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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Hello, I would like to apologize in advance with typos or grammar, typing, proof read, spelling, etc. is not my strong suit. I am a young 30 year old male with a beautiful wife of 6 years with two beautiful daughters. I have bin with my wife a total of 12 years. We are very close in all aspect of life, even to the point of feeling how the other ones mood is with out a word. We are a average couple. We enjoy going out with friends, and going out with just ourselves.

We always had the same group of friends, even with going to different high school. Some friends are married and some are single, but we are friends with the same crowd. With in the past year my wife befriended another women a couple of years older then us who was previously divorced with no children from a not so great marriage. (Don’t know the details but just not a great marriage) As time went on I grew suspicious of this friend and the affect she had not my wife. After the friend reprimanded my children in my house I have completely cut her out of my life and insisted on my children’s life.

My wife agreed but still continues to associate with the friend. My wife goes to her house after the children go to bed and won’t come home until midnight or later. Just recently my wife went to a birthday party at a bar with the friend, my wife went back to the friends house well after midnight and stayed there until 2 am. I know my wife was at the friends house earlier then she tells me and lied to me about it. Probably because she knows I don’t like her being with her. So the kicker is, I pretty much do 85% of the finance. Vacations, car loans, nights out, everything comes from me.

When my Wife gets behind I help her out. And just recently I had to help her with a couple thousand dollars. (My wife is not good with money and we are working on that.) I asked my wife to please come home early that night because I think she lacks on her responsibilities in the house. Ever since this friend has bin coming around my wife has bin staying out late a couple times a month. I don’t like it and she’s never acted like this in the past.

My wife says I am not her father and have no ground to stand on when it comes to how late she stays out. I some what agree but if I’m financially supporting her (my wife has and good job with ok pay) and help her when she’s behind so I have a say in her curfew? Am I being too overly controlling?
 

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So, tell her flat out -- staying out and acting single -- you are right, I am not your father but I am your husband. If you continue to put her/going out above me and your marriage, then YOU will find out the consequences (and you NEED TO MEAN THAT -- Divorce). have you ever had her followed? You really do NOT know what they are getting up to when they go out, or who ELSE is over this single divorced woman's house, do you?
You may want to get a P.I. To follow her for just a couple of those "girls nights" out. I bet you find a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't pass the spouse test.

YOU can also just decide to STOP supporting her financially. I presume she has a job? Let her pay for herself and her mistakes as well as contribute to the common bills.
 

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It's writing on the wall, no your not her father, but better than her father. She's playing you and getting her needs met outside the marriage. You the ATM daddy. And she because of you has no real boundaries in place. Why is that? What type of wife goes out late at night after the kids go to bed, she's treating you like one as well. Why are you bailing her out of the hard spots, she spending the money at the bar. And laughing at you while she does it.

You need to take a different course of action.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
To Marduk, it sounds like a parent relationship I know. She has her school loans and ext. and I have my bills like credit cards and ext. but I am able to pay the majority of the bills for the house and have a savings. She has a hard time noticing she’s in a downward spiral with getting behind on her bills and by the time I find out it’s a decent amount of money and this has happen before in the past and we are working on it and getting better. We never had “curfews” before because we never had a problem with late night hang outs before so I’m in uncharted waters.


Jig07- my wife and I share our locations on our phones, that’s how I found out she was at her friends house sometime before she told she was. I trust my wife, yes that idea runs through my head a lot but it doesn’t really get to me because I don’t know if I could believe it. Ive noticed some fishy things that happens with the friend like turning her location off when she with her.(I very rarely looked at the location before the friend) I keep telling myself the fishy stuff is her trying to keep me from seeing how much time she spends with her. And yes she has a pretty good job and makes ok money. This isn’t the women I’ve bin with for 12 years. One individual has really thrown a wrench in our 12 years together, I know it’s healthy for her to have friends outside of the relationship but is this taking it too far?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Titled 1- funny thing is, when she went out for the birthday party recently I gave her money to go out while I stayed home with the kids. I like going out but enjoy staying home more but staying home with my family. She didn’t spend the money so I don’t know if she used her money that she had(so basically I’ll be paying for it in the end) or had a friend pay. I do feel like an atm, on top of helping her with her responsibilities around the house and also taking care of mine.
 

