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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been having some issues for a while and I need some advice from outside sources.

A little background first. I'm 25 and my wife is 24. We've been together for 5 years, married for almost 2. The first couple years of our relationship, she was wanting sex more than I was. There were actually times where I turned her down because it was just simply too much. I'm talking multiple times per day. Sex has always been great for the both of us. She doesn't have problems with climaxing and there's plenty of foreplay. After we got engaged and the wedding planning started, things started to slow down a little. Maybe 2-4 times a week, which is still plenty, but not as much as it was. This started to get to me a little, but I figured there was just a lot of stress from planning a wedding and job changes. On our honeymoon, she was somewhat reluctant to have sex, but I could tell she only wanted to in order to please me. We bought a house right before we got married and she had started working full time a few months before we bought the house. Ever since the wedding, things have really gone down. We've had sex twice in the same week 3 times that I can remember since the honeymoon. It had gotten down once every 7-10 days, and recently going down to about twice a month. So far this year, we've had 13 encounters (yes, it's lame, but i keep track)

We get along great and are a good match for each other. We rarely ever fight and when we do, it's usually because I bring this issue up. I still find her extremely attractive and I am very understanding. However, I am a man, and I have needs. I've tried explaing to her that the male brain sees sex differently than women do and a compromise needs to be found. I'm afraid to initiate sex anymore due to it possibly leading to a fight. She claims she's just too busy anymore and there's just no time. I'll look ahead into what a day holds for us and if I see that there is going to be plenty of free time available, I get excited thinking that if there's time, surely sex is to happen. Well, when it doesn't, I get upset. There have also been several times where she's made sexual advances or does things that she knows turns me on, with nothing to follow. This is very irritating and makes me feel unwanted.

I constantly go beyond what's required of me to free her up. I do most of the chores, take care of errands so she doesn't have to, kiss her often, compliment her, leave sweet notes, buy random cards, buy flowers, etc. These are all things that I thought women needed in order to feel wanted and be romantic, but it doesn't seem as though anything works. Whenever I see her spending countless hours playing on forums and myspace, it bothers me that she would rather do that than to be intimate with me. I desire the closeness and intimacy involved in sex. I'm not one of those guys that is just in it to get his and is done. I put her pleasure before mine every time.

I'm just getting really irritable because of all this and I don't know what to do. I try talking maturely about it often and it always ends up the same way. She gets mad, we fight, and things are rough for a bit. She complains that all I think about is sex, when I only bring it up if it's been a week or more. I told her that she should be lucky that I still find her attractive and still want to be intimate.

I just recently purchased some help books from amazon.com in hopes that I may learn about some things that could help. I would love to get some insight from other people though. Am I just wrong to think that a newly married couple in their mid 20's should still be having regular sex? The only problem I see is that she has a lack of self-confidence lately. She's put on a few pounds, but is definately not fat. She has some clothes she doesn't fit in anymore and is constantly referring to herself as a fatass. I tell her that she's not fat and that she's still extremely attractive, with which she usually says whatever or rolls her eyes.

anywho, anyone care to give some advice?
 

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emk

You are not wrong to think a young couple such as yourselves should be having sex on a very regular basis. There may be multiple factors involved and many of the things you are doing for her are the right steps to take. A couple of things that stood out. 1.) Don’t keep score. Any discussions involving statements like it’s been a week will only put her on the defensive. 2.) I think you are closer to home with the self image concerns. If she considers herself a “fat ass” she will not be likely to be interested in sex and may question why you would have desires for her. Continue to complement her on her appearances. Also address the time spent on-line. If her spending large amounts of time doing something that takes her away from you hurts you, tell her. It sounds like you are reluctant to bring up conflict but for things to improve the two of you must communicate or your frustrations may lead to resentment. Think out your wants and needs clearly. Focus on the issues and prepare yourself for a calm but concerned discussion with her. Make sure you discuss this from the stand point of you are concerned about the health of your marriage, not your personal needs. Good luck.
 

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It almost sounds like you are a self fulfilling prophesy. You complain for lack of sex then there is less. You get upset if she is intimate without being sexual. You say you do all this stuff (flowers, cards etc.) but she still doesn't, What is the real reason you do those things?

