T-
I'm affraid to read the article....I just might find out that I have in fact hit rock bottom. LOL

NOT!

On a side note thank you for adding to this community.

 

You're welcome. I feel a thread like this could help facilitate some positive discussions.....even if it helps just one person....

 

I started reading inspirational self help books last month, I wish I would have started sooner now. They have made a world of difference for me. Books by Anthony Robbins, John Maxwell and others have made a huge impact on my life. I am learning how to change my thinking and deal with thoughts that I don't like. I am being inspired daily now and in turn I am inspiring my wife and my kids. I am learning to be pro-active instead of re-active.

My life was a mess prior to my wifes A. It propelled me though to become a better me. Though I was wounded and bleeding I found strength and determination. From all of the reading I have been doing it's not unusual for a change like this to occur after such a devestating event like an affair. I found myself, I just had to now rebuild my self esteem and life. I had to learn that I can be happy and that this event does not define my life. It happened, it's over, now let's move forward. I decided my mantra, my desire was to be happy. That was my goal then and that's what I focused on. It wasn't easy though, thoughts of the A became an obsession at times, I was consumed by it for months and months. Time was the biggest healer then. However, had I found some of these self help books then they may have helped me heal a little quicker.


Here is what I have read, and listened to so far:

Find Your Power: Boost Your Inner Strengths, Break Through Blocks and Achieve Inspired Action
by Chris Johnstone

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
by Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith

Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success
by John C. Maxwell

Thinking for a change - John C. Maxwell

Awakening the giant within Anthony Robbins - CD

15 Invaluable laws of growth by John C. Maxwell

Assertive Activities - The Assertiveness Pocketbook
by Max A. Eggert

Assertivness: How to stand up for yourself and still win the respect of others by Judy Murphy



Among others..I am currently reading The power of your subconscious mind anything is possible by Dr. Joseph Murphy
This is, so far, very interesting and could be the best one yet.

I am still attempting to find ways to control my thinking, to become more in control of my thought process. I really want to be the best me possible.

The A doesn't have near the grip it had before, however, there are still a few lingering pieces of it and I am working on those. Also, I was a very passive man before, I am fixing that too, along with setting goals and working on me, our marriage and our life. Things are very good now, it's been 15 months since Dday and I can honestly say I am happy now. There are still some bad moments from time to time but they are far and few between now. The reading has helped so much, I recommend it highly.



A couple of quotes that have inspired me are....

-We change the world around us by changing ourselves. When we change our thoughts, we change our world. We change our lives, our relationships, our circumstances, our performance, and our success. We achieve significant results by becoming aware of, taking responsibility for, and changing the thoughts that waste our time, energy, and money and block our light (true reality). -Managing Thought: Think Differently. Think Powerfully. Achieve New Levels of Success


-If you don't try to create the future you want then you must endure the future you get.

 

B1 -

Thanks for jumping in with this list! I think self-improvement is valuable at any point in life. Have you starting working out or getting into fitness to compliment the reading? I know exercise - when it is vigorous - lifts my mood...

 

TS1, B1 isn't spending much time on TAM these days so he may not see your response to his comment. So, to answer your question, yes, he does go to the gym 3-4 times a week. This is something that he and I used to do together, but he had quit going back in around 2009. We are going together, again, and it has been one more lovely element of our reconciliation. Something that I'm really proud of is that even on the days when I am being a lazy slug and I don't go, he still does. The man is on fire....... :smthumbup: I am a very lucky lady!

 

At my lowest points I filled my time with positive things. I' ve trained for a half marathon, learned to play tennis and joined a church. It's been a great way to relieve stress and learn to believe in myself again. While he wallows in the mire with his *****s, I'm building a better me...one he could never begin to deserve!
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Getting out and intereacting with other people does seem to help doesn't it? Find a group of people wiht positive interests instead of letting the broken relationship define your existence...

 

This article was VERY interesting - please read it!!

