[ConanHub]

I’m not sure if this is the right category to post.

I do not see this as cheating and I think my husband is blowing this out of proportion.
After my first date with my now husband I had unplanned sex with my ex boyfriend. We were recently broken up and I was trying to adjust to that. My husband and I barely knew each other then and did not know at that time I would marry this man. If I knew that my choices would have been very different.
He is naturally a jealous and possessive person In some ways. My ex bf used to be an issue for him. He didn’t like that I used to talk to him but didn’t want to say anything because it was still new. Later he told me he didn’t want me to talk to him and I stopped and I didn’t know it bothered him so much. Last week we were walking around some shop with our baby and having a really good time. My ex spotted us and we all talked for a little bit. I kept watching my husband during this to gauge his reaction and he seemed totally fine with it. He complimented us and the baby, and said he was happy for us. It was a normal interaction. He didn’t let in that anything was wrong or bothered him for days. My husband charged my old phone that was just sitting in a drawer. He went through years and years of texts, social media messages, photos, and videos. He eventually put it together that I had sex with him after our 1st date. Finding that out and seeing all of those old messages and pictures made him have a total mental breakdown. He trashed our house and my car then went to his fathers. It took me forever to clean up. I have apologized and apologized even though I don’t think that I cheated on him. I do understand how hurt he is finding this out. I think it is unfair to hold me to relationship standards when we barely knew each other. I can not count the number of women he has had sex with. We are seeing this differently fundamentally. I would never go through his old phones because I know it is just going to hurt me. Everyone I have talked to about this is telling me to leave. I want us to focus on our marriage, future, and our kid. I think this Is a little bit ridiculous. Also, I am sure he was having sex with someone before our first date maybe not after i don’t know.

@Klee , the issue isn't if what you did is cheating or not.

Your husband needs some form of help with developing better responses to certain negative emotions.

I don't have a problem with his investigation because his radar obviously pinged about something with your ex and you did omit some pertinent information that he should have been made aware of.

His reaction is the real problem here and it must be addressed before you two can work on other issues.

He needs help.


With that primary point being made.... You have some things to work on that are necessary as well.

Wether some consider it cheating or not, your behavior was poor. Sex is pretty serious to most and a flat out deal breaker for many. I wouldn't have even looked your way if you had dated me (regardless of how serious) while banging some other man.

It was bad behavior and you need to own it as such.

Keeping in touch with him wasn't a great move either. Your husband had to ask you to stop. It's good you listened to him about it and did cut contact but you need to learn from this that you have far looser boundaries than your husband and that will never work. You two need to see if you can agree on boundaries and then take them very seriously.


Another problem that could have been avoided was keeping any history with your ex around.

He's an ex for a reason. You should have gotten rid of anything from your time with your ex that was between you two.

There shouldn't have been a history you were still carrying around for your husband to research.

I'm not saying you should have gotten rid of it to keep things hidden from your husband. Your history should have been gone because you are working on a future and making a new history.

You both need to work on better communication because this situation should have been avoided and could have been with some simple talking about what you both require and want in a relationship with each other. I'm referring to the meltdown your husband had.

If you both would have communicated better, sometime after that first date, you would have been aware of the boundary difference you both have and he would have known you had sex with your ex while dating him.

You both could have made informed choices without too much invested at that point. You could have decided if his boundaries were something you were willing to live with and help enforce and he could have decided if he wanted to continue to develop his relationship with you despite your poor choice.

You seem to have been open to adopting your husband's boundaries so that doesn't appear to be a problem between you both.

You have both invested a lot in each other, gotten married and brought a child into the world. I think since you are both at this point, it's worth working this nonsense out for the investment you have both made and especially for your child.

If you two weren't married yet, I would advise you both to split because he has an unresolved issue controlling his temper and you are pretty clueless about solid relationship dynamics.

BTW, asking others about your behavior is not going to help your situation and is also another thing about yourself you need to work on.

It doesn't matter at all what other people think about your behavior. It matters how your husband looks at it and sees you.

We're not married to you. He is. You don't need to find justification from us or anyone else about your behavior.
The one person you need to be working this out with feels a certain way about it and trying to tell him he's wrong and/or justifying your behavior from others will only do continuing damage to your marriage.

