so many of you know our story about my infidelity. i was on the verge of giving up because BS was not stopping with his drinking but I realized how evil I've been to him from my actions over the past few months. i love him and wanted to do whatever he wanted to try and heal. today we had a really big set back. he went out to run errands and was gone for hours. I figured he needed some time to himself and didn't think anything of it. finally he comes home, very angry. i could tell immediately that he had been drinking heavily. Given our history with alcohol issues, I became very nervous but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. he comes in arguing but rightfully so because of the pain he is going through. then he grabs a knife. i became scared and asked him what was going on. he claimed it was to attack OM and he went outside to watch for OM (he is a neighbor). BS came back in with the knife and was yelling at me and saying I should suffer. I became scared and when he went back outside, I locked the door. Perhaps that was the worst thing I could have done. He immediately became enraged, kicked the door in which fell on me and knocked me to the ground giving me a huge bump on my head. He then hovered over me telling me that I deserve to suffer for all the bad things I've done which I do know is true. When things were not calming down I asked him to leave because he was drunk and the kids were getting scared. He refused and he was becoming belligerent. I let him know that if he didn't stop I'd be forced to call 911 because I was in fear for our safety. He didn't stop so I picked up the phone to call. He immediately grabbed the phone and took out the wires. I reached for my cell phone and he took that from me too. I became scared and ran for the stairs. He ran after me and so did our two oldest kids (4 & 2). He caught me at the stairs and he put his body weight on me so i couldnt move. He was yelling at me and I was trying to wiggle away. The kids at this point were crying and screaming no no no which is freaking horrible for them. I managed to run down the stairs and attempt to plug the phone back in to call for help. He got to me first and broke the phone wire. At this point he was so angry I was terrified. I ran to our neighbors house across the hallway and knocked on her door. Our two oldest kids followed (baby was asleep in his crib) and we sought refuge in my neighbors house while I called 911. The cops came, took one look at the broken door, the welt on my head and they arrested him. I let them know the situation about my infidelity and let them know I caused all these problems but didn't know how to deal with them. I honestly don't know what to do. I hate myself for all the damage I've caused and don't know what I should do. I've ruined all our lives and have no way to make anything better. I'm not sure what my point is for posting on here. You guys are the few ppl who would understand what BS and I are going through. I really hate myself right now.