[won'tstoptrying53]

Good to hear that stbexh is doing better and is being a good dad again. I hope the negotiating goes quickly and you get things filed and done with. It may be sad for a minute, but the relief of having it done will be great.

And remember my tip about Wolf Creek for next year.

 

[won'tstoptrying53]

Yeah, we did the hot springs after skiing. Very relaxing. Tough to find good restaurants in the area. Buts that's OK. We spent half the money we use to going to Taos.

Sounds like your Mustang GT convertible had some major significance in your life back then. Was that right before you got married? Your last freedom ride?

 

[Freak On a Leash]

Sure do hope my financial situation gets better by next year A lot WILL depend on the STBXH..If he gives me financial support. If he is able to take care of my son on a regular basis. Most important: IF he stays sober.

That's a BIG "if". I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security last year and allowed my son to live with him with disastrous results. I can't and won't make that mistake again.

I will say that I REALLY enjoyed my freedom and hope to regain some of that again but only time will tell. One can only hope.

I think I'll be going out west within a few years though. Hopefully. This year, if I can get up to the Catskills for an overnighter I'll be happy. I'm off Thursdays and Friday so it might happen. Everything is cheaper midweek and if my H can take my son overnight and get him off to school I might be able to swing it.

 

[won'tstoptrying53]

Freak, I don't know what you do, but Austin,TX has one of the hottest job markets in the country. If you can stand the heat for 4 months, the rest of the year is great. And Austin has all kinds of greenbelts and lakes going right through the heart of the city. It's a hike to go skiing, however!

 

[Freak On a Leash]

Yeah, we did the hot springs after skiing. Very relaxing. Tough to find good restaurants in the area. Buts that's OK. We spent half the money we use to going to Taos.

I was in Pagosa Springs on a Sunday night. There was NOTHING open. :slap: I wound up going across the street to the Holiday Inn and raiding their vending machine. I dined on Fritos and candy bars. I was famished the next morning and drove down to Taos and ate this huge plate of Huevos Rancheros at a restaurant. At that point I hadn't eaten a decent meal in almost two days.

Sounds like your Mustang GT convertible had some major significance in your life back then. Was that right before you got married? Your last freedom ride?

:rofl: My H would be VERY amused at reading that. It was one of the first of many "freedom rides." What a great term that is..because never do I feel more free then when I set out on a road trip with the top down, the tunes blaring and headed out to some unknown destination. People would ask me where I was going and I would say "I don't know..I'll know when I get there."

I bought the Mustang GT not long after we got married. When we got married in 1989 my H was in the Navy. We came back to NJ in 1990 and my husband rediscovered all his friends and pretty much ignored me. He told me "I'm not your social director, get a life."

So I bought a bright red Mustang GT convertible and IT became my life. I was always a "car nut" when I was growing up. My father had an assortment of exotic cars and I always wanted a convertible. Not long after I graduated from college I bought a black '86 GT convertible that I had to sell after a year of buying it. I vowed to get another..and I did.

First I got into detailing it and then I started to show it in car shows, joined a car club, met a lot of like minded people and then started drag racing it at the local dragstrip. Then a friend of mine got me into road racing with his Shelby American club and I got into modifiying the Mustang into a tricked to race car. I got into open track, club racing, etc.

By 1999 that Mustang had been featured in every major Ford and Mustang magazine. It was described in one magazine article as a "Ford Motorsport catalog on 4 wheels." It was the cover car on the Muscle Mustangs/Fast Fords Tech Issue. That's like being on the cover of TIME magazine in the 5.0L Mustang world.

But before I turned it into a race car I drove it everywhere on road trips. I've always loved to travel and explore and that's just what I did..I took road trips. We didn't have kids then and we did have time and money to spend. My H would go off and do HIS thing (mostly RC model airplanes, fishing and gaming with his friends) and I took road trips. I drove that Mustang from Canada down to Floriday on every back road, through every mountain range on the east coast. The trip to Colorado and back was something I'd always wanted to do. I did do about a year before we started thinking of having a family.

