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We have zero sex. After 18 years of marriage and 20 years together, we have 2 beautiful teen girls. But we don’t have sex. There is always an excuse. The girls, not interested, video game will take 2 hours, he says I’m fat, it’s too cold, not a good time, it’s not our anniversary. I get the cold shoulder every day. He looks at me in disgust. He loves his daughters and very sweet with them. I’m just washed up at age 49 and menopausal. We have sex on our anniversary. That’s it. This is not the relationship that I wanted. My ex was horrible but at least we had sex. My kids don’t want to hear anything about this. My mom hates my gay daughter. It feels bad. I feel terrible. And we sleep in the same bed. We go to sleep at different times. I don’t know if the cat is the problem. I wish he would talk. He says nothing. We go to hotel on our anniversary and have obligatory sex.
 

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We have zero sex… There is always an excuse… he says I’m fat… I get the cold shoulder every day. He looks at me in disgust.
I would ask him if he’d want to have sex if you lost the weight. If that’s the problem, then I would lose the weight.

A large amount of weight not only looks unattractive but it can make positions difficult.
 

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I would ask him if he’d want to have sex if you lost the weight. If that’s the problem, then I would lose the weight.

A large amount of weight not only looks unattractive but it can make positions difficult.
And avoidant people avoid. And blame all kinds of things as well. So sure it could be the weight but that could also be and easy thing to blame so he doesn't have to admit to other things like an emotional affair with a gaming partner or a physical affair somewhere else. Or ED or any number of things.

Open communication is good.

So how is the rest of the marriage? It doesn't sound like you actually connect all that much outside of sex either.

I'd try to lose the weight and then if things don't improve you'll have to decide if you want to live like this. There are plenty of guys your age that want to have sex. They may not meet your other criteria though. So we are back to how's the rest of the marriage?
 

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If you’ve put on 50-100lbs, then the weight may be one of a multitude of other factors.

if you’ve put on 20-30 over the last 20 years, he hasn’t even noticed and he is just using your weight as a means to be cruel to you and to blame you.

He has no respect or even common human compassion for you and just has you around as a spouse appliance.

i have no sympathy or regard for people that intentionally neglect and reject their partners.

if he he calls you names and rejects and hides you away in a hotel once a year for duty sex, IMHO this is a dead relationship and one that costs you more anguish and frustration than if you were to be on your own.

my $.02 is do whatever you want. Eat ice cream and fill the house with cats and do your own thing if you want.

Divorce and move on with your own life in you want.

Or pick up some dude in a bar as a weekly FWB for all a I care. A stranger in a bar or on Tinder or Sven From Yoga at the community morning yoga class will give you more attention and consideration than your own husband cares to so do whatever you want.
 

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I would ask him if he’d want to have sex if you lost the weight. If that’s the problem, then I would lose the weight.

A large amount of weight not only looks unattractive but it can make positions difficult.
this is all in the details.

if she has put on 100+ lbs over the years and he has made a compassionate and concerned attempts to address her weight and the impact it has had on her vitality and his attraction to her and she has dismissed him and continued sit on the couch packing away bags of Oreo Double Stuffs, then yeah, her weight is an issue.

but if she is 20-30lbs overweight like 87.5% of the menopausal women out there, then he likely hasn’t really even noticed the weight and is just a dud and an ass.
 

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No, your daughters definitely don’t need to hear that your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you. That would be very inappropriate and hopefully neither of you have discussed that with them. It could be your weight that’s a problem for him or he may have simply lost interest in general and it doesn’t matter whether you’re overweight or not. He’s the only one who knows what he’s thinking. If he won’t talk to you about it and won’t do anything to address the problem then your choices are stay or go. Few are willing to end a marriage over sex but it happens. Only you know if you’re one of them.
 

