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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
It seems the general concensus in the TAM community is that duty/chore sex isn't welcomed by many and some (such as myself) typically refuse it if it's offered.

I'm wondering if people feel the same way about BJ's/HJ's/different positions/etc. that are also essentially done out of 'duty', meaning they are done for the benefit of one spouse with no desire from the 'giving' spouse.

If you know your partner really isn't a big fan of giving you a BJ for example, but offers to give you one (without asking for anything in return), do you treat it the same way you would with duty sex and decline it, or do you treat this offer differently considering they are different sexual acts and a BJ is a one sided act (meaning in this example only the receiving person is getting anything out of it)?

For me personally, my fiancee has started to real amp up the frequency of BJ's (I've had more in the past 2 months than I've had in the past two years) but she has admitted some of those times it's been solely for me after the fact, and she didn't get anything out of it, nor went into it expecting to get anything out of it. On one hand, I'm happy, as upping the oral sex frequency was a big issue for me for a while. On the flip side though, I'm confused on how I feel about it, as it does feel sometimes (not all, about half of the time I guess) like a 'duty sex' thing from her.

No, I haven't asked her if that's how she feels yet. I likely will soon enough, this is just a question that's popped into my head, so I figured I'd look into what the TAM community feels on the subject.
 

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Since BJ's/HJ's were removed off of the menu shortly after marriage, I am all too happy to receive them again, even if they are looked at as a chore by either one of us. It is different with intercourse, not sure why, it just is. I think it is because with intercourse, she is also receiving pleasure from it. I think my wife is on the same page with me on this.
 

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I had a similar discussion with my wife last night. Part of being married to me is doing things for your spouse that should be part of a marriage. Sex should be very high on the marriage priority list. I would take duty sex over having no sex. Thankfully both of us do get into it during the action, so having duty sex does typically end up an enjoyable experience.

My wife is LD. I compare it to a situation where you have a homebody that doesn't feel like going out with friends on a Friday night. They go out with the group because their spouse wants to and end up having a nice time.

If I felt like I was constantly humping a dead fish I might feel differently. Sometimes requesting your spouse to take part in this "duty" will still often be enjoyable.
 

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Think it would bother me too after a while if I sensed she wasn't really into it.

Do you ever reciprocate, giving her oral without expecting the same in return?
 

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I think a lot of it for me depends on the "attitude". If it is obvious/apparent that it is out of duty, then I will typically try to refuse. If she is doing it because she knows I am pent up and need a release and she wants to help with that, then I am fine with it.
 

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I had a similar discussion with my wife last night. Part of being married to me is doing things for your spouse that should be part of a marriage. Sex should be very high on the marriage priority list. I would take duty sex over having no sex. Thankfully both of us do get into it during the action, so having duty sex does typically end up an enjoyable experience.

My wife is LD. I compare it to a situation where you have a homebody that doesn't feel like going out with friends on a Friday night. They go out with the group because their spouse wants to and end up having a nice time.

If I felt like I was constantly humping a dead fish I might feel differently. Sometimes requesting your spouse to take part in this "duty" will still often be enjoyable.
Good points. The past couple of weeks, my wife has admitted to having sex with me when not all that interested, only to find that once initiated, she enjoys the experience of climax and wonders how many other times she has missed out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Think it would bother me too after a while if I sensed she wasn't really into it.

Do you ever reciprocate, giving her oral without expecting the same in return?
She doesn't like oral at all. Stems from a childhood rape incident.

If she did like oral, I'd be down there eating like a hungry fat kid at a pie eating contest and asking for seconds...and thirds..and eighths...:D
 

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Good points. The past couple of weeks, my wife has admitted to having sex with me when not all that interested, only to find that once initiated, she enjoys the experience of climax and wonders how many other times she has missed out.
Sounds very similar to my wife. I have spent so much time trying to figure out how I can make sex a more enjoyable experience for my wife. Thinking that regular orgasms as a result of our intamacy would increase her libido. It hasn't been quite as dramatic of an increase as I would have liked it to be in regards to her initiating sex much more considering she has had more orgasms the last 4 months or so than she has had in our prior 8 years or so together.

