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Discussion Starter #1
Alo.
So.. the lowdown..
Me: 35 F, B/F is 33M, time dating = 3 months. No kids. I live alone, he lives with two female housemates, one a long time friend, one he barely speaks with.

For myself, this is one of my first ever true relationships. All others have been mostly long distance, lasting from 4 months to 2 years, often with 2-4 years in between. So yes. finally, at 35, this is my first relationship, and i"m freaked out and have no clue what I'm doing. * meep help!

So..
Other pertinent facts: We are both introverts to some degree, him more so than I , I do have an extrovert flair. At least 1 weekend per month I used just stay by myself daydreaming and zoning out.

I so far am finding him very needy. I've basically gone to having evenings and weekends all to myself if I want it that way, to only having Monday, Thursday and Friday nights, and half of Sunday. weeknights are usually shot with errands, making food, cleaning food, and then.. done. He comes over after work Friday around midnight, and then we're together until about 11 on Sunday when he leaves for work again, by which time I'm cleaning up the mess that's been made while he was here, preparing for the rest of the week.. and I still don't really relax.. and I"m so desperate for me time. To really de-stress, I find I NEED a weekend, and not just 5 hours where you're trying to de-stress from work, get life done, and get into bed to do it all again.

We have talked a bit about this. He feels insecure and self doubting because "I don't want to see him". I've tried telling him it's more that " I NEED my alone time". He always says that if I need time to myself, just say so. But the three times in 3 months I've taken him up on this in minor ways, delaying our meetups till the next morning, or by 2 hours.. he later freaks out over txt msg or otherwise.. and I feel an odd mix of guilty/bad/resentful and.. overwhelmed/frustrated.

Also, when we're not together.. he gets antsy if I'm not texting him. He hates his job and says my text brighten up his day.. once I didn't know what to write.. so I sent a funny definition of something.. and that still upset him.
Sorry.. that was long.

I just find it stressful to have someone needing so much time and energy from me all of a sudden. We went from 0 to 100% time together in.. 2 months really.
Um.. thoughts?
 

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You will probably never stop feeling the need for alone time. There's nothing wrong with that.
Some people need time alone, and some people hate time alone. If you are very different in this respect, this might not be a great relationship for you. You will end up feeling smothered, and he will feel ignored.
Sit him down and explain that sometimes you need space, and that has nothing to do with him or how you feel about him. If he's really not cool with that, it's probably time to move on. Better to deal with major personality differences early in the relationship!
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thanks all. One the one hand, yes it makes sense to bail. And while I don't want to "settle", I've been somewhere between whole and half-heartedly searching for 3 years before I found him. And on many levels, we work very well together and have a lot in common.

Also, no matter what the relationship, something will come up. So for now, I guess I'm looking for thoughts, comments, and perspectives that might help. I want to be sure I've given "us" a full chance.
 

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Maybe you could try establishing a time just for you, and see how he deals with it. Like, you want Saturday mornings off (or whenever works for you guys). He may be less likely to freak out over planned downtime, since he's expecting it and not seeing you "putting him off."
 

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For myself, this is one of my first ever true relationships. All others have been mostly long distance, lasting from 4 months to 2 years, often with 2-4 years in between. So yes. finally, at 35, this is my first relationship ....
Just want to clarify: Do you mean the first in-person relationship you've developed, as opposed to long-distance?

... At least 1 weekend per month I used just stay by myself daydreaming and zoning out.

I so far am finding him very needy. I've basically gone to having evenings and weekends all to myself if I want it that way, to only having Monday, Thursday and Friday nights, and half of Sunday. weeknights are usually shot with errands, making food, cleaning food, and then.. done. He comes over after work Friday around midnight, and then we're together until about 11 on Sunday when he leaves for work again, by which time I'm cleaning up the mess that's been made while he was here, preparing for the rest of the week.. and I still don't really relax.. and I"m so desperate for me time.
1. Spending time with a special someone is what a relationship is all about. How is that needy of him to want to spend time with you?

