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Dealing with an ongoing emotional affair

90K views 469 replies 46 participants last post by  KathyGriffinFan  
#1 ·
My wife has been having an emotional affair for months. She has been playing online spades with this guy for about 8 months (she said the time frame, I haven't been tracking it). She plays for hours nearly every night. The only time she doesn't play with him is when he is not there. He'll even go so far as to let her know if he isn't going to be playing. "I'll be gone until Sunday." I have been arguing that this relationship is wrong for months. However, she has continually insisted that it is just fun. 12 days ago, I came across (accidentally) some google searches. "Falling in love on the internet", "Getting over an emotional affair", and several searches for him. Supposedly, she only knows his first name and last initial and that he lives in Denver. I confronted her and she admitted that she had lied. She said she wouldn't play with him again. She has played every single night and has even called him. I don't believe they have ever met. She says she needs time to end it in her own way. She can't feel forced to end her relationship with him. How do I give her space to do that while she tears my heart out every night?
 
#2 ·
I'm sorry your here.

She says she needs time to end it in her own way.
TRANSLATION: She wants to see how this plays out (with him). She wants to cheat on her terms, and end it by her choice (if thats her choice). If she has any indication that he feels the same way about her, the "game" is on. Look forward to chasing shadows, and the worst mental anguish of your life.

She can't feel forced to end her relationship with him.
That is a veiled threat/intimidation statement, she is insinuating that if you "force her" to give him up there will be consequences(common WS "fog" (addict) tactic)

How do I give her space to do that while she tears my heart out every night?
You don't.
 
#3 ·
No! You don't give her space. Stand up for yourself! Why would you let her continue doing this after you told her it's ripping your heart out! People who really love you dont continue to make you feel that way after they know what their actions are doing to you. Tell her to end it, or get out. It's that simple.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#4 ·
I had the same problem w/ Farm ville-divorce the B. she has problems beyond just an emotional affair, her problem is also the game,it's an addiction and almost impossible for them to see, it's NOT just "FUN" or just a game, this is real life and what is she doing?? Playing a game?? For real? Get a life, get a job, clean the house-join the real world or hit the bricks!!
Mouse
 
#5 ·
Well, we have 3 kids, ages 7, 8, and 10. If there were no kids, I would most likely leave. However, I believe strongly that it would be best for all of us to save our marriage. She says she is torn and it's eating her up inside. She is a good mother. She home-schools the kids all day. When I get home, she takes a break. For the past 8 months, that break has been with him. That is my main problem. The kids are going to spend a couple of nights with their aunt and uncle. Tonight and tomorrow night, we will be in the house alone. My hope is that she will give him up for at least these two nights and spend time with me. If not, it appears that our marriage is finished. I just want to do all that I can to save it.
 
#7 ·
My hope is that she will give him up for at least these two nights and spend time with me. If not, it appears that our marriage is finished. I just want to do all that I can to save it.
I understand the childrens thing all to well, if thats your reason for trying to save your marriage... its the best one there is. But don't halfway... dont use the kids as a reason to enable her actions. Martyrdom will not save your marriage. Putting up with her affair in the "name of the children" will NOT SAVE your marriage.

Read what you wrote... "You hope she gives him up for a least two nights to spend time with you".

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but... That's pathetic.

You want your marriage? Take action.

and...

Let me stop you right now with "if not it appears my marriage is over"...

Your marriage is not over. If you continue down the path of enabling her to continue this it will be. But, it won't be quick and it will be ruthlessly painful and damaging to you, your children and everyone in your lives. Infidelity is not a gunshot, it's a nuclear bomb.

If your mentally throwing in the towel "if" she doesn't choose to spend time with her husband rather than her cyber lover... That's just you giving yourself permission not to fight and do the right thing, the tough thing in order to save your marriage. "oh it's over anyway" is an rationalization for not fighting. Maybe for fear of losing? maybe you hate confrontation? fear? I don't know. But, I do know your marriage is not over unless you quit your marriage. This fight is fresh, first shots fired.... No time to start waving a white flag yet... your kids need you. Your wife needs you.