Maybe stepping back while you evaluate your relationship will help but I would really like to know more details on your relationship. Nothing really stands out.

draconis
 

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There have also been several times where she's made sexual advances or does things that she knows turns me on, with nothing to follow.
If she is feeling self-conscious about her weight, she may still be having sexual urges but by the time it comes down to it, her insecurities have turned her off the idea.
I told her that she should be lucky that I still find her attractive and still want to be intimate.
Hmmmm, I'm hoping this is just bad wording and not how you really said it. Otherwise, I would take it as 'You're lucky I still find you attractive, fat-ass' I know that's not what you meant, but hopefully it wasn't said/received in that way.
I just recently purchased some help books from amazon.com in hopes that I may learn about some things that could help. I would love to get some insight from other people though.
Very cool that you are going out of your way to address this within your marriage.

Self-confidence is a huge factor for many women as far as sexual desire goes. Not feeling good about myself outweighs my sexual urges. I agree that continuing to compliment her looks will help, even if she rolls her eyes.

You may want to pay attention to when you give her compliments...they will be better received during sex or a few days later when she doesn't think you're expecting/wanting sex.

I would recommend trying to get her away from the computer...ask her if she wants to go for a walk and talk. Just time alone to connect with one another.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hmmmm, I'm hoping this is just bad wording and not how you really said it. Otherwise, I would take it as 'You're lucky I still find you attractive, fat-ass' I know that's not what you meant, but hopefully it wasn't said/received in that way.
definately bad wording. trust me, she's definately not overweight. i just meant that a lot of guys i know lose interest in their wives, while i still remain wildly attracted to mine. i haven't lost that spark yet, but sometimes i wish i could so that this wouldn't be an issue anymore
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
It almost sounds like you are a self fulfilling prophesy. You complain for lack of sex then there is less. You get upset if she is intimate without being sexual. You say you do all this stuff (flowers, cards etc.) but she still doesn't, What is the real reason you do those things?

Maybe stepping back while you evaluate your relationship will help but I would really like to know more details on your relationship. Nothing really stands out.

draconis
what would you like to know? i do those things to make her feel good. isn't that why women like gifts and sweet nothings? just for the record, i never complained for a lack of sex, just stated that there were times where i just simply could not do it. it's not like i held out on her for weeks
 

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emk,
Much of what I have read on the subject of men vs. women and sex highlights that for most men, sex is a physical need but for most women, it is based on emotional connection. If she is feeling disconnected from you in some ways, she may not feel comfortable having sex. Just from what you posted, it seems her issues may be more with self-confidence, but I might be concerned as to what she's doing on these forums. Is it strictly gaming stuff or is she looking for emotional support there...not to say there's anything wrong with forums :eek: but tapping into whether she's feeling disconnected might be something to consider.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Intimacy isn't just about sex. Your wife sounds under pressure to 'perform', and I can't think of a bigger turn off.
trust me, i know all about intimacy and i've complained plenty that it's lacking as well. i can do without the sex, but intimacy as a whole has disappeared. there's no more hand holding, breath taking kisses, cuddling, etc. it's all gone. the other night we were watching a movie and i wanted to lay on the couch with her and hold her. she got up to use the bathroom, so i laid on the couch and waited for her. she got mad and said there wasn't enough room for the both of us, yet we used to lay together on that same couch all the time. the sex is just a part of it. i don't pressure her into anything. i make mention that i'm in the mood every few days just to make sure she knows i'm still around. i'm constantly giving her random hugs and kisses, but get brushed off on occasions. she says i'm being too lovey or i'm interupting her. i really just feel pushed away and neglected. after a fight last weekend, i printed off several articles on improving intimacy within a marriage. i read them, then left them on her desk. i informed her that they were there and i'd appreciate it if she read them and talked to me about it. they got pushed to the side and haven't been read. i don't feel as though she's into the marriage as much as i, but have no idea how to reconnect her to myself.