2. Introverts (like me) do need time to recharge their internal batteries, so I hear you on that one. However, have you sat him down and explained (in a non-confrontational way) that alone time is a requirement for you? that this requirement in no way is a reflection of how you feel personally about HIM?

To really de-stress, I find I NEED a weekend, and not just 5 hours where you're trying to de-stress from work, get life done, and get into bed to do it all again.
In other words, you need every weekend to yourself ... is that it? Sounds like you're not compatible with this guy on this point. He wants to spend time with you; you want to "decompress."

He always says that if I need time to myself, just say so. But the three times in 3 months I've taken him up on this in minor ways, delaying our meetups till the next morning, or by 2 hours.. he later freaks out over txt msg or otherwise.. and I feel an odd mix of guilty/bad/resentful and.. overwhelmed/frustrated.
I don't blame him for freaking out; this is passive-aggressive behavior from you, and I have a feeling he knows it. I suggest telling him that yes, I need more alone time.

Also, when we're not together.. he gets antsy if I'm not texting him. He hates his job and says my text brighten up his day.. once I didn't know what to write.. so I sent a funny definition of something.. and that still upset him.
Yeah, this would raise a red flag with me, also. You can't stand apart from me for eight hours of your day? NOT an attractive trait, to me.

I just find it stressful to have someone needing so much time and energy from me all of a sudden. We went from 0 to 100% time together in.. 2 months really.
1. Are you living together, or is he simply spending certain days at your place? If so, that's not 100% time together.

2. From where I sit, I suggest communicating your needs more clearly. If he's not okay with that, might be time to move on.
 

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Could you just explain to him that by Friday night you've run out of puff, and are exhausted, and you just want to go home and relax. You could meet up with him Saturday morning instead.

He does sound very needy...not an attractive trait.
 

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That would be way, way too much togetherness for me at 3 months of dating.

Veridy said:
I live alone, he lives with two female housemates, one a long time friend, one he barely speaks with.
Is this part of the reason he wants to spend so much time at your place? Is his place crowded and/or uncomfortable?

We are both introverts to some degree, him more so than I
If he's an introvert, it shouldn't be shocking to him that you need time to yourself. Imagine how uncomfortable he would be if you always had a crowd of friends stopping by all weekend, or always wanted him to go out each weekend with a group of your friends. I'll bet that would exhaust him, even though he has no problem with spending that time with just you.

Can you try to use that as an example when you talk with him?

We have talked a bit about this. He feels insecure and self doubting because "I don't want to see him"
Well, you should think long and hard about that. I moved in with my bf after 4 years of dating, and ran into this exact problem with him. Our apartment was big enough that we each had our own space to use as an office or whatever. I made my space my office/sitting room, and used it when I needed that recharging/daydreaming time.

He was never able to accept that I wasn't trying to get away from him when I went into my room, and that I just needed time to myself, and that those were two different concepts. That wasn't the only reason I moved out, but it was one of many related reasons having to do with incompatibility.

We went from 0 to 100% time together in.. 2 months really.
Yeah, that would be way, way too much for me, way too fast.

You probably needed to build up much more gradually to all this time together.

I think all you can do is establish your boundaries, and see what happens. He may get over being insecure when he realizes that you're much happier seeing him when it's not constant. Or he may never get over it.

But it's best to find out sooner rather than later if he can't deal with your need for alone time in the same way you can't deal with his need for lots of time together.
 

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"to only having Monday, Thursday and Friday nights, and half of Sunday"

Why exactly why do you want a relationship? Because to my math, you see him tuesday, wed, sat and 1/2 sunday. Which basically 1/2 your free time. If it's too much, then back the guy off. But longer term, what do you hope to get out of this. It sounds like you need a lot of time to yourself, and it may just be that your personal needs are incompatible with a relationship of any depth.
 

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It sounds like you need a lot of time to yourself, and it may just be that your personal needs are incompatible with a relationship of any depth.
I don't think that's fair. He's overwhelming her. With someone more compatible, she may be able to spend more time with him and still recharge, like Badsanta's earlier comment about someone being present, but still being at peace. I'm quite introverted, and that holds true for me.

Perhaps the quality time he's offering just isn't the type of quality that she needs.
 
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