Different from couples to couples. Do whatever work for you, like there a saying, let your freak flag fly.

I can only talk about me and my husband dynamic.

My husband is 100% dominant, does 100% of the work in bed, he ride his high by pleasure me, gives me multiple vaginal orgasms, till I can't take it anymore and beg him to stop due to I get so drain out of the multiple vaginal orgasms that after he done with me I can't even find myself stay awake afterwards that how drain my body from the vaginal orgasms.

He likes sex go by his impulse out of his desire for me, like he would just stare and stare at me and then sex will happen. Or out of no where he could walk into our bedroom take off his dress shirt, and pin me down the bed (sex happens) or hell, we does in on our bedroom carpet too, not just on our bed.

He can like it a little rough, the type that push me down the bed, one hand pin my wrist down the bed, and one hand pin my shoulder, and went on pounding me dominant like that.

Don't get me wrong, I love it, I vaginally orgasms to the point of throbbing so I love love it. I let him show his dominance 100% his ways, and I have my safe word (it our deceased child name). When I can't take it anymore I will say our safe word.

One thing I can't stress enough, we both respect each other bodies and boundaries. I have to respect his body too, if the role was reverse to female there would be an uproar, so men has the rights to their body too. I will give examples:

He has zero problem with go down on me, and I enjoy it, but ofcourse I want intercourse more.

He however only want my vagina (the PinV sex), he does not want my mouth as in oral, he said that just how his mindset work, he specific said, "he is the one with the penis so let him do the four letter f word that equal to the word pounding". I respect that. If he not want to receive oral, I can't force him.

He has every rights to his body. Remember this, if the role were reverse, there would be an uproar.

He doesn't anal, he only wants vaginally and I respect that too, if the role were reverse, there would be an uproar.

Me? I want even ROUGHER sex, like there times when I want him to take out the belt on his pants use the belt to hit me. But he flat out said No, he said he has his "limits" and this is his limits, dominant me, give me vaginal orgasms till I beg him to stop he will do, but inflicting pain on me? No. It stop there. He has his limits he said.

My point is, with dominant and submission, you just have to respect each others bodies, know each others limit in bed, when your spouse is not comfortable do something, you can't force them. Male or female regardless of gender. I can't force him, there would be an uproar if the role were reverse.

 

So you are happy with dom/sub? It seems to be the norm.

As it turns out... dom/dom is errr, awkward. Its kinda embarrassing, however we surprisingly found a way around it.

The issue was, we are both sexually dominant, in a very similar way. Not physically. We both find our pleasure from making our partner surrender through arousal and teasing. Except at the same time we both don't want to lose control, we enjoy the power it gives us. It actually made foreplay fun but the actual sex errr surprisingly... not so much. I was frustrated and eventually turned off.

Has anyone encountered something similar? Is this why people tend to be dom/sub in general? We managed to overcome it I guess by what people call switching? It took some communication though, honestly surprised we survived the awkward initial attempts. We are good now but I never actually encountered anything like this.

 

The issue was, we are both sexually dominant, in a very similar way. Not physically. We both find our pleasure from making our partner surrender through arousal and teasing. Except at the same time we both don't want to lose control, we enjoy the power it gives us. It actually made foreplay fun but the actual sex errr surprisingly... not so much. I was frustrated and eventually turned off.

I can relate to this. Maybe 90-95% similar on this. As I see it, the biggest challenge my wife and I have is that she is almost 100% vanilla and she might be close to being Asexual.

 

I am VERY happy, like I said, during sex I throb over and over from vaginal orgasms he gives me. As a woman, what else can I love more than the pleasure of vaginal orgasms? I love love it. Without him I wouldn't know what that pleasure. I can't thank him enough.

We don't switch. I am naturally submissive, and he naturally dominant. We just being ourselves. That is why we married to each others and still together for 14 years, I'm with him since he was 25 and now he 39, so 14 years. If you not sexually compatible you can't be together this long, especially with no kids, it not like he staying with me because of the kids.

