A person can find all sorts of reasons to be annoyed when a spouse doesn't live up to their expectations. And that knife cuts both ways.

 

Spot, frickin, on.

 

Yes, it is justified. So is the reverse, when husbands let themselves go.

 

Have your friends who look at college and women kept themselves up?

Both partners should make efforts to maintain their appearance.
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Most of my friends (both men and women) from school are now paunchy and frumpy, except for a few. They are all early 40s and to early to give up on life. The ones in India are even more so because of lack of fitness awareness and facilities. In some parts of India, it is considered to be "prosperous" to be fat and people look down on you if you were skinny. I was taunted a lot for being thin as a kid, but now that has turned out to work in my favor.

Among my friends here in the US, I see all kinds. Husbands who are trim/fat with wives who are fat/lazy/frumpy. Many where both husband and wife are fat and frumpy. Extremely few where wife is fit and fashionable, while the husband is fat and dowdy.

Even fewer where both husband and wife are fit and that includes us, and a few others we know who both exercise and the wives look good.

My wife's coworker is a woman who is obese. Her husband is fit and trim and is not happy with her appearance. She told my wife that she is going in for liposuction. The problem is that she eats a lot of junk food every afternoon and also for dinner as she hates to cook. She does no exercise.

 

The door swings both ways, so I'd be very careful about having my ducks in order before I start speaking to my spouse about letting herself go. And even then, I'd still be very careful:

 

If either allows themselves to very out of shape and neglectful of their appearance, they are being inconsiderate of their partner, IMO.

Its not popular to mention because people feel compelled to rail on anyone that brings it up. I'm sure people can trot out stats to show that its all equal between the sexes, but that's not at all what my eyes tell me.

Its much more pronounced now than it was 30 years ago. Very shocking.

 

 

I think it's important for both partners to strive to remain attractive for one another. While I don't think it's "wrong" for men to be angry if their wives are no longer trying to remain attractive, I think anger about it is usually an unproductive way to approach the problem. Most people, men and women, tend to react negatively and defensively to their partner's anger. So the risk is that being mad at your partner isn't going to motivate them to change. Nor is ogling more attractive members of the opposite sex while seething at your partner.

One of the myriad things that bothered my ex-husband was my weight. He was angry with me about it. I was a size 12, which at my height was clinically overweight. He was wearing pants with a 40" waist. At his height, that meant he was clinically obese. But the problem, obviously, was that I had let myself go.......

In my case, it turns out that I'm a stress eater. I didn't know that because in my entire adult life, I'd never not been very stressed. I mean, I was on medications for anxiety, depression, heart palpitations, migraines and high blood pressure by the time I was 32. For me, remaining attractive required me to reduce the overwhelming stress in my life. Once I did that, I was able to come off all my medications. I also lost a fair amount of weight with extremely minimal effort, simply because I don't stress eat anymore.

 

Not sure how much "letting herself go" is included in your question.

Women's bodies change as they have kids and move through life and it isn't all one necessarily in one direction. My wife was about 118 the day I married her and has varied between that up to 155'ish and back to the 120's. And yeah, there were a few years of the aforementioned one piece type clothes. Not once in 20 year's was I not attracted to her or think she was "letting herself go".

I suppose if she got to 200 or something maybe but if you think your wife is going to look like a 30 year old on the prowl forever maybe stay single

 

My SO has already told me if I get fat she'll dump me. So, I already know her expectations and exactly where I stand. Conversely, this is why I insisted on a BMI clause in our pre-nup, so if she lets herself go she gets less in the property settlement.

 

Barring any health issue, I think it is important for both husbands and wives to keep themselves fit as much as possible.

As you can see, there seems to be general agreement on this.

So my question is can you blame husbands for being annoyed at their wives when the let themselves go? Or is it not justified?

So no you can't blame a husband or wife for being annoyed when their spouse lets themselves go. I wouldn't just include the physical aspect thought. The same concept holds for mental, emotional and sexual elements of the marriage. If one person lets themselves go its on par with holding the other person hostage. I call it "marriage fraud" ie I attracted you with this package but now that we're married and its hard for you to get away you're getting something very different AND you're the bad guy/girl if you aren't OK with that.

 

Frankly, it's hard for anybody to NOT to let themselves go, as that's what bodies like to do as we age, but it's even harder for women, I think. Pregnancy wreaks havoc on a woman's body, and parenthood is a drain on anyone's energy, but even worse for a mom because parenting effort is still not fairly divided by gender.

When you're young and single and dating and have a small apartment you're hardly ever in, the metabolism works great and there's lots of incentive and time to work out a lot.

When you're middle-aged and married and parenting, the metabolism works less well, and time and effort are more devoted to children and employment and chores in the large house than they are to working out.

 

After 20 years and 3 kids, my wife doesn't look like she did when she was 19. I'm still attracted to her, and I couldn't give a flying rip what my coworkers or hers think about that fact.

 

Its not about your coworkers, but about you. In the cases I have seen, the wives were slim and trim 10 years ago, and are now fat and frumpy now. There is the usual aging, but I see them also eating a lot and not doing any exercise. It's this that would be annoying to a man who has taken care of himself.

 

I give points for trying too and working with whatever challenges you have to work with genetically and financially to keep yourself at least in style and reasonably fit.

I have little respect for those that do nothing whatsoever to work with what they have with at last an average level of effort.

Zero effort and effort that is way below reasonable expectations is crap.

Since I think some level of complacency is common, I can live with that but being absolutely devoid of motivation is not something I can warm up to.

I know several wives and husbands that are slobs. I don't even associate with them since it's seems to be the same effort they put into everything else in their life as well except maybe video games, gossip, consumer items, junk food and other disgusting distractions.

I don't find someone over doing it appealing either.

