[mattyjman]

**I’m not sure where this should be posted, so mods if you feel like it should be somewhere else, please move. **

Ok, weird question, but it’s been bothering me for some while now. Chances are pretty good that my wife and I will be filing soon for divorce, and the thought of me venturing out on my own has me pretty nervous, for a number of reasons. On a sexual level, I’m concerned about my experience and how it will be perceived on the “open market”.

My wife was my first long time relationship, we’ve been together for 7 years, and also my first sexual partner. I’m 29 now, and I haven’t had intimate relations with anyone else. Due to some issues (I’m not sure why really…) but my wife has never had the interest in cuming… she’s never orgasm, not due to my lack of effort however. When she lets me, I love to use my fingers or go down on her, but she just doesn’t like it (up until recently, she wouldn’t even let me go down as she thought it was gross). I know of a little trauma that she experienced when she was younger, however I think it’s much bigger than she let’s on.

Anyway, I just feel inadequate. Like for whatever reason, I’ve never been able to help her get there. And this damages my psyche. I feel like less of a man because of it.

Anyway, I guess more for the ladies, the question is, based on my history, how would you view someone like me as a potential suitor? Is my history something you see as a potential issue? Would you tend to want to be with someone with more experience? What are your thoughts?

 

[ScarletBegonias]

my exSO was totally inexperienced. I loved it. He was a sexual blank slate and it was fun showing him the ins and outs of great sex ..pun intended

i wouldn't stress.If you find a nice woman she won't care about your lack of experience and will work with you.

 

[hubbyfetish]

to share my two cents coming from a guy...I would not worry about it. There will be some women that love it and there might be others that it is not for them.

You just need to find the right person....just be willing to listen to her and what makes her satisfied. I am sure that is more important then if you were more experienced.

 

[Toffer]

Just tell em that you're still trainable!

 

[EnjoliWoman]

Hey, they really don't need to know. But it wouldn't matter. I would suggest when you do feel like becoming intimate, lots of foreplay and the next woman will be putty in your hands.

I think your STBXWs trauma is also bigger than she let on. I truly feel for women who can't O - I don't expect it always but I expect that I do have them with my partner most of the time!

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised - don't rush it, date around some, when you are with the right person and aroused, let it happen. The first big O your sexual partner has will alleviate all of that! Also, remember our orgasms are our own responsibility, too. We know what works for us and should share that with our lovers. I'm sorry your sex life wasn't all it could be.

 

[mattyjman]

i appreciate the responses... i guess how i equate this is like this:

if i was given a hj, and i had never come before, it's not like it wouldn't happen. whether i know about it or not, it's coming, as long as someone giving me the HJ knows how to do it.

I don't see how this is any different... shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not... or more importantly, doesn't know what to expect. i don't think she's mentally stopping it, cause she isn't really aware. this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?

 

[ScarletBegonias]

i had to teach myself how to orgasm before anyone else was able to give me one.

 

[northernlights]

"if i was given a hj, and i had never come before, it's not like it wouldn't happen. whether i know about it or not, it's coming, as long as someone giving me the HJ knows how to do it.

I don't see how this is any different... shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not... or more importantly, doesn't know what to expect. i don't think she's mentally stopping it, cause she isn't really aware. this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?"



No, it's different for women. Much more psychological.

I wouldn't worry that it's your technique, especially since you sound like you're willing to try different things to get her to O. Women tend to know what works for themselves and will guide you to what you need to do, anyway. We're used to making sure we get the right kind of stimulation, because our equipment is much more complicated! And while I've never been with a woman, I'm going to guess we're all different, and any skills you gained with your wife might not have worked on another woman anyway. All we really need is an attentive and willing partner.

 

[mattyjman]

well, attentive and willing i can be

wish i could just put this out of my mind then, but it still bothers me. it's like i'm on a conquest to achieve ultimate victory, and have failed thousands of times...

i know it sounds dumb, but you know... it's important to me

 

[EnjoliWoman]

i appreciate the responses... i guess how i equate this is like this:

if i was given a hj, and i had never come before, it's not like it wouldn't happen. whether i know about it or not, it's coming, as long as someone giving me the HJ knows how to do it.

I don't see how this is any different... shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not... or more importantly, doesn't know what to expect. i don't think she's mentally stopping it, cause she isn't really aware. this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?