Whatever work for you RandomDude with your girlfriend, it does take alot communication though. Tell each others what you want and not want, and respect each others bodies (I can't stress this enough).

btw, if you want more freedom no sensor talking about this topic, I suggest you should come to the BDSM forums. I'm actually in a BDSM forum, I have a thread up in there about my husband, our dynamic is he what BDSM they call him a "Pleasure Dom" Dom as in dominance, Pleasure Dom as in he get turn on and get off by pleasure his Fem (in this case me, the wife).

You can Google the word "Pleasure Dom" that describe my husband exactly. Haha we kinky as f, lol.

There no right or wrong, in this case it 2 grown butt adults and strictly monogamous. It just it what work for us sexually and let us be our natural selves, it what get me to love him, and him he get to be his natural primal self.

 

what is dominance / submission to you?

Just words. If you are familiar with BDSM, one of the common complaints is "topping from the bottom." There are lots of folks who role play. There are lots of folks who like to play submissive roles at times, but only in certain circumstances and actually control the scene ahead of time. They aren't submissive and their partner is not dominant.

Personally, neither dominance nor submission are my thing. I believe that in a long term marriage everything needs to be negotiated and mutually agreed upon. If it is not, at some point in time, one of the partners will get tired and want to stop "the game/relationship."

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a little role playing and power exchange, but to make it the basis of a long term relationship, would be far more difficult than I could handle. Others may make it work. Others may define it in ways to limit its scope to just parts of their relationship. If it works for others that is fine and I wish them the best of happiness. But for me, they are just words and not part of my culture or marriage.

 

everything needs to be negotiated and mutually agreed upon

I find myself wondering about this. Wife and I have never stopped being sexually active since we married (35 years). For many of those years, this is how I looked at sex... a negotiated , cooperative venture. But over last 6-7 years, I'm changing views. Once I really got going with lifting weights (I was a cardio guy), I noticed the dynamic with wife changed. She was never handsy. Now, she touches me constantly. I happened to read an article in the Bad Girls bible online that laid out some dom/sub types. My wife is exceptionally assertive - left brained - math engineering type. Mrs. Spock so to speak. It never ever would have occurred to me that she could possibly be submissive. But that article laid out a type called a bedroom submissive. Someone who wants the male to just take all the responsibility and run the show. That , it turns out is my wife. Not labelign her behind her back; we've subsequently discussed and she agrees. She wants to turn off her brain when it comes to sex and just ride the wave. My job...is provide the wave. So now, here I am the nerd...but with a lot more muscles and rock hard abs (No six pack sadly) telling her (not yelling or ordering) what we will be doing, where , how, with what toys. I invent scenarios (I borrowed scrubs the other weeks and made a McSteamy tag. It's outrageously silly. But guess who went along with it). We are having just bang up sex. So I'm suspecting that some folks have a type and are happier running with that type overall.

 

Hmmm, interesting, I never got past all the weird leather outfits, whips and spikes with BDSM. I just googled it and found a site interesting until they started suggesting feathers and really weird looking toys errr... 😅

Still, based on this:

'Differentiating Pleasure Dominance from Traditional BDSM Roles

Sadists vs. Pleasure Doms: While sadists enjoy inflicting pain upon their partners for sexual arousal, pleasure dominants focus primarily on providing pleasurable sensations without causing discomfort.

Masters/Mistresses vs. Sensual Doms: Masters and Mistresses typically assert authority through discipline and punishment; whereas sensual doms prioritize their sub's satisfaction over exerting control in these ways.

Dominant/Submissive vs. Giver/Receiver: Traditional dominant/submissive roles involve one person asserting power over another; however, giver/receiver dynamics emphasize mutual enjoyment with less emphasis on hierarchy or submission.'

Exploring Pleasure Dominance: BDSM Techniques & Dynamics

Discover the world of being a pleasure dom with our comprehensive guide, exploring techniques, dynamics, and communication for a fulfilling experience.

erosmental.com

Guess I'm pleasure dom and she's sensual dom

 

Hmmm, interesting, I never got past all the weird leather outfits, whips and spikes with BDSM. I just googled it and found a site interesting until they started suggesting feathers and really weird looking toys errr... 😅

Sadly that is the stereotype of BDSM, but it is so much more. And a lot also depends on what you want to consider pain in some aspects. For me hot wax play isn't painful at all, especially the way we do it. Plus if he wax is going on sore muscle spots, the heat helps. BDSM, as I have mentioned before, has become an umbrella term for all kinds of kink/fetish. Tickling is a good example. No real pain there. Rope play also usually don't involve pain unless it was specifically planned for. And role playing is always a great fall back play.

