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@Colorado23, read @Affaircare's post to you. Then read again and again, until sinks in.

It's the betrayer that should be doing the pick me dance, not you.

Your inattentiveness doesn't near equal her betrayal. That's completely 100% on her.

Let her go and you'll see how fast the OM drops her, once it gets real. He only wants a thrill, not another wife, alimony and child support.

Lol, how immature is your fiancee to believe this fantasy romance is true love? What does his wife think about all of this?

It's time to put your big boy pants on and be that man you want to be. Not for her, for you!


Best
 

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I would say it has went further than just texting . More than likely they have had sex . No man is going to talk to someone for 9 months and not get some . That is all he wants . He will string her along as long as he can . But since he is married he is not going to leave his wife because she will get half of what ever he has .

Do like the others have said and man up . Get mad and kick her to the curb with nothing . If she doesn't have a place to go you keep the kids . I know for a fact if she has no where to go the police will not let her take them since you have the place .

You need to shock her back to reality . By you doing what you are doing now will just let her think you are ok with it . And she will string you along which is what she is doing now . Nothing good will come from you catering to her . Everyone on TAM knows this . She is the one cheating not you . You need to get mad as hell .
 

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Sorry man I figured there was a new shiny object. You didn't push her to [email protected] Trust me Mr successful wont want some woman with 3 kids -and divorce his wife and loose all his stuff. Just let her go and tell her to go be with him. He will dump her quick. Sorry again
 

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So update... there was another man for 9 months she was talking to him behind my back. He works at her job, is a successful car salesman selling her dreams of a big house and everything she wants butttt he’s married. And his a habitual cheater, has cheated on his wife with many girls in that delership and treated them like ****. Except for her.. she thinks she’s the one bc of how he talks to her and the things he says to her. He’s been married for a few months and just had a baby.

I feel that I pushed her to do this, I was immature the last two years of our relationship and made her put a wall up. It’s little things I would do like not giving her my complete attention, not communicating enough or expressing my feelings, noticing the little things about her, or just surprising her with anything to make her smile the little things. This technically my first true relationship and I slacked in a lot of departments not knowing the daily work involved to make a woman to never feel these things. I’ve matured over the years and learned every lesson, I know now what to do and have been showing her, making her feel like a princess making her feel special and give her all my attention, she says it feels weird cas she’s not use to it but I told her she will get use to it.

So we’ve been talking the last few days and she says she can’t seem to let this married guy go, that he says he will leave his wife and do all these things, she knows it’s not right but her feelings for him won’t let her leave. She doesn’t want to be alone after all, she’s afraid to be alone, she doesn’t want to fully get back with me and things go back and she loses him and me and ends up alone. She wants me to show her for a month that I truly have changed and things will never go back to how they were while she gives him a month to leave his wife... I don’t know if I can do that..as much as I love her and our family that doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. She has moments where she will kiss me and tell me she chooses me and I’m her best friend then a day later she says she’s scared and can’t make a choice. I don’t know what to do, I want to fight for us but it seems like it’s not the right way to do it.
I’m caught in the middle, she’s the mother to my kids, my first love and my bestfriend, we have the best time together and I know if she gave us one more chance things will be better than ever bc this experience has changed me and made me realize I can never go back to being that person.
The other night I went to Kays got her a nice infinity ring, and wrote up a love letter that listed everything I’ve learned and will never do, we made intense love twice and she kissed me with passion, the next day she was still texting him, when i confronted her she said she it’s hard to just stop.
So we went on a break, the next day I came home laid in bed she cuddled up to me and before she went to work told me she is going to choose me, then hours later goes on to say she is afraid to waste more time with me if i didn’t change and maybe thinks they can make it work between them.
She told me for a month she wouldn’t kiss him or go on any dates or anything but just text him, tell him he has one month to file for divorce, while I’m here continuing to treat her like a princess that I want to do forever and never stop, I just don’t think that’s the logical thing to do, I know the answer deep down but will be too hard...what if he doesn’t leave his wife and she comes back to me and we’re better than ever, instead of me leaving this place and try to move on with another, that’s another things.. she says it makes her sick to her stomach to imagine me with another girl giving her everything she always wanted, I just don’t know it’s a hard one:( everything inside me wants us to work just doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen...
All you did was reinforce to her that she can have her cake (you), and eat it too (the married dude).
 

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Inform the other mans wife and then let your wayward go. She's not relationship material.

You need to grow up, mature and quit being so naive. There is no one and only, soulmate. That's a bunch of BS. You didn't force her to cheat either. That was a very willing decision she made because she wanted to.

Get real or get walked on.
 

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Hold on, so she communicated all of these problems before and you ignored them? Or, like most cheaters, it was all pointed out to make you feel terrible?

Nope, I am not saying you didn’t make mistakes, but it always funny how cheaters, gender need not apply, try to turn everything back on the Betrayed person.
 

