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Discussion Starter #161
even if you educate people you still can't stop infidelity

now that doesnt mean you should stop trying

I think a marital check up every so often is a good thing to do (like what I'm using my DDay anniversary for now). I would recommend that first and foremost. The ability to keep open and honest communication at the forefront will help keep complacency and resentment at arm's length.
 

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I've been wondering if I could turn what I did into a teachable experience for my kids or not. I think I can, but fortunately I have a while to figure it out as our oldest is 8.

Even if I can though everyone has to get their own scars and bruises in life. I'd love to help my kids avoid this particular set of experiences but you can't keep life from happening. I think all you can really do is use it to reiterate to them how it can happen to anyone under any set of circumstances and to always have and maintain good solid boundaries.
 

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I've been wondering if I could turn what I did into a teachable experience for my kids or not. I think I can, but fortunately I have a while to figure it out as our oldest is 8.

Even if I can though everyone has to get their own scars and bruises in life. I'd love to help my kids avoid this particular set of experiences but you can't keep life from happening. I think all you can really do is use it to reiterate to them how it can happen to anyone under any set of circumstances and to always have and maintain good solid boundaries.
I'm a strong believer that no matter how bad the experience there is always something to be learned. Our daugther was 11 at the time and she was RIGHT THERE. She has matured immensely through this, which I wish I could have spared her but I believe she came out taking something away from it that she otherwise wouldn't have:
She's 14 now and has had a boyfriend for almost 2 years. It's only a text message type of relationship. Some of her girlfriends told her she needed a "satellite boy friend" because she goes to a different school than her boyfriend. This upset her very much because she knows it leads to a lot of hurt. She knows this because that's what Mommy did and she doesn't want to go down that road. She hasn't been able to tell me "I don't want to be like you and cheat", but she knows that I know that's what she wanted to say and she knows that I understand.
 

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I think a marital check up every so often is a good thing to do (like what I'm using my DDay anniversary for now). I would recommend that first and foremost. .
Almost: What do you have in mind for this marital checkup?

I just got back from a few days at my inlaws. I did this to make wife happy. I hated every minute of it but did not let that show at all. I think the marriage is good.

But is it? How do YOU go about checking on your marriage health?
 

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Discussion Starter #165
Almost: What do you have in mind for this marital checkup?

I just got back from a few days at my inlaws. I did this to make wife happy. I hated every minute of it but did not let that show at all. I think the marriage is good.

But is it? How do YOU go about checking on your marriage health?
sorry for the late reply as I have been enjoying my Xmas time with family lately and haven't been on here much this week.


as to how I check on the marriage?

My wife and I are at a point where we can communicate about issues in a straight forward manner without throwing up defensive walls or casting blame. (well most of the time anyways, it's impossible to be perfect on this...) It also helps that we better understand how the other communicates. Thus, we put aside some time to address concerns, issues and go over the major points of a marriage and see if either one of us are happy. (sex, children, money, time, etc)
 

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sorry for the late reply as I have been enjoying my Xmas time with family lately and haven't been on here much this week.


as to how I check on the marriage?

My wife and I are at a point where we can communicate about issues in a straight forward manner without throwing up defensive walls or casting blame. (well most of the time anyways, it's impossible to be perfect on this...) It also helps that we better understand how the other communicates. Thus, we put aside some time to address concerns, issues and go over the major points of a marriage and see if either one of us are happy. (sex, children, money, time, etc)
No problem. it is good to relax a bit.

What you say makes sense on a theoretical level. What I find in my personal and professional life is that unless we make a specific commitment to timing and agenda, that these things that would in theory be great to do, just get pushed aside in the hubbubb of everyday life. So, I was not very clear w/ my question.

What I mean is...
How often do you have the checkup?
is it scheduled every day? Every week? or do you just kind of wing it?

And what is the agenda when you do these? Do you just ask each other about improvements to the marriage? Ask about what is on each others minds?

I like the idea of a checkup. I am just looking for ideas on how it might actually work in practice.

Your ability to overcome the challenges in your marriage is inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
 

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This thread made me cry. Not in a bad way either.
 

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I like your style I did similiar things but time will tell if it works out. I am so happy to read your story it has given me so many insights into my problem and some ideas to try. Thankyou
 

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Amazing story, my biggest fear was her emotional attachment with the OM so I'm glad you both worked through it. Though one thing I never understood with many betrayed spouses is the proceeding arousal they get picturing their wives with other men. I get a COMPLETELY different reaction.
 

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Discussion Starter #173
Amazing story, my biggest fear was her emotional attachment with the OM so I'm glad you both worked through it. Though one thing I never understood with many betrayed spouses is the proceeding arousal they get picturing their wives with other men. I get a COMPLETELY different reaction.
damned if I know but the desire has passed (and apparently I am not the only one based on some PM's)
 

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it faded thankfully, we both look back at that period and say to ourselves, wtf were we thinking?

it didnt go any further than meeting other couples- I think it made us realize it was a bad idea (so many couples trying to throw on a swinging band aid)
 

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Almostrecovered, thanks for sharing your story. It makes me glad that some of these tragedies do have a happy ending. I keep thinking how much I wish my husband felt sorry for what he did.... It's his birthday today (we're a week apart) and he's most likely out with OW. I'm glad that people like your wife see the err of their ways and do not sacrifice a family for their own selfish reasons. Congratulations on your effort, it obviously paid off:)
 

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Discussion Starter #180
Thanks honey

after watching The Descendants together yesterday I was able to watch my wife's facial expressions on certain events, you could actually see her wincing at the trickle truth and gaslighting and other such common things that waywards do. It was comforting knowing she understands completely how fvcked up she once was and how wrong it was and how she has changed since then.
 
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