But even after we had kids I got into the racing. It was in 1993 that I started drag racing. In '94 I had my daughter and a year later I was road racing my Mustang on Atlanta Motor Speeday and Watkins Glen. I attended various racing schools like Track Time, Skip Barber and would go at least twice a month to run my now VERY modified Mustang. It wound up with a 450 hp totally tricked out 351 Windsor and a Griggs Racing suspension, huge 4 caliper Baer brakes..you name it, it had it.

So my marriage wasn't the END of my relationship with the car..it was the beginning. It also played a big part in building up a lot of anger and resentment in my husband because of the time, energy and money I put into it. To this day he still brings up that car when we have fights. He brought it up just the other day and he went on and on about it last month when he was on his drunken raging and tearing apart me and my children's lives. That car and those that came after him are his excuses for acting and doing the things he did later on. It is the focal point of every big fight we had for the past 20 years.

And then I sold that car in 2000 for $20k. It became too much racing and not enough car and I wanted to travel more. Plus running it on the track was becoming very expensive and time consuming. It was bought by a dealer sight unseen based on it's reputation alone. My H wanted me to take the money and buy a house. I bought a bright red 2001 Mazda Miata instead and took THAT on MORE road trips. The trips I took the Miata made those that I took the Mustang on look l like ride around the block. Plus I ran it on the track from time to time too. I didn't trick it out as much though. I learned that much. But I did spend a good amount of time and money on it.

In 2005 I sold the Miata and bought the Jeep Wrangler that I own now. I modified it for rock crawling and went 4 wheeling in that. I used to take my kids off road in the Jeep, especially my daughter. I would take her with me twice a month out to PA to run in the off road parks and in Jeep Jamborees. We had a great time but the Jeep just provided more fodder for my husband to use against me when he would rage on and on about what a horrible wife and mother I was.

He's not wrong. He had to take up a LOT of flack for me and my obsession with motorsports and road trips. He practically raised our kids when they were young because I HAD to get away and do "my thing" to keep my sanity. Being a mother to two young children had a really adverse affect on me. It didn't help that my husband pretty much ignored me too. So instead of going out and having an affair with another man, I had an affair with some automobiles. Instead of going on shopping sprees for clothes and shoes I bought engine and suspension parts and spent hours installing them with my car buddies.

For years we would trade off weekends like we were a divorced couple. He's have a free weekend and I'd watch the kids and I would have the next weekend and he would watch the kids and off we'd go. We took separate vacations. We spent very little time together as a couple. We spent very little time together period.

Then in 2008, when we did little more with each other than yell and snipe at each other, we decided to "remake" our marriage. It was our last attempt to avoid divorce court because we were headed there fast. Ironically it was on Christmas Eve, 2008 that we did this because it was Christmas Eve 21 years earlier that he asked me to marry him.

I agreed to give up 4 wheeling the Jeep and road trips and instead got into kayaking. With gas prices hitting $4/gallon I was looking for a "cheaper" hobby than racing, 4 wheeling or road tripping. He seemed intersested so I bought him a kayak (and all the equipment that went with it) too and we started going paddling together.

Now that the kids were older we could get out..so we started going out as a couple to bars and to see bands and go dancing. It was like being in college for awhile there! For almost 2 years we finally were acting like married people and we had quite a lot of fun. We even started having sex again..and it was good! .

THEN the drinking started......

Sure am glad I kept the Jeep.

 

[Freak On a Leash]

Freak, I don't know what you do, but Austin,TX has one of the hottest job markets in the country. If you can stand the heat for 4 months, the rest of the year is great. And Austin has all kinds of greenbelts and lakes going right through the heart of the city. It's a hike to go skiing, however!

I don't really like the heat. The next place I live will be where I REALLY want to be. I want to be able to step outside my door and be doing the the things I love, instead of having to drive hours to someplace else to do it.

I think I'd want to either North..To Vermont or the Adirondacks, New Hampshire, Maine.

