By 'nail', do you mean that adultery has a financial impact impact on the settlement?
If it does, then here are my questions for you:
- Do you believe that the lifestyle you provided was a substantial factor in your wife staying and cheating as opposed to simply initiating a divorce?
- Did she continue that pattern after D day by giving lip service to reconciliation? - when you look back, do you feel that she took advantage of your kind nature?
- as for your sexual disconnect do you feel she didn't want to be bothered making an effort to figure out and communicate what needed to happen for it to improve?
If those are all 'yes' responses than this is what I would do. Ask my lawyer to calculate the approximate settlement with and without adultery. Ask him to estimate the likelihood I could prove it in court. Sit down with her one on one and lay out the numbers. Then I would ask her what she thinks is fair. When she finished speaking I would drill down on one topic - the recon. And I would ask this: you knew the affair hurt me badly, and looking back I believe you knew a recon was not in your 'heart'. Why did you drag me through that extra pain when you knew where we would end up eventually?
And I would listen. And I would consider her input and then make an offer.
If the spread was $100, and my lawyer said 95 percent likely to 'prove', and she was still totally self focused, I would say - you can accept the base minus the full infidelity penalty, or I will prove it in open court and it will be a permanent public record. Your choice.
And then I would let her decide. If she cares about her rep - she can settle fairly with you. If she once again wants to exploit your kindness, I would use the facts and get the best financial outcome.