[Almostrecovered]

got off the phone with wife not too long ago and I told her what I just did this morning, she was fine with it and never showed any umbrage and just expressed remorse yet again.

On a side note we started to talk more about TAM since that's where I found out how to do it. She knew I visited support boards but never asked much about them. I relayed some stories that I've read here (Sham and CB) and told her about posting ours. So I guess there's a chance she might be reading this now. If that's the case, Hi hunny!

 

[it-guy]

That was bad....

Like you, I saw those facebook instructions for the first time yesterday and totally snapped. I started the download and agonizing 1.5 hour wait for the file to be created. During that time I had mentally prepared myself as to what was going to or not going to happen that evening. My heart was beating out of my chest. I was physically sick….probably white as a ghost. I was not strong enough to keep from doing it.

I got the file and then found that due to the volume of messaging my wife has had, the message file only went back to 4 days post D-Day. So I saw nothing. Only saw that she has not contacted him via facebook since D-Day, which is a good thing actually.

I also immediately called my wife and told her what I had done. I don’t want to keep things from her. There is no excuse for me to do these things 10 months out. We are recovering and I have not snooped for a long time. It was just too much for me. And, I hurt her yesterday by doing that.

I got a lot out of this forum and especially this thread. I have a lot of respect for the people on this board. But this shows me that I need to take a break from TAM. I just don’t need to see things like I did yesterday. Yesterday was destructive to me. I’ll be around….but I just need to back waaaay off for a while.

 

[Almostrecovered]

I've taken breaks as well so I understand it-guy.

 

[lordmayhem]

well that was a bust

facebook started saving your chat sessions in with your message folder back in April or May of this year, so any chats done before then weren't in the archive. (they never did message each other facebook and only used chat)

I did that twice already, once last year, and another one yesterday. The archive data is still very limited. Just like your fWW, mine only chatted and talked on the phone, they didn't PM each other except for the initial PMs. No wonder she was saying that I could check her messages, because there weren't any. I know for sure they mainly chatted and use the phone because on DDay, I logged into my fWWs account and OM started chatting with me, assuming he was chatting with my fWW.

Also, it sure as hell doesn't have any deleted PMs either, only those that are still in the PM folder that haven't been deleted. Neither does it show who was on the friends list and who has been deleted. It only shows current friends.

The only thing I think the data download is good for is IF the WS has not had a chance to delete any evidence and they don't know that you have their password.

 

[Almostrecovered]

today is the 2 year anniversary of my feeble attempt at exposing to the OMW- I hope people can learn from my mistakes here and do it quicker and with more preparedness

 

[Mrs1980]

Thanks AR. I did my OW contact not the best way but I do think it made things very awkward at work for the 2 so it helped in stopping contact.

I just read your whole story today and I want to comment on the sex part. Since I busted my h (he still denies and he's a computer expert so I can't run the same keyloggers ect on him to prove) on his poss EA, I have changed completely sexually. Of course entering my early 30's I have noticed myself wanting more and initiating more but since I found all the texts ect involving my H-I find myself hyper sexualized. I find myself wanting a MFM, I started looking on craigslist (partly to see if I could bust him on any posts he created but partly to see if any man would be interested in me) I made a fake gmail account and chated with men about how crappy I felt about myself (nothing sexual-I quit after one sent me a pix of his new baby).

I am not proud of what I have become My H and I are doing much better but I feel completely changed as a person. I don't like how high and twisted my sex desire has become. My guess is I am trying to treat my self esteem in this manner? Any advice? Ideas? My h and I have been having a lot more sex which is great but I want my old self back.

 

[Almostrecovered]

I swear something happens to some women when they hit their 30's

as far as your sexuality goes, you can't change yourself- just keep the line clear between fantasy and reality. I actually just had an email exchange with another TAM member who was considering doing the whole MFM thing and when I outlined just how much goes into it she realized that it is much better left as a fantasy than actually trying to implement it. Do other things to simulate with your husband what you like about the MFM scenario (like using toys for DP) instead.
The one thing that no one ever says about swinging is how much it can be a huge waste of time. Putting aside the risk of STD's, running into dangerous possibilities and crossing boundaries, it just isn't worth it in my opinion.

 

[Almostrecovered]

BTW- if you husband is high tech then go low tech- use VAR's and have him followed

 

[Mrs1980]

dumb question: Does radio interfere with VARs? My h listens a lot in the car and loudly.

 

[Almostrecovered]

Well it will pick it up, but it won't stop the recording, I would also assume he would turn down the radio to talk on the phone
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[lordmayhem]

Well it will pick it up, but it won't stop the recording, I would also assume he would turn down the radio to talk on the phone
Posted via Mobile Device

:iagree:

Yep. My WW always turns down the radio to talk, fortunately, its to call me or the kids.

 

[Just Tired Of It All]

AlostRecovered:

I must say... wow... i just found this site few days ago.. posted then stumbled accross your post/story and I have been glued every since.. goodness I just cant wait to get home to get back on here to read your writing... I am gaining alot of useful information to deal with my own drama.. yes at this time in my life it is just considered drama to me.. But you writing this is just so informative but so much shall I say the best Novel IV read in awhile.. wow you should write a book Sir, if most self/help on infedelity was as interesting and well writen as yours, well maybe people like myself wouldnt be surfing the net trying to find some kind of metal, emotional self help recovery system.. Ok I got to get back to reading... I just wanted to say that this is very good.. I wish I could write as well as you because my story would be a expressive one. but I am not a great writer.. you have managed to express your story and keep me coming back to read more.. And you was so strong through it.. it gives me courage that I may be that strong one day... Thank you for writing this....

