We kept our original bands and I wouldn't say we started over but we restarted. We both used the crisis wrought on your marriage by my EA as an impetus to really work on our marriage - both of us were missing the connection and intimacy that two kids, 13 years of marriage (21 together), and life can bury. Neither of us realized we missed it but once we did it was like a breath full of air to someone drowning. This all happened before our first wedding anniversary post D day, when our anniversary came around we focused on what we almost lost. That was what was right for us - it may different for you. I would say as long as you are communicating just do whatever feels right. If that's doing nothing, mourning the death of your old marriage, celebrating the birth of a new chapter of your marriage or a combination of all of the above that's fine - there is no right or wrong.

 

I thought the other day that IF we stay in this R until our 22 anniversary in November and things are good then I am going to surprise him with new bands.

For us we were fresh out of high school and in comparison to all my friends and family I have a TINY diamond. At the time it was what he could afford. This is always mentally bothered him. At our 10 year anniversary he bought me a huge ring and I threw a FIT saying it was the meaning not the size. At 15 years he tried again and I wear it on the opposite hand. At 20 he tried again!!! It makes me sad bc I can no longer feel the original emotions to my ring, but at the same time I think it will make me happy to know we survived crisis and made it through and will (hopefully) have a new marriage and be new people.

So I bet each scenario is different, but rings in a marriage are symbolic and if you have a new marriage then YES why not have new rings to remind you both of your new love for each other? Go for it!

 

I am not so much into material things, but one thing that bothers me about the rings - I had asked him if he wore his ring or took it off while he was with her - he said that he took it off and kept it in his car. I assumed as much, but just thinking about that now as I type it is hurtful. Your wedding band should never be removed. When he confessed in March that he had been talking to her again, I took my rings off that night. The next morning, I told him that he can either put my rings back on my finger and be forever faithful and honest, or not and walk away. He put them back on. I know it is more of a mind over matter thing about the rings - should matter that we have worked through this. Othertimes I think - hey, this is my marriage, that I fought for, sacrificed for - I won't give up something that symbolizes that. But that is on the rings. Celebrating an anniversary - we are taking a cruise in July that we could call our anniversary present to each other - to celebrate, but it is more of a much needed chunk of time alone to deal with reconnecting. Just one of the bad things about an affair is that you don't have the luxery with life, job, kids to just drop everything and sneak off together like what happened with the affair partner. Just as we get closer to June....an anniversary....our tarnished marriage...having a difficult time with it. For the most part I was doing good, but this is an internal trigger I guess. I was not going to hop back on this message board as long as things were going well, but I think I need some help with this one. It is not about where we are now - we are doing good, he says he is happy minus his internal struggle with having to live with what he did to me and our family. I want us, but a celebration of marriage just seems awkward. Like Sigma said, I guess we need to make it more than just about another year added to our already 15 - make it mean something more. I just have that lost and numb feeling again that I am trying to shake off.

 

I've never asked if he took it off??? I don't think he would be that smart though ha But that WOULD hurt and I am sorry he did that. (I will have to ask my H if he ever did that or not?)

I think we are all different too...I'm not materialistic that is why I threw a fit. But I am sad now that I can't feel the same as I did about how much he loved me and bought what he could at the time-it was beyond special to me.

Shake it off...the lost and numb feeling...otherwise it begins to spiral into other areas and topics (speaking from experience over the last 2-3 weeks). Focus on the good things he is doing.

 

Never thought about WS taking them off either...new ones may be good in that situation. I do agree with Sigma; we just celebrated that we had found each other again and were truly in love. It was a good anniversary. It was a new start

 

Never thought about WS taking them off either... I do agree with Sigma. We just celebrated that we had found each other again and were truly in love. It was a good anniversary. It was a new start

I never did.

 

"A circle, having no beginning or end, represents infinity, eternity, wholeness."

I turned the tables and took mine off. When H noticed and asked about it I said they were in my jewelry box. When he asked why, I said they didn't mean anything anymore, so I wasn't going to wear them. Struck a nerve, so that was a point for the good guys!

Eventually (when he dumbed the b*tch) I put them back on. Last fall I smashed my finger and had to go to the ER and get them cut off. My engagement ring was marred pretty badly, but still in tact. But my wedding band was cut in half - the circle broken - found the whole process rather ironic ... and maybe symbolic in itself.

To date I haven't had the rings fixed - and I'm in no hurry to bother with them. They just don't mean what they once did - so I do understand why new rings for a new beginning might be important to some of you.

For the moment, I'm content to wear none.

