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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
...AND she told a 'white' lie about desiring you sexually.

There is no one else in the picture. Her attraction to you has lessened because some of your lifestyle choices really DO bother her and she:

-has lost a little respect for you because of some personal habits
-sometimes feels belittled by you
-finds your table manners disgusting & embarrassing
-dislikes your arrogance
-hates that you are on the filthy side (to her)
-has detached/disconnected from you emotionally

What would you do if found ALL of this out? She hasn't told you all of this because she doesn't want to hurt you. But, she's really unhappy in what used to be a good relationship for her. You have expressed you are happy and in love. She's not.

She tries to 'live and let live.' She hasn't asked you to change. But, her feelings have changed. She loves you and doesn't want to break up. But, feels stuck and unhappy.

What would you do/say?
 

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...AND she told a 'white' lie about desiring you sexually.

There is no one else in the picture. Her attraction to you has lessened because some of your lifestyle choices really DO bother her and she:

-has lost a little respect for you because of some personal habits
-sometimes feels belittled by you
-finds your table manners disgusting & embarrassing
-dislikes your arrogance
-hates that you are on the filthy side (to her)
-has detached/disconnected from you emotionally

What would you do if found ALL of this out? She hasn't told you all of this because she doesn't want to hurt you. But, she's really unhappy in what used to be a good relationship for her. You have expressed you are happy and in love. She's not.

She tries to 'live and let live.' She hasn't asked you to change. But, her feelings have changed. She loves you and doesn't want to break up. But, feels stuck and unhappy.

What would you do/say?
Wait...your title says "She's not in love with you" but at the end you say "she loves you and doesn't want to break up". Which way is it? Loss of attraction and respect, or loss of love?

Also, how did you find this out if she didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Wait...your title says "She's not in love with you" but at the end you say "she loves you and doesn't want to break up". Which way is it? Loss of attraction and respect, or loss of love?

Also, how did you find this out if she didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings?
I am the woman who feels these things. I have loss respect & attraction. I don't want to break up. And I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I don't want to continue this way, wasting time.

I guess my question is: how hurt would u be & how would u react?
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I am the woman who feels these things. I have loss respect & attraction. I don't want to break up. And I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I don't want to continue this way, wasting time.

I guess my question is: how hurt would u be & how would u react?
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If you feel this way about him, why don't you want to break up? What keeps you with him?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It wasn't always this way. I guess I have this fantasy that I can get my feelings back to where they were. I don't feel safe being vulnerable. He does everything to try to make me emotionally comfortable like I used to be. But, I always have the, "Burn me one, twice..." thinking in my head. I detached to protect myself & its very unsatisfying. I feel alone & put out...
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It wasn't always this way. I guess I have this fantasy that I can get my feelings back to where they were. I don't feel safe being vulnerable. He does everything to try to make me emotionally comfortable like I used to be. But, I always have the, "Burn me one, twice..." thinking in my head. I detached to protect myself & its very unsatisfying. I feel alone & put out...
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I don't know your situation. What did he do to "burn" you? You sound like you've been very hurt by him. If he's truly done eveything to try to make you emotionally comfortable, you should be able to talk to him about your feelings. It sounds like perhaps he's content to go on with life and pretend everything's ok when they clearly are not.

By the way, your OP could've been written by me...I completely relate to your feelings.
 

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Was he always this way and you hoped he would change? Or has he evolved this way within the relationship? It's one thing to come to your senses after being deluded in the fog of the 'potential' of a relationship. For instance, after 4 weeks I realized my 'date' was overweight, didn't exercise, mismanaged his finances and his company business, was frequently behind on deliverables, was horrible with paperwork compliance being on time, only texted never called, could easily get lost by not checking directions in advance, drank too much, did not like to use condoms and liked to drive in dangerous areas in vehicles without air bags without buckling up. He also didn't get enough sleep and was down on himself because he was balding and ate way too fast and did not sleep well and liked to go to LA for a weekend to party (without me, lol.) For whatever reason I adored the guy. But the difference between reality and what I want is far too great. Could he change and have another go at the relationship? Probably. But would I have stayed in the relationship hoping that he would change or I would 'get used to it?' No way. My opinion with relationship partners is you take them as you find them. If someone puts on a good show and then evolves into a slob, you need to get better at due diligence and be willing to walk away from a relationship regardless of that little voice that tells you that you were once attracted to them and you somehow lost it and there is something he/she can do to let you regain the attraction. Be happy you had what you had, but don't expect someone to change. Just end it, and you can be honest about why. You can also let him know that if things change, he could contact you in the future (or not, if you don't want him to.) If you're dating, it's about discovery. Perhaps you commit too soon.
 

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I would try to take things like menopause, clinical depression and the legitimacy of the complaints into account, but likely it would be over.

Life is too short to spend what little is left that way.
 

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I've always told my present wife and past SO's if they feel they can ever do better than me ....... to please be honest and let me know so I can hold the door open for them ????

Don't get me wrong ..... I'd be heartbroken and have been heartbroken but I'd hate for anyone to stay with me because she doesnt want to hurt my feelings ??? We'd both be miserable !!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
Ocotillo, you are right. I am miserable w/ him & do want him to be happy.

OMG, you can ALWAYS do better & find someone else. Let's be honest. I think I am just lazy. If we do split, which is probable, I realize I would rather stay single. Relationships & marriage just don't seem to be all they are cracked up to be.
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...AND she told a 'white' lie about desiring you sexually.

