Talk About Marriage banner
81 - 100 of 140 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,216 Posts
Discussion Starter · #81 ·
Damn @sunsetmist, we've got 3 dollar words flying all around this thread! I very much appreciate your input. As to your 'no reply needed' I strongly suspect that she has an extraordinarily high and extreme defensive reflex. As indicated, none of her previous 3 marriages went over 14 months. I confidently perhaps arrogantly deemed that I had the relationship tools to navigate those waters and make her feel safe, secure, and cherished. And I did ... perhaps too well based upon some of her stated reasons for feeling 'smothered'. I can't account for why she felt like she was the root of my happiness other than the fact that after 3 years together, we were already in uncharted relationship waters in terms of her experience.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,326 Posts
Maybe the statement about being the root of your happiness was specifically about your sexual needs? As in, she couldn’t cope with being the one responsible for meeting (or not meeting) those?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
297 Posts
At this point, she launched the 'none of my girlfriends have sex with their husbands you know, and when they do, its not because they want to'.
@Deejo, let me tell you a story of my brother in law, he is married for 20 years now, last year he confided with me about his wife didn't want sex, but she was doing it.

So one day he was working in the garden, cam in, and over heard his wife talking to a girl friend of hers, she said for almost 10 years she didn't really want sex!
My brother in law was surprised, because they have been having sexy 3 to 4 time a week, she never complained, it was really good, she was into it or it seems that it was difficult to know if she was faking it, he was confused!
That evening he confronted her about what he over heard, she came clean and said she really didn't want sex for the last ten years, but she was doing it for four main reasons:
  1. To feel the emotional connection, she told him, men feel love and connection through sex, and I want that connection with you,
  2. The satisfaction feeling she gets known she pleasured her husband.
  3. To fulfill his needs as a man, so he doesn't look else where.
  4. To keep the family intact.
They are still happily married, going strong, she started seeing a doctor about her issues with sex, but they still do it 3 to 4 times a week!
But get this, her friend on the phone was trying to convince her to stop having sex with her husband, because she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, and he has to accept it and respect it!
Her reply to her was very good and I liked it: My husband worked his a** off for us, for years, to provide for us, to give us every thing we need, to have such a great life style that we have, filled me and our kids with love and affection, and you want me to be selfish and deprive him with the most important thing that a man needs to feel loved and wanted?!!

My brother in law is gifted with a wonderful, smart, high quality woman, she understands the relationship dynamics between men and women, and knows how to sustain it, and keep it growing!
Not many women these days understands that or can do that, or even care about it!

You see, most (western) women feel entitled and selfish, extremely selfish, they don't want to sacrifice any thing if they don't feel like it, or do something they are not into it, it doesn't matter what you want or need, or if it benefits the relationship, they already know that men sacrifice a lot to keep the family together and provide for it, but when it comes to them, they don't care, they always take and never give, it's always about them and their needs above everyone else, and we all know how many women use sex as a blackmail weapon against their spouses: do this for me and I will give you some!
And god forbid if you get caught masturbating because you were deprived from sex, you are such a disrespect!
Their selfishness and entitlement has no limit!
That's the horror fact of the modern western women today!

There will always be Beta thirsty men, who don't do anything about it, who don't kick these selfish entitled women to the curb, because this is the best they can do, they are weak, doormats, spinless, get used, and get cheated on all the time, above all that they take their cheaters back, rinse and repeat!

However, because of this modern western women attitude, the new generation of high quality men (Alpha males) are staying away from marriage, and adopting this new culture of: pump and dump! They will never lock themselves down with these type of women and risk every thing they built!

I'm sorry @Deejo, but I do strongly believe that your wife is not a high quality women, and that's a picker problem you need to look into!

I hope I'm not offending you in any way, if I did, I do apologize, it's not my intent!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,216 Posts
Discussion Starter · #84 ·
Not offended. I'm not prepared to judge her quality either. The libido crash has a few possibilities; stress, depression, menopause (please keep in mind, she's 50, not 25) or just 'not that into me anymore'. Intercourse was extremely irritating to her. And even then for a time she was always up for alternatives. This is all a relatively recent, and precipitous event. She has been post menopausal for about 2 years. She hasn't had a period in over six years. Everything, her anxiety, distraction, and lack of interest in sex amped up during quarantine. Which previously I chalked up to her concern about her business, our health, the uncertainty of it all. But it also could have been her realization that was losing interest and investment in the relationship. I don't know. And frankly don't much care. If she chooses to eventually share that with me, great. If not, so be it.

I don't feel compelled to defend her decision to bolt without either letting me know, or being willing to at least try and resolve the issues.

