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Discussion Starter #1
I just am not interested.
I wonder what the h*ll happened?
I know I really miss my friend who had the brain hemorrhage.
And that the guy I dated for the past 4 months was, even though he said he was 'nice', and he was certainly cute and could be charming and act sensitive...was way too often dismissive and narcissistic and a f*cked up pothead.
But now I am just Not Interested in dating. The process of dating. The actual dates. Nada. I'd rather go out for a beer with my guy friend, go to my Argentine Tango classes/practices, or read into the late hours then take my neuro med and sleep or go to the movies by myself. I can't really get enthusiastic about any other kind of life than the one I'm living right now. I like getting up in the morning and not having to deal with another adult. And sleeping in my own bed. I wonder if my last relationship just pushed me over the edge. I think it's that no matter who I meet, they have some idea of how they want me to be, who they want me to be...and it's just so far off the mark that I just don't even really want to try to bridge that gap. With my boyfriend who had the brain hemorrhage, we were friends for nearly a year before we started dating, so he knew me pretty well, and loved me anyway.
I know I dated this last guy in an attempt to get over the guy who had the brain hemorrhage, and now I'm right back where I started. Oh, well. I thought I could be logical about this, but there's no logic to it at all.
I'm not the kind of person who can just have a relationship for relationship's sake. I really did like the f*ck-up, which was dumb. He's a hassle. I hope now that I've unfriended him he doesn't start calling or whatever.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Then just be who you are for a while. No matter where you go there you are so learn to live with you for now.

You may find that you actually like just... well, just you.
I think that's what happened. When I was younger I never had any conscious intention of marrying. I did my own thing.
 

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I'm sure he will take the hint, if not tell him to go blow it out his glass. lol.

naw, I'm sure you let him down swiftly and kindly...

As for dating, glad you learned something about what you want, and I'm sure that at some point you will want male companionship again. I'm seeing a trend here from many people who've been married once before, especially women, that really don't want to be tied down to someone unless they are just right, and instead of continually seeking that perfect person finding contentment with themselves and still enjoy life, including to a certain extent, dating and relationships. It seems like a very natural way we have evolved to live, I wish more women would just accept it instead of insisting on finding the one and only.
 

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I'm sure he will take the hint, if not tell him to go blow it out his glass. lol.

naw, I'm sure you let him down swiftly and kindly...

As for dating, glad you learned something about what you want, and I'm sure that at some point you will want male companionship again. I'm seeing a trend here from many people who've been married once before, especially women, that really don't want to be tied down to someone unless they are just right, and instead of continually seeking that perfect person finding contentment with themselves and still enjoy life, including to a certain extent, dating and relationships. It seems like a very natural way we have evolved to live, I wish more women would just accept it instead of insisting on finding the one and only.
Love this....

And I am also one of those women. I am enjoying myself and spending time with myself. I don't want to date at all. Doesn't sound appealing. I want someone to enjoy me for me, all of me. When I find that person, then maybe I will date them :)

I would much rather do what I want and not worry about pleasing anyone but myself at the moment.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I'm sure he will take the hint, if not tell him to go blow it out his glass. lol.

naw, I'm sure you let him down swiftly and kindly...

As for dating, glad you learned something about what you want, and I'm sure that at some point you will want male companionship again. I'm seeing a trend here from many people who've been married once before, especially women, that really don't want to be tied down to someone unless they are just right, and instead of continually seeking that perfect person finding contentment with themselves and still enjoy life, including to a certain extent, dating and relationships. It seems like a very natural way we have evolved to live, I wish more women would just accept it instead of insisting on finding the one and only.
According to him it was devastating, he posted sad stuff on his FB page and waited for people to offer him sympathy. What really happened is that at 1 a.m. he told me he didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me and wanted to still be friends but when I said I didn't think that would be possible, he said he was going to put away the champagne glasses in the hall so that I wouldn't break them. Of course, this was insulting to me and so I left right away vs. waiting for the morning. When I asked him later if he'd meant to break up with me, he said, "I was just being honest." Obviously he lacks some kind of clarity because action and natural consequences.