Self help: forget positive thinking, try positive action

From the article:

"Throughout that time many self-help gurus promoted ideas that were in line with people's everyday experiences about the human mind. Common sense tells us that emotions come before behaviour, and so decades of self-help books told readers to focus on trying to change the way they thought rather than the way they behaved. James's theory simply didn't get a look-in.

However in the 70s psychologist James Laird from Clark University decided to put James's theory to the test. Volunteers were invited into the laboratory and asked to adopt certain facial expressions. To create an angry expression participants were asked to draw down their eyebrows and clench their teeth. For the happy expression they were asked to draw back the corners of the mouth. The results were remarkable. Exactly as predicted by James years before, the participants felt significantly happier when they forced their faces into smiles, and much angrier when they were clenching their teeth.

Subsequent research has shown that the same effect applies to almost all aspects of our everyday lives. By acting as if you are a certain type of person, you become that person – what I call the "As If" principle."

 

You are very welcome! I hope more TAM readers will post the books, articles or techniques they found helpful. I hope this thread can become a resource for people trying to rebuild their lives!

 

Guided Meditation is a great help for me. I have also read books by Dr. Gary Chapman and right now I am reading "How to get past what you will never get over" by someone Westfall, John I think. I also go to IC twice a month which helps me. I am training for my first 5K so that keeps me occupied to be ready for mid December.

 

Books, I have a whole list I will make and post.

For now what I am finding helpful is to see STBXS
Not being the person I thought he was and believed in for over 10 years as a way to see more clearly who I really am by understanding what he is not!
It's quite helpful because the tendency is to think "oh I thought they were the same as me now I know they are not or I lost something that was the same as me."

No, Wong way to look at it, use it as a way to see into your self and know what you are. Use the contrast for your own gain.
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When you hit "Rock Bottom", hit it with your feet and not your head. Do your worst with style and your best with style. Every downfall is an opportunity for a steep and glorious ascent.
I lost the battle at 5 o'clock but won it back at 7!

 

TAM readers check these posters out - there are some wonderful insights here... What do you think?

Motivational Posters: Ernest Hemingway Edition

 

Get moving!!!

Exercise and Depression

From WebMD

"Want to learn more about exercise and depression? Many studies show that people who exercise regularly benefit with a positive boost in mood and lower rates of depression.

What Are the Psychological Benefits of Exercise With Depression?

Improved self-esteem is a key psychological benefit of regular physical activity. When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain.

Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as "euphoric." That feeling, known as a "runner's high," can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life.

Endorphins act as analgesics, which means they diminish the perception of pain. They also act as sedatives. They are manufactured in your brain, spinal cord, and many other parts of your body and are released in response to brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. The neuron receptors endorphins bind to are the same ones that bind some pain medicines. However, unlike with morphine, the activation of these receptors by the body's endorphins does not lead to addiction or dependence."

 

Inspirational quote:


“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” - Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

 

Inspirational quote:

"Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly." - Stephen R. Covey

 

Eliminating Energetic Mind Cancers for Productivity & Happiness

From the article:

"An ENERGETIC SPACE OCCUPYING LESION (ESOL) is a term I coined a few years back to illustrate the energetic “cancers” that occupy our mind, take up space on our virtual hard drives and rob us of our ability to be as whole, wise and brilliant as we can be. They come in various shapes and sizes; some in the shape of a hot water tank, and from various sources but the end result is always the same. These mind cancers clog our minds, slow down the operating speed of our brains and basically inhibit us from expressing our authentic greatness to the world."

"So my challenge to you is to look around in your life for things you are tolerating, putting up with or living with that are energetic space occupying lesions for you. I contend that “A Course in Miracles” is correct and that the solution to life’s problems/challenges lies in the problems themselves and are there for us to find simultaneously with having the problems revealed. Removing these from your life will create more space for new things, ideas, people and abundance as well as enhancing your joy level and improving your quality of life."

