[Openminded]

Patient and forgiving people are very often used as doormats by those who are not as kind. You've been one for sure but I hope you've finally seen the light. Your children deserve a better deal than they gotten and so do you.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

Patient and forgiving people are very often used as doormats by those who are not as kind. You've been one for sure but I hope you've finally seen the light. Your children deserve a better deal than they gotten and so do you.

I was a doormat in my first marriage and I'm a doormat in this one.

How many times do you let someone kick you in the shins before you take yourself out of the equation so they can't anymore? Too many times for me.

 

[Openminded]

Many people put up with it forever, hoping things will change, because they're too afraid of the unknown to get out. Hopefully you really will move on this time. It won't be easy because your wife seems determined to stay married to you but it can be done. Sooner rather than later would be better for all of you.

 

[BluesPower]

As I'm sure many of you, if not all of you that read my post expected, I am back and feeling the exact same way as I had before. Yesterday, I found myself feeling verbally abused yet again by my wife of just over a year and a half. Aggressiveness, yelling, swearing, personal attacks, all the same as before. The big change was that I found myself not reacting to her as I had in the past with anger in return. I found myself quiet, patient, calm. I told her I would speak to her when her tone could match mine and when she started caring how she spoke to me. The most hurtful part of the way she was speaking to me was when, in the middle of her talking to me the way she was, she stopped and told me that she did not care how she was speaking to me, then continued. That to me shows absolute intent on trying to hurt me with her words, with her tone, with the way she was speaking to me yet again. This all came about when I did not properly react and reply to a frustration she was having about me not transferring my paycheck into our shared account in a time she deemed appropriate.

Nearing the end of my rope.

Yeah, this post is quite shocking, I am just appalled....NOT.

Not only should you be nearing the end of the rope, you should not have any rope left.

You know what, you could be get ugliest, dumbest, person in the world, and we all know that you are not... but if you were, you still would not deserve this treatment.

Dogs don't deserve this treatment...

Dude, please get a clue and get out of this...

 

[Elizabeth001]

Yeah, this post is quite shocking, I am just appalled....NOT.



Not only should you be nearing the end of the rope, you should not have any rope left.



You know what, you could be get ugliest, dumbest, person in the world, and we all know that you are not... but if you were, you still would not deserve this treatment.



Dogs don't deserve this treatment...



Dude, please get a clue and get out of this...

His kids sure as hell don’t deserve it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[hubbyintrubby]

I guess I just never thought that what happens was enough to leave a marriage over. These problems don't happen in front of the children anymore and I've just kind of gotten used to the blow ups as a part of life now.

 

[Affaircare]

@hubbyintrubby,

I'm going to share something with you that I'm hoping may change your perspective. You are an abused spouse. Now, if you were a female and it was the male who was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusing you, there would be a TON of help available to you. There are support groups, whole centers for abused women, and even safe houses...for women. There's not as much out there for men, but for now, let's not let that discourage us.

The first thing I want to share with you is a PDF called the Power and Control Wheel: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf It's called the Power and Control Wheel because the Abuser is being abusive so they can gain Power in the relationship, and so they can be in Control. Please note, this particular wheel demonstrates exactly what I was talking about in the first paragraph: it's written as if the female is the "Victim" and the male is a "Batterer." This bias infuriates me, and I claim that right as a survivor of abuse. Still the concept is sound, so I wanted you to see that typically an Abuser uses more than one layer or level of abuse to keep the Victim under their Power and Control.

So the next thing to understand is that abuse has a cycle. That is to say, it follows a pattern: https://i0.wp.com/ahangoverfreelife.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/TEAR-cycle.jpg?ssl=1 As you can see from this cycle, there is the red phase where the abuse perpetrates their chosen form of abuse...and the victim tries to reason and placates (it's red because the victim wants it to STOP). Then there's the green phase where the abuser cries and makes promises...and the victim has hope and wants to believe them (it's green because the vicitim wants this phase to GO on forever)! Then there's the long, yellow phase where the abuser builds tension, is moody and critical, and starts to make threats...and the victim walks on eggshells knowing that the other shoe is going to drop and tries to appease the abuser (it's yellow because the victim feels CAUTIOUS).

