Plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car, and get a keylogger for the computer, also there is more snooping software for her cell.

You diserve to know what is going on and privacy is for the bath room, there are no secrets in a marriage so there is nothing wrong with validating your wifes loyalty and respect.

She is cheating and you need to investigate and gather the proof needed to confront her and bring her affair to the light of day were she has no way out but to admit her affair and make the choice to stay married or move on.

With out the proof she will continue to deny and make you look like the bad guy. So quitely investigate her actions so you can have a confrontation that will be effective in dealing with the issue.

With this proof you can also expose the affair to others if she desides to continue in her affair. with out this proof she will rewrite your marriage again making you out to be the bad guy.

There is is alot to this infidelity crap, so start by going stealth and put together a solid game plan for the confrontation, b/c confrontation is one of the biggest steps in dealing with this.

Don't even talk to her about this....they (cheaters) all lie. Go about your day as normal and when she feels you have backed off on your suspicion, she will start to make more mistakes, there by giving you more oppertunity to get the proof you need for a confrontation.

Again with out the proof alls you will get is "we're just friend" or "it was just a joke". Remember you need the undeniable evidence for her to face the reality that she is about to lose her marraige if it continues.

#1 important thing to do is never beg for your marriage, it will only empower your wife and leave you looking weak. Show some confidence that you can move with out her and she will for sure second quess her choices.

 

My wife’s behavior over the past three or four months has been very strange and erratic.

We have been married for two years. She is 38 and I am 47, first marriage for her and second marriage for me. We don’t have any kids. Fortunately, we don’t have any major financial or health or family issues to deal with.

I see she married late, at 36 yrs old. You have no kids together and in good financial shape. But you have noticed a sudden change in behavior in the last 4 months.

Last night, she came home late, walked right by me (when I had my outstretched arms open for hug), took a shower and went to bed. She turned her back to me. I gave her a hug and asked what was wrong and she said “nothing”.

RED FLAG. Google signs of infidelity, and you will find this is a red flag. Often cheaters who have just come from a sexual tryst with their AP will come home and head straight to the shower.

That’s when the light went on in my head. I connected the ugly recent dots. She has been very secretive with her cell phone and computer for the past few months. Two months ago, I observed a few too many calls with a certain male co-worker. When I commented on it, even half-jokingly saying I was a little “jealous”, she warmed up nervously -- and we had great sex that night.

THREE RED FLAGS. Too many calls to an unknown number, guarding her cell phone and secret computer use.. She then gave you sex to throw you off the trail.

I checked the cell phone and there is no record any more of this guy calling, but there are two names of men whose names I hadn’t heard before and who call way too much, and out of business hours. I fear these are fake names for the same guy.

Because she thinks you suspect, she's now using an affair phone, which she already has a ready made one - her business cell phone. This is where there communications will be.

Last week, late in the evening, I came out of the bathroom half-way through my shower because I needed the new shampoo I had purchased. I overheard her on the cell-phone, talking in affectionate, hushed tones to someone. I didn't let on I had heard.

Not unusual, but taken in context with the other red flags, this does become suspicious behavior.

We left for work a little late yesterday in her car, and she had her personal cell phone on hands-free. One of the two "names" called (it was displayed on the dashboard) and she hung up twice, without answering. Minutes later, her business cell phone rang, and she pretended that the male caller was a formal business contact, but the info she gave him and the really quick sign-off suggests anything but. She didn’t say who it was but turned rapidly so sweet and nice to me (like old days), asking if we should “go out for dinner tonight”.

RED FLAG. Another sign of an affair. Receiving calls, but quickly hanging up when in your presence. Then fakes being nice to you to throw you off the track.

You have unwittingly found the way you are going to catch her. More on that later on.

I don’t have any hard evidence about an affair, so nothing conclusive to confront her with. But my gut is screaming otherwise.

Even without the affair, this pattern of self-centered and controlling behavior is very distressing.

Anyone have any advice?

1. Sudden change in behavior that started 4 months ago
2. Heading straight to the shower upon coming home
3. Secretive computer usage
4. Secretive phone usage
5. Calls to/from a strange number
6. Quickly hanging up cell phone in your presence

All the red flags point to an affair, most likely not just an EA, but a PA because of the red flag about heading straight to the shower. Since she has a business cell phone, the OM may be a coworker - the most common affair is the workplace affair.