i guess maybe i shouldn't have put such an emphasis on the sex life. i should have said intimacy as a whole
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
emk,
Much of what I have read on the subject of men vs. women and sex highlights that for most men, sex is a physical need but for most women, it is based on emotional connection. If she is feeling disconnected from you in some ways, she may not feel comfortable having sex. Just from what you posted, it seems her issues may be more with self-confidence, but I might be concerned as to what she's doing on these forums. Is it strictly gaming stuff or is she looking for emotional support there...not to say there's anything wrong with forums :eek: but tapping into whether she's feeling disconnected might be something to consider.
the forums that she's on are purely hobby related and she really doesn't do much posting, just reading. we also share a photography business that we do on the side and she spends a lot of time on the computer with that stuff too. i can understand the importance in that part though. one of our mutual female friends is the only one i ever talk to about our problems and she says that my wife never makes any mention of problems. she just doesn't talk to anyone regarding us, not even myself. i can't get her to communicate without fighting

every once in a while, i'll get a sweet note, a kiss, or a text message with a reminder that she loves me, but she won't spend any significant amount of time sitting with me to talk about our love for each other. i enjoyed the days of sitting together, looking into each other's eyes, and explaining how dearly we love each other
 

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Do the two of you still date? Maybe planning some nights out, dinner, movie, mini golf, batting cages, etc. will help you get back to more of a romantic state vs. the normal day in day out stuff. I'm not thinking in terms of a quick fix anticipating sex on these occasions but more of spending time together where you are focused on one another either talking or laughing together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Maybe she isn't good at communicating. Do you have a after school program/course or a college near you that might have a communication class you two can take together?

draconis
there may be, but i can't talk her into counseling of any sort. she doesn't think there's a problem. i found out she read those articles a couple days ago. her response was "i think they are a crock of **** and for people that are not so busy and on normal schedules."

she's making excuses as to why she can't make time for us. there is nothing so time consuming in life that it should take priority over a marriage.

Do the two of you still date? Maybe planning some nights out, dinner, movie, mini golf, batting cages, etc. will help you get back to more of a romantic state vs. the normal day in day out stuff. I'm not thinking in terms of a quick fix anticipating sex on these occasions but more of spending time together where you are focused on one another either talking or laughing together.
we get out when we can, but it's not very often. a lot of time we spend together is done doing errand running or taking care of business related stuff. between our schedules and my finances, it's hard to get out to do date stuff, which is why i like to do "us" nights at home where we can make dinner, watch movies, and just be us. however, that doesn't happen because someone claims there isn't enough time. i do what i can by intimate and romantic gestures throughout every day, but it usually goes either unnoticed or gets pushed away
 

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Hi emk
My apology to any woman that reads my contribution on this issue; Generally speaking, and this applies to more women than men: WHY DO WOMEN OFTEN SHOW LACK OF INTEREST IN SEX AS SOON AS THEY ARE MARRIED? Sometimes you have to beg them, and i personally hate been given sympathy sex; and why do they(women) also think that the best way to say thank you to their husband or boyfriend after doing something that pleases them is to give them sex? Personally i think she is being unfair on you matey and at the same time maybe you need to talk to her and dont always expect sex to be last resort of hugging and touching each other.
Hope it works out for you
Cheers:scratchhead:
 

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While my boyfriend and I are not married, we have a similar situation.

When we first met it was sex sex sex all the time! It was great. He had to turn ME DOWN!

About a year and a half ago or more now, I lost interest. I have Chron's disease and I feel pretty bad a lot with stomach pains and such. I have put on some weight, and I dislike the way my body looks, despite him telling me he loves it (usually only when we are having sex or he's trying for it). Once we bought our house, it happens even less. If you think 13 times this year is bad, I think we've had it 3, maybe 4 times. YEAH it's bad. He's trooper though and sticks by me. I've talked to my doctor, we only sleep and have sex in our bed, nothing else.We also have two puppies that demand a lot of attention. Even on vacation last month we didn't have sex. I've change my birth control hoping that would help and still nothing. My doctor thinks therapy is the answer, but I don't see that helping.

I'm not sure if anything I have said will help you, but it happens. Just try to work though things, talk to her and see what's bothering her and there is always the answer of going to see a therapist. And they do have medication for women's libido now too, though she is young like myself, they may not want to go that route...

Good luck.
 

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I'm actually dealing with a related issue, emk. My husband and I have had sex problems since we've been married 4 years ago. We dated 5 years before that, but we were both raised in a fundamentalist environment so premarital sex was out of the question. When we were first married, I was always the one who wanted to have sex. My husband turned me down almost every time I initiated sex, but I never turned him down when he wanted to. It was like that for about 2 years.