See why victim's stay? We WANT the abuser to love us. We WANT them to keep their promises and be kinder, more loving people. We HOPE that this time will be different or that they mean it this time. Unfortunately, it is like we have blinders on, because in real life as much as we want the abuser to love us, they don't. You know how I can tell? Love is not a "feeling"--it is an "action." It's how you treat someone. Love is a verb. It is how you ACT...and abusing someone is nowhere near love. In real life as much as we want the abuser to keep their promises and be kinder, more loving people, they don't. Know how I can tell? If they kept their promises, they would have never abused again, and they did. In real life as much as we hope the abuser will "mean it this time", they don't. Know how I can tell? They would have to look at themselves and admit to themselves that how they are acting is wrong, and the abusers would much rather vent their rage at us than have to look at the (wo)man in the mirror!

So @hubbyintrubby, here is my suggestion to you. Start Googling topics like "Abused Men" and "Domestic Violence Against Men" and start to learn. Learn that you are not alone--many men are abused and don't know it. Learn about abuse so you can recognize it. Learn what you can do to get out of an abusive situation, and it doesn't always start with divorce...for example, one thing you could do today, right now, is just what you did! "I will talk to you when you can be calm and speak to me respectfully" and then walk out of the room, go to the nearest LOCKABLE room, and lock the door. If that doesn't work, walk out of the house and take a walk for an hour or so. If that doesn't work, take a drive and go see a movie or take yourself out to dinner. See how it's like progressively further and longer?

Here are a few links to get you started:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm
https://psychcentral.com/blog/invisible-victims-when-men-are-abused/
https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/help-for-battered-men#1


Finally, here is the link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which has a LOT of good information: https://www.thehotline.org/
and a link to my very favorite Verbal Abuse website: Welcome to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site|Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)! (I like the cat!) LOL

 

[3Xnocharm]

Thank you for that credit @OnTheFly In all honesty, it was a good natured attempt to find out how she was really feeling about the situation as a whole. She has been struggling, along with her brother for a while now so bad that when I'm at work and they are home with my wife, they spend whole days in their beds reading or on screens other than to eat just to stay out of other parts of the house. She had never really wanted to talk much about it and I could tell it was a moment in which she would be open and honest with me. My son who is younger still refuses to talk to anybody about it. And yes, I have thought about therapy for him for this matter.

Bringing this post back up because this is of utmost importance. Your children are uncomfortable with daily living in their own home because of how this woman treats them, and how she treats their father. This fact alone should be enough to propel you permanently out the door. Your children are getting a terrible example of married life by watching you allow this woman to treat you the way she does, and they may have emotion scarring from how THEY are being treated.

 

[Ursula]

If I were lucky enough to be a Mom and was in a situation like yours, you damn right I’d put 100% stock into what my child tells me about their stepparent.

 

[BluesPower]

I guess I just never thought that what happens was enough to leave a marriage over. These problems don't happen in front of the children anymore and I've just kind of gotten used to the blow ups as a part of life now.

For goodness sake... What would be enough???

How about she gets a hammer and beats you in the head while you are sleeping? Is that enough?

How about the stabs you, not real deep but just little 1/4 jabs so that you bleed a lot but don't die?

How about she just uses a piece of bamboo and just canes you or something... IS THAT ENOUGH.

Listen, you are being abused. Lot's of people like you just cannot see it, or they are just in denial...

PLEASE WAKE UP, for you sake, for your self esteem, for any kids, or dogs or whatever... GET OUT...

 

[hubbyintrubby]

@Affaircare The narrative of the abuse of men versus women is probably something that has held me back from feeling like a victim. That, and the fact that I've retaliated in ways that would probably be viewed as abusive when she's spoken to me the way she has. I've let my anger get the better of me, thrown things, punched walls, etc. In many ways I still find it very difficult to see myself as a kind of victim, only because I've let it happen and continue for as long as I have. Thank you very much for the material you linked.
@3Xnocharm My children are my life, and you are right. I have not been treating them like they are. I said a short time ago that these things have not been happening with the children around and I was wrong. Roughly 2 weeks ago, my wife had a blow up at me and they were just down the stairs from where we were and 99% heard everything she said...including badmouthing their mother who I am trying to have a positive co-parenting relationship with. My current wife holds a very low view of my ex-wife and isn't afraid of letting me know that. She doesn't think my kids have ever heard her talk about her in a negative fashion, but with the amount that she does so, there's no possible way that that is true.