He's not wrong for feeling how he does. It is a boundary of his and you need to respect it because you married him.

I would feel the same but I wouldn't have trashed the house because I have control of myself.

I hope you two can work through this for your child's benefit at least.

You don't have to wait for him to get counseling or therapy. You could start getting some yourself and it could help you possibly learn to reach your husband to where he will hear you and respond in a healthy way.

One way or another, his behavior can't be tolerated and can't be repeated.

Do you have a line of communication open with your husband? Are you talking with anyone close to him like family or friends?

 

[ConanHub]

He is back at home but is still pissed. Most of the time our marriage is very good but he has had issues like this before but it is not common.

Oh good. I missed this one.

I'm glad he is back.

@Klee , can we assume there will be absolutely no contact with your ex ever again?

Your ex took part in an action that helped threaten your marriage.

Can you decide that even seeing him on the street shouldn't lead to so much as a "hello"?

I think he's helped cause enough trouble for you and needs to be permanently in your review.

 

[ConanHub]

Fair enough. Your honesty is appreciated.

I have rechecked your first post and account to be sure that I am getting your situation right.

You slept with your EX [after] your first date with the new man (your husband), but you and your husband barely knew each other back then? You and your husband had not decided to be exclusive to each other in your first date? If this is correct then you DID NOT CHEAT on your husband because you were not in a relationship with him back then.

Second question: Did you remain in touch with your EX [after] you and your husband decided to commit to each other?

👇

We talked 1-2 times a week until he asked me to stop. We were together maybe 6 months. We didn’t meet again. He has always had problems with me having an ex in general. He has always had jealousy and similar issues, so this is a big extension of that.

 

[ConanHub]

If I knew then what I knew now my actions would have been very different. After our first date we did not know each other well at all.

I have never been ”promiscuous“

Promiscuity isn't your problem and never has been.

Behaving poorly at one time, not understanding about communication and healthy boundaries were your problems.

I do suggest you at least own that you did not behave well when you started dating your husband if you expect him to own his very unacceptable behavior.

A vital part of a successful, long term relationship like marriage is owning up to your own problems.

You have unfortunately, been learning hard lessons along the way.

Your boundaries and his temper would have been good to work out before serious commitment but life is messy.

 

[ConanHub]

I think it is an overreaction. He went through years of my texts and social media and that was what he found so he should know I that I stopped communicating with him when he told me to and i was faithful. He read all of my texts from when ex and I were together and that has made him crazy on top of the sex.

Do you still have any history of your ex you are carrying around?

It would probably be good to get rid of it.

It has no place with you and your future.

 

[ConanHub]

He went through the phone for days without me knowing. He read every detail of my life for years before him and drove himself crazy.

WOW! Again that history needs to be gone but he really has trust issues along with the bad temper control.

 

[ConanHub]

This is interesting. You don't consider that last time you had sex with your ex to be casual sex? So then it was relationship based sex, correct? Yet you were dating someone else.

Did you intend to date your husband again after that first date? Did you sleep with your ex that one last time in an attempt to get back together?

Yeah. That seemed kind of random and casual to me too.

 

[ConanHub]

This is not an issue of cheating, it's an issue of abuse. Get away, take your kid, and get a restraining order.

That might be over the top and not what OP is looking for.

He threw a tantrum but didn't hurt her.

He does have a problem but it hasn't been shown to be chronic and it has a very controllable trigger.

I never trashed the house and car but I do have a temper.

I once punch a large rocking chair in half during a tense time.

I immediately felt bad about it and corrected my behavior but my wife has never been in any danger from me and she had no intention of leaving me over it.

 

[ConanHub]

He's had 6-7 incidence in 3 years. Do you have this same level of issue?

I didn't read that he trashed the house but the one time.

There was a period of time where I yelled more than I should have.

I have advised that he needs to get help but OP has not indicated that she is being abused.

 

[ConanHub]

What do you mean by controllable trigger?

I don’t understand what you mean by that.
Can you clarify.

Not blowing you off. Will be very busy until late.

I'll elaborate later.

