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I guess I can start here.. The wife express to me tonight that she wants to volunteer for some group that reaches out to homeless women with children. The group also assists at risk youth with resumes and interview tips. The first words out of my mouth were "great, I think you would be good at that." Then she says to be a member and volunteer the cost is $1000. To volunteer? Its not about the money. I started to think about her schedule and the hours she works. She is rarely at home as it is now. We also have four active boys who always have something going on. I can count on two hands the number of those events she has been too. My question to her is where is she going to find the time. I am glad she is motivated to give back but first and for most make sure you are taking care of your household.
Prime example I have been out of town on business for the past three months and one of our sons missed the soccer season this year because she said "she did not have time to take him." The games are only ONE day a week. No practices! She does not have time. Really? I was very disappointed in her for not getting him in this season. Mind you I did all the leg work, getting him registered and setting up a time for her to meet and get all the documents signed. She never showed.

I want to be supportive but realistic as well. I want her to show some effort at home with her own family. Am I being selfish? Anyway thanks for reading....
 

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1.) Are you SURE your son wanted to participate in soccer this year? Are you SURE it was HIS idea to play, and not YOURS? Is it possible that Mom is covering for son (who didn't want to play) because he doesn't want to disappoint you/make you angry?

2.) Tell wife that you do NOT have a problem with her volunteering, BUT that YOU TWO need to set a weekly schedule for yourselves (see how you're in this 'together') so that EVERYONE gets the proper time and attention: your marriage, your kids, your jobs, yourselves, your volunteering (including at kids' school). THEN THE SCHEDULE MUST BE ADHERED TO.

Show her the necessity of being on the same page so you can pick up the slack for each other as partners & as parents.

If she is unwilling to sit down with you and make TIME COMMITMENTS ON PAPER to all of the above, tell her you are NOT supportive of her volunteerism BECAUSE she is already giving short-shrift to her children and her marriage...which have priority claims on her time/attention over strangers off the street.

Remind her that your children only have ONE CHILDHOOD! She will still have MANY YEARS of volunteerism when they no longer need as much of her time/attention.
 

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Don't fall for the nonsense that you are supposed to support everything your wife wants to do. And don't think you are wrong to express to her the type of wife and mother you expect to have in your life.

This is a bad move for your family due to the finances, the time involved, and the fact that your wife will spend time taking care of other children instead of her own.

Tell her that this is how you see it... Includinng everything you said here.. But at the end say it's her choice. You must allow her to look inside herself and decide what kind of wife / mother she is.

If she chooses this after you point out her priorities, then you have a problem.
 

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Please speak up. I fell into the trap of overdoing it as a homemaker and I wish my husband had told me how he felt about it. I was volunteering so much that I was gone all the time then add in my needy friends and well that didn't leave much time or energy for him. Well I had energy for HIM but the housework wasn't getting done, I wasn't cooking as much as I used to, wasn't keeping myself up, etc.

Thankfully I figured this out on my own fairly quickly and cut back on my schedule. I readjusted my priorities and THEN if there was any time left I'd volunteer. So far there hasn't been any extra time. LOL

It wasn't until this was over that my husband expressed how he really felt. That made me sad. I had no idea how much my neglecting our family bothered him. I know dummy me but I truly didn't see it.
 

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The best way your wife can "give back" to society is to raise four law-abiding, successful, tax payers. There is no greater investment of one's time. The lessons they learn from you and your wife today will yield very real dividends for society for generations to come. Those kids are future home-owners, future voters, future employees or employers, future parents. You may have a senator, governor, general, professor, or heart surgeon living in your home right now. If you could go back in time and talk to Lincoln's stepmother (his primary moral teacher), would you suggest that her time would have been better spent doing something more important?
 

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She is rarely at home as it is now. We also have four active boys who always have something going on. I can count on two hands the number of those events she has been too.
...
I want to be supportive but realistic as well. I want her to show some effort at home with her own family. Am I being selfish? Anyway thanks for reading....
I don't think you are being selfish. Doesn't sound like family is at the top of her priority list. Even if your relationship doesn't "conform" to traditional gender roles, it still seems that more time & effort should be devoted to the family. Not knowing the ages of the 4 boys, has she asked them how they would feel about it? There are 4 other opinions that should matter to her, not just yours.
 

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Suspicious organization that requires money to volunteer.

If my child loves soccer & the stay at home parent decided on their own not to take him, I would be furious.

Why did she have children if she doesn't have much time for them?
 

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Society has legions of people and endless time to attend to the needy. We only have two people and only about 14 years to determine whether your kids will grow to be part of the problem or part of the solution. If the government paid your wife $50K a year to do nothing but be a good mother, it'd be the wisest investment taxpayers ever made.
 
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