 

Im sure my H wore his everyday of his EA. The whole year. In fact we bought him a new one DURING(before I knew) his A. Nervy, huh? So when I realized that he was actually having a EA WHEN we bought the new ring-I asked him to take it off. Thats the day I took my ring off, when it hit me that he was cheating WHEN we got his new ring. I just felt like clearly they mean nothing to him. I Said " I dont care if you wear the old one or none at all but take THAT ONE off since you were cheating on me when we got it." So the day we spent looking for it(having fun I thought)and the day we went and picked it up(he seemed to really like it and to be excited by getting it)-And for MONTHS BEFORE AND AFTER-he was having an Affair. He took off the new one and put the original one back on. I didnt wear one for 3 months.

He now wears his original ring. I put mine back on a week or so ago. The 'new' one is in a box in our bedroom. Irks the hell out of me but what can ya do, right?

And our anniversary is in early June. I dont know what-if anything we will do to celebrate.I hope he will understand if Im not sure 'celebration' is quite in order yet. I think it could be a rough one for me since I KNOW what he was doing last year on that day....

To your question- 'are you starting over?' I would say you cant really start over So I think the best way for me to describe it is we are just trying to reconnect in a new and more honest way. I feel like I know him better now than ever. The good and the bad. So Im hoping to build on that.

Good luck and I hope you find a way to make your anniversary what YOU need it to be.

 

Hey Looking! Good to hear from u. I am glad things are still on the R for you. Glad it 'worked out' so to speak. I hope you are ok. I guess it is still very raw though, it sounds it. You are very early into it though, and it will get better! If yours is anything like mine, our anniversary of meeting each other was nice (not marriage though so it doesn't have anywhere near the same meaning) and was about the same time frame. DD for me was May, anniversary Oct. I think we fell out that night though. What I found much worse was the anniversary of their last 'meet' which was July. That was awful. And now this month I have just gone past the anniversary of DD. This last few weeks have been much much better. I feel finally that I am gaining some trust back. Only a little though. And the thoughts don't consume me as they did. I never thought I would get to this point. I thought there was no way back and the time would come where that would be obvious and we would have to part. I thought I had got to that point not long ago, but now I am here. So...it does get better. It does fade...as long as you can see that things are different and can have some degree of confidence they won't return to that point again.

As for your question, I can't really say anything about that. Get through the anniversary and see how you feel. See how you feel this time next year. If the rings still upset you....time to refresh all that is not right and start anew!

I wish you all the very best. And I am glad to hear your update. Xxx

 

Don't know about the rest of you, but we were married in the Catholic church. "Take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity" ... maybe he substituted "infidelity" and I missed it.

Point being, those words meant nothing to him - so the rings mean nothing to me anymore. They're a reminder of hopes and dreams that have been destroyed, and promises broken.

For your (cantrustu) H to agree to buy a new ring while he was cheating is beyond belief - I don't blame you for keeping it in a box. I'm sure, for you, that the ring is now forever tarnished.

I sometimes wonder if men really get the ring thing because my H hasn't said a word about me getting mine fixed - and he doesn't wear his - says they're in his golf bag and he keeps forgetting to take them out (for a year or more?).

I'm encouraged by the fact that you're cautiously moving forward and I agree that there's no "starting over" - that implies something new - and we're all permanently scarred by the old baggage we carry.

I admire your strength and wish you the best.

 

When I found out my wife was cheating on me, I asked about the rings. She said before she would go into the hotel for sex she would ditch her rings in the car. I asked what did that do for you. It made her feel free of me and her real life.

Sick...

The rings we were married in are worthless to me. I took them back from her as soon as I found out. That marriage is over. Last I remember, my grown son has them. I told him he could sell them or use the diamonds for another ring. I don't really think he wants any part of them other than the cash they would bring.

 

Sick ... agreed - but who knows what goes through the cheater's mind - it's foreign to me. I would think your son would just sell them for the cash - in my mind they're tarnished gems, and while I'm not supersticious there's a negative association that I'd want to be rid of.

Hopefully you're moving on and finding happiness.

 

The night I found out about my husband's affair, I took off my rings and put them in the ring box. After 2 1/2 years, my rings are still there. To me, it would be too painful to put them back on because what they represented is forever gone. There have been times when I have actually offered to pawn them so he could pay some sort of bill and he always declines the offers. As far as celebrating anniversaries (we have had two since DD day), I just try to get through them without saying too much about it. We just celebrated our 25th last year and went out to dinner. I never once acknowledged what day it was. By his actions and how he treats me, I truly believe that what he did was the biggest mistake of his life and that he truly regrets it. I honestly believe it when I was told that walking away from my marriage would be easier than reconciliating. I have learned to take it one day at a time; one step at a time. I keep a piece of paper with these words on it in my wallet: "A heart is like glass, dropped once, broken forever, and even if the pieces are finally put back together, it will never be the same." Best of luck to those who are trying to reconcile!!!

