[MrK]

You don't need 2 weeks. 2 days is enough. There is no way you should need to go 2 weeks of quietly watchiing her little affair transpire under your own roof. Common decency states that you don't flaunt you're little lover boy under your husbands nose 4 hours a day.

 

[MrK]

Better idea. Tell her that you can't handle this little affair so you sought help on a self-help forum. Kind of a 12 step program to deal with affairs. The idea is to meet up with someone to vent while your spouse is screwing around. You are meeting your partner during naked Spades, or whatever it is they do. You're meeting HER in an hour. Tell her to text you when her little love session is over so you can come home.

I don't care what you do for 4 hours (you probably should use this time to go out and meet women, but I digress), just let her know you're not waiting for her. See if she can take 2 weeks of that.

 

[Eli-Zor]

Never leave the house, if anyone has to go it is her. Your wife is having an affair because you are allowing it. Get onto her facebook connect to the OM's page and record all his contacts onto a word document that you secure. Once done post I have words for a facebook exposure, the intent is to tell everyone that he cares for about the affair and that he is preying on your wife. At the same time as this exposure you will let her parents , siblings , your children and a few of her close friends know of the affair. The affair has to stop and the only way is for you to do this is to make it unpleasant for them.

The process I am giving you is one followed by marriage builders. Go to the affaircare.com site and read the articles.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

This is my opinion for what it's worth....

Cancel internet immediately.

Your wife is an addict, this is the greatest crisis of your life and perhaps the lives of your children.

This is not the time to sit back and see if your great speech has some impact... It wont.

Please don't kid yourself. Nothing good comes from your plan to give her 2 weeks... Nothing.

What are the 2 realistic scenario's that play out here???

(my bet) 1. She chooses him. (NEWSFLASH: she already has). It destroys you, impacts your children for the rest of their lives. Perhaps in ways you can't see right now, the learned behaviors the are being subjected to and will continue to be subjected to will determine your childrens character and directly impact their decision making. One bad decision they make in a future crisis can turn into a snowball that can not be stopped. These are some of the life coping skills they are going to take away from this. I dont want to be too dramatic here, but in the case of your repsonsibilities as a parent I don't think you have the luxury burying your head in the sand here... IMO... It's your responsibilty to examine "doomsday scenario's" when we are talking about protecting your children.

So, lets say scenario 1 plays out... In the short term a nuclear bomb is dropped on your childrens development as human beings, you endure unimaginable pain and anguish... but you all make it through... at least for now. Really who knows what long term impact will be, but those "bonus" symptoms get stored away for later... Call it a disfunction annuity.

So anyway, now W & OM openly get to try to live in the fantasy reality they have developed... LOL. This may give you some satification knowing this but... IT WILL BE A TRAINWRECK. I'm not going to spew stats and start another 5 paragraphs on this... but there is a unbeliveably high (I'd press 100% based on what youve said) chances this realtionship is DOOOOOMED... More emotional shrapnel for the babies who get to be exposed to mr. wonderful... and your kids get season passes to ride every ride at disfuctionland... This doesnt say anything about what the W you love is personally going to go through in this process... MMMmmmmmm fun.

2: Reality sets in (probably on OM's side) relationship with Dreamy McSpade fizzles and dies... This is the fun part... DS repaints how and why the affair tanked... In her head, it's your fault. But she is going to have to regroup (female tarzan relationship thoery) can't let go of this vine because she doesn't have ahold of another vine anymore... So, she decideds to play the "I choose my marriage/family" card... and you are none the wiser. Actually I would bet you would welcome a chance to believe that story (All LS's who want to save the marriage PRAY for this card to be played)... So, there we are... You have sent a clear message thats it's ok to cheat. She can do it and the consequences are... ??? Minimal or None. Your self respect is blasted, not only in her eyes, but in your own. What do you think the chances are that she is "open" to another affair? perhaps even seeks it? WHy not? It's exciting and fun, Husband will be a good dog if I keep giving him treats and make sure he knows who the boss is... and damn it, it's his fault I lost a chance to be with my "soulmate" Dreamy McSpade... So... on the cycle goes... Wash-Rinse-Repeat-Wash-Rinse-Repeat

You wanted straight forward... That's the reality your most likely looking at by letting her do this on her terms and giving her space to do it.

IMO: This can't end well.

Please consider this: You have nothing to lose. You have already lost your marriage, and your wife. At least the marriage and wife you knew. They are gone. Don't lose yourself, it's all you have left.

(and BTW; you would be wise to also listen to anything ELi-Zor shares with you.)

 

[bluesky]

I would not cancel the internet for ONE reason only.
I don't like where this is going.
She is disrespecting you, and continuing her affair AFTER discovery.

