[confused.love]

So here's the scoop. We've been married for almost a year now, and we have completely different views on money. We knew this 100% beforehand, but it never fully gets better. He grew up in a family that doesn't budget AT ALL. He was never fed home-cooked meals by his mom (or dad). They always ate out for everything. Me, on the other hand, we never went out to eat except for special occasions. Thing is, we are still finishing up school, we both work a ton, and it is busy. However, we don't have the money to go out for every meal. And we can't afford that mentality. He will NEVER cook for himself if I am not home, and because our schedules are so different, he just ends up eating out. We are healthy...but how long will this last, if we eat out all the time??? He will never eat left overs. Ever. But he raves about my cooking to everyone (the times I have time to cook).

I'm concerned about eating out for health and money reasons. Beyond eating out, he will not budget in general. I have tried various approaches, and some have worked...for a day. And then he forgets. Because he has never had to do it! And he's like a little boy- he is ADD and will forget goals he (or we) set for ourselves. I may be the one bringing up money, but I don't force it on him. I get very angry about food. But as for budgeting, he will set goals. And just forget! And randomly go out with one of our friends and spend $20. Or he will go buy me something for a lot of $$. This is fine if it were once in awhile. (I'm not a stickler, I'm just realistic).

We make a lot of money- and barely any of it goes to savings. And we should be able to afford school without any student loans...but I'm starting to get nervous for next semester.

Here's my questions: How to approach him about this correctly? How to have him see this is important without it seemingly like I am forcing budgeting on him? Any other advice???

 

[Cosmos]

OP, you have no alternative but to draw up a budget and get him to stick to it. There's no point in you both working hard, only for him to go and blow it eating out or buying things you can't afford.

Sit down and work out your joint income and expenditure together and work out a realistic budget. Plan your meals a week in advance, then buy the necessary groceries. Get him to agree to sticking to the menu plan, then treat yourselves once a month to a restaurant meal.

 

[turnera]

Unfortunately, you CANNOT CHANGE how he was raised.

If you want to survive a marriage with him, the person who feels the strongest will have to become the 'mean one.' Meaning, you will have to draw a line in the sand.

I raised DD22 that she ate whatever I cooked. DH worried 'oh, she'll starve,' or 'oh, she'll get sick if she doesn't eat dinner.' Bullsh*t. I said she WILL eat my dinner or she goes to bed without dinner. He would try to SNEAK her PB&J sandwiches. I INTERVENED.

It was that important to me. She went to bed without dinner if she wouldn't try at least one bite of everything I ate. Today, DD22's favorite foods are sushi, salads, and vegetables. Because she had to try everything I cooked.

You will have to be 'that person' in your marriage regarding the finances.

 

[EleGirl]

Get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". It's a take off from "The Automatic Millionaire" Both of you should read it. Then do what it says... basicly...


1) when you get $$ put 10%-20% in savings first-- for rainy days and big planned purchases. Put it in an account that is hard to get to. Have it auto depostied in that account from your both of your paychecks if you can. That way you never see it so you will never miss it.

2) Pay all of your bills next...

3) Once the bills are paid split the remaining cash from payday is split in two.. each of you gets half of it. Each of you cna spend/save your half the way you want to. If he wants to spend all of his half on eating out then more power to him. But once he runs out of that it's maccaroni can cheese for him till the next payday.

Easy way to handle the finances and it ends fighting.

 

[Lilies12]

Sounds like you need to make up a budget for the house, tell him he has to stick to it or else. If you have to take his cards away and give him a weekly allowance, if he spends it in one day too bad he has to wait until the next week. My husband was raised the same way, it took us awhile to get him to stay on budget, but once I took his cards and cut some of them up. He got the point! Every once in awhile he slips up but usually its because he surprises me with something. About eatting out, try and get him to save all of his reciepts from eatting out in one week. Have him add them up and see how much money he is spending, that might hit home. Plus it is unhealthy, try sitting down and watching "Super Size Me", its about eatting fast food. Probably will make both of you disgusted by fast food.
GoodLuck!

 

[NotMyRealName]

I agree with Lilies about watching the documentaries and instead of harping on him about money all the time (which we all hate to do & risk being called a nag) maybe push for a life style change & focus on the health issues instead. And if you are on board & do it together it might work! There are loads of great documentaries out there about eating and he wont be able to dispute the facts... and if he does start to eat healthier and respond positively to a new lifestyle, maybe you'll be able to enjoy or accept the splurges more often....Always remember that it is so hard to change a lifestyle and he will slip up, be his cheerleader, not his coach (wow. that sounds so cheesy).

 

[Mavash.]

We make a lot of money- and barely any of it goes to savings. And we should be able to afford school without any student loans...but I'm starting to get nervous for next semester.

Many people will spend whatever money is there. Does your husband just spend or does he actually look at how much is available? What I'd do is pull money out and redirect it to saving/investments, something so he can't spend it.

I agree with EleGirls post. That's what I did with my spending, had to eat out, never cook husband. LOL I cut up his dang cards and put him on a diet and a budget. He resented me for it for years but is now thankful for me. If it wasn't for me he'd be in the poorhouse by now.

Oh and his parents budgeted, cooked, and were frugal. NONE of it rubbed off on my husband. If anything he rebelled against it.

 

[ChiGirl]

You can open up multiple accounts at multiple banks. There are a couple out there with high interest rates. What you do is (like a few others said) is automatically move money to the other accounts. You can set up weekly,bi-weekly, monthly etc.

When H and I were together he was terrible with money.

The best thing about these accounts is that you cannot just go in and take out money, you have to transfer and wait 3 business days. So usually the urge goes away.

We saved almost 50k like this, and then we had another account for vacations etc.

You can make up an account for him, that is linked to the major account and automatically transfer spending money, if he's out then that's it- he has to eat at home or whatever.

A good book is The Automatic Millionaire, it shows you how to save money, including paying off a mortgage 7 years earlier and student loans...

BTW I hope this doesn't come off as "know it all" because right now I am in a huge mess due to my STBX.. the money thing worked only while together... my disclaimer