Nor do I feel the need to rake her over the coals either. Did she like what I had to say? Absolutely not. Would she have respected me over the long term if I complied with her desire to abandon a romantic, sexual relationship? I don't think she would. And I certainly wouldn't respect myself.

I don't expect that she will marry again. I mean c'mon ... after 4 failures? But I certainly don't expect she will become a spinster either. She's fit, attractive, fun and can be a great partner, in a relationship far better suited to her needs than a marriage. For that matter I won't be doing this rodeo again either. There is absolutely no upside for me. Particularly on the financial front.

Another poster here indicated circumstances similar to your BIL. Women outside of the marriage trying to define and influence the course of theirs, particularly on the sexual front.
Your brother in-law's wife obviously values and respects him. Whether that is intrinsic to her, or a result of their relationship dynamic is always an interesting prospect. I know plenty of good men here, and women too ... who have been screwed over royally by their partners, or former partners. Nine months ago both myself and my wife would indicated that she loved and respected me. Lets face it, roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce, not all of those people have 'bad pickers'. But I would argue that 'bad circumstances' are inevitable in virtually every long term relationship. How both participants choose to handle those circumstances either makes, or breaks them as a couple.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,592 Posts
Long ago I worked with a woman who admitted that she was very easily bored once she was married. She was still in her twenties then — married a couple of years to her second husband and beginning to plan her exit. I was very surprised that she was so open about all of that but I don’t think she was unique. Some people chase newness like it’s a drug and for them maybe it is.
Yeah, and it's a shame they don't seem to realize (or maybe they just don't care) the havoc they leave in their wake.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,216 Posts
Discussion Starter · #88 ·
I hope you don't me checking-in, Deejo... just wondering how things are going with you?
I appreciate the check in @heartsbeating. Well ... 2020 is definitely a black comedy for me, and I'm sure lots of others. Less than a month after MR moved out, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I'm told worst case scenario is that I end up with a urostomy. We shall see. MR did not take the news well, and no doubt feels A LOT of guilt. I'm a pragmatist. The doctors aren't telling me to get my affairs in order, so I'm planning on being around for a while. We speak occasionally, and it's fine. No tears have been shed on my part, either regarding the demise of the marriage, or the diagnosis. No talk of reconciliation, given that she immediately got a dog, to which I and my son are highly allergic, and I got guns, to which she is highly allergic. Her stress level has not reduced any since making her choice. If anything it has escalated. She is forced to work less, due her daughter attending school remotely, which apparently is not going well for either of them. She is insisting on taking me to my appointments ... which I of course recognize, only adds more stress for her as she would neither be working, nor available to her daughter.

Despite all of this, my spirits are actually good. Work is busy, and they have been very understanding about my need to take unscheduled absences. My kids are doing great. I have not shared my diagnosis with them, as that would only create substantial concern where it is not now, and may never be warranted. Their only familiarity with cancer is that it killed their grandfather. We told them about MR's ocular melanoma (just about 3 years ago) after she was treated and in the clear.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,397 Posts
Sorry to hear the turn of health on top of all else... you will be in our thoughts.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ConanHub

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
I appreciate the check in @heartsbeating. Well ... 2020 is definitely a black comedy for me, and I'm sure lots of others. Less than a month after MR moved out, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I'm told worst case scenario is that I end up with a urostomy. We shall see. MR did not take the news well, and no doubt feels A LOT of guilt. I'm a pragmatist. The doctors aren't telling me to get my affairs in order, so I'm planning on being around for a while. We speak occasionally, and it's fine. No tears have been shed on my part, either regarding the demise of the marriage, or the diagnosis. No talk of reconciliation, given that she immediately got a dog, to which I and my son are highly allergic, and I got guns, to which she is highly allergic. Her stress level has not reduced any since making her choice. If anything it has escalated. She is forced to work less, due her daughter attending school remotely, which apparently is not going well for either of them. She is insisting on taking me to my appointments ... which I of course recognize, only adds more stress for her as she would neither be working, nor available to her daughter.

