[cenettix]

Been together for seven months. We are currently living together. We had some jealousy issues early in the relationship as a result of my insecurities however as we progressed I've learned to trust my partner. I trust and love her deeply. We are both in our mid thirties and I like her to be the one. We're wonderfully happy when everything is fine. We have great communication and intimacy, everything seems to be prefect. Until, she accuses me of checking out other women. All communication seems to come to an halt. We fight like cat and dog for no reason for days.

The problem is that I am not checking out anyone. I am a visual person and I like to be aware of my surroundings. I look at guys, girls, cats, dogs. And sometimes I space out and don't even see what's in front of me, especially when I am stressed out.

9 out of 10 times, I don't even remember the women she accuses me of checking out. I look at people and all I see is bunch of people. But if there is a "good looking" woman among those people, she will accuse me of looking at her. And she claims I am disrespecting her. It started with beautiful women, now it's old, young, good looking, not-so good looking. Apparently I am looking at ALL women without any discrimination ?

First I thought I could deal with it and make her see that I love her very much, she is the only woman I want. I've been complimenting her all the time, telling her how beautiful I think she is, telling her how much I love her. But nothing seems to work.

Every time we go out, we have a fight. If I look at any "female" twice, she'll shut down and get upset. This will ruin our day. I don't know what to do at this point. This is giving me extreme anxiety. I can't even look around, I keep my eyes down or up and avoid any "eye contact" with any woman at all costs as I know it will cause a fight. I don't think I can live like this. I just can't take it anymore. All my friends and family are telling me to end it as it won't get any better. And I shouldn't even think about marriage at this point. The problem is that I love her very much.

I suggested counseling, she got upset and told me that I am the one with a problem because I am the one 'looking'. I asked her to let me know as soon as she sees me 'looking' at some other woman, so that I'll know what and who she's talking about, but then she doesn't seem to do that either - she shuts down and gets angry, and as a result I get angry - and we fight. I pretty much tried everything nothing is working.

As a last resort, I am posting this. Thank you for reading and I appreciate any help.

 

[Jessie20]

If you are being honest in saying you are not checking out other women then I would say you are trying to fix a problem that isn't yours, but effects you none the less.

Sounds like your partner has confidence issues, and maybe thinks that these 'other women' are better looking, which I am sure they are not. Or, she needs constant reassurance that you think she is beautiful etc.

She needs to sort the problem out. You can't make people think or feel a certain way, only they can do that.

Seven months is early days in a relationship, so maybe you need to have another talk and explain how her behaviour is making you feel. If things don't improve it may end up ruining what sounds like a potentially good relationship! Hope things improve for you.

 

[johnnycomelately]

Poke your eyes out and you guys will get on fine.

 

[cenettix]

If you are being honest in saying you are not checking out other women then I would say you are trying to fix a problem that isn't yours, but effects you none the less.

Thank you for your reply. That's the part that makes me upset the most. Being accused of something I didn't do. "Checking out" means that I am somehow, someway interested in these women. Something about them caught my interest. And I have no problem admitting that I looked if that was the case.

Here is an example. We walk into a restaurant. Hostess leads us to the dining area. We're following her. As we walk by the bar area, I look around to see who/what kind of people sitting at the bar. It's that innocent. I didn't pay attention to any woman or man or one particular person. Just saw bunch of people sitting at the bar and it took a second because we were following the hostess. Well, to my luck she claims there was a "hot" blonde sitting at the bar (with another guy) and I was looking at her. I didn't even see any blondes or brunettes because I didn't even pay attention to any women sitting at the bar. Well, that one second look caused us a three day fight.

And I'd rather keep my eyes and sanity though. I just like to see if anyone had to deal with anything like this before. Is it fixable or time to pull the plug before it gets worse ?

 

[OnTheRocks]

RUN

 

[Mistys dad]

Classic sh!t test behavior.

She is only looking to twist you up in drama, followed by the begging of forgiveness upon her altar. Forgiveness will never come and your begging will only make you look weak to her.

Stop playing that game.

Next time she accuses you say "Oh yea, but come on, she was hot!" Then stand tall and carry on with what you were doing, with or without her. Let her be pissed off all by herself.

Stop responding to her sh!t tests.

 

[tm84]

I think that you are in for one hell of a rough ride if you continue with this relationship. There is no way that you will be happy because she is basically demanding that you don't look at anyone and that's completely unreasonable, as you already know.

There is no way in hell that I'd put up with someone trying to be so controlling of my behavior and expect that I'd stick around. She needs serious counseling help for whatever issues she has, whether it be abandoment, low self-esteem, or whatever. You need to find your way out of this situation because, from what you wrote, it's not going to get any better unless she's willing to take responsibility for what seems to be pretty crappy behavior. No amount of explaining, nor pleading is going to satisfy her. You're wasting your time, let it go.

