My wife has been having an emotional affair for months. She has been playing online spades with this guy for about 8 months (she said the time frame, I haven't been tracking it). She plays for hours nearly every night. The only time she doesn't play with him is when he is not there. He'll even go so far as to let her know if he isn't going to be playing. "I'll be gone until Sunday." I have been arguing that this relationship is wrong for months. However, she has continually insisted that it is just fun. 12 days ago, I came across (accidentally) some google searches. "Falling in love on the internet", "Getting over an emotional affair", and several searches for him. Supposedly, she only knows his first name and last initial and that he lives in Denver. I confronted her and she admitted that she had lied. She said she wouldn't play with him again. She has played every single night and has even called him. I don't believe they have ever met. She says she needs time to end it in her own way. She can't feel forced to end her relationship with him. How do I give her space to do that while she tears my heart out every night?
Dealing with an ongoing emotional affair
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HurtinginTN
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DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!
Come on, you can handle a petulant child for a couple more months. Don't do anything reckless that could endanger your access to your children.
What does your lawyer say?
Who else have you exposed to? Her friends? Siblings? Cousins? Priest?
Come on, you can handle a petulant child for a couple more months. Don't do anything reckless that could endanger your access to your children.
What does your lawyer say?
Who else have you exposed to? Her friends? Siblings? Cousins? Priest?
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:iagree:
f*ck her logic. It's fogged.
DON'T: Your wife is cheating on you. You are NOT going to leave your home. She would love for you to leave. She will have a modem in a matter of minutes, and plane tickets for him within the week. She would also have immediate grounds for "abandonment" she gets house, kids, alimony, child support, AND she gets Dreamy McSpade all on your f*cking dime.
No. Your not leaving.
DO: Pressure, non-stop, relentless pressure. Financially cut her off immediately. No more counselor, no more access to bank accounts, no more money to pay her phone bill to conduct the affair.
BTW, she can access the internet from her phone directly or using it to tether her laptop to it for internet access.
BTW II, if you can't get her out of the house, then do what you can to remove her legally. Start divorce proceedings.
BTW III, so what if the children are with her all day at the house. She is using them as hostages in her affair! Document this for the divorce. As in, phone calls during the day when they are home, etc. If he drops by. If she leaves them unattended.
BTW IV, I think you are at an end in your marriage. Act accordingly.
BTW II, if you can't get her out of the house, then do what you can to remove her legally. Start divorce proceedings.
BTW III, so what if the children are with her all day at the house. She is using them as hostages in her affair! Document this for the divorce. As in, phone calls during the day when they are home, etc. If he drops by. If she leaves them unattended.
BTW IV, I think you are at an end in your marriage. Act accordingly.
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Please do this. You can always reset things later if she backs down.
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DO NOT MOVE OUT. If she wants to have an affair, SHE can leave. If she continues to carry on, I would seriously consider filing for divorce and having her served right at home.
Cut off all financial support that isn't related to your children. Stop paying for her IC.
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IC? I don't know what that is.
OK, I get it. Moving out is a bad idea.
OK, I get it. Moving out is a bad idea.
Stay put!!!!!!
But do cut off funds for her to pay for the affair.
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Independant Counseling. Her personal shrink.
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OK, thanks. I agree. Her counsellor actually told her I am not her father and she is not my daughter because I yanked the modem. I paid a pretty penny for her to give my wife that advice!
You have an outline for a plan in my previous posts.
You are being a doormat, fight for your children and yourself, your wife can follow or fall as she chooses. When I said register the children at school I meant it, take all monies away she has access to none. Cancel all counciling , start exposing the affair to her friends.
Do not dally act now .
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You are being a doormat, fight for your children and yourself, your wife can follow or fall as she chooses. When I said register the children at school I meant it, take all monies away she has access to none. Cancel all counciling , start exposing the affair to her friends.
Do not dally act now .
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The schools are on spring break. I'll call them when they return. I have been considering enrolling them. With it so late in the school year, I don't know if that will work. I will check with them when they get back from spring break.
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Okay note to self: If her name is on the lease/deed and her name is on the mortgage, then you do not have the right to kick her out as it is also her property. If her name is not on the lease/deed AND her name is not on the mortgage, then you absolutely can. If her name is on one (lease/deed or mortgage) and not the other...OR if her name is on the lease/deed and on the mortgage, I would recommend filing for Legal Separation and motioning for Exclusive Use of the home.
Legal Separation is not divorcing, but it is a way of having the courts enforce things rather than just you trying to force her or her trying to force you. Exclusive Use means that in your separation papers, you indicate to the judge that you want to separate, she is having an affair and has left the family and children for this other person, and you want to give the children as much stability as possible--thus as the parent who is thinking of THEIR BEST INTEREST you want them to be able to stay in the family home with you, in their beds, with their "things." Based on the fact that she has mentally, emotionally, and sexually abandoned the marriage (and you have not) you ask the judge to allow you to exclusively use the marital home and order her to leave--and give you primarily residential custody so the kids can remain in their family home.
Once the judge orders exclusive use and primarily custody, she has X number of days to be out, and the kids stay. Furthermore, a court will enforce that, not you.
