[uwe.blab]

I really don't think it is unreasonable for him to expect that she wouldn't be out having ONSs while dating him, or dating others without saying something. Maybe I'm just naïve.

Well, yeah. you do seem a little naive. A one-night stand is with a stranger.

The husband was more of a stranger to her at the time this happened and you continue to use the term 'dating' as if they were physically and emotionally connected in some way because they WENT. ON. A. DATE.

 

[Cynthia]

You are not the one who should be apologizing here. Your husband’s reaction to what he read is violent and abusive. You could get a restraining order based on his behavior. Both you and he need to recognize this. It would be wise for you to file a police report about this, so that you have a paper trail should you need it in the future. I wouldn’t get a restraining order unless you are afraid, but he needs to be held accountable for his actions or he will continue to think that you are the one who is or has behaved badly.

You did not cheat on him. That’s ridiculous.

From what you’ve posted, every time you do something that upsets your husband, you apologize and stop the behavior. You have done nothing that you thought would upset him, yet he is behaving in a highly inappropriate and dangerous manner.

Please address his anger and be firm about him needing some sort of anger management counseling.

 

[Openminded]

What exactly has he done in the past when he was angry? And what was he angry about?

 

[oldshirt]

yeah I can agree he is allowed to have his own feelings but he sounds very immature and you have to wonder if he has anger and control issues the way he responded so physically.

That is a “yeah duh!” on the anger and control issues.

But my point here is on the separation of feelings and actions.

We are all entitled to our own feelings and thoughts on any given matter.

I’m not questioning or criticizing his feelings. Those are his to own.

But whether he is mad or disgusted or sick at the very sight of her, He does not have the right to damage her car, tear up the house or in any way mistreat, threaten or intimidate her.

If what she did violates his sense of values and mores so bad that he can no longer wish to be with her, he has the right to dissolve the manage and divorce her.

But he doesn’t have the right to break her stuff or kick her on his way out the door.

 

[oldshirt]

He does have a problem but it hasn't been shown to be chronic and it has a very controllable trigger.

What do you mean by controllable trigger?

I don’t understand what you mean by that.
Can you clarify.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Well, yeah. you do seem a little naive. A one-night stand is with a stranger.

The husband was more of a stranger to her at the time this happened and you continue to use the term 'dating' as if they were physically and emotionally connected in some way because they WENT. ON. A. DATE.

You can't have a ONS with a coworker? with a neighbor? and old friend? an Ex? Since when does it have to be with a stranger?

It was a ONS. She had been broken up with her ex for at least a short time, I got the impression of a couple weeks to a month. She started dating, then she slept with her ex. So it was either a ONS or she was still in a relationship with her ex, which means she was dating while in a relationship.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

ummmmm....again, she was not 'dating' him. She went ON A DATE with him.

In any case, he is a 30-yr-old man destroying property because his wife was not pristine before they met. Sounds like he wasnt, and isnt, much of an angel either -- a big double standard going on here.

I don't think he was upset because she wasn't pristine. He is upset because she lied to him. She said he knew full well what the timeline was of her prior relationship. But he wasn't. She conveniently left out the fact she slept with him one more time weeks after breaking up and after she had started dating her husband.

None of this excuses flipping out BTW, but I understand where the anger was coming from.

 

[Young at Heart]

I would like to comment on a slightly different issue. His researching her old phone is the issue she might want to explore. To me this is a communication and privacy/trust issue.

If she feels safe, or better yet in a marriage counseling situation, it might be informative to ask what his motivation was for searching her phone for old text messages and old photos?

Was he trying to learn information on how to sexually please her or what turns her on? I doubt it.
Was he trying to learn how sexually active she was, if so why did he not ask instead of snoop?
Was he trying to see if she had cheated on him? If so what is his definition of cheating?
What is his definition of cheating and will he hold himself within your marriage to that definition and boundary?
Since he has seen things that has upset him, what can she do to help him cope or put behind him things he found out?
Would he be willing to his wife, should she want, "snoop" into his past relationships with ex girlfriends?
If they want to know anything about each others past, should they agree to tell each other or both agree that there is no need to explore the past before they became a couple.

 

[Klee]

This is interesting. You don't consider that last time you had sex with your ex to be casual sex? So then it was relationship based sex, correct? Yet you were dating someone else.