 

[Uptown]

Cenettix, welcome to TAM. I agree with the other posters. As MystysDad explains, this behavior is called "sh!t testing." It reflects a strong fear of abandonment. Because that fear is so great, the person engages in the very controlling behavior you are seeing. My exW started out the same way, criticizing me every time I looked at another woman. She would start a fight whenever I glanced at someone for a second instead of a half-second.

But that is only the beginning. If you manage to pass her first sh!t test, she will simply replace it with another hoop you must jump through to prove your love. Each time, she will keep raising the hoop higher and higher. She likely does this because she is filled with self loathing and does not love herself. Until she learns how to do that, she cannot believe you can love her either. This means that, the harder you try to prove your love and the more sacrifices you make, the more insistent she will become that you do not really love her.

Because my exW suffers from BPD traits, I suggest you read about them so you know what red flags to be looking for, in case they appear. When a person has strong BPD traits, these traits typically disappear for 3 to 6 months during the courtship period because her infatuation over you holds her fears at bay. As the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, the fears return -- causing the traits to show themselves.

Importantly, you cannot diagnose BPD in anyone. Only professionals can determine whether most of the BPD traits are so severe and persistent that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria. Spotting the red flags, however, is not difficult because there is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, controlling behavior, and irrational jealousy.

An easy place to start reading is my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Cenettix.

 

[Emerald]

Good grief - walking with your eyes down, fighting every time you go out....ridiculous.

If you love her so much than give her one chance to go to therapy to deal with her phobia/anxiety/jealousy/insecurity to fix this or you are gone.

Show her this thread for 3rd party, unbiased anonymous opinions.

 

[Machiavelli]

Here is an example. We walk into a restaurant. Hostess leads us to the dining area. We're following her. As we walk by the bar area, I look around to see who/what kind of people sitting at the bar. It's that innocent. I didn't pay attention to any woman or man or one particular person. Just saw bunch of people sitting at the bar and it took a second because we were following the hostess. Well, to my luck she claims there was a "hot" blonde sitting at the bar (with another guy) and I was looking at her. I didn't even see any blondes or brunettes because I didn't even pay attention to any women sitting at the bar. Well, that one second look caused us a three day fight.

The correct response to this sh!t test is to "agree and amplify" as the gurus say these days. When she says "you were checking out that hot blonde sitting at the bar" you say, "Yeah, I thought she was that German girl I used to date who had her pubic hair in long blonde braids." Or something equally ridiculous that casts you as a mighty sex god involved somehow with that woman. Even if she gets pissed, she should defuse her initial indignation and shortly thereafter express affection and attraction in your direction. If that fails to happen and the anger continues, say "let me help you pack your stuff."

 

[moxy]

You could say, "Hmm, was there someone there? I only have eyes for you. You know what would be even hotter? If you tune out that stuff and we go make out for a few minutes." She might just be insecure and fishing for compliments. Give her a few empty ones with an invitation to connect. Maybe she will realize how silly she is being when you've instigated a bunch of kissing every time she acts like that? I don't know if that would work, but it seems to work with kids -- saying "Oh, that kid has something cool? But, look, I'm going to give you something cooler, so don't worry about it." And, eventually, they just believe they get the prize in the end anyhow and stop being jealous.

Maybe you could have a buddy go and video tape you from a reasonable distance the next time you go somewhere and see what it looks like from the outside. It might not be jealousy at all but just that she is wanting you to pay attention to her for a moment. Or, maybe you are unintentionally doing something that looks like ogling. She seems to be reacting pretty strongly. Either you're not aware of your demeanor or she is very insecure and needy. By watching the video together and talking about it objectively, you might be able to help put it in perspective for her or she for you, just to get to the bottom of her problem and objection.

You could simply demand that she see a marriage counselor with you about this or you will consider leaving. If she really is insecure, she will probably make an effort to deal with it. If she isn't and she's just jealous, you might be saving yourself a lot of trouble with someone who doesn't know how to chill out.

Somewhat related question...do you compliment her? Do you flirt with her? Do you kiss her often? Do you guys get a lot of sex? It might just be that she wants more physical intimacy and has assumed she isn't getting it because you're checking out other women and not rating her high enough against them. Maybe she is just not getting enough of that. Ask her when you're not fighting if she feels you guys are doing it enough.

I know that cheaters often accuse spouses of jealousy, too. You're sure she's not talking to someone on the side, right?

 

[67flh]

cenettix,if my wife wasn't married to me i would swear your dating her..about the only one i haven't been acussed of tring to bed is my mom...like you i'm a looker,and like to know,who,what,and where..only solution i can give you is---RUN or you will have drama all your married life.

 

[zookeeper]

This is the tip of the iceberg.