We schedule sex for various reasons. It could make it seem like "duty" sex and for all intensive purposes it likely is, but it seems to be working for us.
 

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For me personally, my fiancee has started to real amp up the frequency of BJ's (I've had more in the past 2 months than I've had in the past two years) .. it does feel sometimes (not all, about half of the time I guess) like a 'duty sex' thing from her.
Main points

-She thinks of it as a chore

-She's not into it and half the time she does it, it's OBVIOUS she's not into it. I picture her jacking you off with one hand and reading a magazine with the other, occasionally glancing over to see if you're almost done.

-You're not even married yet!

Expect it all to end once you exchange rings.

Do NOT marry this woman.

You'll be in a sexless marriage, mark my words.
 

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Main points

-She thinks of it as a chore

-She's not into it and half the time she does it, it's OBVIOUS she's not into it. I picture her jacking you off with one hand and reading a magazine with the other, occasionally glancing over to see if you're almost done.

-You're not even married yet!

Expect it all to end once you exchange rings.

Do NOT marry this woman.

You'll be in a sexless marriage, mark my words.
Really kingsfan. I'm really worried about what will happen when you marry her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Really kingsfan. I'm really worried about what will happen when you marry her.
I'm not. I can not think of any aspect of our sex life that hasn't improved over the past three years, not to mention all the other facets of our ife together.

I didn't start the thread though to debate my future marital situation however, so I'd appreciate a focus more on the discussion at hand.
 

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My wife says that giving me pleasure is what gets her off. Maybe this is what works for her.
 
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I didn't start the thread though to debate my future marital situation however, so I'd appreciate a focus more on the discussion at hand.
You asked for thoughts about "duty/chore" Bjs, Hjs, etc.

Look right here, it's your very own quote:

On one hand, I'm happy, as upping the oral sex frequency was a big issue for me for a while. On the flip side though, I'm confused on how I feel about it, as it does feel sometimes (not all, about half of the time I guess) like a 'duty sex' thing from her.
I figured I'd look into what the TAM community feels on the subject.
More than one poster suggested that there are problems here that need to be addressed before you..um.. how can I say this without offending you further.. make major life decisions because there are some serious red flags here, which seems to be what you're asking.

I'll stay right on topic so as to not muddy the waters.

If a woman had the attitude that pleasuring me was a chore and it was obvious half the time she did it to me, then my thought is that I would not be with that woman anymore. Even if "all aspects of our sex life had recently improved" or however you put it.

I'd also be wondering why she suddenly amped up the frequency of the "chores". Are we going shopping for wedding rings anytime soon perhaps?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
You asked for thoughts about "duty/chore" Bjs, Hjs, etc.

Look right here, it's your very own quote:





More than one poster suggested that there are problems here that need to be addressed before you..um.. how can I say this without offending you further.. make major life decisions because there are some serious red flags here, which seems to be what you're asking.

I'll stay right on topic so as to not muddy the waters.

If a woman had the attitude that pleasuring me was a chore and it was obvious half the time she did it to me, then my thought is that I would not be with that woman anymore. Even if "all aspects of our sex life had recently improved" or however you put it.

I'd also be wondering why she suddenly amped up the frequency of the "chores". Are we going shopping for wedding rings anytime soon perhaps?
I know what I said. I did so to give an example of what I'm discussing, nothing further.

What I am discussing is how people, in general view 'duty' BJ's, etc. in comparision with their views on 'duty' sex. Nothing more. Outside of the example given, my thread was started in purely a discussion manner, not seeking to become clear on the intricacies of my future marriage.

As for why she amped it up, it stems from a discussion we had on the issue and my stating that we were getting into a rut sexually, to which she asked what it was that I was wanting to try/get more of. One of my suggestions was BJ's more frequently.