Buck up brother, you got work to do. ;)
 
#6 ·
To the OP, dude, you gotta stop doing this to yourself and letting her make you a doormat. Once you found out about her EA, it should of ended that same night. She doesn't get to "tip-toe" her way out of it, or around it. You shoulda told her this ends now, or we end now. She's torn... over an EA??? You aren't being firm enough on this one, she cuts it off immediately and that's that or else its over!!!
 
#8 ·
You're right, it does sound pathetic. I have told her that I feel like a doormat. She sends quite conflicting messages. She'll snuggle up with me at night, which is a change for her. It's been years since we have cuddled. She says that is a good sign. Today, I had the horrifying thought that I may be him in her mind at night. She plays for hours with him, then snuggles up with me. I have taken it that she is becoming closer to me because I am being patient with her about this thing, at least trying to. However, now I wonder which it is. My world has been turned upside down and I don't know which way is up. You're right, I've got work to do.
 
#9 · (Edited)
She sends quite conflicting messages. She'll snuggle up with me at night, which is a change for her. It's been years since we have cuddled. She says that is a good sign.
I'm sorry, your being managed.

I have taken it that she is becoming closer to me because I am being patient with her about this thing, at least trying to.
Two scenario's

her attentive behavior is reactive...

Generally before the affair is out in the open, or in some cases after it is this type of behavior is called "guilt driven attentiveness". The cheater is often times so wracked with guilt that they overcompensate and smother their mate with newfound affection...

Or (my bet) her behavior is proactive...

It could be interpreted as subtle conditioning.... bribing, bread crumbs, Little treats for "thanks for letting me keep doing what I'm doing, here are some bread crumbs"... "roll over, sit up, good boy! Here's a treat." (sorry if that sounds harsh or dramatic, I just want you to paint a picture in your head and get the idea)

Clear message: You be good and you get awards...

which would fit and be the other side of this coin she showed you...

HurtinginTN said:
She can't feel forced to end her relationship with him.
Clear message: if you "force her" to give him up there will be consequences.

Either way she is managing you to keep her addiction fix going...

IMO.
 
#10 ·
Blocking the website would be a way to "force" her to stop her actions. She would take that as being controlling. She would automatically know that I did it, so it wouldn't be a sneaky way to block her. I suppose I am being managed. Perhaps she is trying to figure out "How much can I get away with?" Good dog, roll over. That is harsh, but very true. Reality is harsh, especially my reality right now. I also agree about the "fix". It is very similar to a drug addiction. My counsellor even said that it's like a heroin addict. They know the shot is not healthy, but they neglect their health for that quick high. She knows this is not healthy for our marriage, but she needs something this affair is giving her.

Please don't worry about being harsh in your advice to me. I appreciate all of the feedback. I am extremely weak right now. She lied to me for all this time and made me feel like it was all in my mind. "It's just a game." "I work hard all day and I need a break. It's just innocent fun." I feel very defeated and broken. Your responses are helping me to see what I really need to see. It is taking away the doubt in my mind over whether I am overreacting. She has maintained that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, even after I saw her google searches.
 
#11 ·
Well, last week I asked her for a date on Saturday night. That was last Thursday. She said, "Let's see how the next couple of days go." I took it as "I don't want to give up my time with him to spend time with you." Apparently, we (me and the other guy) have the same work schedule. He is available almost the exact times I am. As soon as I get home from work, he is there to play until time for bed (or later). That simmered in me all day, so that night I worked late. I was there on Spadester when he showed up. I watched him sit there at a table alone from 6:15 pm until she showed up about 6:45. She showed up and sat down. They immediately started chatting. "I got booted last night." "Me, too." The site crashes fairly often and many of thier nights end when they can't get back online. I sat down and typed "Me, too." "Stay away from my wife" "It's time for this little affair to end." Then, I left to go home. We had a very bad fight on the way home. She said "Don't come home." I said, "Your the cheater. You leave. I'm not leaving." About halfway home, I felt that I had messed up. I started crying and called her to tell her I'm sorry. She said it was over. That night, she went for a walk and took my cell phone. Later, I noticed a call for 42 minutes to Denver, where he lives. She said she had only gotten his number that night and called him because she was so embarrassed. Saturday night rolled around and she played with him. That strengthened my view that he was the reason for the delay in committing to a date.