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You say to her: "you have a choice between the father of your children, or Mr serial cheater. If you find that a hard decision, you're too stupid to be marriage material, and we need to go our separate ways." And mean it, because it is actually true.

What you are currently doing is rewarding her for inappropriate behaviour. What you are doing is like giving a dog a treat every time it craps on the carpet.
 

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Why do we have to assume that she must be cheating? it could really be that she's tired of him taking her for granted.
Once again, the brain trust was correct. The OP's wife/girlfriend is indeed cheating - with a married, used car salesman. Damn, it just gets no sleazier than a cheating, married used car salesman, does it?

OP, if you actually believe she's only been 'talking and texting' with Mr. Smarmy from Acme Auto Sales, then I have some oceanfront property in Kansas I'd like to sell you. :(
 

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Dude,

One can never lay in bed with his SO and let her talk about any other man and how she might choose you over him.

Never, ever.

Man up. You didn't drive her to this, accept that. Observe how things are NOW and act accordingly.

If one dwells too much on "why ,why" when reality is smacking him in the face, one is trying to avoid action.

Because you have to act.

Let her have her alone time, immediately, pack her bags and tell her to go.

She's had sex with another man. That's the reality.

Make her, on your schedule (now) live with the consequences of her stated choices which are to not have you in her life.
 

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I do not agree with the others that are saying you should ask her to make a decision immediately and choose between you or the POSOM.

She should have NO CHOICE!!!!

She has cheated on you and you need to kick her out. Period. I do agree that you should take her to the POSOM's house, introduce her to his wife etc (as others have said) and let the chips fall where they may. She is in for a very bad fall and she has behaved badly.

She needs to come to this realisation by herself and then work VERY, VERY, VERY hard to try and win you back. Giving her a choice is empowering her and is still a milder form of the pick me dance.

And by the way, they have been screwing (as others have said). No POSOM will carry on for 9 months without her putting out.

I also agree that she is not marriage material. She may be the mother of your kids but she is not wife material. Focus on becoming a good co-parent and go find someone with stronger morals and boundaries.

I cannot believe that you are calmly discussing the situation with her and even listening while she explains how difficult it is to let the POSOM go. Unbelievable!!
 

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I cannot believe that you are calmly discussing the situation with her and even listening while she explains how difficult it is to let the POSOM go. Unbelievable!!
Yeah...it's unbereable to read that they've even discussing who she should choose.

As if they're talking about home furniture.
"Do we get that chair or that one?? Hm....lemme think...:scratchhead: I need some time...let's see what's more convenient given that I have the luxury to be able to choose. "




:loser:
 

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Discussion Starter #34
Last night I told her we’re going to take a break, we’re not together right now, I’m going to focus on myself while she sees if this man will leave his wife before this month is over. At the end of the month if he doesn’t leave his wife and I decide to get back with her then we’re going to try and make this work for the next 10 months and give it until are lease ends on this apartment, it’s the least we can do for these kids and our own peace of mind, she’ll see what im truly capable of and if she still doesn’t fall back in love with me than we can happily go our own ways.
I can’t go on without knowing if we can truly work while I never got to really put her on the pedestal she’s always deserved or how I should’ve acted from the beginning. I’ve always been immature and just didn’t take the blessings that came into my life seriously...this pain and whole situation has truly opened my eyes, and made me better. You guys don’t know how ****ty to her I would be sometimes, when I thought she was talking to much I would give her that vibe that I wanted her to be quiet, or I would focus more on playing the game or my phone than giving her the attention she was waiting for or express my feeling or communicate better, I just wouldn’t surprise her for no reason or notice little things or would always forget to do something, she would tell me all these things and I would do it for a little bit then go back to my old ways, I didn’t take time to truly reflect on my behavior and bad habits to change it.
She’s really is a good girl, just made a mistake, this isn’t who she is. We were once crazy in love, I should’ve married her 4 years ago but didn’t bc I was afraid of commitment but I messed it up by pushing her away by not doing the simple things she asked of me, each time I did that it made her build a wall higher and higher. I know that love is still there...I know he’s not going to leave his wife, and maybe if he does they will go on and do there own thing, and I will go my way and look for someone to never make them feel like I made her feel and find someone truly loyal. It’s all really hard..
I told her that I can’t just sit her and allow her to use me while she picks at the end of the month, she told me she’s given me so many chances to change, she’s stayed with me bc she was thinking about my feelings, the least I can do for her is this, but I told her that makes me weak for hoping he leaves his wife so we have a chance.
So we’re on a break, I’m starting to accept the reality that we’re eventually going to break up, both of our names is on this lease so I can’t just kick her out, that’s why I said if we’re going to both be here anyways why not try and do everything we can to make it work one last time. And if it doesn’t by the end of 10 months then it’ll be easier to move on bc I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be.
Maybe that makes me weak if after this month I gave her another chance to be loyal and get her to fall back in love with me by showing her what I’m truly capable of but i don’t really care.. I deeply love her and we’re best friends, when we’re good I know there’s no other person who can make her laugh or get along with her as well as we do. I know this is a crazy love story but what if we got through it and never looked back? What if this made us stronger than ever?
I’m not saying I’m going to sit her a wait on what he’s going to do, but if it doesn’t work out, all I’m saying is I’m going to be here anyways, I’m not leaving my home with my kids, misewell try and see if we really are meant to be...
 