Right now she is in a fog of thinking, "I've been their mom, so I'll get the kids, the house, and his money (child support and alimony)" but when reality hits her squarely in the face--that she's going to lose her kids, her home, and won't have NEARLY as much of your money as her fog-think believes--she'll either come around AND QUICK or she'll harden her heart and plunge deeper into the fog.
Legal Separation is not divorcing, but it is a way of having the courts enforce things rather than just you trying to force her or her trying to force you. Exclusive Use means that in your separation papers, you indicate to the judge that you want to separate, she is having an affair and has left the family and children for this other person, and you want to give the children as much stability as possible--thus as the parent who is thinking of THEIR BEST INTEREST you want them to be able to stay in the family home with you, in their beds, with their "things." Based on the fact that she has mentally, emotionally, and sexually abandoned the marriage (and you have not) you ask the judge to allow you to exclusively use the marital home and order her to leave--and give you primarily residential custody so the kids can remain in their family home.
Once the judge orders exclusive use and primarily custody, she has X number of days to be out, and the kids stay. Furthermore, a court will enforce that, not you.
Right now she is in a fog of thinking, "I've been their mom, so I'll get the kids, the house, and his money (child support and alimony)" but when reality hits her squarely in the face--that she's going to lose her kids, her home, and won't have NEARLY as much of your money as her fog-think believes--she'll either come around AND QUICK or she'll harden her heart and plunge deeper into the fog.
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Tennessee. I have exposed to family and friends. He is a single man, so there aren't many to expose to on his end. His dad and step-mother know. He spent a week with them a while back on vacation, so there is some relationship there. He did tell them he had been playing spades with someone, so she (the step-mom that I talked to) knew I wasn't making things up. According to my wife, his step-mom talked to him. He told my wife, she told me. According to her version, the step-mom followed through what she told me she would do. She agreed that she didn't want to see a marriage break up.
Since my wife still insists on continuing this thing, I do believe my next step must be to talk to an attorney. Her name is on the deed. Perhaps I need to start a new thread on the "Separation and Divorce" room.
Since my wife still insists on continuing this thing, I do believe my next step must be to talk to an attorney. Her name is on the deed. Perhaps I need to start a new thread on the "Separation and Divorce" room.
Rock the boat, take your time and slowly maneuver her out of the way. Get a a nasty attorney,she is not playing fair, so do not be nice.
At this moment your wife is in the flush of the affair, once it gets unpleasant and the consequences become clear life become a little more real.
Buy a var and hide it in the car as well as a GPS. You will need the evidence. Secure the devices, many BS have fallen foul because the device comes loose.
If you know who he is can you hire a PI to find his place of works and home address.
At this moment your wife is in the flush of the affair, once it gets unpleasant and the consequences become clear life become a little more real.
Buy a var and hide it in the car as well as a GPS. You will need the evidence. Secure the devices, many BS have fallen foul because the device comes loose.
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Anger has been my predominant emotion the past month. Today, anger has subsided and extreme pain has replaced it. Any suggestions on dealing with the wave of hurt?
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In many cases the last thing you want is to be around people. There can be any number of emotions going on in you that cause you to withdraw from other people in these situations, DON'T.... get support. Family, Friends, church groups, even forums like this one...
Surround yourself with support. Face the pain, do not hide it, do not try to "tough it out" and supress the emotions. It will only make things worse. These emotions need an outlet this is perfectly normal. You have experienced great loss, purge that darkness and pain out of your soul.
I don't advocate showing any emotion to your DS, as sick as it is, this is counter productive. But, get away from her and CRY. If you feel a need to cry, don't push that down, let it out. Weep and blubber like child if you need to. It's healthy. Face the pain.
I personally went to church every Sunday for a month as an outlet to ball my eyes out. I actually said to myself, Im going to church today to cry... and I did. I can't tell you how theraputic that was helping my get through the stage where the feelings of utter loneliness and desolation, betrayal and hurt are crippling.
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Did your wife ever meet or kiss that guy? Or it's just about playing online game thing?
Why don't you join the game and play with your wife instead?
I don't believe they have ever met in person. No, it's much more than a game. I have offered to play spades with her many times over the last 9 months. Our daughters like it and we did play a few games together around the kitchen table. It has nothing to do with the game. It has everything to do with him.
There was sexual talk on the chat. The only reason it is still an EA instead of a PA is the distance between CO and TN. There are also numerous phone calls from her prepaid phone.
Crying is exactly what I've felt like doing all day. This pain is excruciating. I've been trying to hold it together and get some work done.
Why don't you join the game and play with your wife instead?
I don't believe they have ever met in person. No, it's much more than a game. I have offered to play spades with her many times over the last 9 months. Our daughters like it and we did play a few games together around the kitchen table. It has nothing to do with the game. It has everything to do with him.
There was sexual talk on the chat. The only reason it is still an EA instead of a PA is the distance between CO and TN. There are also numerous phone calls from her prepaid phone.
Crying is exactly what I've felt like doing all day. This pain is excruciating. I've been trying to hold it together and get some work done.
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