Right now you don't have the evidence to confront. If you confront now, you will be gaslighted, made to think you're just crazy and jealous. Time to gather your evidence. Install computer monitoring software on the computer. This will allow you to obtain her passwords and find out what's going on with the OM, possibly how often they have sex and how long its been going on. Here's some good examples.

Best Computer Monitoring Software 2011 | Reviews, Ratings & More

Since she guards her cell phone and is probably using her work cell phone as the affair phone, you may not be able to install phone monitoring software. Here's some software IF you are able to access her phone:

Mobile Spy - Monitor SMS Text Messages, Call Info and GPS Locations on iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Windows Mobile and Symbian OS Smartphones. Spy Software for Monitoring your Cell Phone

MobiStealth | Mobile Spy Software, Cell Phone Spy Monitoring, GPS Location Tracking App For $39.99 | iPhone, Blackberry, Android, Symbian/Nokia Spyware

IF you aren't able to access her cell phone or her affair phone, then you will have to try a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). Like I said earlier, you stumbled on the way you are going to catch her. You can get a VAR, and stick it under her drivers seat in her vehicle with industrial strength velcro. If there is one place cheaters feel safe talking to their affair partners, its the vehicle. People in this forum have had good success with VARs. Here's some example of VARs

Philips - Voice Tracer Digital Voice Recorder - LFH061227

Walmart.com: Sony ICD-BX8112 Digital Flash Voice Recorder: iPods & MP3 Players

Its a bad sign that she's already cheating so early in the marriage. And she has already exhibited controlling tendencies. You need to find out exactly whats going on before DDay.

 

Get a VAR and stick it in her car.

The signs are there. She may be having an affair.

 

Trust your gut instinct. You KNOW. So, do something about it, actively, as discussed here. And as you're collecting the proof for your confrontation, build two plans -- one for working toward reconciliation, and one for going your separate ways. This way you've already thought through options and plans, and can be prepared for either response you may get from her. You'll also be prepared of you hear deal-breaker things you cannot accept, and be able to follow through methodically while under great duress and emotionally very angry.

Whatever happens upon confrontation -- do not beg or plead with her to stay with you, if that is what you want. You cannot make her stay, you can only offer the opportunity. Remember she will be in a fog, a high of chemical bodily reaction, will re-write your marital history, claim it is your fault, rug sweep, and/or attempt to play it off as nothing ("just friends"). Trust your evidence and your gut over anything that comes out of her mouth. Read all you can about the script, because you will experience some of it, guaranteed. And remember that cheaters lie, and liars will only admit to what they feel they must because they're caught... expect to NOT get the full truth for some time, if ever.

Search your soul for what you will do if it is infinitely worse story than you believe it to be. Know your options, and take care o yourself first & foremost.

Sorry you are here and now in the club we never wanted to belong to. You've got a tough road ahead either way -- good luck & stay strong.

 

I have an issue with keyloggers and VARs.
Suppose they gave you all the juicy details? Would it help?
Does the person using them think that what they already know is not cause for concern?
I simply am unable to see the benefit of going so far as to obtaining additional evidence. If one were to use the VAR to protect himself from a false temporary restraining order, thats another story.
But please please dont fall into the daily quagmire of bludgeoning yourself over further evidence.
It is what you expect it to be. Its a tall hurdle and you need to give yourself permission to walk around it if need be for your own health. Its freaking fly paper, and will stick you to a place you dont want to be.

The "whats next" is what to consider. A plan, once the issue is addressed with her, and what you will do about it all. Where will you go, shore up your finances, cover your bare spots.

It sure is a bad place to be in, and in one way or another we all have been there and are going thru it.
As much as I thought gathering more evidence was the key, i found myself with volumes of information and weeks of sickness about it all during and after, that I had already honestly known in the beginning.

 

S-
The thing is getting to the "issue". So many DS deny and minumize the affair, that IMO it's not about details, its about the proof that the WS is behaving inapproprete, and that the LS has enough information to justify their stance in ending the marriage if the affair continues.

Again its not about details, but once enough evidence is revealed that an affair is for sure occuring, then this information can first be used to confront, and if need be used for exposeure.

In addition the information gathered protects the LS spouse from looking like the bad guy from family and friends and inabling the DS to rewrite history.

I believe the right amount of proof/details helps make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue. It may or may not stop the affair, but it will for sure give the LS and others the knowledge that the one they love is in an unhealthy relationship and also guild others in supprting the marriage. Were as with out the proof some my believe to support the DS b/c the LS is such a bad person that the DS had to leave the marriage.