Essentially, she's fine with giving me them, just I want them more than she's in the mood for them, hence where the 'duty' BJ comes in. It's not a case of she hates them, or being guilted into them, rather she's not in the mood to give them as often as I'm in the mood to receive, similar to a HD/LD sexual relationship. Nothing more. It's not like every second Friday is a scheduled BJ and she sighs and trudges down to the bedroom to give me my due.

Now, let's get back to the focus of the thread.
 

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King,

I must apologize in advance but I remember your other threads (I think) and I know you've had your doubts about keeping this engament active and all I'll say is please be sure to invest the proper time in this to be sure all is right.

Nuff said!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
King,

I must apologize in advance but I remember your other threads (I think) and I know you've had your doubts about keeping this engament active and all I'll say is please be sure to invest the proper time in this to be sure all is right.

Nuff said!
I have had doubts before, certainly Toffer. Remember, as you put it, I was you many years ago!

Part of what brought me here was issues I had questions about after we had got engaged. However, I have applied a lot of what I have learned at TAM and it has resulted in a great deal of improvement. I am still monitoring things of course, but the lines of dialogue between me and my fiancee are 10x what they were seven months ago when I joined here, and all of my concerns sexually have been erradicated, not to mention some nice bonuses have been tossed my way.

As I said, I am still watching things and keeping my eyes open and I refuse to just go blindly through life with her, but thus far things have been for the most part wonderful. I feel my change in approach has allowed her to understand better where I was coming from.

In hindsight, I think I was guilty of to many covert contracts. Now, I'm more open about what I want, how often, etc. Yes, I still get turned down at times, but the frequency is gradually reducing I find, and the variety of sexual options on the menu is growing weekly.

For the record, I never once threatened to cancel the engagement, so she didn't change out of fear of losing the marriage, and as such I'm not worried about her change being only temporary in an effort to get married. It may prove to be a temporary change, only time can show that, but it's not due to an effort to keep the marriage as an option.

I think part of it boils down to MAPing, sort of. While I haven't read Athol Kay's work, the general jist I get of it from these boards is to man up, ask for what you want, and don't just be a nice guy. Be respectful and supportive, but don't be a doormat. Maybe I was unconciously being a doormat before. Eitehr way, I have been more assertive in my life and as a result, things have improved.

Of note, having a respectful partner who genuinely cares about what you want and how you feel does greatly aid the process.
 

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My girlfriend gets more into giving BJs than I do getting them, and she's amazing. She plays with herself while she blows me and we both get off around the same time.

That's about as far away as a chore as you can possibly get.
 

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My girlfriend gets more into giving BJs than I do getting them, and she's amazing. She plays with herself while she blows me and we both get off around the same time.

That's about as far away as a chore as you can possibly get.
My wife is often the same way. She feels very empowered when giving head and this excites her very much though I am not able to say she gets more giving them than I receiving them since I really , really enjoy getting a bj ...... from her especially ;)
 

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Why look at it as a duty or a chore? It's a gift.

I get lots of pleasure from giving in this way to my husband because I love him, I love that he loves it, and I am turned on by his arousal. I don't necessarily have an orgasm, but that can happen during PIV sex too.
 

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my wife was never a big fan of oral or hand jobs.

but would love all the effort I put into doing them and much more for her.

over the years the resentment (even though I thought I was alright with it) built to the point where I would rather rub one out instesd of having sex with some so inhibited that when giving there lover pleasure it came off as a chore.

YUCK!

bascialy I told her I wanted a divorce if she didn't care to be a good lover. she tried to twist it all around saying things like why is that so important and well then don't do it for me.

I held my ground and said that just ani't a marriage to me and that I rather find someone who loves me and my D*CK .

she been alot better and if she has that chore like attitude I say jokingly its going to take for ever with an attitude like that or never mind.

I know you said you wanted to stay on topic about the question insyead of questioning weather or not you will be happy in this marriage.

my opinion for what its worth is to put your foot down before marriage on any sex issue. or risk being unhappy in that dept for the length of your marriage.

looking back ....wish I would have had this board before I got married 20yrs ago........with that said I still might have been blinded by love and refused to see the forest throught the trees like so many seem to do.
 
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