 

My husband insisted we go on a trip to Aruba for our 30th anniversary six months after his betrayal. He had made reservations for a candlelit dinner on the beach and it was a very nice dinner, but I was resentful and felt like "this is really nice, but why are we celebrating"? I had a lot of problems on that trip, let me tell you.

I have taken off my wedding rings, and now just wear a simple opal on that finger. It has been over a year, but I don't think I will ever wear it again. He's asked me about it and I have just said I don't feel comfortable wearing it. Other people ask me why I'm not wearing the rings, and I just say they are too tight. They look at me questioningly, but my husband doesn't want anyone to know about our problems or his straying, so I don't tell them the real reason.

We are trying to reconcile, or I should say I am trying to forgive, but anniversaries will never have the meaning they did before. For me, it's more going through the motions. For him, he's so happy he hasn't lost everything and just keeps low key and doesn't talk about anything. He acts as if the fact that the topic isn't brought up, everything is ok.

I hope I can feel better about things in the future, but I haven't really so far.

 

Good Luck. I don't blame you for your feelings...30 years? wow!!! that is so cool too. One thing I focus on (which is stupid because it's just a number) is the years. I grew up in a home where my mom and dad divorced when I was 6 mo old and I recall thinking as a kid/teenager/young adult that I will NEVER divorce and will be married forever and ever! ha We are 21 years and in R but I think "do I count now all those previous years-are we back to 1?" Again it's just a number but for ME it's a sub-conscience thing too...

I hope your future is better too....

 

Sure is a tough one! We are taking a much needed trip/cruise in July - not on our anniversary, so probably better that way - that way I do not have to associate it with any triggers. It's tough, because if you don't celebrate it, you are caught in the memory of the affair and have to face the hard reality that things turned to crap for awhile. If you do celebrate it, you are acknowledging that yes, you are still married, but how do you not think about the affair and how you almost were not there and that you cannot celebrate it with the same good feelings (or in my case, I always celebrated anniversaries with good feelings, not knowing that hubby had cheated in past another time that I did not know about). So this anniversary....all is in the open....only true feelings should show, so maybe I need to find some peace in that. As for the rings, I am wearing them, he is wearing his. We talked about possibly getting new ones at some point, I don't know. For me, they still hold meaning for me - that I made a promise, that I have integrity, that I will not stray. It pains me to think that he took his off - so stupid, like she did not know that he was married, and as a courtesy to her or like it was supposed to temporarily swipe his brain of the fact that he was married. I try not to think about it because it is done and over with and everything he did for 6 months was stupid, ignorant, selfish and wrong....is any one thing worse than another? I try to group it as one big f*&^up. If we do decide down the road to get new rings, then I will have one to give to each of my daughters down the road. The new ring - maybe will represent a new clean start, but will always be a reminder of the fact that we had to start over. Then sometimes I think that I would not even want to bother with a new ring, because that would be giving in to what I have fought so hard for, for what I spent so many years on. Our marriage did not end, but it almost did, and I didn't let someone elses error derail that. I will be the captain of my own ship....just gave myself a pep talk....on to better days! Reamins - glad to see you here too! Stay strong! Thanks to you all...so sorry that you are going through this too. One day at a time and we will all make it!

 

Ummm I have read these threads with much interest. My H told me he took his wedding ring off 'out of respect' for his lover!! I know ! unbelievable, !!!at the time I thought what about my respect, but i have come to understand the 'Affair Fog' . It is Sooo powerful .... that all respect, love and commitment to your partner goes out the window. I took my band off when I first found out, and only put it back on when he kissed it and promised he would never be unfaithful again ...lies!! he carried on the A. WE 'Celebrate' 40years together next month ...2 months after DDay...he wants to renew our vows, I am feeling very emotional about the day and not sure I will be able to handle it without breaking down..

 

Anniversaries after an affair are difficult. The first anniversary of DDay was hard for me, too. Now I don't even remember the date of DDay. I know what month, but not the date.

Oddly, the hardest part of our first wedding anniversary after Dday was finding a card that was appropriate. We were trying to recover but still had a long way to go. All the cards had mushy stuff about all the years of love, honor, and trust. I just couldn't give him something like that. I didn't feel that we were nowhere, but we weren't steadfast after years of love, honor, and trust. I finally got a blank card and wrote a simple "happy anniversary" inside it.

