Wow. He's right a-hole isn't he? I'm gobsmacked at his position on this.

 

Well, my mom had a complete mastectomy in her 40s without reconstruction and my dad thought she was just as beautiful as ever.
They were married some 67 years, before mom passed first.

As for me, my wife had breast removal but with restoration but no nipples. I do miss those nipples but I
Am still very attracted to her.

But to me thats not even the point.
I take those words 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part' seriously.
I would never leave my wife for that.

 

Well, my mom had a complete mastectomy in her 40s without reconstruction and my dad thought she was just as beautiful as ever.
They were married some 67 years, before mom passed first.

As for me, my wife had breast removal but with restoration but no nipples. I do miss those nipples but I
Am still very attracted to her.

But to me thats not even the point.
I take those words 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part' seriously.
I would never leave my wife for that.

OK, first, let me say to the OP that this woman's husband has some real issues and I doubt this is the first time they've come up. His attitude is downright mean. I might, maybe, understand if he came crying to her, saying he felt ashamed of himself that it would make a difference, that he had something he needed help with. But to tell her outright that he's not attracted to her now? While going through chemo? While she's wondering if she has a "rest of her life" and what it will be like, with all the assumptions of her husband at her side, in times of need, gone out the window?

(Minor threadjack follows) Now for the practical. For the women facing this horrible choice. If you're going to have them reconstructed, go for the fake nipples. For two reasons. First, and I doubt many consider this, but if you let your surgeon know you care how they look, your surgeon will likely do a better job. My wife told her surgeon she could care less about nipples, she just wanted something practical so clothes would hang better and she might not have a many-times-daily reminder of her breast cancer journey (a journey which has, so far, taken her mother, taken her sister, threatening another sister and my wife... she's on her third round of this).

So what happens when you tell the surgeon you don't care about nipples? The surgeon may do a "functional" job and nothing more. And that's what my wife got. And functional just barely. I mean he did a TERRIBLE job, one higher, mishapen, and pretty gnarly (and painful) scars.

Not saying this will always happen, but people are people, and if you tell someone you're not into appearances, you may be sending a signal that a sub-par job will be fine.

And then there's this. Just like @jorgegene, I like nipples too. I miss them. It's not just that they're a focal point; maybe more of a stop on a road trip, or used for navigation.

But in the end it doesn't matter; my wife, to me, is as beautiful as the day I met her, 45 years ago. Even after all the crap she's put me through. She will never get to use the excuse that I've neglected her because she's become heavy (she has) or has breasts that mostly serve as weapons if she rolls over (did I mention how hard they are?). Or that her hair is thinning. Nope. I don't get it, it just is. I'm the opposite of the husband in this story, at least in that regard.

 

.. that he was going to leave you if you didn't have reconstructive surgery, even after your doctors had cautioned against it? He told her he's no longer attracted to her the way she looks with no breasts. And the poor woman hasn't even finished with chemo yet!

I really feel for your friend. Personally, I'd tell him to get effed.

If the 'attraction' for him is gone, through the loss of a sexualised body part, then he can go find someone else to be attracted to.

 

This question is really very simple. Would you stay with a man who told you, after you'd had both breasts removed due to aggressive metastatic breast cancer, that he was going to leave you if you didn't have reconstructive surgery?

Wow. Maybe the husband doesn't want the physical reminder all the time (though the scars will be there regardless) and sucks at communication. Maybe he's trying to push her away like your friend said. Regardless, he is being a huge asshole.

My wife has asked me this "what would you do/want" question so many times. My answer is always the same, and it's that she should do whatever she wants to do. Yes it would be different having absolutely nothing there and I'd probably prefer reconstruction, but whatever. It's not the end of the world and I certainly wouldn't divorce her over it or tell her to go against medical advice. And if the doctors said no, I'd be saying no too regardless of whatever we wanted.

