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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ladies/Wives maybe you can help me get my mind around a wife of 8.5 years gaining 30lbs in all the wrong places (belly). My wife, two years older than me (32), had always been short and petite, but around the 4 year mark of our relationship, the weight gained started.

I'm not trying to be inconsiderate, but I'm simply no longer sexually attracted to her and has contributed to sex about 1.5/month.

Initially, the weight gained started with a depression that onset after her not being able to find employment that would both satisfied her need for accomplishment and contribution to the family finances. I can understand the onset of weight gained due to this or whatever it may have been, but I see no effort to loose it and it is always a sore topic of discussion, so we never address the elephant (her at this point) in the room and it carries over into other areas of the relationship.

Just a note, she has a job (low paying), but not pertaining to her degree or her passion, so she definitely still has a void.

I guess what I am looking for is the magic key that will get her proactive about her weight and want to look sexy and cute for me again.

I guess it's only fair to mention she did have twin girls almost two years ago, but the issue started well before the birth of our girls. I would say 25lbs of the 30lbs was before the birth.

I've tried gym passes, transforming spare bedroom into home gym, diet pills and supplements, outdoor activities, getting myself in better shape to induce a want to look better too, but she never has time to fit exercise or diet controls into her daily schedule. She is a clean-a-holic by the way, but as much as she is always running around the house cleaning (I clean too), it does nothing to assist in her weight loss. Another note: she has developed chicken legs, her only weight gain is in her belly and back.
Basically the gain of weight is not proportionately placed.

She looks just like her mother, but her mother is more active and in better shape than her, lol.

Not to sound crude, but I can no longer look at her without clothes on.

Ladies, advice please...
 

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Wow complaints about weight and her LOW PAYING job, and you also say she has chicken legs... what are you with her for? If you say its love, then see past some of the flaws and be more accepting.

Bottom line some people are serverly obese and some people have no job at all. Practice more gratitude would be my suggestion.
 

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Pay for plastic surgery, so she can look like the barbie doll you married, since it's so very important to you.

Yes, I know men are visual and for you it is important. I don't have to agree with it, but that's how you are.

So fix it. Reality is some women never lose the belly after having babies, especially twins. Too much expanding has gone on to carry two babies where one was meant to be. Medical fact. Might be nothing exercise can take care of. Seriously. Surgery would fix YOUR problem very nicely. Because it is YOUR problem.
 

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Damn, that's a rough OP.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Judgement of the way I'm looking at this issue for me isn't what I am seeking out. Me being an enabler isn't either.

It sounds harsh and maybe it is, but I do love her and I have lost the "in love" affection and the passion that accompanies.

I'm also not worried about the obese, if I wanted to marry an "obese" I would have and by no means is my wife obese, but all physical attraction towards her has gone away.
 

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You wrote that your wife is an elephant and then moan in another post that you don't have sex as often as you want. Chew on that for a bit and then get back to me.
 

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Naw, Judgement is not what I wish to spread. I don't agree with your point of view, but that is who you are. So how can you fix it? Physical attraction for you must means weight. I'm saying she might likely have to have surgery, after twins. Is that something you can afford to do? if not, be aware that any amount of exercise or diet might not cure the problem.
 

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If you have lost attraction for her I guess there is nothing you can do, you just feel the way you feel.

It will have to be up to her if she wants to change the way she looks. I'm not sure if she is ok with how she sees herself or not, but it seems you are not. Best thing to do, until or IF she decides she wants to change things, you either accept her for who she is or you divorce her if your attraction has gone for her.

If the loss of attraction for her outweighs that of how you feel about her in other areas of the relationship, then yes do her and yourself a favor and divorce her.

If you want to do what someone else suggested and pay for her to have some surgery, then tell her just that. Tell her you are willing to pay for her some surgery for her belly etc, that she no longer looks the way she used to and see what she says.
 