Now after 5 years since D day, our anniversary is a day to celebrate what we've regained. The years before matter very much. Our marriage is a patchwork of many events, emotions, laughter, and tears. I believe that nothing in our life should be wasted - so even the bad times can turn into something useful.

Getting over his affair was the biggest struggle of my life. Now that we have recovered getting over it was one of the biggest triumphs in my life. Anniversaries now actually mean more to me (and to him) than they did before the affair. The first one after the affair was sheer hell. I still remember the details of it, but I don't feel bitter and angry about it. It just was what it was. We're here now and I'm very happy about that.

 

Socodi - wow. The part about "out of respect" for the OW is something else. The fog is powerful, no doubt.

I don't think I would have been able to renew vows only 2 months after D day. In fact, I know I wouldn't. That seems like a desperate ploy on his part.

 

A very honest answer LeighRichood, and has gone some way to helping me with my upcoming anniversary in June . We will be abroad and my H has arranged a special afternoon celebration on the beach with some close family and friends, all of which is lovely, but I am still hurting so much inside, and like you say, I know we will get the usual responses of having been married for so long, and all the mushy stuff that goes with it. My sister knows about the A and she will be there with us, so it all seems a bit hypocritcal to be 'celebrating' anything. Like you, I have got a blank card and will hopefully find something appropriate to write in it! Also, My H is very reluctant for me to be on this site, as he feels some posts will 'brainwash' me .i.e. 'It takes between 2 and 5 years to recover from an affair' , he said I will now expect to take that long to recover. I know everyone is different , and every affair is different, but I am beginning to realise that the responses are very similar!

 

Your right , we have deferred The Vows for now, Im just concentrating on getting through the anniversary.
It does not help when we have received a letter from AP this morning telling him how much they really do belong together and he should take a leap of faith and do the right thing, and be with her. What they had was more than an affair and that they belong together after all they have shared . Feel like I have been slapped in the face all over again ... the A business is a very painful one !!

 

Hi Socodi. Wow. So AP is sending letters in the mail? Is there a NC letter? Did he open and read it or did he give it to you? What was his response?

 

My H had not wore his ring for years.. (has a kidney disorder) that makes him hold water,, so sometimes it fits,sometimes it could easily slip off..

I think that is slightly true, but I think it was to not feel guilty talking to the other women as well...

Yet since I started separation 2 months ago, amazingly he has started wearing his band ALL the time... said that it was time he started acting like my husband!!!

 

Socodi - you can't expect to be able to deal with everything after the affair like you did before it, especially your wedding anniversary. If he can't understand that, then okay. You can't change that. All you can do is communicate the best way you can and work on yourself to heal.

In my case, my husband didn't want to talk about much. His actions were the main way he helped us recover. He also didn't disapprove of anything I did for myself to get over it. I explained that anything I did wasn't to make him look bad or feel bad it was to figure out how I was going to move forward - how we were going to move forward. He accepted that with no argument.

I think every situation is different as to how long it takes to recover. People, circumstances, and details of the affair are different in every case.

As for the letter from the OW - what is your H going to do about that? It's not unusual for this to happen.

 

I think the important part here is 'whatever it takes YOU to recover' If its TAM then he should be supportive. If its running a marathon, if its questioning him over and over, no matter what it is he should be supportive AND appreciative for the opportunity you are giving him. R is a choice and a difficult one, a painful one at times. It will take as long as it takes. Hopefully not the 2-5yrs. BUT if it does, its part of the heavy lifting that is required of him if he truly is remorseful.

 

I cut my ring with a dremel. I feel it precisely symbolizes the new state of our marriage and always will. I realize I didn't break my vow and some would say that my ring symbolizes my promise to her but the ring I wear is the one she put on my finger as she stated her vows in two different ceremonies before God. While we're working to fix our marriage, like the ring, the scar will forever be there and will never be the same again, even if I attempt to weld or fill the gap. I have no intention of getting a new ring and will wear this one until either my marriage completely fails or I am on my death bed. To me, it symbolizes both the irreparable damage she inflicted on our marriage and family as well as the fact that one more cut will prevent me from being able to wear the ring further, as both halves will fall to the ground and will literally represent what my marriage will be if she chooses to sate her sexual appetite in another's arms once again. I don't feel this is unjust and many would say this is an impediment to our healing but I disagree. Why lie and beat around the bush? The scar truly will always be there. I hope that one day we will be a union again but my scar I'll never be able to hide.