I am at my wit’s end and need some help to assess what is going on in my marriage and what I should do about it. My wife’s behavior over the past three or four months has been very strange and erratic. She has a stressful professional job and works 10 hours a day, but she is successful at it, and I have seen no signs of any professional trauma. There are also no obvious other bad things happening in her life that I can see – no problems with friends or family.
We have been married for two years. She is 38 and I am 47, first marriage for her and second marriage for me. We don’t have any kids. Fortunately, we don’t have any major financial or health or family issues to deal with.
We used to get along wonderfully. She was so sweet and thoughtful and supportive. I tried to be the same. We were so into each other. We rarely fought, always made up. We had what I thought was a fulfilling sex life.
Move forward a year, and although I don’t think I have changed, she sure has. I don’t recognize her any more: she is moody, not so affectionate, and gets angry at me for no apparent reason at all. For example, last week we were installing two new major appliances at home, the tags for which state should be installed by a professional for reasons of safety and warranty. She wanted to get out the tool box and install them ourselves. I said calmly that we should probably not do it ourselves but press the installer a little harder to come back next week. She blew up, calling me all kinds of names like slow and lazy and she hates people who don’t take initiative. Clearly she has some bigger issue here because I am anything but slow and lazy and lack initiative – but I do prefer to be methodical and do things properly. But this is an example of how I can’t seem to do anything right any more.
She says she can’t talk to me any more. When I say let’s sit down and talk now, or sleep together and talk tomorrow, or go away for the weekend somewhere quiet where we can talk, she dismisses this and tells me I “don’t know how to talk”. She then walks away coldly. I try to tell her that in “talking”, we both need to try to understand the other person’s perspective, whether we agree with it or not. She is always very judgmental of me and my situation. I don’t seem to be able to get a fair hearing.
There has been a double standard going on too for some time: she can come home from work very late without calling, but if I am an hour delayed because of a client call, she gets angry. She talks frequently on the phone during dinner without apology, but if I once a week need to send an urgent e-mail, she gets up from the table in a huff.
I think she is a bit of a control freak. We went away for a weekend to another city and spent much of it with some of her friends there. (They are nice people, so I don’t have any problem with that.) But when I want to have my friends over for dinner, she protests about the inconvenience. It’s like I only get one time a month to socialize. (She is very pleasant and charming when we do, but it sometimes seems like an act rather than a desire.)
Last night, she came home late, walked right by me (when I had my outstretched arms open for hug), took a shower and went to bed. She turned her back to me. I gave her a hug and asked what was wrong and she said “nothing”.
That’s when the light went on in my head. I connected the ugly recent dots. She has been very secretive with her cell phone and computer for the past few months. Two months ago, I observed a few too many calls with a certain male co-worker. When I commented on it, even half-jokingly saying I was a little “jealous”, she warmed up nervously -- and we had great sex that night. I checked the cell phone and there is no record any more of this guy calling, but there are two names of men whose names I hadn’t heard before and who call way too much, and out of business hours. I fear these are fake names for the same guy.
Last week, late in the evening, I came out of the bathroom half-way through my shower because I needed the new shampoo I had purchased. I overheard her on the cell-phone, talking in affectionate, hushed tones to someone. I didn't let on I had heard.
We left for work a little late yesterday in her car, and she had her personal cell phone on hands-free. One of the two "names" called (it was displayed on the dashboard) and she hung up twice, without answering. Minutes later, her business cell phone rang, and she pretended that the male caller was a formal business contact, but the info she gave him and the really quick sign-off suggests anything but. She didn’t say who it was but turned rapidly so sweet and nice to me (like old days), asking if we should “go out for dinner tonight”.
I am not a perfect man, but I have been a good and loving husband, and I deserve better than this. Her family and colleagues seem to like me a lot; I certainly do them. I have tried numerous times to get her to talk about “us” and how we can improve our marriage and communication, but it’s always about her – unless someone is at “fault”, in which case it’s all about me.