Or out West..Montana, Idaho, Utah, the Pacific Northwest.

I like mountains and I like snow.That's where my heart is. Even as a child I always wanted to live in the mountains. All my road trips were to and through the moutains...The Blue Ridge mountains. The Appalachians, the Rockies, the Green and White Mountains. The mountains in Nova Scotia and Quebec..where the sea meets the cliffs and mountains. So beautiful.

Even now, when I hike and kayak I go west and north..to the Delaware River surrounded by hills. To the Catskills and the Shawangunks. That's where I dream of being.

So how did I wound up living near the beach, in NJ? :scratchhead: I don't know. Bad luck I guess. But I make a living here and have two kids to take care of so I'm here for the next few years at least. But after that...

 

[Freak On a Leash]

Tomorrow we are going to the courthouse to file our Marital Settlement Agreement. It's not much of one. Basically we are asking for a divorce. I will be free to move or do what I want once our kids graduate their schools in 2016.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing but I at least want the option to be able to leave and pursue my own dreams and I don't want to be legally tied down with child support. Time will tell on that one. I'm not legally obligated to support our kids but I will always be there for them. I'm divorcing my husband, not my kids.

At this point I can't depend on my STBXH for anything. He still claims he's broke. He seems willing and able to watch my son for me but it's not something I'm counting on long term. I take it day to day, week to week. If he can remain sober and be a good father to our son then that's the most important thing.

We'll get the settlement notarized, file it and wait for our court date when the divorce will be done. Final cost will be around $300. That's about as cheap and as fast as it gets. It's pretty much all I can expect to get at this point without a hassle. Last thing I need right now is more hassles and stress.

My STBXH is sober, going to AA at least once a day, sometimes twice. I don't talk to him much these days. Just to arrange for him to pick up our son, drop him off, etc.

He's been good about this. He took my son for a few days last week when I went away skiing for a few days. My daughter came home for the weekend and my son stayed with him. He dropped him off Sunday afternoon. We are pretty much letting my son call the shots on how often he wants to see his father unless I need to go away overnight. To that end, we have no formal visitation schedule. I'm just going to play it by ear depending on how my STBXH is doing and what my son wants to do.

My son doesn't seem to WANT to be over at his father's for long periods of time. He and I are getting along much better. My son has matured a lot and really seems to be trying hard to be good. He cleans up after himself, gets himself up in the morning, does his homework and is doing much better. I told him how much I appreciated how is he is acting and he hugged me.

I will say it's nice to come home from work and have my son here. He opens the door and hugs me. We talk a lot more these days, watch TV and laugh. This weekend I told him we'd order in Chinese food and watch some movies. We are building a life together and that's a good thing.

I feel proud of myself as a parent these days. My son is being cared for. I get up and make him breakfast in the morning and make sure he's on the bus. He has a new computer, a refrigerator full of food, he's doing well in school. I got both my kids health care funded through the state and am working on getting it for me now that I've filed our 2012 taxes. I've managed to fix and undo all the damage that my husband has done to us over these past 2.5 years. The divorce is just the icing on the proverbial cake.

My daughter has a new car and we've got her financial aid filed. I'm working as much as I can and things are humming along. I even got away for a few days here and there. Maybe I'll get another ski trip in before kayaking/hiking/camping season starts.

So that's that. Basically we are in the home stretch now. Some will say I waited too long but in actuality I played it right. If I'd done this 3 years ago I would've been angry, vengeful and emotional. Instead I was cool, calculated and thoughtful. Much better.

It's not about me or him anymore. It's about my kids, especially my son. I don't expect my STBXH to be much of a factor in my life at all. I don't really give him much thought these days, except for when I want or need to make plans. With the warmer weather coming I'll be wanting to do some trips. Fortunately my daughter will be around so I won't have to rely on my STBXH to take my son for overnights. As my son grows older it won't be a factor at all.

