Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
21 - 30 of 30 Posts
I have been reading into this subject, since I have separated from my H because of infidelity and abuse...
When I began to seek help for childhood abuse like you I needed answers. I needed to define this so I could understand it. I totally get where you're going with this.

After much research I concluded my dad had NPD and my mom was an adult child of an alcoholic. They were both codependent. I've read many books on this subject and it just fits. It explained everything.
 
Discussion starter · #22 ·
When I began to seek help for childhood abuse like you I needed answers. I needed to define this so I could understand it. I totally get where you're going with this.

After much research I concluded my dad had NPD and my mom was an adult child of an alcoholic. They were both codependent. I've read many books on this subject and it just fits. It explained everything.
As I said also, for one IC to say I was, and one say I wasn't, I was just curious about it.

I understand it was my fault in staying, the abuse started so slow, I didn't recognize it.. yes I took it,, the only thing that woke me up was his cheating.

They talk about the Stockholm syndrome, and so many women actually fear for their lives, as to why they don't leave. . An abuser is so smooth and manipulative, controlling, etc. that the abused doesn't know how to leave.

And as an earlier statement was made,, I did not ask for his abuse.. and I didn't stay just for money or what he did for me.. Call me stupid, but it didn't even click that it was abuse. He wasn't hitting me, so it wasn't abuse.....

I was just looking into different views,,, I wasn't meaning to cause a who's right , who's wrong debate...
 
Discussion starter · #23 ·
I found the article very strange to say the least. And the responses to it. I would classify the author (and those who responded to it) as having victim personalities.

The ultimate boundary against an abuser is absolute and total No Contact. Stay in contact, it’s guaranteed you’ll get abused.

Stay with the abuser then you do so because you want the things they provide you with. In that way you enable your own abuse. If you didn’t value or want what the abuser provided you’d have been long gone.
This is why my IC told me to do a 30 day "blackout",, No contact. She compared this to people going through rehab,, said that for the first 30 days to 6 weeks, they are not allowed any outside contact.
 
I read in a book that 98% of us are codependent and I believe it now that I know what I know.

Abuse isn't always so clear cut (like being hit). Sometime it is as you say "subtle". That's the most vicious kind of abuse in my opinion. Until you get that wake up call or someone points it out you just don't know. You accept it all as normal because it's all you know.

Also remember you married a narcissist and they are the nastiest kind of abusers. They invented subtle. They can make you feel like it's ALL your fault and that you're the abusive one.
 
Discussion starter · #25 ·
I read in a book that 98% of us are codependent and I believe it now that I know what I know.

Abuse isn't always so clear cut (like being hit). Sometime it is as you say "subtle". That's the most vicious kind of abuse in my opinion. Until you get that wake up call or someone points it out you just don't know. You accept it all as normal because it's all you know.

Also remember you married a narcissist and they are the nastiest kind of abusers. They invented subtle. They can make you feel like it's ALL your fault and that you're the abusive one.
And I'm not saying I'm not Codependent,, I'm just curious as to the labeling that as a codependent, you asked to be in a toxic relationship.. that it can't be just because your spouse turns out to be a "bad seed",,,,with no red flags at the beginning to recognize...
It's an automatic conclusion that the "codie" is more to blame than the abuser... that's the part that bothers me.
 
And I'm not saying I'm not Codependent,, I'm just curious as to the labeling that as a codependent, you asked to be in a toxic relationship.. that it can't be just because your spouse turns out to be a "bad seed",,,,with no red flags at the beginning to recognize...
It's an automatic conclusion that the "codie" is more to blame than the abuser... that's the part that bothers me.
My friend just divorced a narcissist. My hairdresser too. Neither women had any clue.

Remember narcissists are very charming and witty. They are master manipulators. Everyone loves them and they have NO idea what they are like behind closed doors.
 
Discussion starter · #27 ·
My friend just divorced a narcissist. My hairdresser too. Neither women had any clue.

Remember narcissists are very charming and witty. They are master manipulators. Everyone loves them and they have NO idea what they are like behind closed doors.
That's so true, everyone thought we had the perfect marriage, they had no idea what went on behind these 4 walls.

I don't hear from his family or friends... I am sure he has told them "his" story, and getting their sympathy that I'm not giving him a second chance.
 
Thought I'd jump into this lively and enlightened conversation. I've written a lot on codependency, including "Codependency for Dummies." My personal and professional experience is that as has been said someone who stays in an abusive relationship is more than likely codependent, but I'd like to add that there are many codependents in relationships where there is NO abuse. They may even be content in the relationship. Usually, however, there are intimacy issues. Major symptoms of codependency are low self-esteem, control, denial, and dysfunctional boundaries and communication. My definition of a codependent is someone who can't function from their innate self, but whose behavior and thinking revolves around a substance, process, or other person(s). Addicts and most abusers fit into this category, too. There's a lot of information and blogs on my website, What Is Codependency? Codependency Symptoms and Recovery by Darlene Lancer, MFT. Hope this helps.
 
I don't know a lot about codependency, but I do feel that not everyone who tries to be helpful to others is 100% codependent, even if they remain in a not so good situation. If thats the case, doctors,teachers, counselors,and others who offer help of the world would be codependent too.

I had a friend who lived with an alcoholic. He got help from AA, and she went to meetings and read books on codependency. And while some books, people and meetings will lead others to believe they are in fact completley codependent, I don't think thats always the case. For my friend she found some of the things that were mentioned about codependency actually did not apply to her.

Maybe all of us are a little codependent to a degree. Maybe its more about how some people enter into a relationship with a low since of self worth to begin with, and there are some people who develop a low since of self worth from living with another person who shatters another persons self worth from their behaviors. I guess all people enable others at some point. Just my 2 cents.
 
I agree with the article. Some people enter into the relationship feeling the way most co-dependent people do.

Others enter into the relationship and evolve into that co-dependent role over time.

And still others 'act' co-dependent as a means of survival until the practical issues can be resolved.

In my abusive relationship with an NPD he wasn't like that at first. He wasn't abusive, he praised my talents. I did not enter into the relationship a co-dependent nor seek out such a person. I did not know he did drugs. I was merely naive. Over time with much confusion he wore away my confidence with criticism but I always knew I was right when we disagreed on a decision but I chose to not argue as a matter of self-preservation. (And inside was often thinking "I told you so" when his decisions backfired.) My hobbies and interest endured. I am willing to be tolerant and understanding but not to the detriment of my own well-being.

So the label isn't always correct. And sometimes the cart DOES come before the horse! :)
 
21 - 30 of 30 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top