With proof you can expose the reality the marraige is getting destroyed by an affair, not some made up BS the DS spreads around.

 

Shoo, I think in the case of reconciliation it may be important in some cases to be a helpful measure of rebuilding some trust. It is also useful if the LS is still making assumptions about the extent of the affair. As for divorcing it may also be helpful in jurisdictions that don't fall under a no fault system, or in cases where infidelity may expedite the process in while the DS refuses to sign an affidavit of their adultery. But otherwise I agree with you that knowing the details may definitely hurt the BS' ego even more than necessary.

 

Thanks, everyone, for such prompt and thoughtful advice.

I really don't want to engage in espionage, nor do I want to generate pages of transcripts for some future hearing. And I certainly don't want to hear too many hurtful things about my marriage or about myself.

But as was pointed out above, I do want to know the basic truth about what is going on, so I can make some real and critical assessments and decisions. I can't live in this twilight zone for very long; it's hurting enough as it is.

Unfortunately, I have little confidence that my wife has the conscience to "come clean" with my mere triangulation of curious facts, "coincidences", etc. She will almost certainly tell me I am imagining things, I am jealous, I am blowing it out of proportion, etc. And I don't think a general, sincere declaration from me of "I love you, let's work on our marriage" will stop this train.

I will do some closer "observation" over the next week.

As for next steps, I'll start to think of them too, as Plan A and Plan B.

 

Unfortunately, I have little confidence that my wife has the conscience to "come clean" with my mere triangulation of curious facts, "coincidences", etc. She will almost certainly tell me I am imagining things, I am jealous, I am blowing it out of proportion, etc. And I don't think a general, sincere declaration from me of "I love you, let's work on our marriage" will stop this train.

I will do some closer "observation" over the next week.

As for next steps, I'll start to think of them too, as Plan A and Plan B.

If that's the case, then all you're going to get are denials and gaslighting. Your observation isn't going to amount to much unless you do some real investigating as I outlined above. She's already taken the affair underground. But that's up to you if you're too afraid to know the full truth. Oh, and Plan A hardly ever works. All it does is continue to validate their feelings and their affair and make you appear weak. See if you can find many stories here that shows if Plan A works.

 

I'll add to two very important things to look at. Check cell phone records and lok for repeating numbers. If you can get her phone long enough, download a copy of the address or contacts list. If she has an Iphone - google reading deleted texts iphone and textpad. Just remember the last backup sync is written over everytime the phone is synced so read the backup first then sync.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - whatever you find or however you find it DO NOT REVEAL EXACTLY WHAT YOU KNOW AND HOW YOU FOUND IT!!! If you do, she will block all of your access and shut down those methods. Check email accounts and facebook etc if you have access or do it after you get the passwords from a keylogger. I know yuo don't start keeping records, but remember as soon as you confront her, everything you see will disappear. Even though you probably can't use it in court if it gets ugly, her not knowing whether you ahve anything or not will make her more likely to be reasonable no matter which way it goes. You may also need to notify his spouse in wich case SOME proof prevents him from covering his tracks. It can also be helpful if your wife decides to reconcile (R) and this guy refuses to give up. You are now holding some significant cards to both protect her and shut him down. Think ahead my good man. You are not going into a war with your wife but you may be with him!

Last but not least, she may have other email accounts your not aware of and a pay as you go phone from a big box that you won't know about. You may want to check credit card statements for hotels and other purchases that don't make sense. Oneof the members here even had her husband give a loan to the other woman (OW or OM).

Protect yourself. Tehre is no doubt in anyones mind here she is in an affair. All of her behavior and actions say she is.

Keep us posted. Were here for you whether you decide to move on without her or reconcile. Follow your gut, not your heart.

 

Last but not least - I agree with Shooboomafoo on one thing. Do not delve into ALL the gory details when you confront. They create triggers and mental movies that make it harder to get through the trauma. You MUST be calm and contain your anager and what you say when you confront and for all the future if you hope to reconcile and not have it be even more difficult. She WILL lie to you and let out the truth slowly (trickle truth). She WILL give reasons for it as being your fault and the problems in the marriage until she can face herself and what she has done which takes a long time. If you feel yourself getting angry, take a time out for yourself before you run your mouth. ALWAYS - engage brain before mouth.

