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I'm male aged 39 and my wife of 17 years is 37. We have three children between the ages 13-17. I'm highly sexed, my wife isn't. I'm honestly unsure how to fan the flames of passion within our relationship. Neither of us have had another sexual partner so expectations were not high when we first met. But as we have grown together and matured I feel increasingly desperate at the lack of sexual activity I'm experiencing.

Of course I've taken into account stress, children, finances, mood, and the usual host of other factors that impact on a healthy sexual relationship, but even after taking this into account I have two areas of concern. My wife has never been comfortable with her body image and she has never had any self confidence in the bedroom. My wife's attitude is that the man should always initiate sex, for me this is a huge turn off and makes the whole episode predictable and predatory. She truly hates her body and to be absolutely honest she hasn't done anything to keep in shape. She has a saggy tummy with large thighs, calves, and bottom. When I do initiate sex I make no comment of this but it always rears it's head due to my wife's comment's when "perorming". When we change positions she might moan about how she can't move easily or how she looks, it's just not fun or attractive. Without fail when she is comfortable she has genuine orgasms through oral and penetrative sex, but more often of late I'm just not finding it possible to ejaculate through oral or penetrative sex. I admit with the aid of porn I achieve orgasm with no problem and masturbate maybe four times a week. She blames herself for me not finding her attractive and me being unable to orgasm, yet she does nothing to change it. I would never pressure her into loosing weight as I find her sexy as she is, but she won't believe me. I'm always messing around touching her and cuddling her during the day trying to make her feel attractive but nothing works.

I believe I have made a contribution to this insecurity even though the lack of desire and confidence has always been there. Three years ago I met a beautiful Indian woman online. Petite, demure, and incredibly sexy with a great sense of humor, she kind of gave me some hope in a sense that I was still attractive. We were both unhappy with our marriages and made the decision to leave our partners with her taking her three children with her. The "relationship" lasted just over a year, before we had chance to meet my wife discovered an e-mail and I chose to stay with my family, in reality if I had the money and means of transport I would have gone. I know she compares herself to this woman, but in part I sought the excitement of this woman due to my lack of unhappiness and sexual fulfillment at home. Sex isn't the be all and end all of life, don't get me wrong. But it plays a vital part in any relationship and as of now it's just limping along. I try to look after myself, I have a slight tummy and an average size penis, but on the whole not an unattractive package. No Beckham though. She's not happy and nor am I, how on god's green earth are things going to improve?

If you've got this far thank you, at least you've shown interest. If you can suggest any medieval tortures that I can chastise myself with do let me know .... :rofl: Otherwise any comment's or thought's would be very welcome. Thank you.
 

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How many times per week are you having sex? What would be your ideal number per week? Do you go on dates? Does she currently have a fitness or exercise program? Have you asked her to start an exercise regime or fitness program with you? Who do you feel does most of the sexual compromising in your relationship? Does a part of you think that her issue with her body is so she can avoid having sex?
 

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Hmm did she forgive your affair? It probably damaged her self confidence even more, it will be a scar that will always be there.

Her insecurity seems to be her main issue for not being into sex. You have tried hard to make her feel sexy but she doesn't feel like it. No one can really help her if she doesn't help herself. Maybe you can go to the gym together so that it's easier to follow the program together, but there's no magical change and she has to help herself too.

I get the feeling that for men, attitude plays a huge role in sexiness in a woman, so that a bit of overweight or being average looking is not too big deal if you have a sexy attitude, although not many women realizes that and puts too much emphasis on how they look.
 

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You may have your work cut out for you. Your discovered affair no doubt injured her self esteem and low confidence beyond what you can imagine. This has been my experience. Over 8 years have passed since my husband had his first affair and I have been struggling since!

I suggest you take her on a date, do something she really enjoys. Maybe write her love notes and leave them where she can find them. Go to individual counseling yourself so she sees you are serious about improving yourself and the relationship. If my husband would have went to individual counseling it would have helped my perception of him improve.

I actually am a lot like your wife. I hate how I look, don't initiate sex anymore and have low self esteem. My husband tells me how sexy I am, and beautiful but it makes me angry. How are we supposed to believe that if our men have affairs, especially with pretty petite women?

Be an open book with her. Give her all your passaords and answer.any questions she has honestly. Is there some dream she has had that you could help come true? Opening a business, writing a book, gou.g back to school? Anything?

Good luck to the both of you.
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