There is no one else in the picture. Her attraction to you has lessened because some of your lifestyle choices really DO bother her and she:

-has lost a little respect for you because of some personal habits
-sometimes feels belittled by you
-finds your table manners disgusting & embarrassing
-dislikes your arrogance
-hates that you are on the filthy side (to her)
-has detached/disconnected from you emotionally

What would you do if found ALL of this out? She hasn't told you all of this because she doesn't want to hurt you. But, she's really unhappy in what used to be a good relationship for her. You have expressed you are happy and in love. She's not.

She tries to 'live and let live.' She hasn't asked you to change. But, her feelings have changed. She loves you and doesn't want to break up. But, feels stuck and unhappy.

What would you do/say?
If I found all that out somehow without her telling me, I would apologize and ask how she wants to proceed with divorce. Particullarly since you admit he is trying but you don't want to let him in. You both deserve to be happy, and if you can't or are not willing to try, then I think it is better for you both to go your separate ways to try and find happiness.
 

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Communication and honesty are crucial to marital happiness. People are so hurt by walkaway spouses because they think all is fine with the marriage, and their spouse is detaching without giving any warning about what is wrong.

Sit him down, look in his eyes, hold his hands, and tell him what you find disgusting about his habits. Emphasize that you love him, but your attraction is diminished by his habits. Tackle one thing at a time. His arrogance and belittling should probably be the last thing to address, as this will be the hardest thing for him to change.

Since you are worried about hurting his feelings, rehearse what you will say ahead of time. If he doesn't want to change, then tell him why you are filing for divorce. He deserves a chance to fix your marriage.
 

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i would listen.
and try to address the issues.
if that wasnt possible i would hit the bricks.
 

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Ocotillo, you ate right. I am miserable w/ him & do want him to be happy.

OMG, you can ALWAYS do better & find someone else. Let's be honest. I think I am just lazy. If we do split, which is probable, I realize I would rather stay single. Relationships & marriage just don't deem to be all they are cracked up to be.
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So I was trying to really think about why I would react the way I posted. I think it is because looking at your post, the impression I get is that you are stringing him along (not that you are, but that is what a cynic would say). That you are sticking with him until you see something better, and that you don't seem willing to work (or let him do the work). That you are letting him work to meet your needs without the equivalent effort on your part to meet his.

As I said, I don't think that is what is going on. But consider that if your husband does find this out, he may well interpret it that way, particularly if he is making an effort to meet your needs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Communication and honesty are crucial to marital happiness. People are so hurt by walkaway spouses because they think all is fine with the marriage, and their spouse is detaching without giving any warning about what is wrong.

Sit him down, look in his eyes, hold his hands, and tell him what you find disgusting about his habits. Emphasize that you love him, but your attraction is diminished by his habits. Tackle one thing at a time. His arrogance and belittling should probably be the last thing to address, as this will be the hardest thing for him to change.

Since you are worried about hurting his feelings, rehearse what you will say ahead of time. If he doesn't want to change, then tell him why you are filing for divorce. He deserves a chance to fix your marriage.
Thank you. I really need to do this in the way you have suggested. My attraction is almost gone...
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I don't know your situation. What did he do to "burn" you? You sound like you've been very hurt by him. If he's truly done eveything to try to make you emotionally comfortable, you should be able to talk to him about your feelings. It sounds like perhaps he's content to go on with life and pretend everything's ok when they clearly are not.

By the way, your OP could've been written by me...I completely relate to your feelings.
I am so sorry, Waking. Feeling this way stinks.

I know I am not his "type." Recently we discussed this & he, of course, didn't share my perspective. I guess I just know deep down we arent a great match in many ways. Some ways we are. I am unhappy, but is that the worst thing in the world...
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Communication and honesty are crucial to marital happiness. People are so hurt by walkaway spouses because they think all is fine with the marriage, and their spouse is detaching without giving any warning about what is wrong.

Sit him down, look in his eyes, hold his hands, and tell him what you find disgusting about his habits. Emphasize that you love him, but your attraction is diminished by his habits. Tackle one thing at a time. His arrogance and belittling should probably be the last thing to address, as this will be the hardest thing for him to change.

Since you are worried about hurting his feelings, rehearse what you will say ahead of time. If he doesn't want to change, then tell him why you are filing for divorce. He deserves a chance to fix your marriage.
You are right. But, I feel hopeless. We are who we are...God, am I quoting a Ke$ha song? Ugh. LOL
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
So I was trying to really think about why I would react the way I posted. I think it is because looking at your post, the impression I get is that you are stringing him along (not that you are, but that is what a cynic would say). That you are sticking with him until you see something better, and that you don't seem willing to work (or let him do the work). That you are letting him work to meet your needs without the equivalent effort on your part to meet his.

As I said, I don't think that is what is going on. But consider that if your husband does find this out, he may well interpret it that way, particularly if he is making an effort to meet your needs.
Thank you for that perspective. If we break up, I would prefer to stay single. I would NEVER do this again. Too much effort & not enough satisfaction from it IMO - for me.

I need to address his barnyard habits. Just not sure I am able/willing to let him back in emotionally. It's almost like we speak 2 different languages. We occasionally have fun & connect, but for me not in the meaningful way I need. I talk to my girlfriends instead of him. It shouldn't be that way...
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Thank you for that perspective. If we break up, I would prefer to stay single. I would NEVER do this again. Too much effort & not enough satisfaction from it IMO - for me.

I need to address his barnyard habits. Just not sure I am able/willing to let him back in emotionally. It's almost like we speak 2 different languages. We occasionally have fun & connect, but for me not in the meaningful way I need. I talk to my girlfriends instead of him. It shouldn't be that way...
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So why are you staying with him? You don't love him, it is too much work to be with him, he has too many bad habits, you rarely connect, you would rather be single?

Why do this to yourself? Why do it to him?
 
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