 

Thanks, 8yc. I will try to keep focused on what is important and do things in a measured way. It won't be easy, but I understand what you are saying.

It doesn't necessarily matter to the path forward, but I am utterly shocked by two things in her behavior:

1. How she can find such fault with me and our marriage. From my perspective, nothing had changed much since we met four years ago and got married two years ago. Sure, the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship faded as it always does, but I thought we were replacing that with a deeper, more profound love of living a happy life together. (Wrong!) I think I have been a good husband, tried to be attentive to her needs, always available to help and listen. Certainly we haven't suffered any marital trauma or turbulence before. How can she find -- and express -- such fault with me so suddenly? Am I not the same person she married? What's that all about?

From the fragments of emails and messages I have now seen, she is complaining to this guy about me, my real and supposed shortcomings, why she isn't happy. Naturally, that just emboldens them to spend more time together and get in league against me, "the bad guy". (As a semi-objective reading, this is just a conspiracy of the two of them -- her family and friends I know have been nothing but warm and friendly to me to date.) Surely she must realize that she is feeding a monster if she dishes on me in front of him.

If someone wakes up one day and decides s/he married the wrong person, isn't the decent and honorable thing to do to show some remorse, and make it less hard for the other person? I really would prefer to hear something like, "You are a great guy and I know you tried to be a good husband. I am sorry, but for whatever reason, this isn't working for me -- I need space and want to be single again. I hope you find someone who can commit more than I can. I feel awful about this and will try to make it as easy as possible on us." I wouldn't like that, of course, but it would be clear, show some responsibility and basic feeling, and respect for the person being let down. What she is doing is piling disrespect onto irresponsibility. I married this woman?

2. I shake my head at the amateurish, adolescent nature of this affair. Does she really think I won't notice her inattentive demeanor, frequent passive-aggressive conduct and furtive behavior? It's become screamingly obvious. It's almost like I don't exist, my needs/concerns don't matter a damn, while she's on some emotional trip that I am supposed to pay for but not participate in? She doesn't see how awfully transparent this is. What's that all about? Can't she even be smart about how she has an affair or manages the break-up, or whatever she's doing? Is she trying to provoke me? (I haven't bit, yet anyway.)

I have never been in this situation before and it is really sad and troubling. I know I might never get answers to these nagging questions, but I would like to try to understand what is going on so I can get my bearings and do the right thing, whatever that might be. Certainly I have to prepare myself for the realization that my marriage -- which I thought was so happy three months ago -- might be over.

 

You make perfect sense sir.

The person in the affair is truly mentally impaired by the chemicals playing in their brain due to the affair. The power of this is unbeleiveable. Defies all logic and even their sense of loyaly, right and wrong and love for their spouse. They can come out of it the wiser for it however. No always and probably not usually, but it can happen.

 

As you read more about how affairs happen and the dynamics of affairs, you will see that they follow a certain pattern.

It's a myth that affairs only happen in problematic marriages. Many times it's that the wayward spouse starts an innocent friendship that gradually crosses marital boundaries into the affair, the so-called slippery slope. It was nothing you did.

Another aspect is that the wayward spouse (her) begins to re-write the marital history in her head and she and her affair partner demonize you. This is so she can justify the affair to herself. They almost all do this.

Again, you could be the most perfect husband in the world, but if she is in the affair, she will literally invent things and see her marriage as terrible, just so she can justify her cheating in her mind.

The adolescent behavior you speak of is called being in the FOG of the affair. A very similar situation when teenagers fall head over heals in love with someone. This state of mind is fed by the secretive nature of the affair. That it's taboo. They get off on the thrill of sneaking around and deceiving you and others. While in the fog, they experience the endorphins secreted in the brain, and the rush. It's quite addictive, and because of this, they very rarely stop an affair on their own.

 

It's a myth that affairs only happen in problematic marriages. Many times it's that the wayward spouse starts an innocent friendship that gradually crosses marital boundaries into the affair, the so-called slippery slope. It was nothing you did.

Another aspect is that the wayward spouse (her) begins to re-write the marital history in her head and she and her affair partner demonize you. This is so she can justify the affair to herself. They almost all do this.

Again, you could be the most perfect husband in the world, but if she is in the affair, she will literally invent things and see her marriage as terrible, just so she can justify her cheating in her mind.