So did I let him down easy? I left without starting any kind of fight, even though he said a number of things to me that would have ordinarily provoked anger, I didn't let that happen. I focused on leaving for my own good. Now he is all upset and turning to his friends for sympathy because his relationship ended and he posted 'I guess honesty is not the best policy.' OMG, I think he actually thought I would stay with him after he said that to me. Is that not normal or what?

Anyway, I met the guy I dated before, who had the brain hemorrhage, when I was going about my own business. He was so endearing, and we were good buddies for the longest time, also good dance partners.

Oh, well. I can't undo his brain hemorrhage although I do kick myself almost daily for not recognizing it sooner than I did, and even then, I thought maybe he had meningitis or a real bad flu. WTF?
 

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Yes HNU you let him down easy - as easy as he could take it... you didn't send him mixed signals. If he said he wasn't attracted to you, was he expecting something to change to make himself attracted to you? Nope, you did exactly what he should have expected you to when he said that. Maybe he will eventually come to thank you for the mature way you handled the situation... and it is ok for him to seek some sympathy from his friends because he lost a person from his life that did mean something important (even if he lacked the clarity to understand why).

As for your your old flame that had the hemorrhage, you did nothing to cause the problem or make it worse - stop kicking yourself, sometimes life just throws us bad stuff, and there is nothing you can do to change the past. And since we're talking about him, how is his recovery going along? Is he able to function in any way that resembles the life he had before at all?
 

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Good riddance I say. I mean what did he expect you to say or do when he said he was not attracted to you? Silly guy. At least he was honest though.

Homemaker, how you feel about dating (you don't, lol) is how I have felt about dating ever since I separated ftrom my now exH 3 yrs ago. There was only ONE time (over the summer) I felt like dating someone and that was very brief and it didn't make me sad when it ended. Like you, I have never been into being into a relationship just for the sake of having one or dating. No, thanks.

The more time that goes on, the more I feel like, what is the point. Nothing lasts forever anyway. Sure, it'd be nice to meet someone but if I never do again I am not worried about it. Life goes on.

I am enjoying my new life as a single woman. I spent my entire 20s in a relationship with my ex and now being not in a couple felt so strange at first but I am really adapting well to it. It's getting harder and harder to remember what being married like was for me.

Homemaker--if you meet someone, great, if not, just keep on trekkin. And definitely don't waste time with guys who don't share your values/beliefs/attraction. It's better to end it soon than to let it drag.



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Discussion Starter #9
Yes HNU you let him down easy - as easy as he could take it... you didn't send him mixed signals. If he said he wasn't attracted to you, was he expecting something to change to make himself attracted to you? Nope, you did exactly what he should have expected you to when he said that. Maybe he will eventually come to thank you for the mature way you handled the situation... and it is ok for him to seek some sympathy from his friends because he lost a person from his life that did mean something important (even if he lacked the clarity to understand why).

As for your your old flame that had the hemorrhage, you did nothing to cause the problem or make it worse - stop kicking yourself, sometimes life just throws us bad stuff, and there is nothing you can do to change the past. And since we're talking about him, how is his recovery going along? Is he able to function in any way that resembles the life he had before at all?
Thanks Lon. It makes me upset that he shot himself in the foot, but honestly, how can I rely on someone who constantly does that? It's like he wanted me to feel sorry for him that he wasn't in love with me. I just couldn't do it. Thanks to therapy I'm no longer the least bit co-dependent.

I really miss my friend who had the brain hemorrhage. Like, he is alive, and I guess has the same basic personality, that I know for sure because I was with him every single day for 6 weeks after it happened. But functionally, no, he's not the same person, and it takes logistics to make a life happen. So he is alive but dead to me, because his sister still has guardianship of him, and she cut me out of his life, even though she told the state appointed attorney she wasn't going to do that. I heard the family heavily censored me out of his life, even telling him that he was with someone else when he had his brain hemorrhage. I know, that's just nuts, but that's the way they are, and he as much as told me this the night before it all happened, how nuts they all were. I didn't realize I was going to have to find out for real that soon, or that brutally.