 

Ok I googled "pleasure dom and sensual dom couple" but found nothing.

 

RandomDude, BDSM I can help, take this long BDSM test, it will give you an answer into what type you are. BDSMTest: The Original BDSM & Kink Test
And paste me your result after.

This is my Husband result.
Husband test result:
Results Summary:
100% Dominant
100% Vanilla
79% Master
73% Primal (Hunter)
54% Owner
And the rest is 0% so there nothing to paste, all 0% of the rest of the list.
He has a VERY specific taste in sex.

It works for us, he naturally Dominant, I'm naturally submissive, I like dominant men, it what turn me on, and he turn me on. I wouldn't have married him if he was not dominant. I say many times in my post, as a woman I can't love a man who I don't respect. And I have great respect for him. strength of character, intensity level, 6 planets all Conjunction in Scorpio too hahaha.

Like I say, whatever float your boat. Whatever work for you and your partner.

 

RandomDude, BDSM I can help, take this long BDSM test, it will give you an answer into what type you are. BDSMTest: The Original BDSM & Kink Test
And paste me your result after.

This is my Husband result.
Husband test result:
Results Summary:
100% Dominant
100% Vanilla
79% Master
73% Primal (Hunter)
54% Owner
And the rest is 0% so there nothing to paste, all 0% of the rest of the list.
He has a VERY specific taste in sex.

It works for us, he naturally Dominant, I'm naturally submissive, I like dominant men, it what turn me on, and he turn me on. I wouldn't have married him if he was not dominant. I say many times in my post, as a woman I can't love a man who I don't respect. And I have great respect for him. strength of character, intensity level, 6 planets all Conjunction in Scorpio too hahaha.

Like I say, whatever float your boat. Whatever work for you and your partner.

While this is one of the better tests (at least it was designed by people with a clue, unlike many other online test of whatever ilk), never rely on such things. They are very subjective and many of the questions fall under rule 2. I once took the test 3 times, once a week for three weeks. Different results each time, although most things in the top stayed there, and same with the bottom, just in varying orders and percentages. But they are great conversation starters when exploring. I still recommend the play lists for more in depth exploration.

 

The issue I'm having seems to be more of preference, guess it's like both wanting to be 'on top', but not physically, and for different reasons, it seems to be a mental incompatibility.

We aren't 'traditional doms' either, and when we discussed it, we didn't mention BDSM/dom/sub at all, language we used was different, based simply on what we like, prefer etc. At the same time, it seems to be a unique obstacle.

Not saying it isn't enjoyable, and good sex isn't all about this, we are now quite 'in sync' with our pacing and timings, along with understanding of each other's bodies and desires... mostly. The latter, this, being rather difficult to discuss due to the sheer effort and vulnerability she puts into it.

It's hard to say that I don't like it when not only does she put in such effort she's enjoying it too so I don't want to ruin it for her at the same time it's not as enjoyable for me.

 

Oh hey I remember this test, looks I got different results from last time.

Hahaha don't know if I can take this seriously or how it would help but it's funny.

Last year:

https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/bdsmtest-org.451283/post-20707606

 

Well that was scary. Good night folks.😋

 

Brat tamer cracks me up 🤭

 

Where can I find one of those 🤣😇

 

Maybe this will change again if ever find a new mate. Doubt it.

 

So our barbarian is a voyeuristic switch primal hunter and you are a bratty submissive rope bunny 🤭

 

I'm wondering if I should take the quiz.