Print out everything and keep records.
Install a keylogger and get more info and exchanges.
Keep records of her medication and panic attacks.

This will be VERY useful when you go for sole custody.

 

[bluesky]

In the meantime, 180 her ass.

 

[HurtinginTN]

180? I'm not sure what you mean. I gave her the ring back last night. She called me a few minutes ago to tell me we are out of cat food and dog food. lol I give her the ring back and she calls about a honey-do list.

Me: "I feel quite naked."

Her: "That was your choice. I didn't ask for it back."

Me: "Well, you don't want a husband. I'll gladly put it back on and work on our marriage when you decide that is what you want. You don't give a s___ about me or our marriage."

Her: "That's not true. We can't get through this lying. You don't have to be mean."

Me: "We are in a ship during a storm. The ship is sinking. I am bailing it out, but you keep striking it with an axe."

Her: "I know all the things you know. That's why I'm so torn up."

Me: "You're torn up because you want him. You know that working out our marriage is the best thing. For the kids and us. But you don't give a s___ about me or our marriage."

Her: "That's not true. I care deeply about you and our marriage. When are you going to stop preaching to me?"

Me: "When are you going to stop striking the boat with an axe?"

That's where we left it. I am controlling and pushy. I am not keeping my word because I had said I would give her space. My "preaching" is only driving her further away. Yes, the reality is that she has already chosen him. She feels "torn" because she knows the right thing to do. Thus the analogy between breast cancer. She knows she needs to have a mastectomy to save herself, but she doesn't want to let go of the breast. Either option will bring pain. Giving him up will hurt her. Hurting me hurts her (or so she says. Personally, I don't think she gives a flip about my feelings or she wouldn't continue the affair.)

I agree that I should probably cut off the internet, block the website, tell her family, or all of the above. However, with her rebellious personality and the fact that our marriage is holding on with a very tiny thread, that would indeed be a nuclear bomb to our marriage. She is scheduled to see a counsellor next Tuesday. She set that up when the panic attacks were so horrible starting about a month ago. I took off several days of work to take care of her during her ordeal. Now, I see that this affair is the main, if not only, cause of her severe depression and anxiety. I admit fault in not meeting her emotional needs for all these years. I left her vulnerable to the affair. I have told her that. I have also taken steps to improve myself. I told her that I am going to become a damn good husband. It would be a shame for her to let some other woman reap the benefits of that.

Since she is going to see a counsellor, I will let it ride for 2 weeks. Hopefully, the counsellor with be worth a grain of salt and advise her that she needs to immediately end this affair. Maybe coming from a professional, she will listen. That is my only hope.

 

[HurtinginTN]

Does her upcoming appointment with a counsellor make a difference? Should I ride it out until then? She is going for the panic attacks, but surely this affair will be mentioned as the main cause of her anxiety. Will it make a difference coming from a professional or will my wife just twist things? I'm thinking she will minimize her time and attention on OM and make it out that I am too controlling. Therefore, the counsellor may just see her side of the story and tell her I am indeed the problem. Or should the counsellor be able to read between the lines and figure out what is truly going on?

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

depends on the counsellor.

yes, she will gaslight the counsellor.

yes, I suspect the counsellor will (could) eventually get to the root of the problem and likely give solid advice. If the counsellor gets an ear.

Question becomes.... how long will that take? will your W have cemented her decision and be unreceptive to the suggestions by then? will she discontinue the sessions? Does she think there's a real problem? (no.) Does she want help with her affair/marriage? (no.) Will your rebelious W listen to an authority figure telling her what she should do? Will the counsellor be focused on bonding (i.e. not alienating) your W.. in order to "break through" (eventually?) and do you think they value the billable hours that this process will generate?

Lots of variables there.

Just saying.

Up to you if u wanna pin the future of your family and your marriage soley on those unanswered questions.

(but, I will say its good shes going. hopefully its not another "management/stall" technique to placate you and buy more time to hit her crack pipe...)

OR...

You could act ?

*edit* either way... what Bluesky said deserves immediate action... regardless of which way you go or what you do... Do not ignore this if you choose to give her space (permission to keep being unfaithful) and keep giving her access to her boyfriend (internet access)...

I would not cancel the internet for ONE reason only.
I don't like where this is going.
She is disrespecting you, and continuing her affair AFTER discovery.

Print out everything and keep records.
Install a keylogger and get more info and exchanges.
Keep records of her medication and panic attacks.This will be VERY useful when you go for sole custody.

 

[HurtinginTN]

Act. My possibilities.

1. Cut off the internet or block Spadester. This seems to be the overwhelming majority of the advice.

Pro: It cuts off thier hours of playing spades and chatting with each other.