In other words, I tried to have a date with her and she rejected me for him. Tonight and tomorrow night, the kids will be away. If she cares at all about the marriage, we can have some time alone. I expect her to play with him. I am still debating on how to handle that.
 
#14 ·
I honestly think you are going to have to take some drastic steps here. Show her that you mean business. In my opinion from reading your OP, it's the only way you can make it work. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Right now you are showing her that she can still string you along.
 
#15 ·
Well, my question is answered. She has been having trouble with panic attacks the past month or so. My theory is that this affair has brought them on. She has been on a new medication for a couple of weeks that has prevented them. She called me and was having one. She's nervous because the kids are leaving for a few days. That means we will be alone in the house. As I was thinking that would be a good time for us to work on our marriage, she is thinking that I will be "pressuring" her. I'm pressuring her to go on a date or spend time with me. She doesn't like to feel "pressured". Also, she won't get her quiet time with her cyber lover if I'm not downstairs taking care of the kids. Therefore, her stress level has risen to the point of giving her a panic attack. She doesn't see that the affair is the problem. My getting upset over the affair is the problem. I said I would give her space, but my attitude sucks. So I am being controlling. I don't like her spending time with him, but I try to leave her alone when the kids are there. Since she will be alone with me, she is getting stressed out. I guess that shows my place. I don't want to go home either. A man shouldn't dread going to his own home. It should be a place of refuge, not a place of torture. I'm going crazy.
 
#16 ·
If I were you, I would remove the internet from my home. By continuing to pay for it, you are enabling her. Stand your ground. Tell her you won't in anyway support her actions regarding the affair. You can't make your wife respect you, but you can respect yourself. You are letting her treat you like a doormat. Stand up for yourself, your marriage, and your home.

And I know how you feel about not wanting to go home. I have been there quite alot within the past year. It's not a good feeling.
 
#18 ·
HuntinginTN, you have made the waters rough enough yet, why would she stop what she is doing. First of all you shouldn't of said sorry for telling him to leave your wife alone. You had every right to do what you did.

Like others have said, she needs to be shooken up, seriously. Now that the kids are away, i would in the middle of the day quietly pack my things in front of her and say, "End this NOW or else i'm walking out the door and never returning." and proceed to head towards the door. If this doesn't shake her to her core... nothing will. Screw her panick attacks, they are self-inflicted over the guilt of what she's doing. She has to realize that in a marraige, you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. She wants him, she can go to him, but it won't be with me in the picture and she can explain to the kids eventually why i am not home when they call.
 
#20 ·
Well, we went for a walk last night. We didn't talk much. When we got back, she went straight to the computer and looked at me like, "Well, go out. You said you would give me my space, but you're not doing it." I told her that this affair is a cancer in our marriage. If not cut out, it will kill the marriage. She said that it is not my decision, it is hers to make. She said that I can't control her actions, but I should do whatever I have to do. I told her, "You know what I want. I want to make this marriage work. It can't work with 3 people. The best thing for our children is to make this marriage work. Not only for now, but for their future marriages. Our example will be the most prominent example in thier lives of how a marriage should be. If we work together and build a great marriage, the chances of our children having great marriages will be greatly increased." I took off my wedding ring and told her, "When you gave me this ring, you wanted a husband. Now, you are telling me to leave you alone so you can continue this affair with a man you know nothing about. He has 2 kids that he only sees once or twice a year. Obviously, he has already wrecked his marriage. Now he is working hard to wreck ours. By continuing this affair, you are saying that me, our marriage, and our children are like a piece of trash to be wadded up and thrown in the garbage." I took a napkin laying on the desk, wadded it up, and threw it in the garbage. "When you decide you want a husband, I will be very happy to put this ring back on. You know how I feel, the ball is in your court." Then I went out and slept on the couch. The kids will also be gone tonight. I may or may not go home tonight. I don't want to move out because of the kids. However, I will not be catering to her while she is in this affair. Today is day 14 from the time I found the google searches. I'll give her 2 weeks of leaving her completely alone. Then, I will re-evaluate our situation.
 
#21 ·
You don't need 2 weeks. 2 days is enough. There is no way you should need to go 2 weeks of quietly watchiing her little affair transpire under your own roof. Common decency states that you don't flaunt you're little lover boy under your husbands nose 4 hours a day.
 