Seems to me all extremes are well..uh..too extreme formy taste.

It's physically, mentally and spiritually healthy folks I want to spend my time with.

 

But why do you care about your coworkers wives? Isn't it possible that some of those coworkers are completely happy with their marriages? Do we really need to hold our acquaintances up to OUR standards?

 

I was just curious because one of these guys openly ogles at college age girls when his wife is around. So much that even my wife noticed him doing that when he was asking me to check someone out. So that made me wonder if he was doing that because his own wife was not fulfilling that need in him. One other time when we all were on a road trip, he told my wife loudly to take his wife out running "so she can lose some weight". The only reason i can think of for him doing that is he is not pleased with his wife's appearance.

 

In the end you get what you settle for. If you want to be fat and frumpy than you will be fat and frumpy. Of course age and kids take a toll, but it doesn't take a less toll on a fit mom/dad than it does on an unfit mom/dad. Its priorities plain and simple.

 

I live with the daily stress of knowing that my wife will leave me the day I can no longer bench press my body weight for reps

I tend to look at things more from a health standpoint. If my wife or I let ourselves go, to me that is a big FU to the marriage. Obviously the whole attraction thing is one part of it, but I look at more being healthy so we can both be around for a long time for each other and our kids ...

 

Yeah Marduk how dare you actually talk to me as if I am an actual person and not a troll? Especially here in the Good Old Boys Club...I mean the Men's Clubhouse. You should know better than to encourage me, all your other menz here will shame you for it. Because that's mature. And because you need to be shamed. SHAME on you! I mean how DARE you think for yourself? You are supposed to follow some of the pack here, the ones who can't stand me and make posts about me pretending they aren't talking about me. How dare you not follow them and do what they are telling you to do and ignore me and mock me! Really now, they are going to take your man card away.

 

Wait, wait wait...

There's a message here, right? It's like jazz music, I know there's something there I just can't put my finger on it...

 

Absofrikinlutely, BOTH men and WOMEN can be pissed/angry/upset if the other doesn't work at the marriage. Making reasonable attempts to stay fit/trim is one thing that partners should work toward. Not just for their partners but for themselves.

Granted some men and women may, because of the rigors of child rearing and with age may never make it back to their prime shape. That said way too many people simply give up sighting not enough time to go to the gym. Meanwhile they continue to have their 4th , 5th or more drink...a pile of fattening food etc.

Regardless gawking other women should always be a no no

 

My wife just completed a Half Marathon today. Very proud of her. I am attempting mine next weekend. Thank God she takes care of herself and us all. Very lucky.

 

My wife just completed a Half Marathon today.

That is awesome. I love the half. Is this her first? Please extend my congratulations as well. What was her average pace if I may ask?

 

I really feel that the preeminent question here is: "Why do men and women alike make a conscious or unconscious choice to just throw in the towel and "let themselves go?"

Exactly what consolation is in it for them?
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And to bring it back to the subject (sorry for the tangent), it happens on both sides. Hell, I let myself go some years ago. Gained weight, smoked (yep), sedentary, bad diet...ugh. It took a wake-up call from the doc to tell me I was fast tracking my way to diabetes. My wife didn't hammer on me, but she did vocalize her concerns when she would see me pound down a whole container of Ben and Jerry's, ya know?

Been over 5 years now that I lost the weight, packed on muscle, living a good, healthy lifestyle. No looking back.

 

As long as the husbands aren't a hypocrite where he too had let himself go hen yes he can be angry in my humble opinion.

It's not easy for any mother to get back in shape after giving birth but if she cared enough not only for her husband but for herself then she would.

I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old where I gained 20 plus pounds each time but a few weeks after giving birth I was at the gym working my ass off.

Today I'm in the best shape I've even been in my life due to the hard work and focus. I do this for my significant other but most importantly for myself. I'm 5'4" and 115 lbs and am proud to be so :smile2:

 

Just the thought of running makes me projectile vomit

My dad's a jogger. He's 76 now, but back in his day he use to run of 5-7 miles a day. A 5k for him was a piece of cake.

He tried to get me involved. I tried it. Just couldn't get into it.

I have never gotten that endorphin "high" people who exercise claim they get. All I've ever gotten is "exhausted".

I work with a guy who does 30 minutes on the tread and 30 minutes on the elliptical every morning at 5am before work. I'm thinking of hitting "snooze" at 5am, not the gym.

 

Eh, I've been running for 26 years and sometimes I feel like that. Like this morning, when I went out for 10 miles in the god awful Florida heat and humidity and I'm leaving a trail of sweat and the air is so heavy you can't suck full breaths.

But I'm used to it and so I go.

But let's be honest, for most people staying in shape is not easy. It's not in our nature.....humans want to eat rich food and be lazy. The tenets of our ancestors don't only apply to mate selection, they apply here too.

And kids do things to your body.

Our environment is very toxic, easy access to lots of garbage food, sedentary lifestyle/jobs, aging. .... the odds are stacked against us.

It's kind of an irony that so many middle aged and older people want young people when they really have little to offer. Sure they can bring money but that's all it is, they don't look as good as young people so even if you get it you have to know your partner probably takes your money and gets turned on by younger people.

So while we all should make the effort let's have a little compassion for what's involved.
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Definitely Not The Place You Want To Be A Cunning Linguist

 

I believe it's definitely justified. Women expect men to keep the romance and affection alive--and other things that they need--and they get highly upset when it doesn't happen and don't even want to have sex, so why wouldn't men expect women to keep up their looks? It's not unreasonable at all. Wives shouldn't feel like they have to look like supermodels, and some men prefer bigger women. I read in His Needs, Her Needs that a woman should aim to stay at the weight she was when she married her husband (aside from pregnancies, obviously). I think it's a good guideline.