Did you intend to date your husband again after that first date? Did you sleep with your ex that one last time in an attempt to get back together?

I never considered that casual sex. It was more like a set back and mistake but it was with someone I loved and had a relationship with. It was not planned, he just showed up and I decided I didn’t want to get back together. We were most likely going to go out again but I did not know for sure at that time.

 

[ConanHub]

What do you mean by controllable trigger?

I don’t understand what you mean by that.
Can you clarify.

Not blowing you off. Will be very busy until late.

I'll elaborate later.

 

[Openminded]

When did your ex show up?

 

[BigDaddyNY]

I never considered that casual sex. It was more like a set back and mistake but it was with someone I loved and had a relationship with. It was not planned, he just showed up and I decided I didn’t want to get back together. We were most likely going to go out again but I did not know for sure at that time.

I have to say, you have been awesome at sticking around and answering questions. I hope you are getting something out of all this. Can you expand a little more on what you mean by your ex "just showed up?"

I'm sorry you are caught up in this. I think it is really just a set of very unfortunate circumstances. I think you really weren't over him and probably not ready to start dating again, but you happened to go out with your future husband. I've said it multiple times but this feels so familiar. The big difference is you didn't say anything proactively to your husband. That makes all the difference in the world to your husband. I really hope you can get him into counseling with you. You have a kid in the mix and I hope it works out, for everyone's sake.

 

[oldshirt]

I would like to comment on a slightly different issue. His researching her old phone is the issue she might want to explore. To me this is a communication and privacy/trust issue.

If she feels safe, or better yet in a marriage counseling situation, it might be informative to ask what his motivation was for searching her phone for old text messages and old photos?

Was he trying to learn information on how to sexually please her or what turns her on? I doubt it.
Was he trying to learn how sexually active she was, if so why did he not ask instead of snoop?
Was he trying to see if she had cheated on him? If so what is his definition of cheating?
What is his definition of cheating and will he hold himself within your marriage to that definition and boundary?
Since he has seen things that has upset him, what can she do to help him cope or put behind him things he found out?
Would he be willing to his wife, should she want, "snoop" into his past relationships with ex girlfriends?
If they want to know anything about each others past, should they agree to tell each other or both agree that there is no need to explore the past before they became a couple.

While I think he has some problematic behavior and have concerns of him escalating from property damage to actual physical abuse and I think he has some serious jealousy issues that can lead to serious problems if not addressed - I am going to give a little leeway here.

I think in general people have the right to look into concerns they may have in the sanctity of their marriage. Our spouse and marriage are the single biggest investment and the biggest determining factor in our happiness and well being vs misery and suffering. We have the right to look into things that may threaten that.

I don’t think our OP is as chrystal pure as she is presenting to us. Whenever there is a he said Vs she said, the reality is often somewhere in the middle.

Did he pick up on some vibes between them when they encountered him? Was she acting like a cat on a hot tin roof? Did the ex have that little devilish look in his eye that told the H that he knew something the H didn’t (which was correct)

The H may have known that the ex and her were in contact for awhile but may have given the benefit of the doubt and had no idea of the nature of their convos.

And let’s be realistic, if they were chatting for 6 months, it wasn’t about the weather and he wasn’t asking her about how her Aunt Beulah’ bunion surgery went.

I’m willing to be the farm that the OP’s convos with the ex were much more “personal” than what she is letting on.

You have to look at it from the ex’s perspective as well. He knew she was dating her H but yet he’s still in contact with her for 6 months??

Yeah, that was to score some ass.

I’ll take her word for now that she didn’t actually have full contact sex after that one time.

But you know darn well the ex was jockeying for the side piece position and she knew he was still in the game and she was at bare minimum keeping the carrot in front of his nose to keep him in reserve as long as she could.

She may not exactly have blood on her hands, but she does at least have dirt under her fingernails.

The H was out of line tearing up the house and vandalizing her car….. but his vibe that there was more to the story was correct.

And what is the first thing we tell people to do if they get a funny feeling about their spouse?

- CHECK THEIR PHONE.

 

[Gabriel]

The ONLY defense I can think of about your husband's absolutely OUTRAGEOUS behavior is if you outright lied about this before. If you told him that you never had relations with your ex after you guys starting dating, then I can see why he'd be mad. He would feel you lied and were hiding more.

But even then, trashing the house??? Psycho alert.