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Titled 1- funny thing is, when she went out for the birthday party recently I gave her money to go out while I stayed home with the kids. I like going out but enjoy staying home more but staying home with my family. She didn’t spend the money so I don’t know if she used her money that she had(so basically I’ll be paying for it in the end) or had a friend pay. I do feel like an atm, on top of helping her with her responsibilities around the house and also taking care of mine.
No this just makes you a loving and trusting husband. But shutting off the location is a no no! And it's not just her friend you just see it this way. I on the outside see it completely differently. And no because I don't have the live invested like you allows me a different perspective than you. So set the new rule in place no more shutting off the phone location. And get a :
https://www.landairsea.com/

Tracker ofor her car. So if she leaves phone in car and she's trying to be clever and get one over on you. Cover your bases it's about 30.00 a month and will tell you within 5' of cars location. Then if continue get someone to watch the kids when she goes out at night, this will allow you to see if the car and phone are together without her. Sorry you'll find this possibly to be the case. And then you'll have info on the one one and only path to go. If you choose reconciliation then everything she does is stopped. The friend banned from your marriage. If she puts her over you then you got your answer.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thank you everyone for your advise, I’m thinking it’s less me being controlling and more of her not putting the right things first. In a previous argument she asked if I wanted her to stop being friends with her, I don’t know if she was trying to call my bluff for was serious. But it would be hard since she also works with this friend, and in the same department. The more I type the more I see I have things stacked against me. I was trying to get her to see what she’s doing is wrong with out giving her a ultimatum. If she doesn’t see it on her own I don’t want her to resent me for making her stop talking to one of her friends. Title 1, the gps is a good idea and I’m thinking about it, but I’m afraid of what I’ll find out, but I need to know.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I am new to this the forum world. I have realized I have posted in the wrong forum. I’m going to copy and paste into the the correct forum and delete this one.
 

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No ending the relationship outside of work. Is a must let them talk at work nothing wrong with that. But the after hours is No. And yes we are all in a fear if finding out the truth, but it sets the record straight. And once you here it play you can make the decision you are willing to put up with. Be cautious of rugsweeping it or becoming a cuckold husband.
 

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I am new to this the forum world. I have realized I have posted in the wrong forum. I’m going to copy and paste into the the correct forum and delete this one.
Can a mod move this to the appropriate place thanks.
 

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This sounds like the classic toxic friend.

You have every right to name the problem. Tell your W that the friend is not a friend to the marriage if she is encouraging your W to behave in ways that are not healthy for the marriage. Ask her how she would feel if you had a toxic, divorced male friend that you were lying about and hanging out with until the small hours of the morning.

Try to stay confident. Don't worry about being 'controlling.' Tell her what YOUR boundaries are, i.e., that a spouse should not be partying like a single person.
 

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Trust us here . All the people on here know what they are talking about . There is alot more going on then you know . I would even sneak her phone one night and look at text between them . I would say her friend is getting your wife to cheat and they are going out and picking up guys to have sex with or she is in a affair with the friend . You need to find out what is going on . You should hire a pi or follow her yourself .
 

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The way she is acting isn't right for a married women with children. Going to bars with a single friend who is a bad influence is playing with fire. There is no reason for her to switch her phone off or stay so late. I would be concerned in your position.
 

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Look up Boundaries and Consequences. You need to understand what healthy boundaries look like and you need to know how to set consequences for her stepping over your boundaries.
 

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So the kicker is, I pretty much do 85% of the finance. Vacations, car loans, nights out, everything comes from me.
When my Wife gets behind I help her out. And just recently I had to help her with a couple thousand dollars. (My wife is not good with money and we are working on that.)
I asked my wife to please come home early that night because I think she lacks on her responsibilities in the house.
My wife says I am not her father and have no ground to stand on when it comes to how late she stays out. I some what agree but if I’m financially supporting her (my wife has and good job with ok pay) and help her when she’s behind so I have a say in her curfew? Am I being too overly controlling?
You have every right to object to what your wife is doing. Part of the problem is most likely the words you use and what looks like you trying to enforce rules as though you are the father of a defiant teen and then you are whining about it. There is a lot that you need to change. She needs to change if this marriage is going to work, but you do too.

You sound like you are acting like her father and are being punitive. You two are equal partners. You are not the boss. If you are saying these things to your wife, you are helping to create an environment that will get her to become defiant.

It’s not your place to set a curfew for your wife. You are not her father.

