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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
so many of you know our story about my infidelity. i was on the verge of giving up because BS was not stopping with his drinking but I realized how evil I've been to him from my actions over the past few months. i love him and wanted to do whatever he wanted to try and heal. today we had a really big set back. he went out to run errands and was gone for hours. I figured he needed some time to himself and didn't think anything of it. finally he comes home, very angry. i could tell immediately that he had been drinking heavily. Given our history with alcohol issues, I became very nervous but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. he comes in arguing but rightfully so because of the pain he is going through. then he grabs a knife. i became scared and asked him what was going on. he claimed it was to attack OM and he went outside to watch for OM (he is a neighbor). BS came back in with the knife and was yelling at me and saying I should suffer. I became scared and when he went back outside, I locked the door. Perhaps that was the worst thing I could have done. He immediately became enraged, kicked the door in which fell on me and knocked me to the ground giving me a huge bump on my head. He then hovered over me telling me that I deserve to suffer for all the bad things I've done which I do know is true. When things were not calming down I asked him to leave because he was drunk and the kids were getting scared. He refused and he was becoming belligerent. I let him know that if he didn't stop I'd be forced to call 911 because I was in fear for our safety. He didn't stop so I picked up the phone to call. He immediately grabbed the phone and took out the wires. I reached for my cell phone and he took that from me too. I became scared and ran for the stairs. He ran after me and so did our two oldest kids (4 & 2). He caught me at the stairs and he put his body weight on me so i couldnt move. He was yelling at me and I was trying to wiggle away. The kids at this point were crying and screaming no no no which is freaking horrible for them. I managed to run down the stairs and attempt to plug the phone back in to call for help. He got to me first and broke the phone wire. At this point he was so angry I was terrified. I ran to our neighbors house across the hallway and knocked on her door. Our two oldest kids followed (baby was asleep in his crib) and we sought refuge in my neighbors house while I called 911. The cops came, took one look at the broken door, the welt on my head and they arrested him. I let them know the situation about my infidelity and let them know I caused all these problems but didn't know how to deal with them. I honestly don't know what to do. I hate myself for all the damage I've caused and don't know what I should do. I've ruined all our lives and have no way to make anything better. I'm not sure what my point is for posting on here. You guys are the few ppl who would understand what BS and I are going through. I really hate myself right now.
 

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Yikes!!!

Well, im not surprised he had a fit of rage. I had one myself. But he was drinking and took that wayyyyy too far. Someone could have been seriously injured or killed. No one deserves that, even though you did set this ball in motion, this latest activity is not your fault. Just like you are responsible for what you did, he is responsible for what he did.

I can only recommend that the two of you not live under the same roof, and that he gets counseling immediately! This is a bad situation and im really at a loss for anything else to say, other than i feel really bad for your children, they are the innocent ones.
 

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Oh sh!t. You did the right thing. There is NO excuse for this...period! You need to go as soon as you can and get a restraining order. This is completely unacceptable on any level, but to do this in front of his kids is just........I don't have the words.

What exactly was he arrested for?

So sorry you're going through this.
 
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Someones going to jail. Wow, you might have cheated but he could have killed you in his rage. He needs serious help with his drinking and anger.
 

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That is not right for anyone to do. Your husband was in the wrong.

FYI

Did you know that your "crime" was punishable by death through lapidation?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
he is in jail now on christmas eve and i feel like ****. its all my fault that we were even in this situation in the first place. not sure what to do. i was so scared and he was enraged. the entire situation just sucks. thankfully my neighbor watched the kids while he was taken away and i talked to the cops. as horrible of a person as i am for what i did, i just hate this stuff going on in front of the kids. your right, they are innocent and dont deserve any of this. im trying to pretend things are as normal as possible and planning to wrap presents and do the whole santa thing alone again this year. we were alone last year because of fighting over his drinking before I did my cheating. so its semi-normal for them i suppose. i just dont know what to do. do i get a restraining order. to i let him back in to show him that i love him and i want to help him. i just dont know what is right since i've already f'ed things up to the fullest.
 

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You need professional advice. Your H is Cold World, right? I know he's been grappling with the drinking. Has he been sober until now? Have you been going to counseling?

He needs a lawyer for himself. Does he have one? What about family to help?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
yup...cold world. we have been going to mc and ive been doing ic but bs refused treatment for drinking saying he could stop on his own. our mc actually said he would stop seeing us if bs didnt stop drinking. bs insisted that he could have a few drinks and stop but apparently that wasnt the case today. if he doesnt get help, i dont want to R. i know that sounds evil but i cant let the kids experience that and ive been so unhappy for so long. i honestly dont know what to do. i f'ed up so bad and cant do anything right now. things were bad before but my A took it to a whole new level of bad.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
neither of us have family around here or legal help at this point. im thinking we will both need to explore those options. the police were just here to let me know that he is most likely posting bail tonight but won't be allowed back here for the night. not sure what to do if he decides to come here tomorrow. when he is sober, he is a totally different person. part of me wants to just leave him for good like i should have done before my A and part of me wants to try and make things better. i just dont know what is the right thing to do.
 

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The right thing to do FOR now is to keep him away from your children. Until he can demonstrate that he is clean and sober for a given period of time. That is the right thing to do. Protect the children at any cost.
 

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let's get something straight here. you totally f*cked up by cheating on your husband; but with your neighbor? well..... that's just the sh1tt1est.


with all that being said, it was obvious from the start your husband wasn't gonna be able to contain his anger/rage for this POS. i mean seriously, the mofo lives next door! this man is a constant trigger for him. his drinking only makes matters worse.

mind you, i am not condoning his actions, but this situation was gonna come to a head sometime.


now, to my point..... sometimes the affair is a TOTAL DEALBREAKER! i think this is the case here. he's just not gonna get ovet it.....especially living next door to this d0uchebag.
 

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Yes, first get sober. Then talk, preferably with some professional help. You need a real plan to 1) commit to sobriety, and 2) decide whether you are going to try to reconcile. If you decide to try R, then you must have an agreed upon plan.
 

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let's get something straight here. you totally f*cked up by cheating on your husband; but with your neighbor? well..... that's just the sh1tt1est.


with all that being said, it was obvious from the start your husband wasn't gonna be able to contain his anger/rage for this POS. i mean seriously, the mofo lives next door! this man is a constant trigger for him. his drinking only makes matters worse.

mind you, i am not condoning his actions, but this situation was gonna come to a head sometime.


now, to my point..... sometimes the affair is a TOTAL DEALBREAKER! i think this is the case here. he's just not gonna get ovet it.....especially living next door to this d0uchebag.
Exactly. Turn it around on yourself and picture your husband getting his jollies off with a woman you know that lives right next door.

I believe the cheating has probably even exacerbated his drinking. Sigh, I feel sorry for your children and your husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
your totally right. we had wanted to r and we were preparing for our condo to go on the market for jan 4 to remove the constant trigger. it didnt come soon enough. i feel horrible for all the pain ive caused him. i really do and thats why im on this board looking for any kind of advice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
we have been doing couples therapy since the cheating first came out. we both understood it would take a long time to heal if he ever did fully heal. i ruined him and now dont know how to handle it. plus the counselor said he wouldnt see us if the drinking didnt stop. we felt kind of abandoned and begged for our last appt. the counselor because nervous because of violence issues i guess.
 

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Take the focus off of yourself. This is the sort of behaviour that got you to this point.

Put the focus on your children and come up with a plan to protect them from anymore scenes like they were witness to tonight.

Thats all i can offer you.

The rest is up to you.
 
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