#22 ·
Better idea. Tell her that you can't handle this little affair so you sought help on a self-help forum. Kind of a 12 step program to deal with affairs. The idea is to meet up with someone to vent while your spouse is screwing around. You are meeting your partner during naked Spades, or whatever it is they do. You're meeting HER in an hour. Tell her to text you when her little love session is over so you can come home.

I don't care what you do for 4 hours (you probably should use this time to go out and meet women, but I digress), just let her know you're not waiting for her. See if she can take 2 weeks of that.
 
#23 ·
Never leave the house, if anyone has to go it is her. Your wife is having an affair because you are allowing it. Get onto her facebook connect to the OM's page and record all his contacts onto a word document that you secure. Once done post I have words for a facebook exposure, the intent is to tell everyone that he cares for about the affair and that he is preying on your wife. At the same time as this exposure you will let her parents , siblings , your children and a few of her close friends know of the affair. The affair has to stop and the only way is for you to do this is to make it unpleasant for them.

The process I am giving you is one followed by marriage builders. Go to the affaircare.com site and read the articles.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#24 · (Edited)
This is my opinion for what it's worth....

Cancel internet immediately.

Your wife is an addict, this is the greatest crisis of your life and perhaps the lives of your children.

This is not the time to sit back and see if your great speech has some impact... It wont.

Please don't kid yourself. Nothing good comes from your plan to give her 2 weeks... Nothing.

What are the 2 realistic scenario's that play out here???

(my bet) 1. She chooses him. (NEWSFLASH: she already has). It destroys you, impacts your children for the rest of their lives. Perhaps in ways you can't see right now, the learned behaviors the are being subjected to and will continue to be subjected to will determine your childrens character and directly impact their decision making. One bad decision they make in a future crisis can turn into a snowball that can not be stopped. These are some of the life coping skills they are going to take away from this. I dont want to be too dramatic here, but in the case of your repsonsibilities as a parent I don't think you have the luxury burying your head in the sand here... IMO... It's your responsibilty to examine "doomsday scenario's" when we are talking about protecting your children.

So, lets say scenario 1 plays out... In the short term a nuclear bomb is dropped on your childrens development as human beings, you endure unimaginable pain and anguish... but you all make it through... at least for now. Really who knows what long term impact will be, but those "bonus" symptoms get stored away for later... Call it a disfunction annuity.

So anyway, now W & OM openly get to try to live in the fantasy reality they have developed... LOL. This may give you some satification knowing this but... IT WILL BE A TRAINWRECK. I'm not going to spew stats and start another 5 paragraphs on this... but there is a unbeliveably high (I'd press 100% based on what youve said) chances this realtionship is DOOOOOMED... More emotional shrapnel for the babies who get to be exposed to mr. wonderful... and your kids get season passes to ride every ride at disfuctionland... This doesnt say anything about what the W you love is personally going to go through in this process... MMMmmmmmm fun.

2: Reality sets in (probably on OM's side) relationship with Dreamy McSpade fizzles and dies... This is the fun part... DS repaints how and why the affair tanked... In her head, it's your fault. But she is going to have to regroup (female tarzan relationship thoery) can't let go of this vine because she doesn't have ahold of another vine anymore... So, she decideds to play the "I choose my marriage/family" card... and you are none the wiser. Actually I would bet you would welcome a chance to believe that story (All LS's who want to save the marriage PRAY for this card to be played)... So, there we are... You have sent a clear message thats it's ok to cheat. She can do it and the consequences are... ??? Minimal or None. Your self respect is blasted, not only in her eyes, but in your own. What do you think the chances are that she is "open" to another affair? perhaps even seeks it? WHy not? It's exciting and fun, Husband will be a good dog if I keep giving him treats and make sure he knows who the boss is... and damn it, it's his fault I lost a chance to be with my "soulmate" Dreamy McSpade... So... on the cycle goes... Wash-Rinse-Repeat-Wash-Rinse-Repeat

You wanted straight forward... That's the reality your most likely looking at by letting her do this on her terms and giving her space to do it.

IMO: This can't end well.

Please consider this: You have nothing to lose. You have already lost your marriage, and your wife. At least the marriage and wife you knew. They are gone. Don't lose yourself, it's all you have left.

