[Klee]

What exactly has he done in the past when he was angry? And what was he angry about?

We have gotten into bad screaming matches. He has thrown stuff, things like that just never at this scale. It was always about something stupid.

 

[oldshirt]

edit- I do not think my ex was just waiting around trying to be a side piece.

What was he waiting around for then? To pick your brain on your thoughts on global economy? To hear your opinion on the real origins of Covid 19?

Enlighten us on if a guy is not trying to get back into an ex GF's pants, why he continues to hang around and engage with her knowing full well that she is dating some other guy? What's in it for him?

 

[oldshirt]

We have gotten into bad screaming matches. He has thrown stuff, things like that just never at this scale. It was always about something stupid.

"Never at this Scale" means things are escalating.

Bad fights over something stupid means there was no legitimate reasons to be throwing things and having bad screaming matches.

Those are signs of a domestic abuser. He just hasn't hit you YET.

 

[Klee]

What was he waiting around for then? To pick your brain on your thoughts on global economy? To hear your opinion on the real origins of Covid 19?

Enlighten us on if a guy is not trying to get back into an ex GF's pants, why he continues to hang around and engage with her knowing full well that she is dating some other guy? What's in it for him?

I am sure he would have if I asked him but I don’t believe it was the main motivation. We were friends too and our relationship wasn’t just sex.

 

[oldshirt]

I am sure he would have if I asked him but I don’t believe it was the main motivation. We were friends too and our relationship wasn’t just sex.

ok here is some fatherly input to help you understand why guys get really upset when their partners are still in contact with ex’s or having ex’s around.

you said when you hooked up with the ex that you did not intend to…. Yet when the stars lines up that one night, you did.

Then you say that he would have been DTF if you would have asked him.

ok so every guys knows that if his partner has a moment of horniness or being pissed at him or feeling lonely or neglected, the ex is only one txt away.

Your H knew that. Now he finds out you did hook up with him one night when he “just happened” to show up and even though you may not have originally intended to get down, one thing lead to another and you did.

so it doesn’t matter how many times you say you aren’t interested in the ex because by your own admission, if the conditions are right, you will get down even though you say your not
Interested and he will just be one txt away.

Now I am not excusing his behavior in his violence. That was inappropriate and problematic on his part and needs to immediately be addressed.

But you need to understand why this is such a trigger for men and why it is such a powder keg.

 

[ArthurGPym]

I really do not care that he looked/looks at my phone. He said he always hated me talking to him but did not want to say anything because it was new. My ex and I did not have that bad of a breakup. He didn’t stay angry at me so we were still kind of friends in a way. I truly did not know it bothered him that badly at first. I know him better now.

edit- I do not think my ex was just waiting around trying to be a side piece.

regardless, ex-BFs and GFs have no place in marriage. Ask your husband if it would be okay to send the exBF a text or email telling him that you can have no future contact with him and that if he sees you out in public he needs to cross over to the opposite side of the street. And I’m dead serious here. Even if your husband was not the immature douche that he is, you still should do this. It is called standing up for and protecting your marriage.

 

[ArthurGPym]

I am sure he would have if I asked him but I don’t believe it was the main motivation. We were friends too and our relationship wasn’t just sex.

OP…. It is ALWAYS about sex with guys. My god please don’t be so naive.

 

[Klee]

ok here is some fatherly input to help you understand why guys get really upset when their partners are still in contact with ex’s or having ex’s around.

you said when you hooked up with the ex that you did not intend to…. Yet when the stars lines up that one night, you did.

Then you say that he would have been DTF if you would have asked him.

ok so every guys knows that if his partner has a moment of horniness or being pissed at him or feeling lonely or neglected, the ex is only one txt away.

Your H knew that. Now he finds out you did hook up with him one night when he “just happened” to show up and even though you may not have originally intended to get down, one thing lead to another and you did.

so it doesn’t matter how many times you say you aren’t interested in the ex because by your own admission, if the conditions are right, you will get down even though you say your not
Interested and he will just be one txt away.

Now I am not excusing his behavior in his violence. That was inappropriate and problematic on his part and needs to immediately be addressed.

But you need to understand why this is such a trigger for men and why it is such a powder keg.

I do understand that more now then when I was younger but I also stopped having contact with him and the phone proves that. I had some hang ups then but I don’t now at all.