Honestly, I could just cry. I guess I did. Posts here are so kind and heartfelt. I've had so many losses in my life, some of them like this recent guy, won't matter. But this one absolutely did. I sobbed and sobbed after it happened and I'd dealt with the emergency rooms and all that stuff that goes on at the beginning. Since then I've been on sedatives. Just the past few nights I've been waking up in the wee hours. I think maybe I need to increase dose, perhaps what this last guy did to me was so crazy-making that I could use a little bit extra, which I have an okay to do from the neuro nurse. My work is going along fine. I have that interview on Monday and seeing my close friends that evening, kids are all friends too. It will be good to be with my family/friends, these are the ones I camp with in the summer.

I'm just not the type to let anyone see me cry. I'm pretty sure I'm not really crying on account of this last guy, but the friend with the brain hemorrhage leaving me unaccountably to deal with everything that came after. I mean, he was the one person I could really count on. Besides myself.

We were really compatible, shared all the same hobbies and past-times, similar lifestyles, both self-employed...and we could talk about anything, and physically it was great, emotionally all there, even when he was brain damaged he was emotionally all there, and would hold me in bed in the hospital, and we'd tell each other not to be scared. Seems like just yesterday. I'm not doing a very good job of not being scared at some level, but I'm doing an EXCELLENT job of not acting scared. There's a difference. I know I can count on myself. The nasty thing is having to, and having a reason to.

Actually, after having this happen to me, I'm not really scared of anything. But I'm still having trouble, I guess, reconciling the reality of what happened, and how it was before, to my present reality. I'm okay, grounded in reality, but this one thing is just beyond belief and experience for me. You'd think after my father suiciding and all the violence and torment I grew up with, I'd be cool. But there is something about a genuine loss of love, vs. losing people who don't really give a sh*t, that's no match for me.

I guess I give up. In a good way. I just have to stop trying to get over it, because there's no good way to get over it. I just have to let it be. ???
 

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Discussion Starter #11
While he's burning bridges you can make 'smores.
I'd like to like that but I'm not even feeling vengeful.
Part of me wishes I had his personality, it just seems so much easier...but then I know what goes on behind the scenes, and I know that it's not. I'd hate to wake up feeling depressed and overwhelmed, and then be the kind of person that puts on a sarcastic, know-it-all, pity me I was dumped again, women are just no good, love me because nobody else does (plenty of codependents lining up) kind of thing. But then if I did all that, I wouldn't have time for myself. LOL. (I think.)

In my reading I discovered that narcissistic sociopaths have more testosterone going on at those times, and that's why women fall for them. It's all chemical. I think my neuro meds saved me, blocking any kind of dependency that could have occurred due to the lure of the male hormones.
 

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I'd like to like that but I'm not even feeling vengeful.
Part of me wishes I had his personality, it just seems so much easier...but then I know what goes on behind the scenes, and I know that it's not. I'd hate to wake up feeling depressed and overwhelmed, and then be the kind of person that puts on a sarcastic, know-it-all, pity me I was dumped again, women are just no good, love me because nobody else does (plenty of codependents lining up) kind of thing. But then if I did all that, I wouldn't have time for myself. LOL. (I think.)

In my reading I discovered that narcissistic sociopaths have more testosterone going on at those times, and that's why women fall for them. It's all chemical. I think my neuro meds saved me, blocking any kind of dependency that could have occurred due to the lure of the male hormones.
It's not about vengeance. It's about making the best of what comes your way in life. Kinda' like, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

Sometimes I envy my autistic son.
 