Con: She will be extremely angry. I am being controlling. "Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Had a wife but couldn't keep her. He put her in a pumpkin shell. There he kept her very well." I only see it as building her resentment and bitterness toward me, not a good thing for building a marriage. Also, she has his phone number. It very well could push her to phone conversations instead of playing games and chatting. Also, the kids enjoy playing games online.

2. Move out temporarily. Go live with my brother for a while.

Pro: It may cause a reality check and cause her to think more deeply about her fictional relationship.

Con: That would bring the whole thing out into the open. The kids, her family, my family, everyone would know about it. That again would build her resentment toward me. I don't think that would be healthy at this point.

3. Continue to hound her and "preach" to her constantly.

Pro: I don't think there is a pro to this one.

Con: I am just making her angry by my current actions. It is not bringing her closer to me, but driving her away.

4. Back off for 2 weeks (an arbitrary amount of time. I don't think I can handle longer, but it would give her some breathing room). I wouldn't give her a 2 week ultimatum, just know in my mind that it is just for 2 weeks. At boot camp at Parris Island, knowing it was just for a certain amount of time helped to deal with punches in the gut from drill instructors. Perhaps that would help me to leave her alone for 2 weeks.

Pro: It would show her that I am a willing to give her time to work this out on her own and that I am not controlling.

Con: It more likely would support her knowledge that I am a doormat. I have said that and she vehemently denies it. However, backing off and not complaining about this goes against every nerve in my body.

5. Tell her family. This is pretty much the same as #2 with the same effects.

6. Go to a trusted friend of the family, perhaps the pastor that married us. Her family still goes to church there. That is the next step on the one of the websites I looked at, I believe.

Pro: He may be able to call her and talk to her. I believe he would remain confidential. Perhaps a trusted third party telling her to give him up would be helpful.

Con: She would probably be very angry that I "dragged her through the mud" with him.

None of the options are pleasing. There is certainly no easy way out of this thing. I know everyone tells me that #4 will not work. However, if it has gone on this long, can another couple of weeks hurt our marriage that bad? It has been 2 weeks since I found out. I am leaning heavily toward #4. I will quit "preaching" and leave her alone. It looks to me the same as #2, but I still get to spend time with the kids in the evenings.

Well, wish me luck in this endeavor. I did tell my boss today. I don't want him thinking I don't want my job. I told him I'm sorry my head hasn't been too clear lately. He was very supportive and I have full confidence that he will keep it confidential.

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

Be clear on this, you are p*ssy footing for fear of upsetting the wife further... That "threat" in your head has you managed. That is her goal, and it's working.

This "controlling" thing she has in your head is the steering wheel, your obvious "hot button". Any pressure you put on her or anything you do that threatens her addiction and she yanks the steering wheel that direction and punches that button in.... and you back down...

I don't know why that is your hot button.. Only you would know that.

You need to take some control of this situation, if you hope to influence the outcome.

There is subtle and clear difference there...

Control is the ability to purposefully direct, or suppress, change.

Controlling is to exercise authoritative or dominating influence over.

 

[HurtinginTN]

Well, I got the CD's on control issues yesterday. I listened to the first CD on the way to work. It has 12 questions each to determine if you are the controlling or the passive partner. I answered Yes to a couple of the controlling questions (1 of which is has your partner called you controlling). I answered Yes to all of the passive questions. She is looking at me like a mirror when she calls me controlling, isn't she.

I am being managed.

 

[Eli-Zor]

You are fearful of your wife's reaction, stop being so she is no longer your wife and if you want her back you do all that is required to stop the affair. Tell her family, cut the Internet link, go for the OM via his family and friends , if she rants and raves offer her a cookie and keep to your marriage boundary , you will not tolerate an affair. You never leave your home, if she decides to go she goes of her own accord and she continues to pay half the bills. Keep firm, be strong and stop analysing what your WW will think, at this moment she does not care for you.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[paramore]

I am with everyone else on here Hurt, she should be the one to leave if anyone does. If she chooses to keep doing this then she needs to go. I had my husband delete her digits and get rid of her on fb, luckily she blocked both of us, and I know that for a fact because he very begrudgingly gave me his passwords. Tell her family, tell your family, tell his family. Concentrate on yourself and your kids, be the better man by becoming a better man, hopefully she'll pull her head out of you know where and realize what she would be losing and come home and you can work it out.

I know I am praying for the day where everything starts to feel right and good again, I hope that day comes for you too.

 

[HurtinginTN]

I attempted the "leave it alone" theory last night. I did pretty good, I think. She did cook us a nice supper. However, she had already eaten and was playing with him by the time I got home. Mine was in the microwave. It was very delicious and I have the rest here for lunch. At around 10:30, we discovered a leak in the roof. I patched it temporarily and will have to fix it better tomorrow. We sat down and played a game of Spider Solitaire and shared a cigarette. (I started back smoking the day after I discoverd the affair was actually what I suspected it was.) I thought we were going to bed, but she just sat there. I said, "You're going back to him at 10:40?"