 

[ConanHub]

You and your husband were not exclusive. You were not promised to him. He had not given you his football jersey and class ring to wear. The two of you were not going steady. If he is this immature and violent, is he really the man you want raising your child? He needs counseling badly, and the next time he pitches a fit and pulls a stunt like that again you need to call the cops.

Just to keep things on an even keel now.... I would be pissed too if I was her husband and wasn't in the know about her banging her ex while dating me.

I wouldn't have torn up the house but I would have been seriously hot and let her know she had well and fully shyt herself by doing something stupid and not keeping me up to speed on it.

I don't like bumping into guys that were fing my girl when I was dating her and I like to know things like that.

It can't be equated with immaturity. It's called territorial.

OP was immature to be dating other guys while fing her ex. That was a butt stupid move my man, especially hiding it.

 

[ConanHub]

If this is going to be a regular thing I will and I’m really going to push the counseling.

I agree but be prepared to own your issues as well.

I've been clear from the start that his eruption is the primary concern but you are not without needing correcting in your thought process and behavior.

 

[ConanHub]

What do you mean by controllable trigger?

I don’t understand what you mean by that.
Can you clarify.

Ok. The trigger is OP's bvllshvt actions and continued relationship with her ex while keeping her husband in the dark about it. He shouldn't have been subjected to the guy that was banging his wife after he was already dating her. He at least deserved informed consent to interact with the asshole or not. You are perfectly aware her ex is an asshole BTW.😉

That's pretty specific.

Discontinuing any contact with the ex and getting their marriage up to speed with transparency will eliminate that very specific trigger.

Now that doesn't eliminate the need for some therapy and/or counseling.

@Klee 's husband is the primary concern but she could use getting whipped into better marriage shape herself.

 

[ConanHub]

But if I read right, they weren't "dating" dating. She had gone out with him one time, then slept with the ex one last time, then resumed dating husband. One date does not infer exclusivity. I'm sorry it does not. Who she was intimate with prior to them having the exclusivity talk is really none of husband's business.

Way back in the 1980s when I was dating lots of chicks, I had met my ex-wife and we went out a couple times. But I was still seeing other women, and I knew she was still seeing and sleeping with other guys. No big deal. It wasn't until maybe our fifth time out together that we both had enough interest in each other to settle down and date exclusively. I never asked her about those other guys she was sleeping with and she never asked me about my dates. So, I still do not see what the OP did wrong other than try to maintain some semblance of a friendship with the exBF.

You were aware of the situation with with your ex wife. OP's husband was not. Klee also kept a relationship going with her ex while keeping her then boyfriend in the dark about fing him after she had started dating him.

Her ex is still around and she should have leveled with her husband so he could avoid rubbing elbows with him.

You also need to acknowledge that her husband is not you. You might have been just fine with how things played out. Klee's husband is not and I'm positive she knew dang well she did something stupid that could threaten her new relationship with her now husband which is why she kept it hidden.

You have different boundaries but Klee's husband, and myself for that matter, have our own.

Why she kept the history with her ex on her phone is puzzling. She may need to work out what she was thinking there but that wasn't a good move either.

You and your ex were aware that you were each dating and having sex with others at the start of your relationship and you were both fine with that.

Klee's husband was not dating others and not aware she had sex with her ex after starting to date him and he was not ok with it.

I'm not wired like you either for that matter so I can feel some of what Klee's husband is.

He probably would have dumped her and never looked back if he knew about her behavior.

I sure as hell would have and my anger, at finding out after marrying her and having a baby, would be phenomenal.

I wouldn't have trashed the house but we would have had a come to Jesus talk that would determine our future and if she didn't come to an understanding, I would have walked.

Life is too short to live with someone who has different foundational values and keeps that fact hidden.

Klee might not have intentionally tried to play her husband that way but that is how he sees it and that is how it worked out.

Jealousy or not, her husband sensed something was going on he wasn't aware of and he was right.

Why did he investigate after they had contact with her ex? It's pretty obvious to this barbarian wether OP wants to admit it or not. She was hiding something important from her husband and keeping it hidden and there were obvious tells that her husband was picking up on.