 

I took it very tired and it was somewhat alarming.🤣

 

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
94% Switch
86% Vanilla
64% Submissive
63% Dominant
60% Master/Mistress
57% Rigger
45% Brat
44% Exhibitionist
40% Voyeur
39% Slave
33% Primal (Prey)
32% Experimentalist
28% Brat tamer
27% Primal (Hunter)
25% Owner
17% Non-monogamist
13% Degrader
11% Pet
6% Rope bunny
4% Sadist
0% Ageplayer
0% Daddy/Mommy
0% Degradee
0% Boy/Girl
0% Masochist

Yeah, BDSM isn't for me. My results wouldn't even have been that high if I hadn't been trying to answer in terms of hypothetical fantasies and role-playing.

 

Either way, seems no one has a solution for dom/dom incompatibilities 😔

Guess maybe this is something we just have to explore ourselves, while we are still together at least...

 

Nice test. I do have a few discrepancies with the results, but oh well.

Results Summary (taken 2024-02-07)
	86%		Dominant	More info
	76%		Master/Mistress	More info
	68%		Rigger	More info
	60%		Experimentalist	More info
	60%		Brat tamer	More info
	58%		Switch	More info
	56%		Sadist	More info
	56%		Owner	More info
	53%		Voyeur	More info
	51%		Vanilla	More info
	51%		Degrader	More info
	49%		Submissive	More info

 

I took it very tired and it was somewhat alarming.🤣

I took it. Not really accurate

Well..no use me taking it. No need to be alarmed about something that's inaccurate.

 

LoL. Some of the questions activated my ick reflex.😉

 

wth is rope bunny...

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Switch
82% Rope bunny
71% Dominant
66% Submissive
63% Vanilla
62% Rigger
43% Primal (Prey)
39% Experimentalist
36% Primal (Hunter)
27% Brat tamer
9% Owner
9% Masochist
8% Master/Mistress
3% Brat
3% Degrader
3% Degradee
3% Sadist
3% Slave
1% Exhibitionist
1% Voyeur
0% Ageplayer
0% Daddy/Mommy
0% Boy/Girl
0% Non-monogamist
0% Pet

 

wth is rope bunny...

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Switch
82% Rope bunny
71% Dominant
66% Submissive
63% Vanilla
62% Rigger
43% Primal (Prey)
39% Experimentalist
36% Primal (Hunter)
27% Brat tamer
9% Owner
9% Masochist
8% Master/Mistress
3% Brat
3% Degrader
3% Degradee
3% Sadist
3% Slave
1% Exhibitionist
1% Voyeur
0% Ageplayer
0% Daddy/Mommy
0% Boy/Girl
0% Non-monogamist
0% Pet

It apparently means you like to be tied up 🤭

And wow 100% switch lol no wonder you are happy with switching (like duh) lol

Mine is... 19% 😔

 

Absolutely agree.

My wife and I are still trying to figure out how to make it work between us. Just this week we both agreed that we probably should try talking to a councilor again. Twenty three years and we still have not got it figured out.

It's hard to make it work without the desire, unsure how to deal with asexuality. For me and ms piper the desire is there but how we get off one of us has to give in for the other to maximise enjoyment and it's like magnets, same ends repel. So we take turns flipping but I dunno, still just doesn't seem ideal.

My wife and I do a bit of both...There are times that I like when she is dom and will push me down or back and take advantage when jumping on top of me. There are times that she likes when I am the aggressor as well and there are times when she will start out being dom but then we switch roles part way through. Quite a bit tends to depend on the mood. If she is the one initiating the sex, she will be more dom right from the start. I would say my favorite would be when I tease her enough to get her going and then pretend and tell her, nah, I'll just play with you tonight and I'll be good and control myself....then it seems to become a "challenge" for her get me off..

I guess switching is the best we can hope for huh? It's just weird having these sexual compatibility issues even if the desire and attraction is there.

 

It's hard to make it work without the desire, unsure how to deal with asexuality. For me and ms piper the desire is there but how we get off one of us has to give in for the other to maximise enjoyment and it's like magnets, same ends repel. So we take turns flipping but I dunno, still just doesn't seem ideal.



I guess switching is the best we can hope for huh? It's just weird having these sexual compatibility issues even if the desire and attraction is there.

Just to give an example of our switching: Say my wife initiates that night and starts being the dom one, then after awhile of messing around, she might say to me, "Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it!" Thats pretty much my Q to over power her to what I would want to do. Now she will struggle, lightly but then we switch. Same thing if I start out as the dom one, at some point I might say the same thing and then she will try and over power me and I let her struggle before giving in... For us, its fun and we enjoy yet. There are also times that neither of us are dom and we just have vanilla sex I guess...