I started working overtime every week at my new job. I gained a lot of weight due to my busy schedule. At first, I still wanted to have sex, but I never approached him because of being turned down so many times. Then, I started asking him to have sex; but I secretly hoped he would turn me down because I was so exhausted. Eventually, neither of us approached each other for sex. I'd say we have sex once about every three weeks or month, but it is not very exciting for me because it is always the same thing. And I'm pretty sure we only do it because we have to keep a schedule. It is never spontaneous.

My husband always compliments me, and, like your wife, I roll my eyes. But I still would rather him do it than not do it. It seems to me like you are doing all the right things. I don't know what to tell you, but I wish you the best of luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
i just find it really sad that relationships get in this position. it is not hard to find time to be intimate if people really want it. it just seems like women pull men into a relationship with it, then once they know they have the man hooked, it's over with; like there's no need to even try anymore.

a strong sex life is an important part of a marriage and anyone who says otherwise is full of it. when 2 people start pushing the whole issue away, that's not healthy. i haven't quite figured out what i'm going to do yet. my wife's at least being civil lately. no fighting, but no sex either. i haven't brought it up though. i bought 3 different books on strengthening marriages and intimacy levels, so if i can get time to read them, we'll see where that goes
 

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I consistently point out that people here will share input based upon the experience that they have had - consequently, that input may vary wildly.

The issues that you face with your spouse is exactly where I was as long as seven years ago - and where I stayed until as recently as a month ago.
All efforts to connect with her she interpreted as insincere or worse, that I was the problem because I was emotionally needy.

Let's face it, people do not make sense. 'Treat others as you would like to be treated ...' is a pretty time-tested saying. Give love, to get love, yadda, yadda.

By being understanding, conciliatory, sensitive, expressive, loving, and open with my feelings, or suggesting that we need take steps to reconnect, I was undesirable to her. I knew in my heart that all of my efforts were sincere - but to her, I was a needy little boy that wanted to get laid. Cut and dry.

Jennifer said this:
It seems to me like you are doing all the right things.
And usually one would hope that those efforts would be effective, but in my case and apparently yours, they were not.

I'm saying this:
Stop doing the right things. Stop giving her attention. Focus on yourself. Put your needs completely before hers. Make decisions for yourself rather than consulting her. If she doesn't like something you do, tell her, "I'm sorry that you feel that way."

I fully recognize that this is completely antithetical to what many of the well-meaning, empathetic, and thoughtful folks here have to say. But this is what made the breakthrough in my case. Basically, I mirrored my wifes behavior toward me - and guess what? She didn't like it. As a result, she became invested in the process of changing it.

I took these steps fully prepared to dissolve the relationship. In fact, I was preparing myself for it. There could only be two outcomes, we re-engage and talk, or we disengage and walk.

It's not about 'getting back', it's not about playing games - although to a degree it is rebalancing power and expectations in the relationship. It's about finding a means to get your partner to interact with you. I would have preferred to use sugar, but salt made the difference.
 

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You and I are in the same position, just backwards. My husband is the same as your wife. We are all around the same age as well; I will be 24 in Aug. My husband 25 in Nov. I mostly just want to say that you are not ALONE! I understand that after a couple of years sex doesn't happen as often...I don't understand how it got to once or twice a month. Maybe a therapist or sex counselor is in order for us all... :scratchhead:
 

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I kind of think you the the nail on the head at the end. She lacks self-confidence. I think when you feel good about yourself, you feel more like sex. Here is just a thought...if I were in her shoes its how I would want my husband to react....suggest an activity you can both do together that would help her with her (perceived) weight. Funny I read this post tonight. After 2 kids, I have a few pounds to shed. I've recently begun to focus on this and already have had some great results and feel better about myself which in turn has made me want to be more active. My husband is also working on himself...long story short we play softball and ironically both pulled a quad muscle so exercise is limited. I can still do the treadmill, he's worse off. So he went off and bought rollerblades because that doesn't bother him. Duh! Why didn't he surprise me with a pair and say this is something we can do together. I wouldn't have been insulted I would have loved to have the support. Anyway, he did end up picking up a pair for me too but I had to point it out. I don't know what you enjoy but it could be a co-ed volleyball team, take up raquetball, dancing, doesn't matter. Tell her you miss doing these things and want a partner. It could be something you could connect and grow closer, she would benefit from the exercise and time away from forums, and you will benefit too. Just a thought.
 
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