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I have never been one to try and date. Seems like when your looking you find all the wrong ones. And no sense in putting up with any drama. Especially if you are older (I'm 41) and you have been through a divorce!!
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I have never been one to try and date. Seems like when your looking you find all the wrong ones. And no sense in putting up with any drama. Especially if you are older (I'm 41) and you have been through a divorce!!
I'm just sick of the Q & A. It's like a freakin' job interview, and I don't even have to interview to get my jobs, they just materialize. WTF!!!!!

I have an interview tomorrow with a film maker instead of a date. Lined it up on my way out of the film festival this evening.
He likes ballroom dance and is going to introduce me to the lead actress, a former girlfriend of his who's flying in tomorrow. There's a dance party tomorrow night, so hopefully I can get them to come over for a bit and liven up that party. Now THAT'S the way to be living.

I'm spending tomorrow working and writing. Then heading into town for the evening...what a relief. Two dates in one day was insane, but it was good because it showed me how much I really dislike it.

My date I took to the movies is nice. I can see doing stuff with him and getting to know him, but he talked a lot about money. I think he's insecure. In fact, almost all the men I know and have dated talk a lot about money. Do they not have anything else to talk about?
 

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I'm just sick of the Q & A. It's like a freakin' job interview, and I don't even have to interview to get my jobs, they just materialize. WTF!!!!!

I have an interview tomorrow with a film maker instead of a date. Lined it up on my way out of the film festival this evening.
He likes ballroom dance and is going to introduce me to the lead actress, a former girlfriend of his who's flying in tomorrow. There's a dance party tomorrow night, so hopefully I can get them to come over for a bit and liven up that party. Now THAT'S the way to be living.

I'm spending tomorrow working and writing. Then heading into town for the evening...what a relief. Two dates in one day was insane, but it was good because it showed me how much I really dislike it.

My date I took to the movies is nice. I can see doing stuff with him and getting to know him, but he talked a lot about money. I think he's insecure. In fact, almost all the men I know and have dated talk a lot about money. Do they not have anything else to talk about?
Thats what I'm saying. Maybe a date will "materialize" like jobs do for you. Do these guys talk about money in a bragging way ? Like they are trying to impress you?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Thats what I'm saying. Maybe a date will "materialize" like jobs do for you. Do these guys talk about money in a bragging way ? Like they are trying to impress you?
I agree. That's how I met my buddy, the we got serious about each other. But there was no 'dating.'

The guys usually talk about their work and their finances. It never crossed my mind that they were trying to impress me. I suppose maybe that's true that they were. I guess maybe they feel like they're competing with guys who don't have jobs? My last boyfriend was always stressing about his work and money, but in a way that he was trying to encourage himself about his prospects, which are bleak. I mean, he sells in galleries but that doesn't support him, and has to do the craft fair circuit.

I don't really like being asked about my work on a date.
I'd rather talk about something else, like where someone has traveled and how that affected them, etc.
 

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Men are programmed to want to be providers - they were probably trying to show they are. Asking what someone does for a living seems normal to me. It isn't about figuring out how much someone earns but I think it shows a lot about what interests them and if they aren't interested by their job that tells something about them, too - how they value stability over happiness (IMO).

When I ask about a job, usually I also ask what they enjoy about it. Last guy liked the challenge of figuring stuff out - the problem solving aspect of his job. This makes sense as he also likes puzzles, games, etc. So I learned he needs lots of mental stimulation.

Hobbies and travel are important to discuss as well - I think we both find out what interests our dates. I just find the career path a part of that.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Men are programmed to want to be providers - they were probably trying to show they are. Asking what someone does for a living seems normal to me. It isn't about figuring out how much someone earns but I think it shows a lot about what interests them and if they aren't interested by their job that tells something about them, too - how they value stability over happiness (IMO).

When I ask about a job, usually I also ask what they enjoy about it. Last guy liked the challenge of figuring stuff out - the problem solving aspect of his job. This makes sense as he also likes puzzles, games, etc. So I learned he needs lots of mental stimulation.

