Hi board,
Here’s the story...I’m sorry it’s long, but there’s a lot to consider leading up to my wife’s infidelity. My wife and I have been married for five years, I’m 28 and she’s 24. We met in the Navy. Shortly after we married, she went on a six month deployment. It was extremely difficult for the both of us, for a myriad of reasons that I contributed to her immaturity as a 19/20 year old. One thing that was extremely hurtful throughout her absence was the frequent mentioning of a guy named Matt who according to her was a guy she became very close friends with, who had a girlfriend, and who she shared mutual respect with regarding one another’s relationships. I always doubted what happened during that deployment (based on the emails, and a picture I saw of the two of them way too close) and it took quite some time to feel like I could trust her again.
Fast-forward four years later; my wife and I have been out of the Navy for almost two years. We both have successful careers; hers requires that she travel five to seven times per year for a week at a time. I would describe our marriage as amazingly beautiful. We have our little spats here and there, ups and downs, etc. but nothing that I would consider out of the ordinary and/or unhealthy. We love each other and it’s apparent. For instance, the alarm goes off every morning…I hit snooze until she crawls back in bed and cuddles me awake. We rough house in the shower (not entirely safe, but fun), she laps her leg over mine every night when we lay down for bed (comforting). We’re open with one another, we’ve built up a huge amount of money in savings (looking forward to buying our first home after we finish our Master’s degrees), my parents love her to death, etc. We’ve had an amazingly fun and successful year. I will say that since she started her job after leaving the Navy, she works with a very young and immature crowd. They’re all single and go to happy hour roughly three to four times a week. For a long, painful 8 months or so, my wife often joined them after work and on more occasions than I can count on two hands, came home obliterated…often driving home. We had a lot of talks and arguments regarding her drinking. What hurt the most was that she knew how important it was to me, but it didn’t stop. It felt like drinking excessively with her friends was always more important than my feelings and I feel like I tried everything in the book to help her stop. As the drinking incidents carried on, I noticed that she would often displace accountability or somehow justify it by saying that she hasn’t been 100% happy. But our marriage proved otherwise…I had no indication that something was wrong. Again, occasional spats, but nothing out of the ordinary. What I saw in her while she was coming up with excuses, is what I saw in myself growing up explaining to my parents why I had alcohol on my breath, why I missed curfew, etc. And I resented them for catching me, I resented them for questioning me, but looking back on it now…I’m glad they did, because it was out of unconditional love, and I now appreciate it. I caught her in several lies during this time, “I went out because it was so and so’s birthday”, when in reality it was not. “I didn’t have a drink during lunch and then go back to work”, which I would find out was in fact untrue after she tripped up on her story.
Last week, my wife was on a business trip in Rhode Island. Throughout the business trip, I had a very tough time getting a hold of her…she’s bad about leaving her phone on silent, but rarely leaves it behind. She explained that she left her phone in the car, had the phone on silent, phone ran out of battery, etc. but for some reason, I had this horrible feeling that something was up. I never do this, but since I had this horrible feeling, I checked our phone usage details and discovered that she had been receiving and sending a ton of text messages from and to a certain phone number and had even had 40 – 55 minute conversations with this person. When she got home last night, I checked her phone while she was in the shower. I found a text message from a guy named Matt, who I would later find out was Navy Matt, that said something to the effect of “why are you in bed naked without me, I’ll be up in a bit.”
I confronted her about it, and she admitted to cheating on me. I guess this guy had friends in Rhode Island (he lives in Texas) and flew up to see them/her, while staying in the same hotel as she. I also found out that they’ve kept in touch ever since she left the Navy and that they had been communicating more frequently since this past August, though this is apparently the first time they’ve seen each other since the Navy. It took sorting through a good share of lies to get to that, and I’m still not confident that she’s told me everything. Again, after being caught screwing up, she reverted to the “I haven’t been 100% happy line”, which again, is beyond me because it contradicts what I’ve perceived without a doubt to be a very happy marriage.