The adolescent behavior you speak of is called being in the FOG of the affair. .... They get off on the thrill of sneaking around and deceiving you and others. While in the fog, they experience the endorphins secreted in the brain, and the rush. It's quite addictive, and because of this, they very rarely stop an affair on their own.

Thanks for this. I am hardly perfect, but on the whole, I think I was a pretty darn good husband and companion to her. I was happy and in love. Maybe knowing that it's not a direct cause-and-effect situation will make the hurt sting a little less for me.

With regard to martial revisionism, I am aghast at the re-writing of our marriage that I think I am beginning to see here. I can understand how someone might look back and say, "That was a bit of a drag after all", or "I put up with more than I thought I would", but to denigrate a whole experience with someone you thought you loved as being horrible and stultifying or oppressive or whatever is so wrong, unfair, and insulting.

 

B-
You got some smart and cool dudes posting to your thread, thats for sure.
I just wanted to make a point about how screwed up the DS is and it also amazes me how they twist the sh~t out of everything just so they can sleep at night.

 

B-
You got some smart and cool dudes posting to your thread, thats for sure.

I sure do! Thanks to everyone! I am feeling slightly less horrible about all this because you're there! (How's that for a compliment?)

- B

 

I had an EA um-teen years ago at work. My wife picked up on it and engaged. She contacted some mutual friends who I worked with. They helped with the situation.

The bottom-line is that she exposed the affair. I thought it was adeep friendship. Only later on did I come to realize I was in an EA. The Withdrawal told me that.

The thing is that the affair will not end as long as they work together. So you would have to expose the affair there and get her to change jobs.

 

I feel for you, I really do because I can see so much parallel to our wives. The difference is, when I discovered and confronted, she immediately came to her senses (I think), and is adamant that she wasn't even considering herself IN an affair while it was going on(!!!!). She too compartmentalized what she did from her supposed love for me... From what I read in your posts, she is goading you into a confrontation she actually wants, deep-down...kind of like the cheater who actually subconsciously wants to get caught because they don't have the guts to just come clean and admit what they're doing. I feel horrible for you because it feels to me like IF you in fact want to stay with her and IF she in turn once confronted wants to stay with you (two BIG BIG "ifs" imho), then you've got a really ugly, tough road ahead.

And if you decide you DON'T -- you've still got an ugly road ahead, although a shorter and clearer one.

 

From what I read in your posts, she is goading you into a confrontation she actually wants, deep-down...kind of like the cheater who actually subconsciously wants to get caught because they don't have the guts to just come clean and admit what they're doing.

Regrettably, I am moving towards the same conclusion, if not quite there yet. (I am still thinking she is reacting to some weird anti-abandonment psyche scenario where she needs two men to profess their -- compete for her -- love to make her feel secure.) Her liaison with this colleague seems to be too deep, too "comfortable", too reckless to be a temporary diversion or refuge from a lonely or vulnerable moment. I think she is trying to either get me to react (in which case I am again the "bad guy" for provoking a scene) or to suffer quiet humiliation in place at home (to her sick satisfaction) for some longer period.

By the way, the colleague in question has apparently had a very rocky marital history. He and his wife separated two years ago, but he returned last year because of their kids. So I am guessing it wouldn't be difficult to pry him loose again if he had a good incentive on his hands.

This appears to be a train-wreck happening in slow motion.

 

DO NOT over analyze her reasons. She isn't thinking that much or that clearly or that devious other than trying to keep it going and not get caught. She is rewriting the history as lord mayhem eloquently described to justify what she's doing because she KNOWS it's wrong. She can't look at herself in the mirror without a reason to be doing what she's doing so she paints the marriage and you black and ugly. She is responding to you the way she is because she is trying to prove her justifications right. If she accepted your love she wouldn't be right. Her ethical and moral boundaries keeping her from doing this kept moving slowly out further and further until she can't even believe herself what she's doing so she needs more justifications - that's why he and her go on spouse bashing commiserating.

BELIEVE - the affair is not your fault AT ALL. She made these decisions completely on her own and she will take quite a long time to accept that and begin to forgive herself. First she has to take the mask off she has put on to protect herself from her own conscience and see the real ugliness of herself in the mirror. That can't happen until the thrill of the high is severely tarnished and the A is out in the open for everyone to see it's ugliness - especially her. The delusional fog she is in is preventing her from seeing reality.