 

[Openminded]

If you're going to stay, give your ex primary custody (I'm assuming you share custody). You can see them on the weekend, for the day only, away from your wife. I doubt you'll do that but, for your children's sake, you should.

 

[Openminded]

Your wife can pretend that the children aren't aware but they always are. Right now they probably don't blame you but at some point they will if you continue down this path.

 

[Affaircare]

@Affaircare The narrative of the abuse of men versus women is probably something that has held me back from feeling like a victim. That, and the fact that I've retaliated in ways that would probably be viewed as abusive when she's spoken to me the way she has. I've let my anger get the better of me, thrown things, punched walls, etc. In many ways I still find it very difficult to see myself as a kind of victim, only because I've let it happen and continue for as long as I have. Thank you very much for the material you linked.

@hubbyintrubby,

I can truly understand how you'd feel that way and think that way, because after all, how abused could you be if you abuse right back...right? My point to you is not "who abused who first" or "who abuses worse", but rather just to point out that the name for what is being done to you is Domestic Violence. I am not there in your home or in your skin, and I am not able to be a judge--but I can tell you that if someone attacks you over and over again, it is human nature to eventually try to defend yourself (and thereby, to do things that are not your true nature). My imagery for that is "poking a bear"--if you poke a bear that is asleep, at first it may not attack, but if you keep poking it, eventually the bear WILL take a swipe at you. That is sort of what it sounds like is happening here: you are the bear and you just want to be left alone, and she keeps poking you and poking you...and yep eventually you growl and swipe at her, at which point she points out to you "See? You have anger issues too!"

So instead of thinking of it like Victim/Abuser I don't like to think of myself as a victim. I think of it more like the one BEING abused and the one DOING the abusing...Abuser/Abusee maybe or something like that. It's just a way of identifying or labeling.

So keep reading up on those sites I linked and keep learning about abuse, especially verbal, emotional and mental abuse. Believe it or not, if there is stuff being thrown, walls being punched, maybe even pushes or shoves...that's PHYSICAL abuse too! And yep, you better believe that a woman can physically abuse a man! Yes, it's true, we may be smaller in height, weight, or strength than a man, but a woman can still slap, punch, kick or stratch and every one of those actions IS PHYSICAL ABUSE.

Also, keep working on YOUR stuff. I think of it as one street, but there are two sides of the street--yours and hers. If you lose your temper and throw things, it is cool and fine to admit to yourself that is not the man you want to be and learn how to control your anger better. What's NOT cool is allowing her to harm you (or your children) because she is unwilling to learn to control her anger. See...whilst it is understandable that you'd be angry from her verbal barrage, acting in anger is still acting in anger. It is wise to learn how to respond in a healthy way rather than react in an emotional way. But it is NOT wisdom to just roll over and be a doormat and allow all of your boundaries to be trampled. Set one boundary VERY firmly: you will NOT be in the same vicinity with a person who is harming you (emotionally, mentally or physically) or your children. Walk away-->lock a door-->take a walk-->be gone for a couple hours-->be gone for a day-->be gone for a weekend-->be gone for a week...and just gradually keep going from step one to step two until the abuse either stops or until the two of you are separating.

Make sense?

 

[nekonamida]

Hubby, you can have an unstable and psychotic relationship on your own time but it is completely unfair that you subject your kids to this. Unless you've sound proofed the whole house, they hear the fights. They hear her yelling. They hear you punching and throwing things. They witness ALL OF IT without even being in the same room. And now they're experiencing the negative consequences of YOUR choice to remain in this marriage.

Your children aren't happy. It's shocking to me that you don't see a problem with them being holed up in their rooms all day to avoid your wife. They're young enough that they should still be playing and having fun around the house and outside, especially your younger son. They should be spending quality time with you as a parent. But instead, they have to stay in their rooms and escape reality through books and the internet because you would rather be with a woman who treats you all like crap than be alone. How unfair is that? Why do they have to pay the price so that you can stay married?