 

[ConanHub]

You and your husband were not exclusive. You were not promised to him. He had not given you his football jersey and class ring to wear. The two of you were not going steady. If he is this immature and violent, is he really the man you want raising your child? He needs counseling badly, and the next time he pitches a fit and pulls a stunt like that again you need to call the cops.

Just to keep things on an even keel now.... I would be pissed too if I was her husband and wasn't in the know about her banging her ex while dating me.

I wouldn't have torn up the house but I would have been seriously hot and let her know she had well and fully shyt herself by doing something stupid and not keeping me up to speed on it.

I don't like bumping into guys that were fing my girl when I was dating her and I like to know things like that.

It can't be equated with immaturity. It's called territorial.

OP was immature to be dating other guys while fing her ex. That was a butt stupid move my man, especially hiding it.

 

[ConanHub]

If this is going to be a regular thing I will and I’m really going to push the counseling.

I agree but be prepared to own your issues as well.

I've been clear from the start that his eruption is the primary concern but you are not without needing correcting in your thought process and behavior.

 

[ConanHub]

What do you mean by controllable trigger?

I don’t understand what you mean by that.
Can you clarify.

Ok. The trigger is OP's bvllshvt actions and continued relationship with her ex while keeping her husband in the dark about it. He shouldn't have been subjected to the guy that was banging his wife after he was already dating her. He at least deserved informed consent to interact with the asshole or not. You are perfectly aware her ex is an asshole BTW.😉

That's pretty specific.

Discontinuing any contact with the ex and getting their marriage up to speed with transparency will eliminate that very specific trigger.

Now that doesn't eliminate the need for some therapy and/or counseling.

@Klee 's husband is the primary concern but she could use getting whipped into better marriage shape herself.

 

[Harold Demure]

Klee, I think Conan’s last 3 posts pretty much nailed it. This is very good, balanced advice.

 

[manwithnoname]

I never considered that casual sex. It was more like a set back and mistake but it was with someone I loved and had a relationship with. It was not planned, he just showed up and I decided I didn’t want to get back together. We were most likely going to go out again but I did not know for sure at that time.

If he showed up and you had no intentions of getting back together with him and still had sex with him, it’s casual sex. What if he just shows up when you’re going through tough times with your husband (like now)? If your husband knows your above statement it’s pretty obvious why he doesn’t like seeing him or bumping into him.

Counselling should be a requirement for both of you.

 

[oldshirt]

Ok. The trigger is OP's bvllshvt actions and continued relationship with her ex while keeping her husband in the dark about it. He shouldn't have been subjected to the guy that was banging his wife after he was already dating her. He at least deserved informed consent to interact with the asshole or not. You are perfectly aware her ex is an asshole BTW.😉

That's pretty specific.

Discontinuing any contact with the ex and getting their marriage up to speed with transparency will eliminate that very specific trigger.

Now that doesn't eliminate the need for some therapy and/or counseling.

@Klee 's husband is the primary concern but she could use getting whipped into better marriage shape herself.

ok I understand what you were getting at now.

However, my concern here is that the H is abusive and has anger and control issues.

so let’s set the whole ex thing aside for a moment.

If her H is abusive, then the next outburst could be that the omelet she made was overcooked or that she left a dirty cereal bowl on the counter until it had a dried milk ring at the bottom of it.

you are assuming this incident was his only trigger and once she apologizes and makes amends for that they will live happily ever after.

But that is not the reality because the rage and explosiveness and lack of control and use of violence to threaten, intimidate and control live within him.

The battle cry of every abuser is, “she pushes my buttons” and the battle cry of every abused wife is, “he’ll be fine if I don’t make him mad.”

But the problem is the anger is inside of him and the rage grows and builds inside of him until he erupts because she left her shoes laying on the bedroom floor instead of on the rack in the closet.

So what I am getting at is his eruptions and outbursts and violence won’t be over even if she never speaks to lays eyes on this ex again. It will be something else. Even if she never leaves another cereal bowl on the counter or leaves her shoes on the bedroom floor it again, it will be something because the monster lives inside of him and is not being caused by her.

 

[Livvie]

If he showed up and you had no intentions of getting back together with him and still had sex with him, it’s casual sex. What if he just shows up when you’re going through tough times with your husband (like now)? If your husband knows your above statement it’s pretty obvious why he doesn’t like seeing him or bumping into him.

Counselling should be a requirement for both of you.

Wtf.