SO - what to do? First start by getting enough evidence that know how far it's gone. Is it strictly talk? Is it physical? Don't go beyond that and try to dig up the physical details they are horrifying and will only create mind movies and triggers that start them playing that you have to get past later. Then confront. Expect her to lie and tell only part of the story. Expect her to tell you it's your fault because you did or didn't do something. Expect her not to own it and initially not to commit to ending it. If it goes better than that then great, your ahead of the game already. If not, you won't be as let down knowing what to expect. What I describe is the typical WS reaction to confrontation.

Then what? Don't ask, just notify his wife and present to her whatever FACTS you've discovered. If you tell your wife first, he will cover his tracks and build a story first with her help. Your wife will accuse YOU of being insensitive and only hurting his wife. His deserves to know as much as you do. It will also keep him very busy trying to recover and most likely cause him to drop your wife like a bad disease.

Then you see how she reacts. Words don't count - only actions do. Don;t push a list of demands or she will head back to him where she THINKS she has safety and someone who doesn't impose horrible restrictions on her. You have to wait for her show remorse and a commitment to work on it before you start laying out what you need to feel secure and try yourself. Don't beg or chase. State ONCE, divorce is not what you want and you would like to try and work things out but that she must want to and show it before you will even try. Those actions START with transparency of everything she uses for the affair - phones, email facebook, texts and most importantly NO CONTACT AT ALL (NC). No breaking it off slowly. Puts her in the position of making a choice and doing it in the light in front of you.

Then wait - but not too long.

That's as far as you should look right now. Her reaction to the confrontation and the requirements will decide your next move. There are more drastic steps that can taken to try and get her stop. In this case fast is slow and smooth and careful are quick. KEEP YOUR TEMPER AND STEP AWAY if you can't.

 

Get cracking chief! Step one - evidence of how far it's gone.

 

I must add - and not to give you false hope - just encouragement - you can get through this. IF she decides to try it can be better than it was before. My story - 27 years married - wife 20 years cheating - 2 men 20 years ago, my "friend" for 18 years. My youngest is MY daughter but not biologically. We are reconciling, almost 8 months since Dday - a long journey yet to go. Madly in love with each other and doing very well. IT CAN WORK OUT! First she has to want to try. One of the steps on the journey is figuring out how you didn't know she was not happy. The things she throws out now contain nuggets of the largest issues. BOTH of you as a TEAM will need to make changes to make it work going forward. Some, you might be able to start working on on your side now to show her you can change.

 

I am really stressed out today. Kind of in my own "fog", but it's nothing light and energizing, let me tell you.

I saw more signs yesterday and this morning:

1. She worked late (probably legitimate given her shift) last night but came home REALLY late, at 4:30 am. Funny how she sent me a text message at midnight saying she'd be home soon.
2. She left early this morning to "buy some bread" from the nice bakery around the corner. Which we do often, but it doesn't take an hour. And who thinks of getting up after only 3 hours sleep and buying some bread? (I am thinking she had a snooze somewhere else between midnight and 4:00 am.)
3. Yesterday morning she was on her laptop. She shut down the page quickly when I approached (I could see the action in the mirror).
4. Her cell phones are locked down tight.
5. Her mood varies between being occasionally (and strangely) sweet and upbeat and mostly indifferent, businesslike, or negative.
6. She seems kind of stressed out herself.
7. She is offloading more of the current home responsibilities to me. She "doesn't want to fight" with me about the (modest) home renovation we are doing, so could I please manage it all? Oh, and can I take care of all of the vacation plans for September; she's "not so good at that!" (true, actually). I wonder whether she is mentally checking out of our marital home or just entranced by her romantic "fog" of the affair.

I am trying to be "normal", positive and loving, while gathering the information that I need and planning what to do. I don't want to set off a confrontation with her too early.

This is really killing me though. A dozen sharp jabs a day to the heart and balls. I am finding it difficult to concentrate on anything, including my job.

 

What have you discovered so far, the info gathering doesn't need to be like a lawyers discovery beofre trial with no stone left unturned. You need to get this out in the open as quickly as possible before you self destruct!

 

Try;

Voice activated recorder planted in her car. Catch her saying "I love you"

GPS also in her car.Catch her in the lies with regards to her were about. Then you can call her on were she was, or even find out exactly were she was.

I'm thinking she has mentally checked out of the marital home *becuase* there is OM.

I can see 8- point if you can no longer handle the spy game, then confront and take your chances with a weak and noneffective confrontation.