She “lacks on her responsibilities in the house”? That sounds like you are the father who is disciplining a teen who is not cleaning her room.

Why do the two of you have separate finances? Why are there her bills and your bills? In marriage all income belongs to both spouses, all bills are the responsibility of both spouses. That fact that you earn more and pay more on bills does not give you more rights or control over her. That’s just wrong think.

Your stance should be that you have boundaries. Try this:



  • “I will not be stay married to a woman who goes out partying without me on a regular basis.”
  • “I will not remain married to a woman who is irresponsible with finances.”
  • “I will not remain married to a woman who does not take 50% responsibility for all household chores.”

Boundaries are about you. They are not about her. A boundary is what you will and will not live with. They are no an attempt to control her. Instead they state what you will allow in your life and your marriage.

First off, you seem to have no idea what a marriage should look like. You have no idea who a married couple should run their finances. So I’m suggesting some books that will help you learn this. After you read them and learn these things you can ask her to read them and work on these things with you.

Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner

I like everything about this above book except that it leaves one thing out. Basically, it says that a couple needs to have joint finances. That you pay yourself first. That means that you put 10%-20% of every paycheck into savings (401K’s or regular savings), then you pay all the bills, and after that you both can spend anything left over however you like. The thing that I would add is that after you pay all the bills, you split the discretionary income 50/50 so that each of you have the same amount of money to spend. And neither of you need to explain to the other how their share of the discretionary income is split.

My suggestion is that you two read the book and put that in place. And if there are still problems then seeks out a financial advisor to help teach the both of you.

Now for some books about what a good marriage looks like. From what you wrote, it sounds like the two of you spend no time dating. That’s completely unacceptable and leads to the type of problems you are having. To keep a strong, passionate relationship, you two need to spend at a minimum 15 hours a week together in quality time, just the two of you with no one else, not even children.

The books are:

“Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read “Love Busters” first. You both have to stop love busting. These are things like her going out with that friend and your saying the types of things you said here. Then, after you two stop doing the things that hurt your relationship you can do the things to identify both of your needs and meeting those needs.
 

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Does your wife work full time?

I don’t think her going out to her friends house and staying out late is anything to get upset over. And putting a curfew on your wife is controlling.
Stop giving her money like a child and stop paying her bills like a child, and stop giving her curfews like a child.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I’ve bin told our finances are out of wack but they have always in like that because she spends money and doesn’t budget well and couldn’t be trusted to have access to that kind of money. She asked for it because she was having a hard time. I’ve always. I’m good with money and budgeting for stuff for us to do, vacations, out to eat ext. Besides he school loans she only pays two house bills. As for responsibilities, I take care of outside work, anything with the cars, anything with the house, we share cooking and taking care of the girls. She does a little more because I’m not home when the girls wake up. I have to do a little motivating when the house needs to be cleaned or laundry needs to be done, and I help her with it. I know she can’t help me with what I need to take care of but I don’t expect her too. I hate to use the word curfew and I know it sounds exactly like a curfew but should a married women act like this, can I ask her to take more a lead on making sure the house is cleaned and the laundry is done? Can I tell her I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out when the house is a mess? Should I be able to say it as a husband?
 

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I’ve bin told our finances are out of wack but they have always in like that because she spends money and doesn’t budget well and couldn’t be trusted to have access to that kind of money. She asked for it because she was having a hard time. I’ve always. I’m good with money and budgeting for stuff for us to do, vacations, out to eat ext. Besides he school loans she only pays two house bills. As for responsibilities, I take care of outside work, anything with the cars, anything with the house, we share cooking and taking care of the girls. She does a little more because I’m not home when the girls wake up. I have to do a little motivating when the house needs to be cleaned or laundry needs to be done, and I help her with it. I know she can’t help me with what I need to take care of but I don’t expect her too. I hate to use the word curfew and I know it sounds exactly like a curfew but should a married women act like this, can I ask her to take more a lead on making sure the house is cleaned and the laundry is done? Can I tell her I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out when the house is a mess? Should I be able to say it as a husband?
Interesting. Why do you have low self esteem and undervalue yourself? Does she have a full time job?

The point being made is not that "curfew" is an insult towards you, it is the fact you are parenting an adult. Yes, it is perfectly fine to be upset at bar hopping, staying out until 2am, not helping around the house, lying about where she is at and having a toxic friend.
 
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