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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Do I give it to him or will it make things worse?

Dear...,

I am disappointed…I am disappointed in our life together. I’m disappointed in our friendship AND our marriage. This is not the life I thought I would have when I married you. I realize you are not solely at fault. I know I have played a big part in getting us to where we are now but never the less…I am disappointed. I often feel lonely, sad, angry, frustrated and without hope when I think about what we have become. Our loveless, sexless marriage has affected all aspects of my life and I don’t know how much longer I can live this lie. The lack of money, the enormous stress, the constant fighting has worn me down that I feel I am a shell of my former self. I miss who I used to be. And for that matter, I miss who YOU used to be. You have become an angry, unhappy, drug addicted alcoholic who sits on the couch and lets life pass him by. I don’t know why you have let this happen to yourself…why you lost all your fight. You gave up on us a long time ago and I continued to try to fight for us by myself. You say you will try but it lasts for one day and then you sink back into your pit and give up again.

Lately, I also have ceased to try. I also have given up on us. I feel that we will never make it and that every day I am living a lie. I try very hard most days, putting on a smile and happy face as much as I can for our girls, but the bitterness, anger and disappointment so often take over that I fear I can no longer continue to do that. I worry about what will happen to us, to me and the girls. I fear I am stuck here indefinitely as I have not pursued a career for myself therefor cannot support me and the kids and am reliant on you to help us.

I still love you, I do…in spite of everything, I love the thought of who we used to be and I can’t seem to give up on the hope that we will someday get back there but that picture of us 8 years ago when we got married is fading from my memory and from my heart. I want our life and our marriage but I want a version of it that doesn’t exist. I want a version where we love each other without the constant conflict, without the constant struggle and without the feelings of inadequacy that have taken me over. I want a marriage where I feel like I am with my best friend and not an enemy. I want a marriage where I am given love and affection freely and want to give it back in return. I fear we are too lost and too far away from that to ever go back.
 

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I don't know if would make things worse, but it may not make it better either.

What are you expecting here? What have you told him in this letter that you haven't told him already?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I don't really know what I am expecting.

Maybe for him to sit up and take notice of how much I am hurting? He never expresses any feelings (good, bad or otherwise) to me and I guess I am hoping it will prompt a change...but I am afraid he will just walk away like he always does...
 

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This letter puts a lot of pressure on your husband, comes across as if he could put in all the effort in the world and it might not be enough, and makes things sound hopeless.

If you are trying to cause a reaction within him, why not just tell him you are unhappy and what you are going to start doing about it today. Ask him to join you. Tell him you still have hope for a bright future and how you can both achieve it if you both work hard.
 

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Ten year hubby has the right idea. It's difficult to work things out with a person that uses. They have to see it as a problem that contributes to the other things that are going on.
 

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I know I have played a big part in getting us to where we are now but never the less…I am disappointed.
See the "but" part then more elaborating on how its not you ?If you are a "big part" then why are you writing to him?Change your "big part"..
 

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If my wife handed me that letter, I think I would take it as a request for a divorce because of the last sentence where you basically say you feel that it is too far gone to come back.

You give him no hope.

You say what you what kind of marriage you wan,t but then say that you feel it is not possible.
 

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I don't really know what I am expecting.

Maybe for him to sit up and take notice of how much I am hurting? He never expresses any feelings (good, bad or otherwise) to me and I guess I am hoping it will prompt a change...but I am afraid he will just walk away like he always does...
I say go ahead and give it to him. Sounds like things are low enough that it probably wont make them worse. Many times, people will tune you out if you talk, they can actually absorb something better if it is written out for them. If he just walks away after he reads it, or if he doesnt read it at all, then you have your answer.
 

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Basically its failed(including and mainly you failed me) but it will be a hard mountain to climb even if you tried to recover the marriage..

Love faith and hope...but the greatest of these is love doesn't mean hope is of no importance..
 

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I say go ahead and give it to him. Sounds like things are low enough that it probably wont make them worse. Many times, people will tune you out if you talk, they can actually absorb something better if it is written out for them. If he just walks away after he reads it, or if he doesnt read it at all, then you have your answer.
If he "always " walks away then sure give him the letter.Since he always does that if after the letter then what?
 

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If this is how you really feel then you should let him know. You cannot keep living with the feelings you are having and expect to have a happy life.

However, when I was drinking and drugging, if I received a letter like this from my wife I would have shut down completely and drank/drugged myself half to death.

I think the beast approach would be to let him know how you feel and tell him that he needs to make drastic changes such as find a support group and get some PC. You need to also set a time line so that he knows that if he does not do X, Y, and Z by this date that he needs to find a another place to live because his life style is not healthy for the children.
 

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I agree that I would feel attacked if you gave me that letter.

I suggest you revisit much of your wording and reframe it to focus purely on how you feel. Leave out all the disappointed stuff.

A statement such as this:

I know I have played a big part in getting us to where we are now but never the less…I am disappointed

is a great example of how "but" is the most destructive word in the english language.

And regarding your marriage...what have you done to try to make things better?

I suggest you head out and pick up a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melonie Beattie.
 

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Do you have any hope for the marriage at all? Or are you working up to making your exit?

Just because you're not a career person, that does not mean you can't get a job, and you'll get child support, assuming your husband works (?)

If you think there is still hope, it seems to me the addictions need to be dealt with before anything else is even worth mentioning. I would give him an ultimatum to go to treatment by such-and-such date, or you will have to separate.

The addictions would be the ultimate deal breaker for me. I could absolutely not live with that.
 

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I say go ahead and give it to him. Sounds like things are low enough that it probably wont make them worse. Many times, people will tune you out if you talk, they can actually absorb something better if it is written out for them. If he just walks away after he reads it, or if he doesnt read it at all, then you have your answer.
I like this advice. I also will say that when I first talk with people I ask them if there is any substance abuse. If they say yes, I stop right there and advise professional help. You cant work out or work through anything with one or both parties who have an addiction. That must be fixed first before any real progress can be made on fine tuning a relationship. It will always be in the way if not taken care of first.
 
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