 

Hey everyone,

It's been a while since I've been on. I usually only return to TAM whenever something new about my sex addicted husband pops up - like today I learned about his interest in males. I'm with him for practical reasons and he is still a friend, albeit a messed-up one. Unfortunately, between November dday and the end of July, I became a sick person myself and wallowed in the abyss of misery that BS's all fall into. I was critical of others and really started to HATE myself.

The amazing thing is that I found myself ready to climb out in August. I watched the movie "The Secret" and explored the Law of Attraction, and while I attended an ivy league school and "should not" be attracted to such theories, I flipping am. ;-) And everything is changing for me. Whether everything they claim is true or not, does not matter. A significant amount of truth lies around these laws and can help you transform your mind. We can't change events but we can change our perception/reaction to them. We do have the potential to transcend the misery. That said, I believe you have to be "ready" to get better. You have to go through the stages of shock, grief, despair and so on. After initial dday, you are in for an emotion ride that cannot be avoided. But if you can endure the stages, time will be on your side and eventually you will be "ready" to change your world - so long as you follow through and don't get caught up in your story, your own tragedy.

When you are ready here are some things you can take or leave, as you like:

1. Think of the things you've always wanted to do. Do them. Think of the things you didn't do because you wouldn't want to spend extra money. e.g. I'm doing agility training with my dog at a snazzy dog-training/playing place. I never considered it something I could do - only people with money did that. Now I'm liberated!

2. Exercise if you can. I'm not too great about this yet... I've got a tight schedule and certain other aspects of self-improvement that are priority for me. But obviously, exercise helps SOOO many people.

3. Write lists of all the things you have to be grateful for - seriously CHALLENGE yourself to see the abundance of good in our lives. Once we can move past the miserable experience of infidelity, we can reflect on all the good fortune in our life (e.g. health, opportunities for schooling, a great childhood, travel, the neighborhood you live in, a full head of hair, food on the table, etc).

4. Figure out who the toxic people are in your life and cut them out. At least reduce the time you are with them. Since I am living in the same house as my husband, I can't totally cut out contact. But I am trying to be out with OTHER positive people and not with him. I'm spending a lot of time with a new friend I met at the dog park (we both adore dogs) and am having so many positive experiences with her.

5. Buy self-help books, whatever kind appeals to you. The Secret and subsequent research on the internet is helping me crazily. I can't believe how alive and happy I feel even though I am married to a sex addict and not long ago fantasized about suicide and believed my life would never improve!

My biggest piece of advice is instead of thinking about all you don't have, the lack of things in your life, and your present circumstances, think about what you have to be grateful for and what you above all DESIRE. Really ask yourself what you wish were your life. Look beyond your marriage. Then start focusing on that life that you desire. Write down your wishes/dreams/hopes. Then entrust your desires to the Universe/God/whatever you believe in. BELIEVE that you will be guided along the way and try to act as if it is so.

 

Thanks for sharing!!

 

5 Ways To Quiet a Racing Mind

From the article:

5 Methods of Quieting Your Mind When You Can’t Sleep

While there are a lot of resources out there for people who struggle with racing thoughts or an inability to sleep well, there are a couple things that I’ve found particularly helpful.

Practice the Eckart Tolle Kung-Fu Way – It really helpful to bring you attention fully to the present when you trying to get to sleep. A great way to do this I picked from watching Oprah interview Eckhart Tolle. He held both hands out straight (like a Kung Fun Master), then he said outside the right hand is the future and outside the left hand was the past. Now bring your attention to the distance between your two hands that represents the present.

Create Inward Focus – Focus on the physical world that you can control. Focus on your own body. Start by turning your attention to your hands over and really thinking about what you’re doing to the exclusion of all else. When that begins to work, move your elbows or roll your shoulders. The idea here is to focus so much on your body’s movements that your thoughts begin to fade. The added benefit being that these exercises will leave your body relaxed and ready for sleep.

Breathe – Try taking deep breathes in through your nose and out through your mouth, holding each breathe for 3 seconds. Notice the tension leaving your body on each exhale.