I don’t know what to do. I asked that we talk to her mom about it, and we did. She spoke with her first, and then I did. I asked that she email this guy explaining that she had made a horrible mistake and that they were to never talk again. I asked that I see this email before she sends it, she agreed and will write/send it tonight. She says that she loves me more than she loves herself, and was very upset last night. I was in shock, couldn’t feel anything and couldn’t fall asleep last night. I cried hard this morning, in bed and on the way to work. I love my wife so much that it hurts, I always have, and feel like I always will. But no words can describe how hurt, embarrassed, angry, insufficient I feel right now. We talked for a while last night and decided that we’re going to try to work it out and to avoid embarrassment/shame/harsh judgment, also decided not to tell my parents (who live close by and again, love her to death). Honestly more than anything, I feel like I need the comfort of my parents right now as I kinda don’t know who to go to and don’t feel that I’m ready to share my feelings with my wife yet. I also think that my wife confronting my parents about it, might heighten remorse on her end, add transparency to the situation, and perhaps better enable our ability to work through this. Will need your thoughts on this. We decided to attend marriage counseling. I’m apprehensive because I don’t want the therapist to fall for this “he doesn’t help with laundry and that’s why I’m unhappy” bull****. Furthermore, I don’t want to pay for that type of catering, but saving our marriage is worth it…I just don’t know what to expect. I think tonight, as painful as it might be, I’ll ask that she be brutally honest with me and explain everything. For some reason, she’s made a habit out of lying to me which is hurtful in itself, and I think the first step towards making things work would be to lay it all out on the table, start anew, no more lies. Guys/girls, when we held each other last night, she didn’t feel like the same girl I’ve been married to for the last five years. I told her before that I would always know what her skin feels like, but last night I did not. I looked at her this morning as she rolled over and watched me briefly as I got dressed for work…I cried, because the pain and heartbreak are just too much right now. She called me this morning before leaving for work to ask if I was okay, and then just now called from work…but I didn’t answer. I will never forget, but hope to some day trust and forgive her and along the way, would appreciate any words of encouragement and/or advice that you might have to offer. How should we move forward? Is it wrong for me to ask for total transparency with respect to her phone and email? God, it hurts.
Here’s the story...I’m sorry it’s long, but there’s a lot to consider leading up to my wife’s infidelity. My wife and I have been married for five years, I’m 28 and she’s 24. We met in the Navy. Shortly after we married, she went on a six month deployment. It was extremely difficult for the both of us, for a myriad of reasons that I contributed to her immaturity as a 19/20 year old. One thing that was extremely hurtful throughout her absence was the frequent mentioning of a guy named Matt who according to her was a guy she became very close friends with, who had a girlfriend, and who she shared mutual respect with regarding one another’s relationships. I always doubted what happened during that deployment (based on the emails, and a picture I saw of the two of them way too close) and it took quite some time to feel like I could trust her again.
Fast-forward four years later; my wife and I have been out of the Navy for almost two years. We both have successful careers; hers requires that she travel five to seven times per year for a week at a time. I would describe our marriage as amazingly beautiful. We have our little spats here and there, ups and downs, etc. but nothing that I would consider out of the ordinary and/or unhealthy. We love each other and it’s apparent. For instance, the alarm goes off every morning…I hit snooze until she crawls back in bed and cuddles me awake. We rough house in the shower (not entirely safe, but fun), she laps her leg over mine every night when we lay down for bed (comforting). We’re open with one another, we’ve built up a huge amount of money in savings (looking forward to buying our first home after we finish our Master’s degrees), my parents love her to death, etc. We’ve had an amazingly fun and successful year. I will say that since she started her job after leaving the Navy, she works with a very young and immature crowd. They’re all single and go to happy hour roughly three to four times a week. For a long, painful 8 months or so, my wife often joined them after work and on more occasions than I can count on two hands, came home obliterated…often driving home. We had a lot of talks and arguments regarding her drinking. What hurt the most was that she knew how important it was to me, but it didn’t stop. It felt like drinking excessively with her friends was always more important than my feelings and I feel like I tried everything in the book to help her stop. As the drinking incidents carried on, I noticed that she would often displace accountability or somehow justify it by saying that she hasn’t been 100% happy. But our marriage proved otherwise…I had no indication that something was wrong. Again, occasional spats, but nothing out of the ordinary. What I saw in her while she was coming up with excuses, is what I saw in myself growing up explaining to my parents why I had alcohol on my breath, why I missed curfew, etc. And I resented them for catching me, I resented them for questioning me, but looking back on it now…I’m glad they did, because it was out of unconditional love, and I now appreciate it. I caught her in several lies during this time, “I went out because it was so and so’s birthday”, when in reality it was not. “I didn’t have a drink during lunch and then go back to work”, which I would find out was in fact untrue after she tripped up on her story.