Hobbies and travel are important to discuss as well - I think we both find out what interests our dates. I just find the career path a part of that.
I prefer activity dates...doing something together and spending time together rather than sit over a meal and interrogate. I'm okay with my past but my past is my past and I think it's inappropriate to grill someone on their past and their income range and the details of their work on the first date. I'd rather talk about what activities we might share in common. So, if someone mountain bikes where have they gone, if they hike, what trails did they do this season, if they kayak, who do we know in common... Generally what do they do for work. Fine.

So last night between short films at the film festival my nice guy date that a dance friend lined me up with tells me I remind him of someone and I'm listening and it turns out it was a woman he knew when he was in night school/university and he went on about how they all went out for drinks after class, nothing every happened, how his wife would have probably killed him (metaphorically I guess) if she knew, etc. I held my tongue but I said to myself...well maybe she DID know and that's why you're divorced. As soon as a guy says 'nothing ever happened' and 'it was okay because we went out in a group' and then says that his wife didn't know about it and shouldn't because it would have caused problems... OMG. I thought to myself, he cannot be serious, he is telling me this on our first date! So, I remind him of someone he wanted to cheat on his wife with but didn't. This is ummmmmmmmmmmmm supposed to be a COMPLIMENT?

Please file this under 'dates gone bad'.
 

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...hahaha love the "oh but nothing ever happened" yet his wife would have killed him...

Sorry you are having some bad experiences lately.
And the thing is, he was saying this to me confidentially, as though I was his buddy. No, it was a first date, so maybe you should censor yourself!

Also, I explained to him that I don't like to share popcorn in a movie. I didn't give a reason but the thing is that when I'm watching a film I don't like to have to pay attention to turn-taking and also I like popcorn and I want to eat it at my leisure. I've had too many instances in the past where I wasn't able to save any of my legitimate half for later in the movie.

Well, during the credits for a film (this was a film festival, so the credits are important to me) he made a joke to tease me by grabbing for my popcorn, I moved my popcorn away and he did it again, and when I said, no way, he did it again. My eyes were on the screen.

I don't like being teased by someone who doesn't know me very well. I'd explained to him that during film festivals when the directors are present (the row in front of us was reserved for that...it's the row in the theater where the distance from the screen maximizes the resolution and clarity of the projection...) you absolutely don't talk. Of course, he talked and during the Q&A period after when I was wanting to listen to the questions and answers to the directors and crew he was talking to me, and justifying by saying he needed to keep his voice low. FAIL.

I'd told him that usually the people I know who work at the theatre like to go alone, that it's rare we invite anyone to go with us unless it's a second viewing.

Also, he used his elbow to touch me during the films, which I found very distracting. Watch your body space. Don't touch me with your elbow. I am watching a film that I paid to see and will only get a single chance to see it on the big screen.

I told him after the movies were over and I was going out to the parking garage, that I didn't want to date I just like to have friends to do things with, that dating is just awkward and not my style.

When he was leaving one of the directors started talking to me, so after I said good night to date I stayed to talk to the director. I'll go to see his film this afternoon and interview him as primarily he's a photography artist. His leading actress is flying in today. This guy used to choreograph and ballroom dance on Broadway so I'm inviting him over to our dance milonga tonight which is across the street from the theatre. Hopefully he and the actress will stop by for one dance, lol.

So my date turned out to be good since I made a good connection that's meaningful to me. Not for dating, but just an artist to interview and talk to. I'm taking a videography class next semester.

But the whole interchange kind of solidified that I have my 'own kind' and I'd do much better to stick with them and not venture out looking for compatibility anywhere else.

I had thought my last boyfriend would be more creative minded, he blows glass but he doesn't really create stuff, he's too busy worrying about paying his bills (including his pot tab I suppose.)

Writing today, then being 'irresponsible' and going to the movies, catching up with this duo then grabbing a bite to eat and going to Argentine Tango dance party. Normal day, really.
 
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