Pattering Quiet Activities – Think about activities that calm you and put you in a more open minded or relaxed state. For some people, it’s painting, reading, knitting, or puzzle books. The activity shouldn’t be overly physical or mental. Start making it a habit of this activity being the last thing you do before you go to bed. If you mind starts to race, for on the activity you just completed.

Recount Your Successes – Buy a journal and before you lay down, make a list of your successes from the day or the moments which you were grateful for. This will slow down your thoughts and send out off to sleep in a positive mindset."

 

I don't breath or do yoga, I just do squats and dead lifts.

 

Those work too......

 

5 Steps to Contentment Now

From the article:

Here are the five most important steps to launching this approach:

1. Accept that some things will happen no matter what you do.
Some things are facts of life. Period. The big one here is getting older. I will turn 50 in less than two years—I can see it just around the corner.

But I never get bummed out about getting older, not even the final push into middle age—the big 5 – 0—gets me down. Because I accept that it is inevitable. I can be depressed about it, but it’s still going to happen. So why not just embrace it?

I have a choice here. The idea of getting depressed about the inevitable just doesn’t make any sense. It’s wasting time and energy on something you absolutely cannot change. So accept the inevitable.

2. Accept that some things won’t change quickly.

In my dreams, my perfect occupation is to be an artist—either a painter or a musician. And I believe that if I want this badly enough, it will happen…some day. But right now I can’t quit my job to pursue my passion. I have obligations that can’t go unfulfilled because I have a family to support.

But I can accept the way things are now and accept that they may not (probably will not) change in the near future. This doesn’t mean I have to be miserable in that acceptance.

This is another opportunity to make a choice.

Will I be depressed because the new school year is starting and, as a teacher, it means I am starting another ten months of very hard work and lots of stress? I can have that attitude and be miserable every day until summer break, or I can choose to accept it with a positive attitude.

I choose the positive path.

3. Make a Choice to Turn It Around

Ultimately, accepting the situation you are now in—whether it’s never going to change or whether it is changeable at some point in the future—means making a choice. You either choose to be content with what you have, or you choose to be miserable.

I choose consciously, virtually every day, to have a positive attitude. I got to a point several years ago where I was just miserable. Not only was a stressed about my job but I was depressed about it. I couldn’t stand going into class each day.

And then I decided to “turn it around.” Why do I have to be miserable, I asked myself. You need to ask yourself, too: Why do you have to be miserable?

The transformation after choosing to accept reality as it is here and now, after choosing positivity over negativity, is powerful. You actually—and rather quickly—start to be content, maybe even happy.

You start to let go of the negative things and embrace whatever positive things might be found within all the junk. This is the power of positive thinking.

Your very tangible reality may not change—you may have the same job, the same bills to pay, the same dinner to put on the table every night—but how you perceive it changes. And ultimately the reality does change, for you, and in profound ways that impact your well-being.

4. Keep It Turned Around

I know it may sound very easy, in fact too easy, to just say “turn it around.” That’s true. A lot more goes into this process than just switching on a positive attitude as quickly as switching on a light.

The step after making a choice to be positive is figuring out how to stay that way.

This means focusing on what is good in the current situation and thinking more about that than about what is not good.

These might start off as very little things—I got out of bed this morning; I went into work with a smile on my face; my daughter said something nice to me; the coffee tasted particularly good this morning; I made a productive comment at a work meeting; I cooked a really good dinner that my family actually liked.

Sometimes it may seem like looking for a needle in a haystack to find the good when your reality seems so bad. But keep looking. The good is there to be embraced.

5. The Caveat

But a caveat is needed before I finish: Just because I am urging you to make a positive choice doesn’t mean you can’t be sad or angry sometimes. Bad, mean, unfair things happen, and these are valid feelings you deserve to feel.

You shouldn’t feel like you have to be positive about everything all the time; that’s unfair to you and your authentic feelings. So have a good cry or punch a pillow or put some extra power into your kickboxing routine. Get it out and then let it go.