(and BTW; you would be wise to also listen to anything ELi-Zor shares with you.)
 
#25 ·
I would not cancel the internet for ONE reason only.
I don't like where this is going.
She is disrespecting you, and continuing her affair AFTER discovery.

Print out everything and keep records.
Install a keylogger and get more info and exchanges.
Keep records of her medication and panic attacks.

This will be VERY useful when you go for sole custody.
 
#29 · (Edited)
depends on the counsellor.

yes, she will gaslight the counsellor.

yes, I suspect the counsellor will (could) eventually get to the root of the problem and likely give solid advice. If the counsellor gets an ear.

Question becomes.... how long will that take? will your W have cemented her decision and be unreceptive to the suggestions by then? will she discontinue the sessions? Does she think there's a real problem? (no.) Does she want help with her affair/marriage? (no.) Will your rebelious W listen to an authority figure telling her what she should do? Will the counsellor be focused on bonding (i.e. not alienating) your W.. in order to "break through" (eventually?) and do you think they value the billable hours that this process will generate?

Lots of variables there.

Just saying.

Up to you if u wanna pin the future of your family and your marriage soley on those unanswered questions.

(but, I will say its good shes going. hopefully its not another "management/stall" technique to placate you and buy more time to hit her crack pipe...)

OR...

You could act ?

*edit* either way... what Bluesky said deserves immediate action... regardless of which way you go or what you do... Do not ignore this if you choose to give her space (permission to keep being unfaithful) and keep giving her access to her boyfriend (internet access)...

I would not cancel the internet for ONE reason only.
I don't like where this is going.
She is disrespecting you, and continuing her affair AFTER discovery.

Print out everything and keep records.
Install a keylogger and get more info and exchanges.
Keep records of her medication and panic attacks.
This will be VERY useful when you go for sole custody.
 
#27 ·
180? I'm not sure what you mean. I gave her the ring back last night. She called me a few minutes ago to tell me we are out of cat food and dog food. lol I give her the ring back and she calls about a honey-do list.

Me: "I feel quite naked."

Her: "That was your choice. I didn't ask for it back."

Me: "Well, you don't want a husband. I'll gladly put it back on and work on our marriage when you decide that is what you want. You don't give a s___ about me or our marriage."

Her: "That's not true. We can't get through this lying. You don't have to be mean."

Me: "We are in a ship during a storm. The ship is sinking. I am bailing it out, but you keep striking it with an axe."

Her: "I know all the things you know. That's why I'm so torn up."

Me: "You're torn up because you want him. You know that working out our marriage is the best thing. For the kids and us. But you don't give a s___ about me or our marriage."

Her: "That's not true. I care deeply about you and our marriage. When are you going to stop preaching to me?"

Me: "When are you going to stop striking the boat with an axe?"

That's where we left it. I am controlling and pushy. I am not keeping my word because I had said I would give her space. My "preaching" is only driving her further away. Yes, the reality is that she has already chosen him. She feels "torn" because she knows the right thing to do. Thus the analogy between breast cancer. She knows she needs to have a mastectomy to save herself, but she doesn't want to let go of the breast. Either option will bring pain. Giving him up will hurt her. Hurting me hurts her (or so she says. Personally, I don't think she gives a flip about my feelings or she wouldn't continue the affair.)

I agree that I should probably cut off the internet, block the website, tell her family, or all of the above. However, with her rebellious personality and the fact that our marriage is holding on with a very tiny thread, that would indeed be a nuclear bomb to our marriage. She is scheduled to see a counsellor next Tuesday. She set that up when the panic attacks were so horrible starting about a month ago. I took off several days of work to take care of her during her ordeal. Now, I see that this affair is the main, if not only, cause of her severe depression and anxiety. I admit fault in not meeting her emotional needs for all these years. I left her vulnerable to the affair. I have told her that. I have also taken steps to improve myself. I told her that I am going to become a damn good husband. It would be a shame for her to let some other woman reap the benefits of that.

Since she is going to see a counsellor, I will let it ride for 2 weeks. Hopefully, the counsellor with be worth a grain of salt and advise her that she needs to immediately end this affair. Maybe coming from a professional, she will listen. That is my only hope.
 
