over us during MC will be productive but I will give it some thought.

On a different note she just called me to complain that my work trip coming up at end of month which is mandatory conflicts with a concert she booked months ago and she had planned on going out in the day before etc. etc. and now she can't and its my fault.

Tried explaining that she wouldn't have ever being going out in the day since I would have been working regardless unless she had a babysitter and we have almost 2 weeks to call one of 6 babysitters to watch the children for 3-4 hours before I arrive home, then she had to go as she was too busy and did not have time to talk to me, this is a theme that comes up a lot in out marriage or soon to be former marriage.
 
"You filed for divorce. Any sort of negotiation about something like this is for people who are working on their marriage, not in the process of breaking it up. Will there be anything else?"

Do not let her have it both ways, MF.
 
As for the divorce proceedings, don't you see you are allowing her to eat cake? She gets to punish you through divorce, and she gets to punish you as if you are still remaining married.

Stop allowing that. Make it one or the other. If you are going to work on the marriage, the divorce gets taken off the table. If the divorce is not taken off the table, there will be no working on the marriage.
 
Discussion starter · #188 ·
"You filed for divorce. Any sort of negotiation about something like this is for people who are working on their marriage, not in the process of breaking it up. Will there be anything else?"

Do not let her have it both ways, MF.
Yeah I'm currently letting myself take the 'licks' from all over. :scratchhead: Glad I have a night out with some friends for St Patricks day tonight:grin2::grin2::smthumbup::yay:
 
Marriage counseling is done all the time for divorcing couples.

Therapy for Divorce, Divorce Counseling, Therapist for Divorce
You're talking about therapy to get through the trauma of divorce and the ending of a marriage (or at least the link is).

The OP is talking about MC to try to save the marriage.

Pretty sure those are different things.

The OP's wife has been all over the map recently. Halting the divorce process is something she should do on her end (and something I think the OP needs) to show that she is actually "all in" when it comes to the MC.
 
Discussion starter · #190 ·
You're talking about therapy to get through the trauma of divorce and the ending of a marriage (or at least the link is).

The OP is talking about MC to try to save the marriage.

Pretty sure those are different things.

The OP's wife has been all over the map recently. Halting the divorce process is something she should do on her end (and something I think the OP needs) to show that she is actually "all in" when it comes to the MC.
Yes she has to decide to halt but we both have to agree she cannot stop it on her own now since it has progressed too far.

I am curious on how she will take it when the court send a summons for us to go in and it gets real.

The Power plays still come in, if I am strong she loses it and can't cope and if I show weakness she becomes strong, it is so weird.
 
Yes she has to decide to halt but we both have to agree she cannot stop it on her own now since it has progressed too far.

I am curious on how she will take it when the court send a summons for us to go in and it gets real.

The Power plays still come in, if I am strong she loses it and can't cope and if I show weakness she becomes strong, it is so weird.
Don't mistake taking control for strength. It is often done out of fear. I think that likely applies to both of you.
 
Discussion starter · #192 ·
Don't mistake taking control for strength. It is often done out of fear. I think that likely applies to both of you.
From my side its more of a I suppress everything down and focus on other things and can function and be happy I'm not interested in a Power/Control war with her, if she see's me not broken down and just getting on with things and having fun then she starts to break down but if like last night in MC i show some emotion about the situation then it feeds her and she feels confident and in control again for a couple days.
 
You are way over analyzing things. It is filed and she got cold feet. Stop playing lifeguard and be an adult. You guys are already over the cliff, now you are deciding on which parachute to use. How often, until now, have you rushed to her rescue? I'm curious because you were warned about manipulation. Heck, you said she was making you the "bad guy." Now, you want to call it off and balked at FSJ's comment. None of us, you included, know what is a good idea in your case. I do know you aren't helping yourself by continually hoping on and off this ride.
 
Discussion starter · #195 ·
You are way over analyzing things. It is filed and she got cold feet. Stop playing lifeguard and be an adult. You guys are already over the cliff, now you are deciding on which parachute to use. How often, until now, have you rushed to her rescue? I'm curious because you were warned about manipulation. Heck, you said she was making you the "bad guy." Now, you want to call it off and balked at FSJ's comment. None of us, you included, know what is a good idea in your case. I do know you aren't helping yourself by continually hoping on and off this ride.

