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Discussion Starter #1
A friend of mine and I were recently chatting about our exs. Both exs had cheated and left us for other women. She asked me, "Knowing what you know now, if he came back and apologized would you take him back?"

I told her in all honesty, "I don't know. I still love that jerk. I would seriously have to think about it, but I wouldn't rule it out." She felt the same way. Are we stupid?

Love makes you make some dumb ass choices. And so I wonder, after your mate has left you, WOULD YOU TAKE HIM/HER BACK?
 

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I would if my WW expressed Godly remorse and took full responsibility. But unfortunately, because of the betrayals, there would be some conditions and boundaries such as full and total transparency in order to earn back the trust.
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If he was willing to court me, go to counseling, and he could absolutely convince me beyond a doubt that he had changed, that he had gone NC with his long term girlfriend, that I was TRULY the one he loved and wanted to be with - yes, I would take him back. But if he messed up again, that would be the end of it for me, I would not give him another chance after that point.
 

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5-10 years ago I would have.

Today, in my current relationship or whatever happens in the future I would not.

But I've been burned twice so I'm biased. But no more for me.
 

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I'll be really interested to see the responses from everyone on this, as this very subject is on my mind a lot lately. If I had read the question just 9 months ago, my answer would have been an instant and emphatic "no way, cheat on me and it's over." Now I'm in the process of trying to reconcile with my husband, who left me and moved in with the OW in February, and I honestly don't know what changed in my head. I'm really glad you posted the question!
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It certainly wouldn't be easy, there is no such thing as a free pass, and I'm naturally jealous. But, after a second time there wouldn't be any question in my mind. Also the extent, moving in with the OW/OM would be pretty hard to deal with.

Though you can never know until you're in the situation.
 

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Cheating by itself, a vulnerable lapse of judgement maybe it is human and could be forgiven. Cheating with long term history of deceit and other forms of abuse, followed by acting contrite and then being even more abusive in new ways, ummmmmmmm let me not even think about it no way.
 

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Yes, only if the commitment to show real remorse, except the tough consequences, and the ability to give up there privacy to help you heal is met by there own doing and not requested by the LS
In a cense, giving there self back on there own free will to there spouse.

The next time she cheats will for sure be a deal breaker!
 

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I did once. That was back in 2005. He only cheated again, so I divorced him.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Wow! Thanks for the feedback ladies and gentlemen. Here's my summary -- if we loved someone with all our heart at the time of the affair, we would give them a second chance. Love means we have the ability to forgive. Unfortunately in AppleDucklings case it reminds me that love can be taken advantage of without remorse.

I had dinner with a friend recently and the actions of her cheating ex-husband were the same as my cheating ex-boyfriend -- once they were knee deep in the affair, they developed a cold arrogance towards us. Their behavior said, "You should be happy I'm here, I don't need you, I don't want to be with you and worst of all, I don't care for you." Once cheaters feel they have a "better offer" or have seemingly upgraded, they act as if we are in the way of their happiness and it is their right to cut us loose to get something they perceive is better, younger, more fun, more fit, richer, more interesting.

It is hurtful and demoralizing to be cheated on. I felt like I wasn't enough and therefore it was okay for him to throw me away with the trash.

Oprah has a show on her network called "Unfaithful." I haven't seen it yet but I've heard its very insightful. Here's the link: Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal - Series Premiere - OWN TV

I hope one day I find a guy who doesn't throw me away because something "better" comes along. I've had two splits in the last 7 years and I don't think I want to date any more out of fear.
 

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I just don't get it? I don't understand how so many people can continue with a marriage, with the spouse, that lied, cheated, hurt, sneaky, slept with another, and go back into the marriage without "it" always being there??

~sammy
 

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Discussion Starter #12
@Sammy3 - I used to feel the same way. I never understood how Hillary Clinton stayed with Bill. Then I met a guy who absolutely was everything I thought I was looking for.... and then he cheated. The love doesn't just go away, for me anyways. I think about all the good things I liked and why I loved him. There is no logic to love. It's not an algebraic equation where if you subtract 3 from the left side, you have to subtract 3 from the right. Love is not a perfect balance all the time.

People make mistakes. Cheating for you may be a deal breaker, but not for everyone and here's why: If you love someone more than the weight of their errors in judgment, you will give them a second chance. If he or she hits your threshold for pain and suffering, the relationship is over. Everyone has a different pain tolerance.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Ya'll (I live in Texas so excuse the vernacular), I need a cheat sheet. Everyone uses 2-letter abbreviations on this webpage and I don't know what the heck any of them are. Please tell me what these are:
PA
WW
LS

thanks
 

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If she was to Lebron me for the OM, no way Jose. There was an old saying that goes like this; you do not bring back the garbage you took out to the curb.
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Discussion Starter #17
@Simon Phoenix -- but if your mate choosing to leave and you leaving your mate are two different things with two different sets of feelings, perhaps?
 

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The question then becomes---If you R. the mge.,

What kind of a mge, life do you really have

I am sure there is still a major lack of trust, you are still having to enforce your boundaries, or are you?

You are constantly looking over your shoulder, or are you?

How do you deal with your sub-conscious---visions, and triggers---they are there, and they may be there for a lifetime---anyone who says they are not there, is lying, or hiding from the truth

The show on the oprah channel, in all cases had the couple reconciling, that isn't presenting all facets of betrayal, otherwise the D. rate wouldn't be where it is today

You may love your cheating partner deeply, but who is it you actually love---the person he/she was prior to the start of the A.---or the person who coldly, calculatingly, with no scruples, tore out your heart, demonized you, took away your peace of mind, destroyed your carefree life, and brought nuclear winter down upon everyone around them---is that the person you love----or is it that the person you really love has long passed on, and is now someone totally different? And that leads into a whole other subject---why is your cheating partner so willing to stay with you??
 

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As a change to the responses posted already, I was the cheating husband. I can come up with all types of excuses about a sexless marriage etc but I still did it. Funnily I never considered the consequences, or if I did I'm not sure what I concluded.

When my wife asked me about it I lied. But after 4 months our marriage got worse and I finally confessed hoping to make amends and be relieved of the guilt.

I ask myself on a regular basis would I take me back.

The complexity of emotions felt by my wife I still do not claim to understand. We will be going to counselling as I do not believe this is something we can recover from on our own or possbily ever recover from. I only hope that if we do part it is as good feeds.

Would I ever do it again? I don't know. As an off the cuff answer no but hopefully after counselling I will be more emaotionally mature to be able to say no with conviction.
 

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I just don't get it? I don't understand how so many people can continue with a marriage, with the spouse, that lied, cheated, hurt, sneaky, slept with another, and go back into the marriage without "it" always being there??

~sammy
I'm with you there sammy...it was always there in the back of my mind. Even though I tried to "forgive and forget" I couldn't seem to get past it. His computer usage and text messages always had me wondering and if he was 30 minutes late that would set off another red flag. Between that and his alcohol abuse we are no longer together.
 
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