I once told my daughter that life is a series of intersections. You turn off of one and start down a new road from time to time. I'm doing just that right now, right here with this divorce. It's not the end but a beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life. 'Cause Life Starts Now. :smthumbup:

 

[Chuck71]

You have really come out of this in great shape! Sounds like your H is finally making progress. Sucks he did not make this effort years ago. But he is trying to work on things with children. I hope the dawn continues to break for you!

 

[Freak On a Leash]

You have really come out of this in great shape! Sounds like your H is finally making progress. Sucks he did not make this effort years ago. But he is trying to work on things with children. I hope the dawn continues to break for you!

Thank you! I wish my STBX had made a greater effort to STAY sober years ago. I don't know if it would've changed anything with regards to the divorce but it would've been far easier on himself and the kids. He might have money in the bank, a job and oh yeah, a relationship with his daughter as a result. She still wants nothing to do with him and I don't know if she ever will. I told my STBXH to stay away from her and he's hoping that time will heal all wounds. I wouldn't put money on it. He has done some real damage to his relationship with our son but if he stays sober he will keep him in his life. However, even now, there are no guarantees that he'll stay sober. He's done this before. Last year he was doing just as well and convinced me enough so that I had no problem sending my son to live with him and it all fell apart in the end.

Now he's in AA, I'm not there for him and he's broke now so maybe that will keep him sober. He keeps saying how he *might* lose his apartment and wind up living with someone else. He seems to have this idea that one of his friends will give him a place to stay should he wind up homeless.

I've already told him that should that happen my apartment is off limits. He can NOT crash here! I just can't understand how he can think that one of his married friends would be so willing to let him just live with them! Why doesn't he get a damn job instead of ruining and disrupting other people's lives? He's done it to his family and now he wants to do it to his friends? :wtf:

His selfish attitude never ceases to amaze me, as well as his ability to lie about things. I still don't trust him, I just don't have much choice in the matter. I have my suspicians about just how much money he DOES have left squirreled away someplace. He claims otherwise. Either way, any money he does have is inherited money so I don't have a claim on it.

Problem is, as long as he feels that he has some form of "escape" or something to fall back on I'm afraid that he can and will start drinking so I'm not getting my hopes up. If he does start drinking again he will be doing it alone.

In years past I was there for him. I told him I loved him, cleaned his apartment, paid his bills for him and visited him in the hospital. However the last time, I told him I was divorcing him and he went ballistic. But that was his last time being able to do that. If it happens again he will have no more threats or actions to make against anyone. We will be divorced and he will truly be on his own. We are now completely free of him. It would help me greatly if he could take my son for visitation, especially on overnights from time to time but it's not something I couldn't live without.

The only one with any emotional ties to him are our son and he has made it clear that if his father starts drinking again he'll have nothing to do with him and I believe him. I hope his father does. My H is in real danger of truly being alone. Same thing happened to his older brother, who is 14 years older than him, got depresssed, divorced and became an alcoholic. No one has heard from or seen him in over 2 years. This type of behavior seems to run in his family.

He's not giving me any money right now. He keeps saying that once he starts making some that will change but I'm not holding my breath. He might get it together but he might wind up living under some bridge or disappearing like his brother did. But it won't be my problem anymore.

Even before my husband started his drinking our marriage was in bad shape and I was looking to leave. I've been miserable being married for years. It was my fear of the unknown, of him, my concern about losing my kids and the hope that things might get better that kept me in. I remember saying 10 years ago that once my son turned 18 I would be free. I'm still saying that but at least now it's happening.

As as I read about all the problems parents of younger chidren who are getting divorced are having I'm glad I waited. It's far easier on the kids and yourself when the kids are older. Plus, emotionally I'm much better to handle it as well. I guess what happens from now only time will tell. I hope for my son's sake that his father takes all this seriously. If not, we'll survive and forge ahead. My son will always have a place with me regardless.