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Wow, my first thought was, what a shallow and selfish man! If looks are the most important thing to you, then you are by no means marriage material. You should have stayed single and jumped from one woman to another when she became no longer attractive to you. Marriage requires much more from an individual than just looking hot and sexy for a spouse. The first and foremost is to love the other unconditionally, and treat each other with respect. Something that I have found to be sorely missing in this day and time. Now that you have opened the door of negativity towards your wife, those energies will flow from here on out until you realize that there's more to a woman than just the outer beauty. She senses your negative thoughts and that will make her feel even more undesirable, plus she's got two children now that's she's probably doing the bulk of the care! If you haven't recognized it or not, two year old children can be extremely stressful on the caretaker, usually the mom for the most part. So, if you can't show an ounce of compassion towards the lovely woman you married and the one who blessed you with two beautiful children, then I suggest you go get your head examined. You can decide which head I'm writing about! ;-)
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
It's complicated to say the least. And the issue of weight gain is the elephant in the room for my wife and I. Sex has suffered to a point that it is almost non-existent.

And I am a guy, simple, I want and need sex and as a husband I'm at my end. I do not get it and now I'm too the point in which I actually do not want it.
 

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wow, seems like th OP struck a nerve on this one. getting flamed pretty badly. im guessing there are more diplomatic ways to convey a response than some of these. i was just thinking of another thread where a woman got lit up by a few of the male members and she got alot of defense from the ladies. this one really isnt any different, but yet its seems to be ok.
 

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My suggestion, let her read your post here, then she can decide how attractive you are to her.

I understand if you feel frustrated by her lack of trying or interest, but you really do come across as its all about you and how its affecting you. Maybe she has been affected with your outlook about her. Depression and stress can play a factor in weight gain as well. It can also be a factor in putting forth the effort to actually lose it.


As far as you losing interest to have sex with her due to her weight, maybe if she has lost interest too, it could be due to your attitude. I guess it works both ways.
 

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wow, seems like th OP struck a nerve on this one. getting flamed pretty badly. im guessing there are more diplomatic ways to convey a response than some of these. i was just thinking of another thread where a woman got lit up by a few of the male members and she got alot of defense from the ladies. this one really isnt any different, but yet its seems to be ok.

Advice or suggestions for the OP?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
In general this is the type of response I was expecting.

Trey I think the attraction could be regained, but my issue is: how to invoke a desire to want to feel attractive to her husband again. I don't think that is unreasonable.

Plastic surgery was actually a humorous yet sad way that we actually referred or talked about her weight gain. I have not thought about it seriously, and wouldn't want to change her through plastic surgery. So, no plastic surgery.

The idea is how to approach her in a new way to encourage her that I would like her to loose weight because it is important to me. I'm not trying to be brash and unloving, but the weight gain is a systemic issue for our relationship even if you approach it as being MY issue.
 

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That's a terrible place to be in.

There isn't much you can do to force someone to change.
so what can you do?
You do have the power to change yourself.
You do have the capability to consider that you could open your heart and ask for advice on how to appreciate your wife's inner beauty.

I say this because this situation may repeat itself in the future.

No matter where you end up.. or with who... attaching visual beauty in the way you have will always be the elephant. It is not attainable long term.

A younger thinner version will attract you more.. until she as well gets older and doesn't satisfy your visual needs.

Yes, she could try harder. I have no advice on how you could motivate her to do so, as you don't like to look at her naked and I don't see a way out of that. Normally, if she is feeling confident that you do love her and find her desirable as a person.. she'd be more open to doing it for health reasons or energy. At this point... it sounds like she might feel that your love is conditional. Only unless she looks a certain way. That is not attainable long term, so why bother? That's harsh.
 

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dont post weight related topics in the ladies lounge
Men and women both are replying. And some men and women feel the same on the topic.
 

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look, this is a hot button topic because it requires someone else to do something. whether its weight gain, smoking, drug/alch abuse, hoarding, porn, etc.. it is an affront to the other person. the offender has to want to change it. if they dont, the non-offending spouse usually ends up giving up and doing other things that further seperates the relationship.

i really do not know what to advise. i have had a similar issue for years (not weight gain) which requires my wife to put forth a strong effort to change, and she just wont do it.
 

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Men and women both are replying. And some men and women feel the same on the topic.
yeah, i know, it was a joke. what if one spouse stopped showering, would that be ok? is that something that should be tolerated for intimacy just because you love them?
 
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