Make a choice to “turn it around,” if not the actual situation that made you angry then at least the impact it has on your life. Don’t give whatever is getting you down too much power; don’t let it ruin the choice you’ve made to be positive. Don’t ignore it, but don’t dwell in it (at least not for too long).

 

After two years, there are a few things that have helped me...
1. A To-Do List. I keep one of rolling priorities big and small of things I could do. I estimate how many hours it'll take. When I'm feeling down, I add new things to it and cross off the ones I've done. I find that when I'm feeling ansy and just need distraction that hard manual labor - productively applied - can pound out a lot of things from that list. Over time, I've been putting things on it like, "Take family kayaking". It makes me feel good to see all the things I've accomplished in my personal life when I'd otherwise be brooding.
2. Acupuncture. Surprisingly. I've been seeing a chiropractor for tendonitis issues and he suggested a I try acupuncture. I thought, "no way, how would sticking needles in my skin help anything?" But, if you search for "acupuncture PTSD (or anxiety)" you'll see that Defense has and is doing comprehensive studies with PTSD and acupuncture and surprisingly it is working. I had my 6th treatment yesterday. They stick needles in your ears for 20 min. AND amazingly, the mind movies are still running but I care less and am impacted by them less. I remember things and encounter triggers and I have exactly the same pervasive and invasive thoughts but I care less about them. It's hard to describe.

 

After two years, there are a few things that have helped me...
1. A To-Do List. I keep one of rolling priorities big and small of things I could do. I estimate how many hours it'll take. When I'm feeling down, I add new things to it and cross off the ones I've done. I find that when I'm feeling ansy and just need distraction that hard manual labor - productively applied - can pound out a lot of things from that list. Over time, I've been putting things on it like, "Take family kayaking". It makes me feel good to see all the things I've accomplished in my personal life when I'd otherwise be brooding.
2. Acupuncture. Surprisingly. I've been seeing a chiropractor for tendonitis issues and he suggested a I try acupuncture. I thought, "no way, how would sticking needles in my skin help anything?" But, if you search for "acupuncture PTSD (or anxiety)" you'll see that Defense has and is doing comprehensive studies with PTSD and acupuncture and surprisingly it is working. I had my 6th treatment yesterday. They stick needles in your ears for 20 min. AND amazingly, the mind movies are still running but I care less and am impacted by them less. I remember things and encounter triggers and I have exactly the same pervasive and invasive thoughts but I care less about them. It's hard to describe.

Wow...thanks for sharing...so they lessen the intensity of the triggers after a session of acupuncture?

 

So far, yes. As noted, I just finished my 6th session. And I feel like a hippie writing "so far, yes".

1st session: I expected and felt nothing but slept like a baby and for the first time I can remember, I was at work next day without anxiety, heart palpitations, disruptive thoughts, mind movies, or dissociation. Dissociating has been really bad for me. That being said, at 6 pm that next day, it ALL came back and it was awful after a day like that. Sleep was really bad too.

2nd session: Same as 1st session but benefit only lasted about 5 hours before I went back to normal. It was kind of depressing actually.

3rd: I couldn't tell anything until about 4 days later when I realized that, compared to my "normal" I was doing somewhat better generally.

4th: Same as 3rd but I noticed that I was also dissociating less. Normal dissociation for me, was trigger and what felt like a schizoid hallucination. I noticed that I would trigger and instead of my heart racing, I would think, "I'm triggering" and have all the same thoughts I normally would but minus the anxiety reaction.

5th: Absolutely nothing. There was a 2 week delay here while the doctor was on vacation and I actually reverted back to "normal" entirely. The 5th was depressing because I registered no improvement.

6th: Back to a better general state more along the lines of the 3rd session.

It's all mental so I journalled it. To be honest, I expected to spend money and quit after the 3rd session, but if you read the DoD studies, shrugs. I committed to try this for 3 months, which is the DoD length of study the Navy did.