 

[Almostrecovered]

AlostRecovered:

I must say... wow... i just found this site few days ago.. posted then stumbled accross your post/story and I have been glued every since.. goodness I just cant wait to get home to get back on here to read your writing... I am gaining alot of useful information to deal with my own drama.. yes at this time in my life it is just considered drama to me.. But you writing this is just so informative but so much shall I say the best Novel IV read in awhile.. wow you should write a book Sir, if most self/help on infedelity was as interesting and well writen as yours, well maybe people like myself wouldnt be surfing the net trying to find some kind of metal, emotional self help recovery system.. Ok I got to get back to reading... I just wanted to say that this is very good.. I wish I could write as well as you because my story would be a expressive one. but I am not a great writer.. you have managed to express your story and keep me coming back to read more.. And you was so strong through it.. it gives me courage that I may be that strong one day... Thank you for writing this....

 

[I Know]

Thanks for posting AR. Your story is BRUTAL. I'm 25 yr happily married so I don't need your blueprint for dealing w/ cheating. But who ever really thinks they would need something like this?

 

[lordmayhem]

Thanks for posting AR. Your story is BRUTAL. I'm 25 yr happily married so I don't need your blueprint for dealing w/ cheating. But who ever really thinks they would need something like this?

Nobody. And not me, that's for sure. Here I thought after a long military career of shift work, many deployments, constant moving around and 21 years, that I thought we were home free and safe and could cruise into our mid life and golden years. Now that its happened to me, I've learned:

• It does not matter how long you've been married. It could be less than a year to a 40 year marriage. Your spouse can cheat at ANY point in the marriage. There is no safe period.
• It does not matter how many children you have or how old they are. Your spouse can cheat on you during pregnancy, or when the children are young, or in their teens, or grown up. It doesn't matter if you have disabled children or not either. It doesn't matter if you have no kids or 8 kids. They can and will cheat.
• It doesn't matter their level of education
• It doesn't matter at what age you marry.
• It doesn't matter if you were their first, or if they had many partners before you
• It doesn't matter if they have enabling, toxic friends or not. But it is more likely if the do.
• It doesn't matter if they come from a dysfunctional family or normal family
• It doesn't matter if they're skinny or fat
• It doesn't matter if you have a good marriage or a bad marriage
• It doesn't matter if you had good communication or poor communication with each other.
• It doesn't matter if you've been a good husband/wife

I've learned that ANY marriage is vulnerable if the other spouse compromises their boundaries or is looking to cheat. It's a MYTH that cheating only occurs in bad marriages or if someone's needs are not being fulfilled.

 

[morituri]

Nobody. And not me, that's for sure. Here I thought after a long military career of shift work, many deployments, constant moving around and 21 years, that I thought we were home free and safe and could cruise into our mid life and golden years. Now that its happened to me, I've learned:

• It does not matter how long you've been married. It could be less than a year to a 40 year marriage. Your spouse can cheat at ANY point in the marriage. There is no safe period.
• It does not matter how many children you have or how old they are. Your spouse can cheat on you during pregnancy, or when the children are young, or in their teens, or grown up. It doesn't matter if you have disabled children or not either. It doesn't matter if you have no kids or 8 kids. They can and will cheat.
• It doesn't matter their level of education
• It doesn't matter at what age you marry.
• It doesn't matter if you were their first, or if they had many partners before you
• It doesn't matter if they have enabling, toxic friends or not. But it is more likely if the do.
• It doesn't matter if they come from a dysfunctional family or normal family
• It doesn't matter if they're skinny or fat
• It doesn't matter if you have a good marriage or a bad marriage
• It doesn't matter if you had good communication or poor communication with each other.
• It doesn't matter if you've been a good husband/wife

I've learned that ANY marriage is vulnerable if the other spouse compromises their boundaries or is looking to cheat. It's a MYTH that cheating only occurs in bad marriages or if someone's needs are not being fulfilled.

:iagree:

This should be must read for everybody coming to TAM

 

[Almostrecovered]

Thanks for posting AR. Your story is BRUTAL. I'm 25 yr happily married so I don't need your blueprint for dealing w/ cheating. But who ever really thinks they would need something like this?

as I stated before I wish I had the help back then because I would have liked to do some things differently, even with the experience of what my parents went through I felt lost and alone in many aspects.
I won't pretend to know the real stats of infidelity but they're high enough that everyone should know what to look for and how to approach it. I truly hope you never have to go through anything similar to what I or what any of us on CWI go through and if my story can help in any way it it makes me proud to have helped people.

 

[sigma1299]

:iagree:

This should be must read for everybody coming to TAM

No it should be a must read printed on the back of all marriage licenses. By the time they get here it's too late.

 

[FourtyPlus]

What a page turner and I feel bad because I caught myself wondering about the next chapter as if it were a well written fictional book when it was in fact a real story. Quit your day job and write! What a talent!
Besides that, I learned a lot while reading it and I'm going to read it again a few times. Thank you so much for sharing this!

 

[FourtyPlus]

No it should be a must read printed on the back of all marriage licenses. By the time they get here it's too late.

I was thinking about this the other day: what am I going to tell our daugther when she gets married one day? What can I do to prevent this from happening to her or the man she marries?

How many spouses would have thought twice had they known the full extend of the damage they were about to cause and all the consequences associated with it?

How many marriages could have been saved?