 

I wanted to expand on why I'd personally tell him to get effed. While your friend is considering his emotions of what has likely been traumatic experiences in his life, and balanced with her potential fear of having to make significant additional life changes if they split; it's that he would be suggesting she does this even against the medical recommendation and then threatening to leave if she doesn't as he's no longer attracted to her. Attraction can take many forms. And while breasts may form part of sexual attraction, it's not necessarily the whole.

What it demonstrates to me is that he doesn't have her back. And I personally could not be with someone that doesn't have my back. As I think one needs to have each others' back.

And if his reality is that this disregards all levels of attraction towards her, then they're both better off parting ways. Admittedly, just reading about it gets me riled up, so also I personally couldn't even will myself to stay with someone like that - regardless of whether reconstruction is had or not - because the love, respect, and attraction towards him would be replaced with loathing. Hence, I'd tell him to get effed.

What did you suggest to her as her friend?

 

I wanted to expand on why I'd personally tell him to get effed. While your friend is considering his emotions of what has likely been traumatic experiences in his life, and balanced with her potential fear of having to make significant additional life changes if they split; it's that he would be suggesting she does this even against the medical recommendation and then threatening to leave if she doesn't as he's no longer attracted to her. Attraction can take many forms. And while breasts may form part of sexual attraction, it's not necessarily the whole.

What it demonstrates to me is that he doesn't have her back. And I personally could not be with someone that doesn't have my back. As I think one needs to have each others' back.

And if his reality is that this disregards all levels of attraction towards her, then they're both better off parting ways. Admittedly, just reading about it gets me riled up, so also I personally couldn't even will myself to stay with someone like that - regardless of whether reconstruction is had or not - because the love, respect, and attraction towards him would be replaced with loathing. Hence, I'd tell him to get effed.

What did you suggest to her as her friend?

You are being way too kind to the guy in question.

 

This question is really very simple. Would you stay with a man who told you, after you'd had both breasts removed due to aggressive metastatic breast cancer, that he was going to leave you if you didn't have reconstructive surgery, even after your doctors had cautioned against it? He told her he's no longer attracted to her the way she looks with no breasts. And the poor woman hasn't even finished with chemo yet!

She's making excuses for him because she wants to believe he's just scared and looking for an excuse to run. Horrifyingly enough, he lost his first wife to breast cancer, 15 years ago! She wants to believe he's just so afraid of losing her as well that he's going to leave before she can die on him like his first wife did.

She's having a really hard time deciding what she wants to do, at least in part because they've got 2 kids under 10 and she hasn't worked since halfway through her first pregnancy, so she'd have to make a lot of drastic changes in her life. She'd probably lose her house, her health insurance, half her time with her kids. But she really, really doesn't want to have the reconstructive surgery, there are too many possible complications and she's honestly just sick of surgery! So what she'd really like right now are some unbiased opinions from people who don't have any personal stake in her situation.

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer late in 2019 and fortunately for us it was not as bad as your friend. She had lumpectomies on both breasts early last year, which have disfigured them in one place on each breast.

Likewise as a consequence of the radiation treatment one of her nipples is harder/drier than the other. Up until then my wife who is 50 now, still had incredibly pert breasts that were very attractive. They are still very pert yet they aren't the same. The thing is though I am just grateful that she is alive and on top of that, I can't help but feel I wouldn't care if she had her breasts removed and didn't have reconstructive surgery since what matters is that she is alive and well. Plus that she accepts herself, however she is.

That said I almost lost her violently when she was right next to me, when she got smashed up by a speeding car, while we crossed a road during our early weeks of dating (way back in 1996). She was a terrible mess with her knees smashed and she also had to have plastic surgery to repair her face. And still has a faint scar on her face from that event. Yet what mattered to me and still matters to me, is that she is still alive, and okay with herself as she is.

There are many other very painful things that my wife and I have faced together as well. Including having a teenage child who unless things turn around significantly for her, she will probably die within the next few years.

So I have a little bit (not all) of an idea of what your friend and her husband are going through. Which is tough and it hurts and it's really very scary as well. Since no matter how we may wish that we aren't on the rollercoaster we can't get off because we are chained to it.

...