You don't realize the damage you're doing to them and you don't realize how lucky you are that your ex-wife isn't dragging you to court to reduce your parenting time right this minute. When your wife talks badly of your ex and your kids hear it without you speaking up or shutting that down, that's parental alienation. Your daughter is old enough to have her own wants and needs taken into consideration while evaluating custody. All it takes is for your ex-wife to have her give an honest account of what it's like living at your house and your kids will be spending a lot less time with you. And honestly, that's what's best for them.

You have two options. You can keep going as you are, keep damaging your kids, and let them slowly fade out of your life in favor of your ex-wife or you can separate yourself from your current wife and start putting them first like you should have been all along. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.

 

[Diana7]

Sorry if I missed it, but have you taken your children with you or are they still living with the step mum?

 

[hubbyintrubby]

@Openminded I full agree that the children always know. As smart as my wife can be, I don't get how she truly believes they don't know her feelings about their mother. If forced to choose, as it seems like I'm getting closer and closer to everyday, hands down...kids without a doubt, no contest.
@Affaircare Every single day has been a step in the right direction on working on myself, thank you for that. I use that exact same thing...sides of the street. All I can do is keep my side of the street clean and I can feel good about myself and the direction I am taking myself. I was very proud of myself the way I carried myself during this last blow up, staying calm, staying present in the moment and not letting my level rise to the same as hers.
@nekonamida My kids don't spend that much time in their rooms when I'm at home. That's generally when I am at work during the day and they are at our house. That's not to say they're not completely happy at my house though. They've heard plenty of fighting, plenty of yelling, plenty of anger...far more than they ever should have had to. Their mother knows things have been bad. My daughter has texted her mom during one of our fights saying she was scared. When I am home, I spend the majority of my attention on them, and we get a ton of quality time. Sadly the last time my wife talked about my ex-wife when my kids heard it was a big fight between her and I. Part of it WAS because I was fairly positive they could hear us and my wife wouldn't stop, quiet down, take a breath, etc. I am done trying to protect IN the home from this...it's time to protect them by taking them out of the home...with me.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

Sorry if I missed it, but have you taken your children with you or are they still living with the step mum?

Their mother and I share 50/50 custody of them. I live with my wife, their step-mom and they are with us half the time. My ex-wife recently had her boyfriend move in them at her house.

 

[Deejo]

No, nobody is at all surprised.

I'll shortcut this for you.

You are either prepared to address this issue by ending the relationship; or you aren't prepared to do anything at all.

Your 'patience and kindness' are utterly misplaced. And importantly ... nobody sees your actions in that light, aside from you.

There really is no more advice to give you.

There is no happy ending here ... other than you walking away. But none of that matters if you dont see it, and wont do it.

The singular piece of advice that you should take right now, is to act. Don't post, think, evaluate, analyze, seek counsel, or use magical thinking.

ACT.

 

[Affaircare]

@hubbyintrubby,

When I was in an abusive marriage (which, by the way, did end in divorce), I was not ready to leave "all at once." It took me maybe a couple years to learn about abuse, to leave and come back...it was sort of like two steps forward, one step back until the day came that it was over. Even then, it wasn't like one horrible thing occurred that made me "angry enough to leave" but rather it was more like slowly added one straw at a time onto the camel's back until finally there just was a straw that broke it. It kept getting more and more clear to me that even when I did keep my side of the street clean, exH was not only not willing to keep HIS side clean--he also wouldn't even admit it needed cleaning!

So if I were in your shoes, one thing I would do is just begin to think/plan. Come up with baby steps that you ARE willing and able to take, but keep taking them. For example, one thing that used to happen to me is that we'd argue and he would literally stand in the way and block me from being able to exit, so I'd be kind of trapped (and thus, forced to stay and continue the arguing). So one baby step I took was to go to every room in the house and look for the spot in that room that was an exit...and look for the spot where I could stand so I'd ALWAYS have a way to "get away." Now, it kind of killed me to have to think like that, but I also looked at each room for the spot in the room that was "least safe" ... where I would get stuck or be trapped and have no way of escape. (Shrug) It was a baby step for my own safety, so I took it.

Another good baby step that I began to put together a safety plan. Now, again, I hated to think of it this way and hated to think it would (or had) escalated to this point, and yet, I did think it would be reasonable to at least think about safety...and then to begin to plan what I might need and where I might put some important documents and those kinds of things. Here is a list for you: https://affaircare.wordpress.com/articles/domestic-violence-safety-plan/