#28 ·
Does her upcoming appointment with a counsellor make a difference? Should I ride it out until then? She is going for the panic attacks, but surely this affair will be mentioned as the main cause of her anxiety. Will it make a difference coming from a professional or will my wife just twist things? I'm thinking she will minimize her time and attention on OM and make it out that I am too controlling. Therefore, the counsellor may just see her side of the story and tell her I am indeed the problem. Or should the counsellor be able to read between the lines and figure out what is truly going on?
 
#76 ·
Does her upcoming appointment with a counsellor make a difference? Should I ride it out until then? She is going for the panic attacks, but surely this affair will be mentioned as the main cause of her anxiety.
You're delusional. You know what her 'cause' will be when she talks to IC?

YOU.

YOU are making her miserable.

YOU are controlling.

You are unloving.

You are telling her how to live, and she just can't see how she can stand it much longer; it's hard to live with a monster.

And guess what IC is going to tell her?

You need to take care of YOU, and if he (meaning you) is harming you, you need to move on, so you can be happy and healthy.
 
#30 ·
Act. My possibilities.

1. Cut off the internet or block Spadester. This seems to be the overwhelming majority of the advice.

Pro: It cuts off thier hours of playing spades and chatting with each other.

Con: She will be extremely angry. I am being controlling. "Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Had a wife but couldn't keep her. He put her in a pumpkin shell. There he kept her very well." I only see it as building her resentment and bitterness toward me, not a good thing for building a marriage. Also, she has his phone number. It very well could push her to phone conversations instead of playing games and chatting. Also, the kids enjoy playing games online.

2. Move out temporarily. Go live with my brother for a while.

Pro: It may cause a reality check and cause her to think more deeply about her fictional relationship.

Con: That would bring the whole thing out into the open. The kids, her family, my family, everyone would know about it. That again would build her resentment toward me. I don't think that would be healthy at this point.

3. Continue to hound her and "preach" to her constantly.

Pro: I don't think there is a pro to this one.

Con: I am just making her angry by my current actions. It is not bringing her closer to me, but driving her away.

4. Back off for 2 weeks (an arbitrary amount of time. I don't think I can handle longer, but it would give her some breathing room). I wouldn't give her a 2 week ultimatum, just know in my mind that it is just for 2 weeks. At boot camp at Parris Island, knowing it was just for a certain amount of time helped to deal with punches in the gut from drill instructors. Perhaps that would help me to leave her alone for 2 weeks.

Pro: It would show her that I am a willing to give her time to work this out on her own and that I am not controlling.

Con: It more likely would support her knowledge that I am a doormat. I have said that and she vehemently denies it. However, backing off and not complaining about this goes against every nerve in my body.

5. Tell her family. This is pretty much the same as #2 with the same effects.

6. Go to a trusted friend of the family, perhaps the pastor that married us. Her family still goes to church there. That is the next step on the one of the websites I looked at, I believe.

Pro: He may be able to call her and talk to her. I believe he would remain confidential. Perhaps a trusted third party telling her to give him up would be helpful.

Con: She would probably be very angry that I "dragged her through the mud" with him.

None of the options are pleasing. There is certainly no easy way out of this thing. I know everyone tells me that #4 will not work. However, if it has gone on this long, can another couple of weeks hurt our marriage that bad? It has been 2 weeks since I found out. I am leaning heavily toward #4. I will quit "preaching" and leave her alone. It looks to me the same as #2, but I still get to spend time with the kids in the evenings.

Well, wish me luck in this endeavor. I did tell my boss today. I don't want him thinking I don't want my job. I told him I'm sorry my head hasn't been too clear lately. He was very supportive and I have full confidence that he will keep it confidential.
 
#31 ·
Be clear on this, you are p*ssy footing for fear of upsetting the wife further... That "threat" in your head has you managed. That is her goal, and it's working.

This "controlling" thing she has in your head is the steering wheel, your obvious "hot button". Any pressure you put on her or anything you do that threatens her addiction and she yanks the steering wheel that direction and punches that button in.... and you back down...

I don't know why that is your hot button.. Only you would know that.

You need to take some control of this situation, if you hope to influence the outcome.

There is subtle and clear difference there...

Control is the ability to purposefully direct, or suppress, change.

Controlling is to exercise authoritative or dominating influence over.
 
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