Now I am certainly not excusing her husband, because I think what he has said to your friend is appalling. Yet he didn't chose any of this as your friend didn't choose it either and he has been through this wringer once already. So I think your friend is right, in that he is probably scared and wanting too find a way off the rollercoaster to avoid the pain that it brings. Yet unless someone is on that ride it is very hard to appreciate the range of emotions that one experiences, which is why I think your friend has said what she has about her husband.

That said I think she should absolutely stand her ground and not get reconstructive surgery, which comes at a risk. And as painful as it is prepare for the worst with her relationship with her husband. Which is also going to take a toll from her. Of which even if she did undertake the surgery and it went well. That wouldn't assuage her husbands desire to get off the rollercoaster and abandon her to protect himself, because some people are not always able and or willing to keep fronting up for more.

So in standing her ground, she should do what she can to be well. Seek support from friends who are able to continue to support her, which can be easier said than done and she may not get that (my wife has seen some friends evaporate over her cancer and our child's illness). Presume she doesn't have his support and won't have it going forward, although it would be nice if he snaps out of it and does the work to repair. Plus even if he doesn't decide to divorce her in the short to medium term. She should look at shoring up work opportunities, training etc, when able. While also seeking some legal advice in anticipation to the threat to her losing her home, insurance and all the rest.

Now all of this is scary and there is no easy out, her world is upside down and there is no getting out of that fact. Yet as long as she survives and carries on. There is always opportunity and hope for the future. If her husband is not fit to support her and love her, then letting him go is the pathway to a better future for her and their children as well.

All the best.

 

Some people are horrible.
A few of those are deathly repugnant.

I suspect the evil vibes she (and the first wife) got off this man were cancer causing.
Evil is radioactive.

 

Some of us cannot repress our selfish thoughts.
We can restrain our hurtful speech.

 

Her response needs to be "I'll miss you".

 

My initial take is that if he is thinking about anything other than helping her get to remission and get over the cancer he’s a scumbag. In fact it’s hard for me to actually believe he is in love with her at all if he’s that callous.

 

One of the biggest issues in all of this is that they moved thousands of miles away from home and friends a couple of years ago. She doesn't know many people in her current community. If she needs support from friends/family, she's going to need to move back home. And since his job (which is a really good job) is where they live now, he probably wouldn't want to come back home. Which would almost definitely mean divorce, and family courts don't look kindly on parents who live thousands of miles apart when they have small children (their kids are 4 and 7). Nor does she want to be away from her kids when she may not have that much longer to live.

The other major issue, which may be a big part of what is scaring him, is that this is her 3rd round of cancer, she had a bout of lymphoma when she was only in her 20s, before she married this guy and the first round of breast cancer happened about 18 months before the second one. The second one was a lot worse, they took out a LOT of tissue including under her arms and around into her middle back due to lymph node involvement. And her doctors have told her that her 5 year survival rate is NOT good since the cancer keeps coming back. And she's not even 40 yet!

I think he's totally wrong in his attitude, but I can't help but think that she may be right in thinking he's just making excuses to avoid facing the truth - that he doesn't feel like he can go through this again, and he feels like if he removes himself from her now, and maybe move on to wife #3, it won't hurt as much if and when she dies. I get the impression he's not thinking about anyone other than himself right now. Which absolutely sucks for her. And honestly I think even if she does agree to the reconstruction he's probably going to find another reason to leave, which is why I told her I think she needs to get him into counseling ASAP.

 

Your friends husband is acting like a complete A-hole. I say acting like one because I don't know if he is just have some kind of breakdown from the stress/fear like you friend sees as a possibility or if he's just and A-hole. I think if there is a good guy friend who could talk to him and shake some sense into him that would be helpful. Like the scene from God Father when Don Corleone grabs Johnny Fontaine and yells at him to be a man. If she's going through chemo still it's not the time to really even be thinking about reconstruction. Once she is cancer free she will be in a place to make a fully independent decision. By independent I mean free of any of the fog of battle she is in fighting the disease. Her thoughts now might be different than how she will feel once she is healthy. She also doesn't need the stress of worrying about what to do from a marriage perspective while she is still fighting cancer. Stress is counterproductive to healing. If I was her I would mentally chalk up her husbands crap attitude to the fear and stress and focus for now on getting well. Worry about everything else later. Boobs belong way down the priority list while you're still fighting a potentially terminal illness.