Last week, my wife was on a business trip in Rhode Island. Throughout the business trip, I had a very tough time getting a hold of her…she’s bad about leaving her phone on silent, but rarely leaves it behind. She explained that she left her phone in the car, had the phone on silent, phone ran out of battery, etc. but for some reason, I had this horrible feeling that something was up. I never do this, but since I had this horrible feeling, I checked our phone usage details and discovered that she had been receiving and sending a ton of text messages from and to a certain phone number and had even had 40 – 55 minute conversations with this person. When she got home last night, I checked her phone while she was in the shower. I found a text message from a guy named Matt, who I would later find out was Navy Matt, that said something to the effect of “why are you in bed naked without me, I’ll be up in a bit.”
I confronted her about it, and she admitted to cheating on me. I guess this guy had friends in Rhode Island (he lives in Texas) and flew up to see them/her, while staying in the same hotel as she. I also found out that they’ve kept in touch ever since she left the Navy and that they had been communicating more frequently since this past August, though this is apparently the first time they’ve seen each other since the Navy. It took sorting through a good share of lies to get to that, and I’m still not confident that she’s told me everything. Again, after being caught screwing up, she reverted to the “I haven’t been 100% happy line”, which again, is beyond me because it contradicts what I’ve perceived without a doubt to be a very happy marriage.
I don’t know what to do. I asked that we talk to her mom about it, and we did. She spoke with her first, and then I did. I asked that she email this guy explaining that she had made a horrible mistake and that they were to never talk again. I asked that I see this email before she sends it, she agreed and will write/send it tonight. She says that she loves me more than she loves herself, and was very upset last night. I was in shock, couldn’t feel anything and couldn’t fall asleep last night. I cried hard this morning, in bed and on the way to work. I love my wife so much that it hurts, I always have, and feel like I always will. But no words can describe how hurt, embarrassed, angry, insufficient I feel right now. We talked for a while last night and decided that we’re going to try to work it out and to avoid embarrassment/shame/harsh judgment, also decided not to tell my parents (who live close by and again, love her to death). Honestly more than anything, I feel like I need the comfort of my parents right now as I kinda don’t know who to go to and don’t feel that I’m ready to share my feelings with my wife yet. I also think that my wife confronting my parents about it, might heighten remorse on her end, add transparency to the situation, and perhaps better enable our ability to work through this. Will need your thoughts on this. We decided to attend marriage counseling. I’m apprehensive because I don’t want the therapist to fall for this “he doesn’t help with laundry and that’s why I’m unhappy” bull****. Furthermore, I don’t want to pay for that type of catering, but saving our marriage is worth it…I just don’t know what to expect. I think tonight, as painful as it might be, I’ll ask that she be brutally honest with me and explain everything. For some reason, she’s made a habit out of lying to me which is hurtful in itself, and I think the first step towards making things work would be to lay it all out on the table, start anew, no more lies. Guys/girls, when we held each other last night, she didn’t feel like the same girl I’ve been married to for the last five years. I told her before that I would always know what her skin feels like, but last night I did not. I looked at her this morning as she rolled over and watched me briefly as I got dressed for work…I cried, because the pain and heartbreak are just too much right now. She called me this morning before leaving for work to ask if I was okay, and then just now called from work…but I didn’t answer. I will never forget, but hope to some day trust and forgive her and along the way, would appreciate any words of encouragement and/or advice that you might have to offer. How should we move forward? Is it wrong for me to ask for total transparency with respect to her phone and email? God, it hurts.