 

[HeartbrokenW]

Many similarities... except for alcohol, its drugs. Mine was homeless, now living with POS OW and his brother and brother's wife. Doesn't have a place for DD to stay overnight. No money, no job, he just lost his phone. Our final divorce hearing is Monday. He asked for the divorce, signed off on everything - quit claim deed, marital settlement agreement, then Karma struck and he's basically penniless. Ran up about $30,000 in medical bills, he's about $20,000 in his own credit card debt. Agreement clearly states he's responsible for everything that occurred after Oct 2. I'm going to be changing my name and do the best I can to hide from his creditors. Its marital property state tho, so don't know how successful I'll be. At this point, I just want to end it and move on with my life, whatever that may be.

 

[Chuck71]

If your name is on anything, what the court says is not worth paper written on. Creditors will still chase you....until you drop a 7 on them. Hopefully the CCs were in his name. Was any medical bills in your name as carrier and he patient?

 

[HeartbrokenW]

We have one joint cc, I'm paying that one and the ones in my name. The rest were in his name. Medical bills are all his. Yes he used my insurance, my lawyer told me not to pay anything that wasn't covered.

 

[Freak On a Leash]

If your name is on anything, what the court says is not worth paper written on. Creditors will still chase you....until you drop a 7 on them. Hopefully the CCs were in his name. Was any medical bills in your name as carrier and he patient?

Nothing at all is in my name. It's all his. He got his credit cards, loans, bills, etc after we separated. Same with the car, his boat, his apartment, etc. Everything is separate. I don't even know what credit cards he has. I don't know what medical bills he has but until December 31st we had great medical coverage under a group plan for our business but I canceled it as of 12/31. Now he is completely on his own and he doesn't have any health insurance. The kids and I are covered under separate plans now. Lord knows what he's been doing on his own but it's all his.

When he informed me that he was running out of money and living off credit cards it was the proverbial straw. I told him right then and there that I was filing for divorce.

 

[Freak On a Leash]

Many similarities... except for alcohol, its drugs. Mine was homeless, now living with POS OW and his brother and brother's wife. Doesn't have a place for DD to stay overnight. No money, no job, he just lost his phone.

Wow..that is a real bummer. I'm glad that mine doesn't have a POS OW. Seems to be a common scenario out there. Neither of us ever cheated on one another, which helps keep us friendly now.

The broke and homeless situation is exactly what I'm afraid will happen to my STBXH. He keeps saying it could happen! :slap: It pisses me off to no end that he went through thousands of dollars of his inheritance having himself a party and not working for 2 years. I begged him to put it in the bank and get a job. He did for awhile last summer but it didn't last long.

Now it seems it's all gone and I don't know what he's living off of. He doesn't have a cell phone anymore. When he has my son with him I told him he could take my son's cell phone with him so that my son can call him from his apartment (he has a landline). He has no real family and talks about crashing on his friend's floor should he lose his apartment. :wtf: This is a guy who is living in a small home with his own daughter and two nephews! How can he do that?

I'm hoping he'll get his act together eventually and get a job of some sort but where he'll wind up is anyone's guess. He's got a place now so I just take it one day at a time. Fortunately my son is at the point where in a year or so it won't be an issue. In the May my daughter will be home for summer break so if I need to go away this summer at least that's covered.

I'm well aware that I might be the only support for my son for awhile. One reason I'm not riding my STBXH about support is that I want him to stay sober and be a positive factor in my son's life. If he can't provide financial support then he can at least be a dad to him.

My son needs his father in his life. When my STBXH is sober he's a pretty good guy. He's just lucky that I've gotten over my anger and I'm not the vengeful type. I'm rather pragmatic about this whole situation. Now that we don't live together and are completely separate financially and I'm not emotionally tied to him we are actually getting along better than we ever did.

I just take it one step at a time.

 

[Chuck71]

Med bills are not a big deal compared to the jack leg CC hounds. I work with people who have credit issues.....funny if you search hard enough.....you would be amazed how many CC companies have their US home base in.....Wilmington, DE, same street too. And DE has 2nd most laxed CC laws (oh the he!! you say). SD is the most and people are already getting credit posses from there.