A single woman having sex one more time with someone she just ended a long term relationship with does not translate to being prone to having sex with someone else while you are married.

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

 

[ArthurGPym]

Just to keep things on an even keel now.... I would be pissed too if I was her husband and wasn't in the know about her banging her ex while dating me.

I wouldn't have torn up the house but I would have been seriously hot and let her know she had well and fully shyt herself by doing something stupid and not keeping me up to speed on it.

I don't like bumping into guys that were fing my girl when I was dating her and I like to know things like that.

It can't be equated with immaturity. It's called territorial.

OP was immature to be dating other guys while fing her ex. That was a butt stupid move my man, especially hiding it.

But if I read right, they weren't "dating" dating. She had gone out with him one time, then slept with the ex one last time, then resumed dating husband. One date does not infer exclusivity. I'm sorry it does not. Who she was intimate with prior to them having the exclusivity talk is really none of husband's business.

Way back in the 1980s when I was dating lots of chicks, I had met my ex-wife and we went out a couple times. But I was still seeing other women, and I knew she was still seeing and sleeping with other guys. No big deal. It wasn't until maybe our fifth time out together that we both had enough interest in each other to settle down and date exclusively. I never asked her about those other guys she was sleeping with and she never asked me about my dates. So, I still do not see what the OP did wrong other than try to maintain some semblance of a friendship with the exBF.

 

[Longtime Hubby]

I’m not sure if this is the right category to post.

I do not see this as cheating and I think my husband is blowing this out of proportion.
After my first date with my now husband I had unplanned sex with my ex boyfriend. We were recently broken up and I was trying to adjust to that. My husband and I barely knew each other then and did not know at that time I would marry this man. If I knew that my choices would have been very different.
He is naturally a jealous and possessive person In some ways. My ex bf used to be an issue for him. He didn’t like that I used to talk to him but didn’t want to say anything because it was still new. Later he told me he didn’t want me to talk to him and I stopped and I didn’t know it bothered him so much. Last week we were walking around some shop with our baby and having a really good time. My ex spotted us and we all talked for a little bit. I kept watching my husband during this to gauge his reaction and he seemed totally fine with it. He complimented us and the baby, and said he was happy for us. It was a normal interaction. He didn’t let in that anything was wrong or bothered him for days. My husband charged my old phone that was just sitting in a drawer. He went through years and years of texts, social media messages, photos, and videos. He eventually put it together that I had sex with him after our 1st date. Finding that out and seeing all of those old messages and pictures made him have a total mental breakdown. He trashed our house and my car then went to his fathers. It took me forever to clean up. I have apologized and apologized even though I don’t think that I cheated on him. I do understand how hurt he is finding this out. I think it is unfair to hold me to relationship standards when we barely knew each other. I can not count the number of women he has had sex with. We are seeing this differently fundamentally. I would never go through his old phones because I know it is just going to hurt me. Everyone I have talked to about this is telling me to leave. I want us to focus on our marriage, future, and our kid. I think this Is a little bit ridiculous. Also, I am sure he was having sex with someone before our first date maybe not after i don’t know.

Not cheating! not after one date with future hubby. He needs to grow up.

 

[manwithnoname]

Wtf.

A single woman having sex one more time with someone she just ended a long term relationship with does not translate to being prone to having sex with someone else while you are married.

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

I don’t think my comment is worthy of a WTF.

Just pointing out that OP admittedly was not going get back together with her ex, but had sex with him “one last time”, because she had loved him and was in a relationship with him. That seems casual to me.

I apologize for suggesting someone who is married would dare have sex with someone other than their spouse. I don’t think there’s ever been a documented case.

 

[ConanHub]

But if I read right, they weren't "dating" dating. She had gone out with him one time, then slept with the ex one last time, then resumed dating husband. One date does not infer exclusivity. I'm sorry it does not. Who she was intimate with prior to them having the exclusivity talk is really none of husband's business.

Way back in the 1980s when I was dating lots of chicks, I had met my ex-wife and we went out a couple times. But I was still seeing other women, and I knew she was still seeing and sleeping with other guys. No big deal. It wasn't until maybe our fifth time out together that we both had enough interest in each other to settle down and date exclusively. I never asked her about those other guys she was sleeping with and she never asked me about my dates. So, I still do not see what the OP did wrong other than try to maintain some semblance of a friendship with the exBF.