 

A lifestyle that is apart from anything I'm interested in.

 

Just to give an example of our switching: Say my wife initiates that night and starts being the dom one, then after awhile of messing around, she might say to me, "Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it!" Thats pretty much my Q to over power her to what I would want to do. Now she will struggle, lightly but then we switch. Same thing if I start out as the dom one, at some point I might say the same thing and then she will try and over power me and I let her struggle before giving in... For us, its fun and we enjoy yet. There are also times that neither of us are dom and we just have vanilla sex I guess...

I like how for you guys it progresses and switches naturally and smoothly without issue. For us it's when we both want the same thing at the same time that it becomes an issue, I take the initiative to submit but it's just... >.<

Maybe it's more a problem I have than what she has because it's me who takes the initiative to submit?

Also our dominance/submission isn't physical, it's mental. In fact, I consider when I lose control and tap into my more primal side, that's submission to her wiles. Our game starts non-sexual hence the foreplay can be very intense and throughout the week with texts and flirts and teases. I just wish I can maintain that intensity and standard not just in foreplay but when we do the deed.

Now THAT is more to my interest.

Yes, it's more than just whips and funny looking toys 🤭

 

I like how for you guys it progresses and switches naturally and smoothly without issue. For us it's when we both want the same thing at the same time that it becomes an issue, I take the initiative to submit but it's just... >.<

Maybe it's more a problem I have than what she has because it's me who takes the initiative to submit?

Does she ever take that initiative? Or is it just sometimes that you overpower her without her giving in? Is that maybe some of the problem? She should be giving in some as well. It's needs to be a trade off kind of deal, even if not on a one for one exchange

Also our dominance/submission isn't physical, it's mental. In fact, I consider when I lose control and tap into my more primal side, that's submission to her wiles. Our game starts non-sexual hence the foreplay can be very intense and throughout the week with texts and flirts and teases. I just wish I can maintain that intensity and standard not just in foreplay but when we do the deed.

All D/s is mental/emotional. It's a power exchange. I can do a flogging scene with one of my wives, and I'm domming her at that time. I could also do a flogging scene with someone at a play party, and without the power exchange agreed upon, I'm just topping them. That's part of where the same words can be roles or actions. I've done an entire D/s scene with one girl and never once did the clothes come off, nor did we actually engage in any specific plays such as rope or flogging or anything else. She spent most of the day just waiting on me. What you do is different from the context that you do it in.

 

Either way, seems no one has a solution for dom/dom incompatibilities 😔

..... I derive pleasure from a woman losing control and submitting to me mind body and soul.

.....I'm already having problems with someone who wants the same thing but wants me to submit to her wiles instead, let alone someone who won't even play.....

I guess switching is the best we can hope for huh? It's just weird having these sexual compatibility issues even if the desire and attraction is there.

I am a big fan of Dr. David Schnarch and his thoughts on relationships. They are often quite controversial. As to dom/dom incompatibility, you might want to read and study his book Intimacy and Desire. Focus on learning how to calm your heart or self-soothe to relax, while in the presence of your lover. Then learn how to emotionally differentiate. Schnarch believes that to have intense intimacy you need to learn how to calm yourself and become vulnerable to your partner. Though some of the exercises in the book you and your FB or SO can learn to go from dom/dom sex to perhaps learning how both can become vulnerable in the search for intense intimacy and emotional connection.

Another big topic you might want to explore is aftercare and its role in BDSM. If someone is blissed-out and in sub-space, they need time, support, praise, reassurance, and care to come back to the real world. It is possible that you both might need different flavors of aftercare or to develop an aftercare post-lovemaking ritual that give you both what you need.

 

I am a big fan of Dr. David Schnarch and his thoughts on relationships. They are often quite controversial. As to dom/dom incompatibility, you might want to read and study his book Intimacy and Desire. Focus on learning how to calm your heart or self-soothe to relax, while in the presence of your lover. Then learn how to emotionally differentiate. Schnarch believes that to have intense intimacy you need to learn how to calm yourself and become vulnerable to your partner. Though some of the exercises in the book you and your FB or SO can learn to go from dom/dom sex to perhaps learning how both can become vulnerable in the search for intense intimacy and emotional connection.