 

I have gone through a few phases in life where I have turned it into positivity, I genuinely was happier. Keeping it turned around is impossible though, if you choose to remain content or not grow, because the inevitable always happens and we are all pretty much powerless to change it due to our lot in life. Basically I want life to have more meaning, but it inevitably doesn't. So I'm supposed to delude myself into pretending it does in order to not ruin everyone else's delusion?

 

I started this thread awhile ago as a positive force to help those suffering deal with their trauma. Here is another article I found that I liked. Please add your own articles here so we can build a POSITIVE thread to help people get through lifes difficulties.

_________________________________________

7 Ways Successful People Remain Calm When Life Gets Out Of Control

Every now and again life doesn’t throw us a curve, it aims a quiver full of arrows. When this happens we don’t know which way to turn or what to do.

Panic sets in.

This is followed by frantic activity or total immobility.

But there are some people, who seem to navigate this onslaught of trials in a calm and peaceful manner.

What is their secret?

They know every problem has a solution.

When you start from this understanding you are already on your way to dealing with whatever you are facing. Knowing there is a solution means that now you have shifted the focus from a problem to a creative outcome. You are no longer in victim mode, now you are in creator mode.

They stay away from the mind circles.

Mind circles are those repeated thoughts that keep going round and round in your head. Thoughts like: What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? Why does this happen to me? These thoughts only add more confusion to the situation and keep you trapped in a victim mentality.

It is best to take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What is the worst case scenario?” This is a great question because often things are not as bad as they first appear. It will also stops you from repeating hypothetical questions based on imagination.
They don’t exaggerate the situation.

Our mind loves to take a situation and blow it out of proportion. In a flash, we can go from a simple fender bender to OMG I could have been killed. Look at the situation for what it is, don’t add to it.

Stick to the facts.

They breath.

So simple and so effective at calming us immediately! It is such a natural thing that we forget that we breath. When a situation arises that gets your blood pressure and anxiety levels up, stop what you doing. Take several deep breathes, allow yourself to feel the air entering and leaving your body.

This takes the focus off what is happening around you, and gets you centered so that you will think and act with clarity.
They break the problem down into pieces.

When faced with problems we often get overwhelmed by them because we only see the enormity of the situation. As soon as you can after the initial shock, break the problem down in to manageable parts. Identifying ONE thing you can do right now towards a solution. This will helps you see that there is a solution and that the solution is not as difficult as you thought it might be.

They are grateful.

This can be very difficult in some situations and you may not feel gratitude for a long time after an incident, but it is very helpful. If you can look at a situation and find one thing, however small, to be grateful for it shifts you out of victim mode.

In gratitude you are returning to your place of power and taking control over the situation. The situation is not leading you, you are leading the situation.

They accept what is.

Ultimately it all comes down to accepting the situation exactly as it is.

accepting what has happened,
accepting the difficulties it has caused,
accepting that you might have to do without something,
accepting that it could take time to fix,
accepting that you might not be happy about the situation.

In accepting the experience for what it is, an experience, you will be stepping way from the drama within the story and be left with the facts. When you are no longer reacting to the drama of the story, the problem tends to become simpler.

In most situations our natural instinct is to react. We can react in such a way as to make the situation worse thus adding to the problem or, we can react in a calmer way that seeks to find solutions.

The choice is yours.

What is your best advice for remaining calm in the eye of the storm?

 

What is your best advice for remaining calm in the eye of the storm?

Strangely enough, it's my kids. I want to model good examples of problem solving for them (because they don't have any sense of it yet!), so I deliberately behave in ways that make your noted things happen.

If something goes wrong, I don't panic or get angry. I take a breath, calm myself, and tackle it with good problem solving logic. Whatever it is, is not the end of the world. I've been through that already and come out okay. When faced with new problems, I think out loud and generate solutions instead of wasting time lamenting about unfairness. Hopefully the kids are observing and learning something. I know I have, because I do it now even when they aren't around.