No, you shouldn't. Orgasms are VERY mental for a woman. It is not just a physical reaction as it is for many men, although even men can have psychological blocks to orgasm.

So it is NOT your performance. She was abused, maybe more than she admits and has put up a mental roadblock to pleasure. Maybe she thinks she doesn't deserve it, thinks of it as a 'dirty' act because the abusive act wasn't one of love... she will continue to have these issues with ANY male without counseling.

So yes, she CAN mentally stop it - not intentionally but she can. And woman can on purpose, too. If I wanted to (tho why, I don't know) I could turn my attention to work, my to-do list... almost anything and "shut down" that part of my body from being responsive.

 

[mattyjman]

^
she's mentally stopped it a few times that I'm aware of... she's complained about needing to "pee" a few times, but i encouraged her to keep going, but i know she shut it down...

the last time, she just shut down completely, so i stopped at her bidding, and she started to tear up... said she didn't know why and wasn't unhappy or anything, just that "it's a lot of pressure" (not referring to me pressuring her, just what was happening - she was loving it... )... I think she's scared for some reason, and don't know why...

 

[chillymorn]

I think I'm a woman as I age my orgasms are mental ...if my wife dosn't seem into it then I rather masterbate. because I not going to orgasm anyway.

 

[mattyjman]

any other opinions from the gallery. or are the responses above going to be pretty typical?

anyone feel opposite from the others here? why?

 

[827Aug]

Actually, I would welcome someone who is "inexperienced" after what I've been through. It would tell me you were a faithful and loyal spouse. There are many attributes I would hold in much higher regard than your experience level. This is one of those situations where heavy experience isn't a good thing--unless you are wanting to be popular on the hook up circuit.

 

[Holland]

You sounds like a real gem, a good find for some lucky woman. Try not to worry about your feelings of inexperience, it is your eagerness to be a giving lover that is far more important and you sound like you have that in abundance.

 

[Racer]

Ok, I’ll be a naysayer yet even have to disclaim it a bit because I’m somewhat in the same boat... Let’s face it. Like me, your sexual experience is what it is. So, the ‘good/bad’ aspects and emotional triggers have been defined by your soon-to-be-ex. Essentially, you have no baseline to judge yourself on whether you are good or not or even what is good sex or not when you get it. Hell, you might even think if a woman acts ‘enthusiastic’, you’re a sex god.... Or, you could also be screwed up in a way that you feel “off” if there isn’t some guilt and shame (since that’s how I learned sex was supposed to be).

What I’m basically saying is be a little self-conscious about it as far as accepting you aren’t experienced. Everyone drags some baggage into a relationship. Other people also have other damages too. We are a compilation of our own experiences and ideas. Since you lack it in this area, just go with the flow and don’t immediately make decisions about how you did or didn’t do. And lol... practice, practice until it feels just right...

 

[3Xnocharm]

Experience does NOT = GOOD! My first husband had plenty of experience but thought that every woman should work the same way and refused to adjust to what I enjoyed. Bleh! Who wants that??

 

[WyshIknew]

Virgin when I married, wife wasn't. I learnt very quickly and before long I was the adventurous one in the partnership.

 

[Thor]

shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not... or more importantly, doesn't know what to expect. i don't think she's mentally stopping it, cause she isn't really aware. this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?

If she were sexually abused as a child or sexually assaulted after puberty, no it shouldn't necessarily just happen. Abuse/assault affect a woman very strongly, more so than you or I as non-abused men would logically conclude. Think of Pavlov's dogs, where the bell gets associated in their brains with food and so the dog salivates. Your wife associates sex or nudity or perhaps the male body (or a song or a food etc etc) with something very unpleasant. Maybe it was physically violent, maybe it was emotionally traumatic. Maybe she was ridiculed or ostracized for it.

In any case, her brain is not wired that if this area of skin is stimulated it means a fun pleasant experience is happening. Your brain (and mine) is wired that when certain places are touched it is sexual, which means orgasm is going to happen. Don't assume she has any of these same kinds of thoughts or associations.

 

[arbitrator]

I wouldn't exactly fret about it yet, Matty! In time, you will find yourself a loving, most-deserving woman who will be absolutely crazy about you for all that you are!