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Damn, man.

She doesn't have to bother with giving you excuses.

You are doing that for her.

Stop trying to save her. She doesn't want to be saved or she would do it herself.

Stop putting her on a pedestal. She does not deserve it because what you are seeing is WHO SHE IS.

Stop giving her the choice. Why don't you love yourself enough to refuse to share your wife?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Last night I told her we’re going to take a break, we’re not together right now, I’m going to focus on myself while she sees if this man will leave his wife before this month is over. At the end of the month if he doesn’t leave his wife and I decide to get back with her then we’re going to try and make this work for the next 10 months and give it until are lease ends on this apartment, it’s the least we can do for these kids and our own peace of mind, she’ll see what im truly capable of and if she still doesn’t fall back in love with me than we can happily go our own ways.
I can’t go on without knowing if we can truly work while I never got to really put her on the pedestal she’s always deserved or how I should’ve acted from the beginning. I’ve always been immature and just didn’t take the blessings that came into my life seriously...this pain and whole situation has truly opened my eyes, and made me better. You guys don’t know how ****ty to her I would be sometimes, when I thought she was talking to much I would give her that vibe that I wanted her to be quiet, or I would focus more on playing the game or my phone than giving her the attention she was waiting for or express my feeling or communicate better, I just wouldn’t surprise her for no reason or notice little things or would always forget to do something, she would tell me all these things and I would do it for a little bit then go back to my old ways, I didn’t take time to truly reflect on my behavior and bad habits to change it.
She’s really is a good girl, just made a mistake, this isn’t who she is. We were once crazy in love, I should’ve married her 4 years ago but didn’t bc I was afraid of commitment but I messed it up by pushing her away by not doing the simple things she asked of me, each time I did that it made her build a wall higher and higher. I know that love is still there...I know he’s not going to leave his wife, and maybe if he does they will go on and do there own thing, and I will go my way and look for someone to never make them feel like I made her feel and find someone truly loyal. It’s all really hard..
I told her that I can’t just sit her and allow her to use me while she picks at the end of the month, she told me she’s given me so many chances to change, she’s stayed with me bc she was thinking about my feelings, the least I can do for her is this, but I told her that makes me weak for hoping he leaves his wife so we have a chance.
So we’re on a break, I’m starting to accept the reality that we’re eventually going to break up, both of our names is on this lease so I can’t just kick her out, that’s why I said if we’re going to both be here anyways why not try and do everything we can to make it work one last time. And if it doesn’t by the end of 10 months then it’ll be easier to move on bc I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be.
Maybe that makes me weak if after this month I gave her another chance to be loyal and get her to fall back in love with me by showing her what I’m truly capable of but i don’t really care.. I deeply love her and we’re best friends, when we’re good I know there’s no other person who can make her laugh or get along with her as well as we do. I know this is a crazy love story but what if we got through it and never looked back? What if this made us stronger than ever?
I’m not saying I’m going to sit her a wait on what he’s going to do, but if it doesn’t work out, all I’m saying is I’m going to be here anyways, I’m not leaving my home with my kids, misewell try and see if we really are meant to be...
Sorry, I know I am supposed to read an entire post, but I am not. I stopped when you said you are leaving, but you may take her back in 30 days.

You need to respect yourself. Never ever be a second choice for anyone kids or no kids. All you are doing is giving them permission to do this again. Yes, even if you are at fault. There are better ways to get someone to understand, like leaving, than cheating.
 

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You're negotiating your life when it's time for action. Direct your own course. Do not let anyone do it for you.

Of course, it's hard. You're used to letting things happen to you, instead of making things happen.

Don't be such a White Knight. Do you think your sacrifice is saving something?

Don't be so willing to be 2nd place for anyone. You'll forever feel like 1st loser.

A link for you to read... No More Mr. Nice Guy



Good luck.
 

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Who said you are always immature? Her? Others? I think it is more likely you are STUBBORN--want your own way. You did not treat her as you knew you should have. Cheating is unacceptable--she should have left first. So, you should have been more loving and you both should have worked on the marriage.

However, now you refuse to take the advice of folks knowledgeable in the areas of marriage and infidelity. You want to do it your way. If you were this stubborn in marriage, it must have been difficult to live with. Think on these things.....
 
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