So I guess what I'm saying is your friend should focus on her health. Don't worry about this now. Find a good guy friend to sit him down and talk some sense into the husband and worry about boobs at a later date. Once she is healthy they will be in a place to talk about this and figure out where to go from there. If he can't be happily married to a woman with no breasts it is what it is.

 

I wouldn't leave my wife if she started growing a ****. So no, and I believe very few spouses would. If you go into a marriage with the thought of leaving if "something becomes unattractive down the road", you've already lost.

 

I wouldn't leave my wife if she started growing a ****. So no, and I believe very few spouses would. If you go into a marriage with the thought of leaving if "something becomes unattractive down the road", you've already lost.

Sadly serious illness and disability are among the biggest reasons for divorce, on the part of both sexes. A lot of people really just can't handle living with someone who is going through a long term health crisis. And so sadly they leave just when their partner needs them the most. Whether its proactively trying to escape an inevitable loss, or inability to care for someone who needs a lot of physical or mental support, or loss of attraction, or loss of sex life, or boredom with a partner who can no longer keep up with the couple's previous active lifestyle - the reasons are many.

 

How was he when his first wife was dying? That may be something she doesn’t know. He might be telling her one story, that he’s afraid of going through that pain but who knows what he was like to the first wife, he may have been just as awful. Karma for him?? Hmmmm.

Sad for the kids, how will he cope with them when this wife passes and they have illnesses or other challenges? Pain is a part of life, it’s rare to get through life without these challenges. What will he say when one of the kids is going through some stuff, sorry too painful?

This man sounds so awful!!

 

How was he when his first wife was dying? That may be something she doesn’t know. He might be telling her one story, that he’s afraid of going through that pain but who knows what he was like to the first wife, he may have been just as awful. Karma for him?? Hmmmm.

Sad for the kids, how will he cope with them when this wife passes and they have illnesses or other challenges? Pain is a part of life, it’s rare to get through life without these challenges. What will he say when one of the kids is going through some stuff, sorry too painful?

This man sounds so awful!!

There is a daughter from the first marriage. She's an adult now and hasn't lived with them in several years. She was furious with her father for remarrying and ran away from home several times. They finally kicked her out permanently when she was about 17 because she was abusive to her half siblings. She hated my friend right from the beginning. One gets the impression she was a lot closer to her mother than her father. What that says about him, I don't know. However, in all the time I've known him, I've always liked him. He's always seemed like a really good guy. He was very supportive through 3 miscarriages early on and later during two difficult pregnancies and through the first bout of breast cancer 2 years ago. I also happen to know he helped my friend's sister and her husband out financially when they were going through a hard time. He's great with his kids. Both of whom, by the way, have learning disabilities. But he's also not home much, his job requires a great deal of travel. And one can't help but wonder if he's discovered since he's been stuck at home for much of the past year that maybe he doesn't enjoy his family when he has to be with them full time.

 

Explains a lot, he’s rarely been around, travels a lot but apparently great and helpful while he’s away (words man?)

And now that he’s stuck at home and actually has to show via actions that he’s a nice guy, it looks like he’s been wearing a mask.

The first daughter is angry for a good reason, she knows who he really is and what her mother went through. It was easier to kick her out than understand her anger wasn’t it.

Very sad, for your friend and the kids involved.

In these situations when I hear someone outside the family say ‘I always liked him, he was a great guy,’ but then I see how the family members are treated, I know that’s really not a nice guy at all. Street angel working hard to be a good guy while being a home devil.

 

I'm sorry, this thread has triggered me, or should I say enraged me. What kind of scumbag of a husband would say that to his wife? When my wife had her mastectomy, I was just thankful she's alive. And now she lost her battle with breast cancer and left me to be an angel in heaven. What I would give to just have her back!!! I'm so angry that any husband would say something like that to his wife suffering from cancer.