@phillybeffandswiss I didn't balk at FSJ's comment I appreciate and take into consideration all input I receive here, this forum is really the only outlet I have to put down thoughts/ideas and get advice. For me this is not a simple decision to make, my mind is all over the place and I feel the need to constantly reevaluate because things are just all over the place.

I do know I have got a lot of work still to do but have made plenty of progress also over the last few months since all this hit out of nowhere(at least on my side)
 
@phillybeffandswiss I didn't balk at FSJ's comment I appreciate and take into consideration all input I receive here, this forum is really the only outlet I have to put down thoughts/ideas and get advice. For me this is not a simple decision to make, my mind is all over the place and I feel the need to constantly reevaluate because things are just all over the place.

I do know I have got a lot of work still to do but have made plenty of progress also over the last few months since all this hit out of nowhere(at least on my side)
You do need to see both sides, but you keep creating scenarios to remain in the passenger seat in this divorce. You do realize your wife is currently in another car and you are driving your own car from the passengers seat? You are still describing it as an us scenario. Right now it is you vs her. You can try to work on things, but it is still you vs her. It is right there in your paperwork. I didn't tell you stop MC, not to reconcile or hurry up. I said stop over analyzing everything.

As to "balk"
You think that is the better way to go? I am just not sure if having the Divorce hanging over us during MC will be productive but I will give it some thought.
She filed and wanted the divorce, you obviously did not. You are hesitating to do what FSJ suggested, saying it will not be productive, I used the word balk instead. You can still appreciate comments and balk at implementing the idea. Oh and I never implied anything was easy or simple.
 
Discussion starter · #197 ·
You do need to see both sides, but you keep creating scenarios to remain in the passenger seat in this divorce. You do realize your wife is currently in another car and you are driving your own car from the passengers seat? You are still describing it as an us scenario. Right now it is you vs her. You can try to work on things, but it is still you vs her. It is right there in your paperwork. I didn't tell you stop MC, not to reconcile or hurry up. I said stop over analyzing everything.

As to "balk"
She filed and wanted the divorce, you obviously did not. You are hesitating to do what FSJ suggested, saying it will not be productive, I used the word balk instead. You can still appreciate comments and balk at implementing the idea. Oh and I never implied anything was easy or simple.
I thought you were referring to another comment, yes you are right the over analyzing needs to stop I am working on it, I think I feel like I am doing OK but my writing shows otherwise. I'm just a confused, slightly scared and a little emotionally broken down, this is a situation i never saw myself in and since i have spent the last few years neglecting a social life and have no other family in this country my W was my go to person so it is very lonely and hard at times and this makes it hard to make the hard and firm decisions for me.
 
Your MC described you as a text book example. What text books? Seriously what text books was he citing? What are his professional qualifications? What writings would he cite as being relevant? If you can not answer these questions bail.

Your wife is either a begining stage WAW or a WW (either EA or PA) at this point.

What are the hidden objections?
 
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Discussion starter · #199 ·
Your MC described you as a text book example. What text books? Seriously what text books was he citing? What are his professional qualifications? What writings would he cite as being relevant? If you can not answer these questions bail.

Your wife is either a begining stage WAW or a WW (either EA or PA) at this point.

What are the hidden objections?
Not sure what text book her was referring to I didn't ask honestly, he is highly regarded in our State(not sure if that means anything)

I am not sure what you mean on the hidden objections?
 
I thought you were referring to another comment, yes you are right the over analyzing needs to stop I am working on it, I think I feel like I am doing OK but my writing shows otherwise. I'm just a confused, slightly scared and a little emotionally broken down, this is a situation i never saw myself in and since i have spent the last few years neglecting a social life and have no other family in this country my W was my go to person so it is very lonely and hard at times and this makes it hard to make the hard and firm decisions for me.
I have to find a thread for you. I think you may have read it, but it sounds like where you could head. The guy kept reading into everything his wife did, went down the same path as you and I actually left the thread because he wanted reconciliation so bad he was accepting all the blame for everything. He felt I was being antagonistic.

Your situation is different, but you remind me of him. No, it didn't end well. Although, now I realize MC is what you may need to see the truth. This is where he received his wake up call.
 
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