@Klee , the issue isn't if what you did is cheating or not.I’m not sure if this is the right category to post.
I do not see this as cheating and I think my husband is blowing this out of proportion.
After my first date with my now husband I had unplanned sex with my ex boyfriend. We were recently broken up and I was trying to adjust to that. My husband and I barely knew each other then and did not know at that time I would marry this man. If I knew that my choices would have been very different.
He is naturally a jealous and possessive person In some ways. My ex bf used to be an issue for him. He didn’t like that I used to talk to him but didn’t want to say anything because it was still new. Later he told me he didn’t want me to talk to him and I stopped and I didn’t know it bothered him so much. Last week we were walking around some shop with our baby and having a really good time. My ex spotted us and we all talked for a little bit. I kept watching my husband during this to gauge his reaction and he seemed totally fine with it. He complimented us and the baby, and said he was happy for us. It was a normal interaction. He didn’t let in that anything was wrong or bothered him for days. My husband charged my old phone that was just sitting in a drawer. He went through years and years of texts, social media messages, photos, and videos. He eventually put it together that I had sex with him after our 1st date. Finding that out and seeing all of those old messages and pictures made him have a total mental breakdown. He trashed our house and my car then went to his fathers. It took me forever to clean up. I have apologized and apologized even though I don’t think that I cheated on him. I do understand how hurt he is finding this out. I think it is unfair to hold me to relationship standards when we barely knew each other. I can not count the number of women he has had sex with. We are seeing this differently fundamentally. I would never go through his old phones because I know it is just going to hurt me. Everyone I have talked to about this is telling me to leave. I want us to focus on our marriage, future, and our kid. I think this Is a little bit ridiculous. Also, I am sure he was having sex with someone before our first date maybe not after i don’t know.
Your husband needs some form of help with developing better responses to certain negative emotions.
I don't have a problem with his investigation because his radar obviously pinged about something with your ex and you did omit some pertinent information that he should have been made aware of.
His reaction is the real problem here and it must be addressed before you two can work on other issues.
He needs help.
With that primary point being made.... You have some things to work on that are necessary as well.
Wether some consider it cheating or not, your behavior was poor. Sex is pretty serious to most and a flat out deal breaker for many. I wouldn't have even looked your way if you had dated me (regardless of how serious) while banging some other man.
It was bad behavior and you need to own it as such.
Keeping in touch with him wasn't a great move either. Your husband had to ask you to stop. It's good you listened to him about it and did cut contact but you need to learn from this that you have far looser boundaries than your husband and that will never work. You two need to see if you can agree on boundaries and then take them very seriously.
Another problem that could have been avoided was keeping any history with your ex around.
He's an ex for a reason. You should have gotten rid of anything from your time with your ex that was between you two.
There shouldn't have been a history you were still carrying around for your husband to research.
I'm not saying you should have gotten rid of it to keep things hidden from your husband. Your history should have been gone because you are working on a future and making a new history.
You both need to work on better communication because this situation should have been avoided and could have been with some simple talking about what you both require and want in a relationship with each other. I'm referring to the meltdown your husband had.
If you both would have communicated better, sometime after that first date, you would have been aware of the boundary difference you both have and he would have known you had sex with your ex while dating him.
You both could have made informed choices without too much invested at that point. You could have decided if his boundaries were something you were willing to live with and help enforce and he could have decided if he wanted to continue to develop his relationship with you despite your poor choice.
You seem to have been open to adopting your husband's boundaries so that doesn't appear to be a problem between you both.
You have both invested a lot in each other, gotten married and brought a child into the world. I think since you are both at this point, it's worth working this nonsense out for the investment you have both made and especially for your child.
If you two weren't married yet, I would advise you both to split because he has an unresolved issue controlling his temper and you are pretty clueless about solid relationship dynamics.
BTW, asking others about your behavior is not going to help your situation and is also another thing about yourself you need to work on.
It doesn't matter at all what other people think about your behavior. It matters how your husband looks at it and sees you.
We're not married to you. He is. You don't need to find justification from us or anyone else about your behavior.
The one person you need to be working this out with feels a certain way about it and trying to tell him he's wrong and/or justifying your behavior from others will only do continuing damage to your marriage.
He's not wrong for feeling how he does. It is a boundary of his and you need to respect it because you married him.
I would feel the same but I wouldn't have trashed the house because I have control of myself.
I hope you two can work through this for your child's benefit at least.
You don't have to wait for him to get counseling or therapy. You could start getting some yourself and it could help you possibly learn to reach your husband to where he will hear you and respond in a healthy way.
One way or another, his behavior can't be tolerated and can't be repeated.
Do you have a line of communication open with your husband? Are you talking with anyone close to him like family or friends?