Despite all of this, my spirits are actually good. Work is busy, and they have been very understanding about my need to take unscheduled absences. My kids are doing great. I have not shared my diagnosis with them, as that would only create substantial concern where it is not now, and may never be warranted. Their only familiarity with cancer is that it killed their grandfather. We told them about MR's ocular melanoma (just about 3 years ago) after she was treated and in the clear.
my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer stage T3bG2 in 2012, yes he has urostomy but nearly 9 years on and he is doing really well, so i hope your outcome will be positive too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,529 Posts
I appreciate the check in @heartsbeating. Well ... 2020 is definitely a black comedy for me, and I'm sure lots of others. Less than a month after MR moved out, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I'm told worst case scenario is that I end up with a urostomy. We shall see. MR did not take the news well, and no doubt feels A LOT of guilt. I'm a pragmatist. The doctors aren't telling me to get my affairs in order, so I'm planning on being around for a while. We speak occasionally, and it's fine. No tears have been shed on my part, either regarding the demise of the marriage, or the diagnosis. No talk of reconciliation, given that she immediately got a dog, to which I and my son are highly allergic, and I got guns, to which she is highly allergic. Her stress level has not reduced any since making her choice. If anything it has escalated. She is forced to work less, due her daughter attending school remotely, which apparently is not going well for either of them. She is insisting on taking me to my appointments ... which I of course recognize, only adds more stress for her as she would neither be working, nor available to her daughter.

Despite all of this, my spirits are actually good. Work is busy, and they have been very understanding about my need to take unscheduled absences. My kids are doing great. I have not shared my diagnosis with them, as that would only create substantial concern where it is not now, and may never be warranted. Their only familiarity with cancer is that it killed their grandfather. We told them about MR's ocular melanoma (just about 3 years ago) after she was treated and in the clear.
I am sorry about the diagnosis, but you are right, the medical field got much better in treating cancer. I have several friends who enjoying their life cancer free after successful cancer surgeries
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,114 Posts
I know several males with bladder cancer. So sorry for yours, but glad your prognosis is positive. If I were your child, I would want to know, but you know them better than I.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,800 Posts
@Deejo ... at least you don’t have seagulls to deal with on top of everything else this year.


Glad to hear that you’re keeping on... although I still feel that 2020 can go do one. 😊
 
  • Like
Reactions: ConanHub

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
12,588 Posts
Damn, brother. That's a lot of **** coming at you in a year. I'm sorry to hear about it.

You mentioned how she felt in trying to take you to your appointments...but how do YOU feel about it?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,676 Posts
I appreciate the check in @heartsbeating. Well ... 2020 is definitely a black comedy for me, and I'm sure lots of others. Less than a month after MR moved out, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I'm told worst case scenario is that I end up with a urostomy. We shall see. MR did not take the news well, and no doubt feels A LOT of guilt. I'm a pragmatist. The doctors aren't telling me to get my affairs in order, so I'm planning on being around for a while. We speak occasionally, and it's fine. No tears have been shed on my part, either regarding the demise of the marriage, or the diagnosis. No talk of reconciliation, given that she immediately got a dog, to which I and my son are highly allergic, and I got guns, to which she is highly allergic. Her stress level has not reduced any since making her choice. If anything it has escalated. She is forced to work less, due her daughter attending school remotely, which apparently is not going well for either of them. She is insisting on taking me to my appointments ... which I of course recognize, only adds more stress for her as she would neither be working, nor available to her daughter.

Despite all of this, my spirits are actually good. Work is busy, and they have been very understanding about my need to take unscheduled absences. My kids are doing great. I have not shared my diagnosis with them, as that would only create substantial concern where it is not now, and may never be warranted. Their only familiarity with cancer is that it killed their grandfather. We told them about MR's ocular melanoma (just about 3 years ago) after she was treated and in the clear.
Holy moly! You are definitely a positive person.

I'm starting to think I should just spend every morning praying for everyone.

What an insane year and the hits just seem to keep coming!

I'm at least happy for your expanding firepower. My cousin has finally almost completed my AR. I should have it by Tuesday and I'm pretty happy about it.

I hope you are enjoying yours.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,216 Posts
Discussion Starter · #100 ·
Hey folks! First and hopefully last round of cancer treatment has taken place. Six week waiting period and then they will reevaluate the area to determine if the cancer is still active, or in remission.

Provided an open and honest disclosure to my kids, and I must have done something right, because they implicitly trust their old man. I answered their questions, and they are not fretting over whether or not their dad will be sticking around. All is good and calm.

My ex-wife (first for those following the play by play) had taken me to a few appointments, and we both looked at one another and laughed when they asked, "and what is the nature of your relationship?"

MR and I are going through mediation, amicably. I've secured refinancing and will be buying out her equity in the house. Again, a positive outcome on that front. I definitely would have gotten cranky if I had to deal with selling the house. If all goes well, I should be divorced; for the second time ... by the end of March. Certainly the outcome which once again, I am neither proud of, nor can say I desired.

Once the dust settles on the divorce and the pandemic, I'm looking forward to going to stay with friends who have retired just off of Lake Chapala in Mexico for a few weeks.

For my TAM friends who I was connected with on FB, my apologies, but I decided that I no longer wanted to be a 'product' for techno-culture, and I deleted my account.
 
81 - 100 of 140 Posts
Top