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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If you had the opportunity to tell all of us TAMers that are getting ready to file, just one piece of advice regarding divorcing, what would it be?
 

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Try to have everything worked out BEFORE you go to court. If you don't prepare ahead of time the court process will get drug out weeks, if not months at a time.
 

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And do your homework... Make certain you understand the laws and the rules, how each step of the process works, and what your choices and options are at each step.


Pb.
 

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Remember you pay your attorney by the hour. They are not there to console you. Don't waste their time (or your money) by crying or complaining (not saying you would). Always have an agenda or a list of things you need to ask. Be succinct. Time is money.

If it doesn't feel right/you feel it isn't fair or you feel taken advantage of, don't settle for it. However, if it costs more to fight for than to give it up, know when to choose your battles.

I hear too many stories of people who just want out and give away the farm only to later regret being hasty.

Document everything. Everything. Take photos of the condition of the house, take photos of vehicles. List assets with account #s and itemize household stuff. I made a spreadsheet - simple list of household stuff by room and put our names by each item. Made moving simple as we'd already agreed on what I packed/took.
 

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If you had the opportunity to tell all of us TAMers that are getting ready to file, just one piece of advice regarding divorcing, what would it be?
Boy! You're going to get a very wide range of repsonses to that question! Some people went through very nasty and drawn out divorces while others breezed through it quickly and amicably. So their advice will be accordingly.

I agree mostly with the other replies. Keep things moving and don't let it sit and fester. And know which battles are worth fighting and which are just best to give in so you can get it done. My stbx just asked me yesterday if I was going to pay for her lawyer because "she can't" (won't get a job). My first reaction was of course, hell no. But then I realized I probably will just pay it. It's worth it to me to move things forward instead of saying no and waiting weeks for her to borrow the money from her parents or get a judge to order me to pay it.

I know someone that fought her ex over sky-miles on their frequent flyer card. Crazy. Certainly not worth it.
 

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And know which battles are worth fighting and which are just best to give in so you can get it done. My stbx just asked me yesterday if I was going to pay for her lawyer because "she can't" (won't get a job). My first reaction was of course, hell no. But then I realized I probably will just pay it. It's worth it to me to move things forward instead of saying no and waiting weeks for her to borrow the money from her parents or get a judge to order me to pay it.
This is good advice - my ex asked me to lend him money to pay a lawyer to notarise something. If I hadn't it would have held up the transfer of the house to me and also the divorce. I did it (although took it off the final payment I made to him). He got more money than he was entitled to, but it would have gone to a lawyer anyway and now I know that whatever f*ck up he makes of his life I will know he did very well out of me and can have a clear conscience
 

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I would say look at your situation realistically and try and put aside your feelings of anger and your need for revenge. Divorce should be a legal act, not an emotional one.

If you can, try and work things out as amicably as possible. Keep it as simple as possible too. If you don't have any assets and there isn't much money involved then it's not going to do any good battling over mere scraps and demanding the world of the other party just to get back at them for any perceived wrongs or injustices.

The judge isn't your marriage counselor or your therapist. To be honest, the judge doesn't really care about your problems at all. The court is just going by a set of guidelines that will facilitate the legal process of ending your marriage. Nothing more, nothing less.

Plus, if you have children, you need to keep in mind that your STBX isn't going away. You will be seeing and dealing with that person for perhaps the rest of your life. Don't burn your bridges now. Don't stage a bloody battle that will poison things for the duration of the time you will interact with your ex. Act as civilly and be as cordial as you can because it will pay off later.

In other words, think with your head and not with your heart. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. All these analogies apply more than ever.

And BE PATIENT. Even the quickest divorces take months rather than days.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I love all of this advice so far. I think that most people are terrified when they get to this point and to have advjce is awesome. I am going to the lawyer on Wednesday. I'm ready, or as ready as I'll ever be.
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No matter what DO NOT FIGHT IN COURT! You can agree to whatever nonsense they say like "we'll still be friends, right?" just to keep the peace, but under no circumstances should you argue back over anything without your lawyer. My ex wife held my hands in a deathgrip as I pulled away and would not let me go until I agreed with her. Very manipulative and abuse, and it took everything I had in me not to fight back but I did it.

Don't argue with stupid people, let them feel they've won and you can go live your life happier without them!
 

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Get the best attorney you can afford and do NOT let your spouse try to talk you into using one attorney for their benefit.
Make sure you are clear on what is non-negotiable like the retirement accounts etc.
Make time to alleviate stress and talk to friends and family who are supportive because you will go crazy if you don't.
 

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I had a non legal, amicable divorce so nothing to add from this POV, the others have some great words.

What I would say though is to have a good support network around you for the times when you fall in a heap. I was fortunate enough to have a fantastic set of friends, family and neighbours around me. Even so it was a very traumatic experience and the support I had was invaluable.
Ask for help when you need it but don't be afraid to say at times if you just need to be alone.
 

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Assume from the start that your divorce will be bitter, hostile, and aggressive. That way you can be pleasantly surprised if it isn't. You'll also be prepared in case it is.

You don't know which one you'll have until you're in it, trust me.
 

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Talk to multiple lawyers before you choose one. Some do a lot of divorces, but don't really take each case individually. Find someone who deals with cases like yours, whether that means co-parenting/custody, businesses that need to be divided, abuse history, etc. Not every divorce lawyer has the same sub-specialty.

Do as much footwork as you can. Research your state's divorce case law. State rules, statutes and decisions are available online. If possible, do your own photocopying, hand-deliver things if possible, etc. That will save quite a bit in fees with your attorney.

Go into negotiations well prepared. Look up values of items that will be divided before you go in to a meeting.

Make sure everything is above board. Dot your i's and cross your t's so nothing comes back to haunt you later on.
 
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Realize the ex may decided to play mind games. Do not enter into conversation with an unarmed man. Cool calm and collected. Also, doesn't hurt if your ex is stupid and doesn't understand what maintenance means and agees to pay for the lawyers fees. Lmao
 
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