Her: "Now you're trying to tell me when I should go to bed? I told him I heard a leak and I would be back."

Me: "Well, you don't want to disappoint the boyfriend. The husband don't mean s____, but you don't want to disappoint your boyfriend."

Her: "Why are you being like this? I cooked us a nice supper and did the dishes. You're upset because I didn't do everything you wanted me to do."

Me: "Well, you are having an affair right in front of my face. You don't give a f___ about me. You don't give a f___ about our marriage. You don't give a f___ about our kids."

Then, I walked out of the room. She came down and we talked for a few minutes. I said that I don't like her right now and I know she doesn't like me. We have 3 kids. The best thing for our children would be for us to work on our marriage and make it a great marriage. Our example will drasically affect the marriages of our children. For that reason alone, we should work this out. We can't work it out until she ends the affair.

She said, "Well, that's where you're mistaken. I don't want to work on our marriage."

Well, that pretty much sums it up. Her actions have said it for months. What now? I know, I need to expose the affair. Should I get a keylogger for proof when she tries to twist things for her family, etc.? How does that work? It won't show his side of the conversations. Wouldn't it only show what she types? Most of the interaction is just playing the game, which is done by mouse. The keylogger wouldn't reflect the time spent devoted to playing the game with him. That is the worst part.

 

[paramore]

when it comes to the computer techie stuff, I have zero clue, she could very well be emailing him as well, does she have facebook, if so see if he's on her page and see if you can get into either account so you have something you can actually print out. Kick her to the curb!!!! and the kids stay with you. Hopefully that will get the ball rolling in your favor. Tell her I don't want you in my home or our marriage while you continue to have this affair, when you are ready to contact him and say it's over and willing to fix our marriage, then you may come home.

I know for a fact if I find out my husband is having contact with the EA woman, after Monday, I will have his bags packed and sitting by the door when he gets home from work, and will not be allowed back into our home to live until he ends it forever and is willing to be physically/emotionally faithful to me, while he is still married to me. (Honestly if I caught him doing it again at this point, after all we've gone through, I will be done with it.) But again, my situation is weird and waaayyyy messed up lol.

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

Brother... Please listen.

Install a keylogger immediately. If you dont find the courage to do anything else, DO THIS.

Wont upset her because she wont know so your safe... No scalding of the dog. It will gather MUCH NEEDED information regardless of the path you choose. Information is power. Don't be the helpless victim here....

This window you have is very small and very tight. If you do not take some action... even if it's "passive action" (ie; keylogger, phone record documentation, etc..etc...) you will regret it.

I promise you soon you will come back here with your head clear and you will be ready to take real action... Things will change, this will deteriorate... You will discover this is an iceburg and it's much worse than you think right now... there is still residual denial in you right now, helping you cope with this horrible pain. That pain and denial along with the fear and indecision caused by your wife's gaslighting are preventing you from taking action.

 

[HurtinginTN]

Well, I just called her. We talked for 38 minutes, just under the 42 minutes she talked to him. I have very mixed emotions about the outcome. Since I will not leave it alone, I am forcing her to make a decision.

"I will play with him tonight. I will tell him that it is over. I am not doing this for you. I am doing this for the kids. I will play the beautiful wife and mother role. I will never like you, nor love you. You have forced me to do something that I don't want to do. I will pretend to have a happy marriage for my kids' sake."

"Pretending won't work."

"We've been pretending for years."

"Then we'll work on our marriage?"

"NO, I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR YOU!!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW THAT YOU GET YOUR WAY?"

"Maybe we can go to marriage counselling."

"I'M NOT GOING TO F___ING MARRIAGE COUNSELLING! I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR YOU! I AM DOING THIS FOR THE KIDS!"

"So, you'll end the affair, but hold bitterness and resentment toward me for the rest of our lives?"

"YES"

OK, ending the affair was the most important thing for my marriage, according to all of the experts. Now what? Why do I feel worse now than before she said she would end it? There is no remorse on her part at all, just anger that I "forced" her into a decision. What do I do now?

 

[SadSamIAm]

I doubt that her statement about what she is going to do tonight is going to end the affair. You can't trust what she is telling you. Make sure that you are sitting there when she tells him that it is over.

Install the Key Logger so that you know what she tells him when you aren't there. She will for sure be in contact with him someway afterwards.

 

[HurtinginTN]

She said she won't do it in front of me. I have to leave her alone while she does it. I can't find a keylogger except for online. I will not be able to install it before tonight.