You were aware of the situation with with your ex wife. OP's husband was not. Klee also kept a relationship going with her ex while keeping her then boyfriend in the dark about fing him after she had started dating him.

Her ex is still around and she should have leveled with her husband so he could avoid rubbing elbows with him.

You also need to acknowledge that her husband is not you. You might have been just fine with how things played out. Klee's husband is not and I'm positive she knew dang well she did something stupid that could threaten her new relationship with her now husband which is why she kept it hidden.

You have different boundaries but Klee's husband, and myself for that matter, have our own.

Why she kept the history with her ex on her phone is puzzling. She may need to work out what she was thinking there but that wasn't a good move either.

You and your ex were aware that you were each dating and having sex with others at the start of your relationship and you were both fine with that.

Klee's husband was not dating others and not aware she had sex with her ex after starting to date him and he was not ok with it.

I'm not wired like you either for that matter so I can feel some of what Klee's husband is.

He probably would have dumped her and never looked back if he knew about her behavior.

I sure as hell would have and my anger, at finding out after marrying her and having a baby, would be phenomenal.

I wouldn't have trashed the house but we would have had a come to Jesus talk that would determine our future and if she didn't come to an understanding, I would have walked.

Life is too short to live with someone who has different foundational values and keeps that fact hidden.

Klee might not have intentionally tried to play her husband that way but that is how he sees it and that is how it worked out.

Jealousy or not, her husband sensed something was going on he wasn't aware of and he was right.

Why did he investigate after they had contact with her ex? It's pretty obvious to this barbarian wether OP wants to admit it or not. She was hiding something important from her husband and keeping it hidden and there were obvious tells that her husband was picking up on.

 

[Longtime Hubby]

You were aware of the situation with with your ex wife. OP's husband was not. Klee also kept a relationship going with her ex while keeping her then boyfriend in the dark about fing him after she had started dating him.

Her ex is still around and she should have leveled with her husband so he could avoid rubbing elbows with him.

You also need to acknowledge that her husband is not you. You might have been just fine with how things played out. Klee's husband is not and I'm positive she knew dang well she did something stupid that could threaten her new relationship with her now husband which is why she kept it hidden.

You have different boundaries but Klee's husband, and myself for that matter, have our own.

Why she kept the history with her ex on her phone is puzzling. She may need to work out what she was thinking there but that wasn't a good move either.

You and your ex were aware that you were each dating and having sex with others at the start of your relationship and you were both fine with that.

Klee's husband was not dating others and not aware she had sex with her ex after starting to date him and he was not ok with it.

I'm not wired like you either for that matter so I can feel some of what Klee's husband is.

He probably would have dumped her and never looked back if he knew about her behavior.

I sure as hell would have and my anger, at finding out after marrying her and having a baby, would be phenomenal.

I wouldn't have trashed the house but we would have had a come to Jesus talk that would determine our future and if she didn't come to an understanding, I would have walked.

Life is too short to live with someone who has different foundational values and keeps that fact hidden.

Klee might not have intentionally tried to play her husband that way but that is how he sees it and that is how it worked out.

Jealousy or not, her husband sensed something was going on he wasn't aware of and he was right.

Why did he investigate after they had contact with her ex? It's pretty obvious to this barbarian wether OP wants to admit it or not. She was hiding something important from her husband and keeping it hidden and there were obvious tells that her husband was picking up on.

Let me get this straight: She had one date with a guy she had no idea she would marry. She slept one more time with her old boyfriend after that date. And that makes her a bad person?

Wtf.

A single woman having sex one more time with someone she just ended a long term relationship with does not translate to being prone to having sex with someone else while you are married.

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

Thsnk you for being a Voice of Reason. My god, the woman and her former boyfriend made love one more time. I'm sure it was bittersweet. She had NO IDEA she would marry the other guy AFTER ONE DATE. What's the harm? None whatsoever. I can't believe some ot the comments.

 

[ConanHub]

Let me get this straight: She had one date with a guy she had no idea she would marry. She slept one more time with her old boyfriend after that date. And that makes her a bad person?

Thsnk you for being a Voice of Reason. My god, the woman and her former boyfriend made love one more time. I'm sure it was bittersweet. She had NO IDEA she would marry the other guy AFTER ONE DATE. What's the harm? None whatsoever. I can't believe some ot the comments.

LoL!

Go find my post where I called OP a bad person and I'll continue a conversation with you.

Until then.....