 

[ConanHub]

Let me get this straight: She had one date with a guy she had no idea she would marry. She slept one more time with her old boyfriend after that date. And that makes her a bad person?

Thsnk you for being a Voice of Reason. My god, the woman and her former boyfriend made love one more time. I'm sure it was bittersweet. She had NO IDEA she would marry the other guy AFTER ONE DATE. What's the harm? None whatsoever. I can't believe some ot the comments.

LoL!

Go find my post where I called OP a bad person and I'll continue a conversation with you.

Until then.....

 

[ConanHub]

sheesh, Conan, thought barbarians were thick skinned. Never said you claimed she was a bad person. It’s more of a summary of all those ripping her. Chill, bro, it’s all good.

I'm chill. I was grinning at your insertion of a term I never used.

I'm good with a conversation about what I have said though.

I'm not going to defend something I didn't say.😉

 

[ConanHub]

According to her, he was very promiscuous and he WAS getting with other chicks when they were first starting to see each other.

She has also stated that he has always had an issue that she had been with 2 prior guys before him.

So he is one of these guys that bangs lots of chicks himself but can’t handle the fact that she has been with another before him.

That is also a common trait among abusers.

Also, I am sure he was having sex with someone before our first date maybe not after i don’t know.
[/QUOTE]
I probably screwed the quotes up but it's pure speculation that he was behaving like her and having sex while dating her.

OP doesn't feel abused and I don't see that he has anything other than a temper control problem.

My son and I both have bad tempers and we have both destroyed perfectly innocent furniture by smacking it too hard.

Our ladies would not classify us as abusive at all.

We curbed our behavior and as long as Klee's husband can, they should be able to succeed.

They've had 6-7 heated arguments and I will bet my hat she wasn't whispering either during them.

He has occasionally thrown things but never harmed her or their baby.

This last fit was a doozy and he is absolutely the priority when it comes to getting this marriage healthy.

Mrs. C isn't strong enough to break furniture if she isn't careful, nor is my daughter in law but both of them can have blades for tongues and both have very high spirit when they are worked up.

The husband in this situation absolutely needs help in dealing with negative emotions.

If he won't get help and continues throwing things when he feels jealousy then Klee might need to weigh different options.

They are only married a year though so there's time to fix it and could be a bump they overcome.

If they were ten years in and this was chronic, terrorizing their kid/s in the process, I would advise her to get the papers ready to serve and give him an ultimatum.

 

[ConanHub]

Can Divinely Favored and ConanHub all tell us what it was like growing up in the 1800s? Must have been fascinating.

The first date is the "getting acquainted" date. There is no "dating" at that point.

And yes, when I was in my early twenties I had about three chicks I was dating concurrently with each other. I was sleeping with each of them on and off, and I knew they were sleeping with other dudes. I was not exclusive with any of them. They knew it and I knew it and it was fine. Why? Because we were adults, acting like adults, having consentual sex with each other and others, using protection and acting responsibly. Now if one of those women had really hooked herself onto my heart and she felt the same towards me and we sat down and had the "let's go steady" talk, then that was that: we were an item and exclusive to one another after that point. Any side dating after that would have been cheating.

I know you can't comprehend anyone with different boundaries but you should try.

I did apparently multi date without realizing it at the time but I did not go out with other women if I was sexually involved with one and I definitely didn't have sex with more than one woman concurrently.

There are a lot of people, right here on TAM and IRL, that have the same boundaries about sexual exclusivity.

I'm kind of surprised you aren't aware of that?

Regardless, OP's husband obviously has different boundaries than you and he's perfectly within his rights to have them just like you.

 

[ConanHub]

I'm not going to go find it for you but I remember there was something in the first post and then I didn't read everything later but I mean it was months before they became exclusive.

You're not going to find because it doesn't exist outside of your head.

 

[ConanHub]

Perfectly stated!

Only for people with different boundaries. It's a useless statement for this OP as her husband doesn't have those boundaries.

This is of course a big old thread jack now and is not helping OP by turning it into a debate about who's boundaries are more valid which is stupid because everyone is entitled to set their own.

I will add that @Divinely Favored and myself both have a high level of satisfaction and success in our marriages so our boundaries obviously work for us.

Sheesh.