I don’t have any hard evidence about an affair, so nothing conclusive to confront her with. But my gut is screaming otherwise.
Even without the affair, this pattern of self-centered and controlling behavior is very distressing.
Anyone have any advice?
We have been married for two years. She is 38 and I am 47, first marriage for her and second marriage for me. We don’t have any kids. Fortunately, we don’t have any major financial or health or family issues to deal with.
We used to get along wonderfully. She was so sweet and thoughtful and supportive. I tried to be the same. We were so into each other. We rarely fought, always made up. We had what I thought was a fulfilling sex life.
Move forward a year, and although I don’t think I have changed, she sure has. I don’t recognize her any more: she is moody, not so affectionate, and gets angry at me for no apparent reason at all. For example, last week we were installing two new major appliances at home, the tags for which state should be installed by a professional for reasons of safety and warranty. She wanted to get out the tool box and install them ourselves. I said calmly that we should probably not do it ourselves but press the installer a little harder to come back next week. She blew up, calling me all kinds of names like slow and lazy and she hates people who don’t take initiative. Clearly she has some bigger issue here because I am anything but slow and lazy and lack initiative – but I do prefer to be methodical and do things properly. But this is an example of how I can’t seem to do anything right any more.
She says she can’t talk to me any more. When I say let’s sit down and talk now, or sleep together and talk tomorrow, or go away for the weekend somewhere quiet where we can talk, she dismisses this and tells me I “don’t know how to talk”. She then walks away coldly. I try to tell her that in “talking”, we both need to try to understand the other person’s perspective, whether we agree with it or not. She is always very judgmental of me and my situation. I don’t seem to be able to get a fair hearing.
There has been a double standard going on too for some time: she can come home from work very late without calling, but if I am an hour delayed because of a client call, she gets angry. She talks frequently on the phone during dinner without apology, but if I once a week need to send an urgent e-mail, she gets up from the table in a huff.
I think she is a bit of a control freak. We went away for a weekend to another city and spent much of it with some of her friends there. (They are nice people, so I don’t have any problem with that.) But when I want to have my friends over for dinner, she protests about the inconvenience. It’s like I only get one time a month to socialize. (She is very pleasant and charming when we do, but it sometimes seems like an act rather than a desire.)
Last night, she came home late, walked right by me (when I had my outstretched arms open for hug), took a shower and went to bed. She turned her back to me. I gave her a hug and asked what was wrong and she said “nothing”.
That’s when the light went on in my head. I connected the ugly recent dots. She has been very secretive with her cell phone and computer for the past few months. Two months ago, I observed a few too many calls with a certain male co-worker. When I commented on it, even half-jokingly saying I was a little “jealous”, she warmed up nervously -- and we had great sex that night. I checked the cell phone and there is no record any more of this guy calling, but there are two names of men whose names I hadn’t heard before and who call way too much, and out of business hours. I fear these are fake names for the same guy.
Last week, late in the evening, I came out of the bathroom half-way through my shower because I needed the new shampoo I had purchased. I overheard her on the cell-phone, talking in affectionate, hushed tones to someone. I didn't let on I had heard.
We left for work a little late yesterday in her car, and she had her personal cell phone on hands-free. One of the two "names" called (it was displayed on the dashboard) and she hung up twice, without answering. Minutes later, her business cell phone rang, and she pretended that the male caller was a formal business contact, but the info she gave him and the really quick sign-off suggests anything but. She didn’t say who it was but turned rapidly so sweet and nice to me (like old days), asking if we should “go out for dinner tonight”.
I am not a perfect man, but I have been a good and loving husband, and I deserve better than this. Her family and colleagues seem to like me a lot; I certainly do them. I have tried numerous times to get her to talk about “us” and how we can improve our marriage and communication, but it’s always about her – unless someone is at “fault”, in which case it’s all about me.
I don’t have any hard evidence about an affair, so nothing conclusive to confront her with. But my gut is screaming otherwise.
Even without the affair, this pattern of self-centered and controlling behavior is very distressing.
Anyone have any advice?