 

She can't have reconstructive surgery? I would guess it's a risk to her. Well, she has to put her health first, so, if he's going to leave, let him. She can make all of the excuses she wants to...but if he's gonna go, hold the door wide open for him. I wouldn't be in the house when he packs though. Stay with a friend until he's gone.

 

Wow a couple things here.

• His timing is terrible. He may be scared but he is not supporting her while she is at her most vulnerable. She doesn’t need that now. So we know where his priorities are.
• at least he’s honest. I have to give him credit for that. Mine used my bc to get women. Hid it from me for years. At least 7, probably 15 or more. I wish he would have just left. The abuse I am still recovering from.
• I was reconstructed. He never touched me above the waist. He googled and flirted with every woman right on front of me. He tore my self image even lower. He ended up leading a double life. I put off explantof the painful implants because I knew how important boobs are to him by his porn and calendars. I kicked him to the curb on discovery day. - My implants and have since ruptured andI have silicone granulation and lymphotomy. I am now flat but feel better than I have in years and movement is coming back. He popped in unannounced and grinned at my chest. Now there’s a real asshole. I am more than my body.

 

Wow a couple things here.

• His timing is terrible. He may be scared but he is not supporting her while she is at her most vulnerable. She doesn’t need that now. So we know where his priorities are.
• at least he’s honest. I have to give him credit for that. Mine used my bc to get women. Hid it from me for years. At least 7, probably 15 or more. I wish he would have just left. The abuse I am still recovering from.
• I was reconstructed. He never touched me above the waist. He googled and flirted with every woman right on front of me. He tore my self image even lower. He ended up leading a double life. I put off explantof the painful implants because I knew how important boobs are to him by his porn and calendars. I kicked him to the curb on discovery day. - My implants and have since ruptured andI have silicone granulation and lymphotomy. I am now flat but feel better than I have in years and movement is coming back. He popped in unannounced and grinned at my chest. Now there’s a real asshole. I am more than my body.

Ps thank you to the men on here that are restoring my faith in mankind.

 

I have been treated for prostate cancer and now work to support other men and their loved ones. I see many, many relationships fall apart. It is heartbreaking.

So in that sense I can understand that enough is enough for him. It is for some women when their husbands are no longer able to have intercourse. It is all about the person and what inner strength they have.

My wife was my rock and went way beyond what I could ask to support me. I really feel devastated for your friend that she does not have the same level of support.

 

How sad he puts her in this position at such a scary time in her life. Even her doctors say reconstruction isn't a good idea for her. I know from experience that doctors usually push reconstruction because they want you to go on with your life feeling as "normal" as possible. I didn't do reconstruction because I didn't want it covering up any potential recurrence, and I didn't want to go through more surgeries when I was finally done with treatment. I wanted to get on with feeling good again, without pain. I saw plenty of women have years of issues with reconstruction. Some were successful but you never know. They take muscles and tissue from other parts of your body and it has weird effects. Its a years long process as I recall, so you have to be dedicated to the idea and really believe in it.

it is a weird look with no breasts. I struggle with it. She can wear a bra with prosthesis. To my knowledge, the reconstructed breasts don't give pleasurable feelings for the woman like natural breasts. Its all fake whether prosthesis or reconstruction. I'm sure there are women who say reconstruction is a great way to go and they're happy with it.

Why does her husband have to make her feel worse? having young children and life-threatening cancer, you worry so much about your kids losing their mother.. then to add onto it worrying about losing your husband and security at the same time. Sure he didn't ask for this, just as she didn't, but its easy for him to say get more surgeries and go against doctor's recommendations. He's giving her an ultimatum and she shouldn't get reconstruction for him. Even if she wants it, he's tainted her decision. Its not easy for anyone and I feel sorry for them both. He is being honest that he values the look of breasts more than her as a companion?

If I were her, I'd get counseling to help guide her through these difficulties.