Another big topic you might want to explore is aftercare and its role in BDSM. If someone is blissed-out and in sub-space, they need time, support, praise, reassurance, and care to come back to the real world. It is possible that you both might need different flavors of aftercare or to develop an aftercare post-lovemaking ritual that give you both what you need.

The whole thing is so hard to get my head around really, and we have made strides since our initial awkward encounters. I still remember I gave up and I thought that was it, we were always on the verge anyway, but we kept going. As much as I can calm myself and submit, I guess I just don't really enjoy it as I should. I just do it to make her happy. The whole dynamic of taking turns isn't the same as when someone is naturally submissive and the sex goes from start to finish so naturally with arousal progressively reaching its climax instead of ups and downs.

Gah it's so hard to explain, it's new ground for me too. Might check out the book.

 

I just meant ....in the bedroom. Wife and I simply move in the same orbit outside the bedroom. We don't dominate much because we are so independent of each other. I cook for myself, do my own laundry, buy my own clothes, provide my own transportation, get my own lunch, etc etc. She does the same. I don't do her laundry , for example. Where we have a shared investment - like the house...or kids....we divvy up work as needed. Our interactions are often mostly for fun. It's like perpetual dating But I brought that "let's divvy up the work load" mentality to the bedroom for years. It worked ok, but she is plainly happier, more giggly, more girly since we've agreed that I'm in charge of our Bed room activities. I think one evening I even had a clip board and tag with "intimacy coordinator" on it. I read off our planned activities like Julie McCoy (who is old enough for that reference??). She loved it. It's not role playing in that she has to play any role. What she likes is that I pick and play a role - or pick our positions. Have to admit, gives me a bit of a charge when I just point to spots on the bed and she rushes to them. I suspect it's a deep under the evolutionary hood thing.

 

I read off our planned activities like Julie McCoy (who is old enough for that reference??).

For the record, I'm Issac, and not Gopher.

 

She's not long term. Furthermore we have the connection and sensuality it's only when everything cumulates that this becomes an issue, not always though. I don't want to bring it up with her as an issue either, because it's not, she has been very flexible and we made it work. Also don't want to give her premature excuses to end it either. Also know at the back of my mind that sometimes I'm faking it when I prefer she would just let me take the lead.

But maybe that's all we can do, and maybe it's just going to take time to have a better rhythm.

 

She's not long term. Furthermore we have the connection and sensuality it's only when everything cumulates that this becomes an issue, not always though. I don't want to bring it up with her as an issue either, because it's not, she has been very flexible and we made it work. Also don't want to give her premature excuses to end it either. Also know at the back of my mind that sometimes I'm faking it when I prefer she would just let me take the lead.

But maybe that's all we can do, and maybe it's just going to take time to have a better rhythm.

So are you vetting another as you know this will end?

 

When a topic like his comes up, most people tend to think in terms of BDSM, so one of the first things I turn to is a part of my 101 class which I call the 2 Rules of BDSM. Honestly, they apply to pretty much all of life.
Rule 1: Consent is mandatory
Rule 2: With the exception of rule 1, there is no one true way.

I usually give as an example, of while most can agree on Dominant and Master/Mistress as separate roles within BDSM, the idea of where the line that separates them is all over the place. There is no universal agreement. The same can be said for how a lot of things are viewed.

As for dominance and submission, those labels can be also used outside the context of BDSM. Within BDSM, the idea is usually one about power exchange and control, the holding of responsibility over another. It can be for he session or long term. Outside the context of BDSM, dominance is usually about being the assertive one, while submissive is usually being more passive.

I did see, skimming through that there were other questions. I'll address them as I go through the thread.

 

I’m pretty much to each his own on sexual fulfillment or happiness. If they want to take turns being master and slave, or both act like big babies and wear diapers, or dress up like super heroes or cowboys and Indians, if their happy 😁 that beats unhappiness.