She is only with you seven months. If she has such deep-seated insecurity that she is reacting like this now you don't want to know what it will be like when she feels even more vulnerable. I'm not saying to dump her, but understand that the odds are stacked high against you. Particularly since she refuses counseling.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Middle-aged woman with a teen-aged daughter telling you

RUN LIKE HELL!

All this drama, all these endless multi-day-long FIGHTS over what? You looked. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. Sounds like friggin' high school, NOT adults dating.

Really? Is THIS what your relationship has come down to? She needs to grow the h*ll up; she is INCREDIBLY immature and INCREDIBLY insecure.

It is NEVER going to end. There will NEVER be enough attention. There will NEVER be enough compliments. There will NEVER be enough love.

Can you imagine her pregnant? Or slightly overweight? Or middle-aged (horror of horrors!!)? Can you imagine your little children (7,8,9 years old) having to listen to and watch this bullcorn? Can you imagine your pre-teen and teenage daughters watching this kind of ridiculous, babyish drama...and soaking it all up?!?

Is *THIS* the kind of woman you would HONESTLY CHOOSE as the ONLY mother for your children? Stop thinking of her as your future wife for a minute and think of her as the ONLY MOTHER YOUR CHILDREN WILL HAVE. Is this the kind of mature, loving, adult, responsible person you want to teach them love, acceptance, values throughout their lives?

It's not what *I* would choose! Waaaaay too much drama!

 

[Desperate_Housewife]

Yes, we women are insecure. Now add that fact that we know men have a roving eye... and VOILA! lol. Yeah, sucks to be you.

Maybe her insecurities are hightened by a previous boyfriend who cheated on her? Old baggage is tough to discard.

 

[OnTheRocks]

Not all women are insecure, at least from what I can tell. As long as they don't act like a dog under a buffet table, or go around flirting, who cares who your partner chooses to look at in a room full of people? Pretty women and other interesting sights are much more enjoyable to look at than the carpet.

Also, being cheated on is not a viable excuse for insecurity. It can and probably should cause one to be vigilant and clear with their partner about their boundaries, but insecurity is a serious weakness that one should strive to overcome.

 

[Poet]

A lot of us guys can't help looking. Sometimes we don't notice it and it means nothing. The main thing is not to belittle her fears - they are very serious to her.

Humour can really help in these situations but if you decieve her in any way she will feel it and keep harassing you increasingly.

This turns in to harboured resentment and the massive snowball hits you in the face many years down the line.

Be a real man and don't accept this behaviour, but on the other hand be a man and make sure you are taking care of your woman's emotional needs. If you don't feel strongly enough to do that, then she is not the right woman for you.

 

[gbrad]

You need to make sure she understands that it is not you, you are man that checks out women. Common place. And she is a woman who should naturally check out men. That is just life, if she is too jealous to handle that, step off and move on.

 

[oldgeezer]

The accusations are of events and actions that occurred ONLY IN HER MIND. This is not something you can fix, or alleviate, or even do anything about.

If there's anything you can do, it would be to do this: The next time she says you're checking out someone... Ask here "why do you think that?" You need to have a very calm discussion (she may not be, but you can be). I think it's important for you to know how she's coming up with this, and perhaps even she might see it's purely imaginary. If she refuses to ever do anything but accuse, I'd say you need to find her professional help...but you also need to just leave. Not only is she turning your life into hell, but she's dragging herself into it with you. She needs to get the bottom of whatever this behavior is about, and needs to work on it, because whatever it is, is going to be, if not already, bringing misery and failure to everything else in her life.

 

[Jackie1607]

I am a woman, and I sometimes notice my boyfriend looks at other women. He is a very visual person, so not only women, he also looks at anything. Once he looked at some passer-by's toenails and said to me, "Did you see his crooked toenails?" I was surprised. Lol. So it is not unusual that I find him looking at other women.

Last Sunday, while he was driving a car with me, I saw a woman in flashy clothes walking at the sidewalk. As we passed by her, I noticed my boyfriend looked into the side mirror to look at the woman. Then at the corner he was supposed to turn, he missed it. He was checking at the woman and then missed the corner!

What did I do? I didn't say anything. I knew he was checking out the woman, but I tried not to realize it. He then said to me, "I was looking at you and missed the street!" I didn't like him lying, so what I did was that I looked at other men instead. Lol. But no fighting

Once I saw my boyfriend's face literally blush when he saw a beautiful European girl in front of us. I also thought she was gorgeous. But honestly, I was a bit hurt when I saw him blush. But what can I do? Recognizing someone's beauty doesn't mean cheating. I even got instantly attracted at the girl's beautiful face, so should anyone.

I am by no means confident (plain and small boobs), but my boyfriend is the sweetest and kindest man on earth. So I am ok with him just looking at other women. I don't appreciate it, but at least I do not get into a fight with him because of it.

So let your girlfriend read my posting. Getting angry unnecessarily is no fun.