But do not beg for your marriage when you do confront. Let her know you no longer want to be marriaed to a women that has all the red flags of a cheating spouse.

At least with a location from the GPS and a VAR you can at least ask her some specific and informative questions. With a small chance that she thinks she is really busted and admitts.

Hire a PI, or have someone you trust and she doesn't know follow her.

I just think a confrontation would be more effective if you had a place or name, or at least catcher in a lie with regards to her were about, especially if she is truelly is not at work. Again give the GPS a shot!

 

Believe me - not knowing and guessing that she is cheating is way worse than feeling a little icky from snooping and finding out the absolute truth.

You need some hard evidence, once you get it = present it. Do not present your sources. She will try to make you into the bad guy. Dont listen. You did not cause her to cheat. She did. Find out the truth, and hit her in the face with it. (figuratively, of course)

 

I agree that not knowing the full extent of this is worse than trying to find out.

I am not sure that any hard evidence I find (unless I actually catch them in the act somewhere) will encourage her to come clean and admit what has been going on. I am doing this for me, so I know what facts I am dealing with, and can take appropriate action from.

She might think that she can continue to mislead, snow and push me around the way she has over the past two years -- but she doesn't know that I am the type of "decent guy" who, when pushed too far, never goes back.

 

I wish you luck.
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What have you found so far?

 

In terms of hard evidence, not much, but enough:

1. A text from OM on her cell. ("I miss you, my love", etc.)
2. Lots of calls/text from OM's name on her cell phone record until two weeks ago, then stopped suddenly and then two other names appeared (including the one she hung up on twice in my presence in the car).
3. An email in her trash that she hadn't cleared from a month ago to OM asking if he might want to come by, snuggle and watch a movie with her. Which happened to be the day after I left town on a four-day business trip. (I found this when she forgot to log off her account and fell asleep. A dagger through my heart.)

This is enough objective evidence to make me certain I am not crazy or jealous or imagining things. But the pattern of furtive conduct -- hiding in the bathroom with the door shut too often, locking down and jealously guarding her cell phones, unexplained or inconsistent absences or lapses, finding total fault with me, being indifferent to my well-being (other than formulaically), not being engaged in our home renovation and vacation plans -- is actually a bigger sign.

I need to find a better paper and voice trail to back it up.

Oh, by the way, I have confirmed that OM is married, but "unhappily". He has known my wife for many years and is a "peer" of hers in the profession. He lives in another city a few hours away but comes to work in the same relatively small office as she is in two days a week (stays over a night or two, without his family, of course). So he's a perfect fling for her: he's available every week, "understands her", and is really eager to find some lovin'.

I have never met him, but I hear he is a real animated guy. I think he gushes all over her. I don't "gush", but I am a warm person who frequently expressed my love and appreciation for my wife. I think she is mistaking flash for substance here.

I can almost hear what she's saying to him: "Oh, OM, you are so fun and easy to talk to. You understand me. We can talk about everything. And you're so hot! I can't wait to get more! I can't talk to my husband. He's reserved. He is a stick-in-the-mud, is only interested in [whatever]. And he argues all of the time with me. I think he's defensive about everything. I actually think he's screwing his [secretary/dentist/neighbor/whoever] on the side, you know. But only in the daytime, 'cause he usually falls asleep quickly at night. How fun is that?"

Let's mark this prediction and see how right I am about the dialogue when I find out more.

 

You have enough to out him to his wife and if you know who employs him. He is likely to be using company time to conduct the affair , and no doubt company assets to send mails and/or a company paid hotel room.

Out him to his wife, they are all unhappily married , supposedly, as is your wife according to her. Do not tell your wife, expose and wait , if she changes her behaviour she is still I'm contact. Be decisive and act fast.
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You have enough to out him to his wife and if you know who employs him. He is likely to be using company time to conduct the affair , and no doubt company assets to send mails and/or a company paid hotel room.

Definitely expose the A to the company Human Resources department, she is already using her company issued cell phone to conduct the affair as well as the above.

Out him to his wife, they are all unhappily married , supposedly, as is your wife according to her. Do not tell your wife, expose and wait , if she changes her behaviour she is still I'm contact. Be decisive and act fast.
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Yup. Cheating men will usually say:
1. They are in an unhappy, loveless, sexless marriage
2. His wife is cheating already, doesn't care and they plan to divorce.
3. His wife is batsh!t crazy, and they plan to divorce

Or some variation of the above.