 

[Klee]

I have to say, you have been awesome at sticking around and answering questions. I hope you are getting something out of all this. Can you expand a little more on what you mean by your ex "just showed up?"

I'm sorry you are caught up in this. I think it is really just a set of very unfortunate circumstances. I think you really weren't over him and probably not ready to start dating again, but you happened to go out with your future husband. I've said it multiple times but this feels so familiar. The big difference is you didn't say anything proactively to your husband. That makes all the difference in the world to your husband. I really hope you can get him into counseling with you. You have a kid in the mix and I hope it works out, for everyone's sake.

Appreciate that. Marriage is very new and I would like for us to both get over this. He showed up at my apartment that night and I never planned on that happening. I was hoping he would never find out and didn’t think that he would tbh. I didn’t think it really mattered.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Appreciate that. Marriage is very new and I would like for us to both get over this. He showed up at my apartment that night and I never planned on that happening. I was hoping he would never find out and didn’t think that he would tbh. I didn’t think it really mattered.

lol, again, I've been there. You can't undo the past, but you can learn from it.

 

[ArthurGPym]

Appreciate that. Marriage is very new and I would like for us to both get over this. He showed up at my apartment that night and I never planned on that happening. I was hoping he would never find out and didn’t think that he would tbh. I didn’t think it really mattered.

You and your husband were not exclusive. You were not promised to him. He had not given you his football jersey and class ring to wear. The two of you were not going steady. If he is this immature and violent, is he really the man you want raising your child? He needs counseling badly, and the next time he pitches a fit and pulls a stunt like that again you need to call the cops.

 

[Klee]

While I think he has some problematic behavior and have concerns of him escalating from property damage to actual physical abuse and I think he has some serious jealousy issues that can lead to serious problems if not addressed - I am going to give a little leeway here.

I think in general people have the right to look into concerns they may have in the sanctity of their marriage. Our spouse and marriage are the single biggest investment and the biggest determining factor in our happiness and well being vs misery and suffering. We have the right to look into things that may threaten that.

I don’t think our OP is as chrystal pure as she is presenting to us. Whenever there is a he said Vs she said, the reality is often somewhere in the middle.

Did he pick up on some vibes between them when they encountered him? Was she acting like a cat on a hot tin roof? Did the ex have that little devilish look in his eye that told the H that he knew something the H didn’t (which was correct)

The H may have known that the ex and her were in contact for awhile but may have given the benefit of the doubt and had no idea of the nature of their convos.

And let’s be realistic, if they were chatting for 6 months, it wasn’t about the weather and he wasn’t asking her about how her Aunt Beulah’ bunion surgery went.

I’m willing to be the farm that the OP’s convos with the ex were much more “personal” than what she is letting on.

You have to look at it from the ex’s perspective as well. He knew she was dating her H but yet he’s still in contact with her for 6 months??

Yeah, that was to score some ass.

I’ll take her word for now that she didn’t actually have full contact sex after that one time.

But you know darn well the ex was jockeying for the side piece position and she knew he was still in the game and she was at bare minimum keeping the carrot in front of his nose to keep him in reserve as long as she could.

She may not exactly have blood on her hands, but she does at least have dirt under her fingernails.

The H was out of line tearing up the house and vandalizing her car….. but his vibe that there was more to the story was correct.

And what is the first thing we tell people to do if they get a funny feeling about their spouse?

- CHECK THEIR PHONE.

I really do not care that he looked/looks at my phone. He said he always hated me talking to him but did not want to say anything because it was new. My ex and I did not have that bad of a breakup. He didn’t stay angry at me so we were still kind of friends in a way. I truly did not know it bothered him that badly at first. I know him better now.

edit- I do not think my ex was just waiting around trying to be a side piece.

 

[Klee]

You and your husband were not exclusive. You were not promised to him. He had not given you his football jersey and class ring to wear. The two of you were not going steady. If he is this immature and violent, is he really the man you want raising your child? He needs counseling badly, and the next time he pitches a fit and pulls a stunt like that again you need to call the cops.

If this is going to be a regular thing I will and I’m really going to push the counseling.

 

[pauljohn29]

You did not cheat.
He really does need some help.
He has some serious issues, the violence being the most threatening, then the spying.
As you have apologised, though i am not really sure what for.
He now needs to apologise and he needs to get help.
Please be careful for your sake at that of your child.