Med bills can hurt your credit but just as with CCs.....pay $25 a month.....does not matter if they want $400....they can't hit your C-report and after a year they realize you know the game. Then they go 0% APR and ask $50 month and pray you don't drop a 7. Jacking the CC banks (especially UK based) is a rush to me
8>)....it's my coke fix!!!

 

[HeartbrokenW]

When stbxh asked for the divorce, he was driving semi cross country. he didn't think he needed a home - he lived in his truck. But he had turned to synthetic weed so it wouldn't show up in drug tests. I've done alot of research on that crap.. you don't know what it will do to you because they keep changing the substances. Nausea, vomiting, hallucinations, seizures are all symptoms, and describes him to a T. he ended up having a seizure in KY, and his company flew in a driver to take over his load. He rented a car, packed up all his stuff from the truck and drove home. He ended up living in IL, 4 hrs away with a woman who he had worked with for 6 yrs. He swears nothing happened between them until we were separated, but you have to wonder. I still call her POS OW, though she doesn't technically fit the description. Both of them have since moved back up here and in with his brother.

I agreed to no child support. He pays support for his son in NY, and I figured if he paid what he agreed to, I'd be fine. I was paying his CS before we separated, so that was already like getting a raise. Now his ex is taking him back to court for unpaid support, and he's in serious danger of facing jail time, or losing his license.. NY doesn't mess around. He chose the drugs over our stable life... I have a real hard time feeling sorry for him. Karma.

 

[Chuck71]

HBW-I would wonder too....quite a bit. Run old CC receipts. There is always a paper trail (crim just background). Being a guy I admit.....I have made bonehead decisions but thankfully not that bad. He will not enjoy karma...that is a definite

 

[Freak On a Leash]

Med bills are not a big deal compared to the jack leg CC hounds. I work with people who have credit issues.....funny if you search hard enough.....you would be amazed how many CC companies have their US home base in.....Wilmington, DE, same street too. And DE has 2nd most laxed CC laws (oh the he!! you say). SD is the most and people are already getting credit posses from there.

Med bills can hurt your credit but just as with CCs.....pay $25 a month.....does not matter if they want $400....they can't hit your C-report and after a year they realize you know the game. Then they go 0% APR and ask $50 month and pray you don't drop a 7. Jacking the CC banks (especially UK based) is a rush to me
8>)....it's my coke fix!!!

I don't know WHAT my credit cards or med bills my husband is running up. All I know is that when I realized that he was broke and living off credit cards I filed ASAP.

When we separated and moved into separate places he didn't have any as far as I knew. I didn't either. I didn't have any credit cards until last year. I used only a debit card and realized that I needed to build up a good credit rating on my own, so I've been doing that. I pay mine off every month.

When I applied for the cards and my daughter's car loan nothing was asked about my marital status or my husband. It's all mine. I'm assuming that's the case with him.

I guess it'll be a wait and see situation. What's done is done at this point. He agreed that his debts are his, mine are mine but I've been told that means nothing out there in the real world. I guess we'll have to see where the chips fall. For the past 2+ years we've had NOTHING that is joint. No bank accounts, no card, no insurance, no loans..nothing. This year we filed our taxes married but filing separately.

As far as I know he's still paying on his credit cards.. Or not. But in a month or so we'll be divorced. One reason I wanted to have a quick and speedy divorce was to get away from him and whatever debt problems he may be having or have in the future ASAP, before it gets any worse.

 

[swetecynamome]

I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you. Unbelievable. It sounds like you have taken all the steps you can and now, once the divorce is final, you'll be free.

 

[Freak On a Leash]

Thankyou..I appreciate the kind words! When you have a kid you are never really free of the other parent. However, emotionally I am free and that was the hardest part of this entire ordeal.

Things are much better now. We went out together to the courthouse this past Thursday, filed the paperwork and are waiting on the final court date. I guess that will be that. Hopefully the STBXH will stay sober and hopefully find a way to support himself and help out with our son.