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We have zero sex. After 18 years of marriage and 20 years together, we have 2 beautiful teen girls. But we don’t have sex. There is always an excuse. The girls, not interested, video game will take 2 hours, he says I’m fat, it’s too cold, not a good time, it’s not our anniversary. I get the cold shoulder every day. He looks at me in disgust. He loves his daughters and very sweet with them. I’m just washed up at age 49 and menopausal. We have sex on our anniversary. That’s it. This is not the relationship that I wanted. My ex was horrible but at least we had sex. My kids don’t want to hear anything about this. My mom hates my gay daughter. It feels bad. I feel terrible. And we sleep in the same bed. We go to sleep at different times. I don’t know if the cat is the problem. I wish he would talk. He says nothing. We go to hotel on our anniversary and have obligatory sex.
The part about hotel sex on anniversary out of obligation — well, that is surprising. We are close to zero sex here, or zero for many months at a time. Any mutual celebration of our anniversary died with our sex life, best I can remember.

Why would you go to a hotel? What do you talk about there, and what do you discuss about the sex?

Why do you mention the cat? How could it be the problem?

What have you tried to discuss, and what has been said?
 

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1. Let’s get the elephant out the room first ….. How fat are we talking about ? I doubt you have been that way the last 20 years.

2. This has been going on for a very long time so it would seem he has always been like this?

3. Any red flags for possible cheating?

4. Were y’all having sex before you got married?

5. Why have you put up with this for so long ?
 

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We have zero sex. After 18 years of marriage and 20 years together, we have 2 beautiful teen girls. But we don’t have sex. There is always an excuse. The girls, not interested, video game will take 2 hours, he says I’m fat, it’s too cold, not a good time, it’s not our anniversary. I get the cold shoulder every day. He looks at me in disgust. He loves his daughters and very sweet with them. I’m just washed up at age 49 and menopausal. We have sex on our anniversary. That’s it. This is not the relationship that I wanted. My ex was horrible but at least we had sex. My kids don’t want to hear anything about this. My mom hates my gay daughter. It feels bad. I feel terrible. And we sleep in the same bed. We go to sleep at different times. I don’t know if the cat is the problem. I wish he would talk. He says nothing. We go to hotel on our anniversary and have obligatory sex.

He's cold, distant, looks at you like you disgust him, insults you, doesn't want sex with you unless it's your anniversary, in which it feels obligatory.


It's best to divorce.


You two are incompatible.


You aren't what he wants and who.

Sounds like you both settled for each other.


He may just not be much into sex anymore..

Not everyone's sex drive remains the same. ..

Forever.


He just doesn't seem interested in you. Sexually or otherwise.


Perhaps there are other women also.

Stop using your daughters as outlets. If you need to talk about your problems and issues, there's therapist..make some friends if you don't have any.

Your daughters don't need to hear anything about your sex life.


If you leave, make sure to get into therapy asap to help you love yourself more and address any issues.


You shouldn't be referring to yourself or feeling like you're "washed up"..at any age



You have very low to non existent self esteem, and self respect.


Leave.
You've stayed entirety too long.
Probably never should have married.


There are others in the world who will treat you right and genuinely adore you.

Stop trying to force this relationship.

You two are incompatible.

Don't lose weight for no one but yourself...if you're unhappy with your body.

If you lost weight, he still wouldn't be interested.

Also stop giving your body and yourself to people who treat you badly.

Don't cheat. Just leave.


Divorce or continue to live in unhappiness and misery.
 

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I would agree t to not burden your children with your marital woes currently. That’s not their job to try to counsel or assist their parents in playing nice with each other.

However I’d you do make the decision to leave, I think it is important to be clear on exactly why you are dissolving the marriage.

This is important for a couple reasons. One is that it shows that people have needs and your partner is not lifting a finger to meet those needs and is treating you badly, you get out of Dodge.

the other reason is that is shows there’s are ramifications to being an asshole and treating your partner badly. It shows if you mistreat and disregard your partner’s needs, they will leave you sitting along the side of the road.

So it’s not your children’s burden to deal with their parent’s current marital issues. But it is important for them to understand that people have the right to leave when mistreated and that there are consequences for mistreating one’s partner.
 

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Do you find that living with this man is like living under his rules but you have not been informed f the rules. However, if you upset him, and you may not know that you have upset him, that you will pay the price for it and be ignored for days?
 
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